The Believer and Joy (Various Proverbs)

What is my favorite color? What is my favorite dessert? Do I dislike or like professional sports? What is my favorite sport? How many of you know I’m on a diet? How many of you pray for Linda and her struggle with cancer? How is it that you know those things?

Your awareness of the details of my life reveal a couple of things. (1) I reveal and share my life with you. (2) You pay attention to the details I share with you.

Due to my sharing and your listening, you have information that can be used to either bring me joy or sadness. You can say certain things that will make me smile and other things that may weigh heavy on my heart.

I’ve been praying for you and Linda lately. How has she been doing physically?

Hey, I’ve noticed you lost some weight. I’m sure that’s been challenging. Keep it up.

I was thinking about you and I made a chocolate cake with thick orange (colored not flavored) frosting . . . and since you’re on a diet, I decided to eat it instead of tempt you with it 😊

As you are aware of my preferences, joys, hurts, and weaknesses, you have information with which to encourage or even discourage me.

What does all of this assume? It assumes we have at least a nominal relationship and that our relationship is a positive relationship. It would indicate that you care about me and what I think. It would seem to indicate that you desire to bring me joy and not grief. And for this to deepen and last, this treatment and these feelings would have to be mutual. I would need to reciprocate that thoughtfulness, attentiveness, and kindness.

And it is to these relational realities we turn as we finish up our Proverbs study over the next two weeks. Our final two studies in Proverbs revolve around the emotions discussed in Proverbs and more specifically how those emotions interact within our relationships.

In considering the emotions throughout Proverbs, we could quickly divide them up into two large categories. (1) Desirable, pleasant emotions (joy, cheer, praise, delight, gladness, love, tranquility, pity, etc.) and (2) unpleasant or undesirable emotions (scorn, anger, wrath, rage, sorrow, heaviness, loathing, envy, hatred, fear, etc.)

As we study the many passages about emotions, we will come quickly to realize that our emotions are intertwined with our treatment of others. Our poor treatment of others not only results in their anger or sorrow or hurt, but ours as well, and vice versa. Our kind, appropriate and thoughtful treatment of others most often results in not only their joy and happiness but ours as well.

Not having time in this lesson to cover all sides, let’s set aside the negative, unpleasant emotions for now and focus our attention on the desirable emotions – specifically joy. As we do we realize that our proper treatment of others brings joy to them and to us.

Purpose of message. (1) Remind us of how our relationships with one another ought to look. (2) Offer ways to deepen the relationships we have with one another.

Be Aware of One Another

Our first purpose is to remind us of how our relationships with one another ought to look. To do this let’s look first at a couple of passages in the NT.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ( ESV).

Philippians 2:3–5 ESV

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

Paul offers us two commands in these three verses: count others as more significant than yourself and look to the interests of others. (1) Count others more significant. The ESV translates this as count as significant whereas the NAS translates it as regard. We are to regard others as more significant than ourselves. In the context of relationships, to count as more significant or regard someone else, means to consider their needs and desires as weightier than your own. (2) In nearly synonymous fashion, we are as well to look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. The verse assumes that we are looking to our own interests, and it doesn’t condemn this reality. What it charges us to push past is looking to only our own interests. In connection with the first command, we are to consider and weigh our own needs, but this attention to our own needs must not keep us from looking to the needs of others. As well, the first command emphasizes this in such a way as to indicate that we must weigh the needs of others as more important than our own needs.

Paul offers a little more insight as to how our relationships with others ought to look as he writes in Romans.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. ( ESV).

These verses are packed with relational commands. Let me just point out a few of them for our benefit. (1) We are to love one another with brotherly affection. While this word, translated love, in this verse shares a root with phileo love, it as well includes storge. This beautiful word, used only here in the New Testament, carries the idea of “tenderly affectionate, very loving, (naturally) devoted, particularly to members of one’s family or in-group.”[1] (2) The next phrase, in the NAS, sounds very similar to the passage in , “give preference to one another.” The ESV translates it as “outdo one another in showing [one another] honor.” It has a hint of competition in it. We are to continually strive to pursue deference to one another. Instead of each of us fighting for our own way, we are to be pushing for the preferences, needs, and desires of the other. (3) And finally, “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

As we briefly consider these two passages and this list of relational commands, what assumptions might we draw about our relationships for these commands to have any potential of being a reality? (1) That I have a relationship with you. If I have no substantive relationship with you, I can’t prefer you over myself. I won’t have tender affection for you. If I have no relationship it will be very challenging for me to do anything for you that will bring you joy. (2) That I am aware of your interests. (3) That our relationship involves emotion. Having preference for one another, having tender affection for one another, outdoing one another in honor, rejoicing together, and weeping together, all demand that our relationship involve emotion. We can’t be indifferent emotionally towards one another. We can’t be mere acquaintances. (4) That my decisions are based on you more than me. (5) That we know each other well enough to weigh one another’s preferences and interests. That we know each other well enough to rejoice and weep together. Genuinely rejoicing and weeping with one another requires intimacy and awareness.

Knowing Each Other is Challenging

Therefore, as we have seen, to live out the relational commands found in the New Testament, we come to realize that a certain level of relationship or commitment to one another is necessary. It is here that we turn to Proverbs.

