Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?

Question: Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?

Answer: Because forgiveness comes at such a great cost.

We experience such incredible hurts in life, don’t we?

And our bodies and minds and hearts are not made to experience pain, and so we want to avoid it, or get rid of it by any means.

And when we are hurt, the reason its hard to forgive those that have hurt us, is because it requires us to surrender our justice for God’s. And, if we are honest, we don’t want God’s justice in every situation, sometimes, we only want our justice.

We want our offenders to feel the pain we feel, to be brought down to submission, and to beg for our mercy and forgiveness. We want