We must know one another to love one another, prefer one another, outdo one another in honoring each other; and yet knowing one another is really hard. In Proverbs we read, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy” ( ESV). The NIV translates that last phrase as “no one else can share its joy.” This isn’t the most helpful translation because the word used there does refer to a stranger, foreigner, or outsider.

Very few people can really understand and know how you feel. Have you ever shared with someone your excitement and been disappointed by their lack of enthusiasm? There are probably only a few intimate relationships that fully sense your deep hurt and immense joys. The reality, it is really hard to know the heart of someone else, but while it is challenging it is not impossible.

It requires hard work and discernment. “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” ( ESV). An individual’s plans, their inner thinking, their dreams, their aspirations, are deep within them. Digging into someone’s life and understanding their deepest desires and thinking require patience and diligent selfless effort. It requires purposeful and patient observation, discernment, and perception.

This type of effort is going to require that conversation within a relationship be reciprocal and not one sided. It is going to require asking questions and diligent genuine listening. If we want to have tender affection for one another, outdo one another in honoring one another, consider the interests of others above our own interests, rejoice with one another, and weep with one another; we must understand one another to a deeper level than that which is common among most relationships.

Consider the relationships you have with one another. Is there mutual sharing and a mutual carrying of life’s burdens within your relationships? Do you only dump your life on others and rarely listen to the burdens of others? The reverse can as well be true. Do you only take the burdens of others upon yourself and never open your life to other people?

It requires that we pay attention to the signs. Motivated by a desire to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, we are called to carefully pay attention to the emotions of one another, and these emotions are usually expressed on our faces. “A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed” ( ESV). “The expression of the heart makes itself visible in the face.”[2] Two verses later we read, “the cheerful of heart has a continual feast” ( ESV). And again, a couple chapters later, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” ( ESV).

If we are discerning, we can see the external manifestations of internal joy and sorrow. But, that’s only the first step. We must then take the additional step of reaching out to that person to share in either their joy or sorrow. This is no easy feat. Most people don’t mind sharing their joy with others, but not everyone wants you to join the in their sorrow. So then, since you desire to consider their interests above your own, you attempt to be creatively cautious in communicating your love and compassion for them amid their weeping.

Potentially an important caveat. We need to be careful as we read the visible signs of someone’s emotions. We don’t all express ourselves in the same way. (1) One of my son’s nervous responses is laughter which may at times communicate disrespect and flippancy. (2) My natural resting face seems to communicate intensity if not anger. That’s what bushy turned up eye brows and squinty eyes do for you apparently. The only way for you to interpret these expressions accurately would be for you to know me well enough to discern those realities.

Bring Joy to One Another

Speak kindly to one another. “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad” ( ESV). “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is” ( ESV). “My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right” ( ESV).

A kind, appropriate, thoughtful, timely, and honest word can bring delight to others. Each of those modifiers is important. We can offer an honest word unkindly and it hurt not help. We can be kind but not truthful and people begin to realize that we are just patronizing them and not really helping them. We can be kind and honest but make a statement at a wrong time and negate all the value in the statement. Our speech has immense power to encourage others, but we must take great caution in our speech. This is why James’ exhortation to be “quick to hear and slow to speak” () is so practical.

Look kindly on one another. “The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones” ( ESV). The NIV translates the first phrase as, “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.” Have you ever been frustrated or angry or maybe depressed, but as you walk into a room or building, someone you know, recognizes you and smiles? How does that make you feel? Does that lift your spirit? Is not the reverse as well true? Does not a sour or dark disposition negatively affect and impact those you are around?

Live in peace with one another. We find this command clearly stated by Paul in Romans. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” ( ESV). We a well see the results of this peace mentioned in Proverbs. “Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy” ( ESV).

Offer godly counsel to one another. “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” ( ESV). “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart” ( ESV). “Better is open rebuke than hidden love” ( ESV). While clearly these passages are true, they are likely counterintuitive for the culture in which we live. We live in a day that teaches only affirmation is helpful and welcomed. Honest and loving rebuke or admonition is considered intolerant and hateful. Yet, this is not true. Honest, godly, wise counsel, regardless of whether it stings a bit, ought to be refreshing as it comes from a dear friend.

Live a godly life in front of one another. “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother” ( ESV). “The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him” ( ESV). “He who loves wisdom makes his father glad, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth” ( ESV).

Conclusion

As we consider the biblical commands in regard to our relationships with others, we come to realize that we are to count others as more significant than ourselves. We are to look out for the interests of others above our own interests. We are to have tender affection for one another. We are to attempt to outdo one another in honor. We are to grieve with one another and rejoice with one another.

The only way that any of those relational markers can be present among us is if we have a relationship that is characterized by mutual sharing and awareness. These types of relationships are going to be hard and will require a great deal of effort and attention, but they are possible and rewarding.

As they are developed, we can bring joy in the midst of those relationships as we use our words, our facial expressions, our pursuit of peace, our loving and godly counsel and our godly living.

[1] Timothy Friberg, et al. Analytical Lexicon of the Greek New Testament, 400.

[2] Louis Goldberg, The Practical Wisdom of Proverbs (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2000), 143–44.

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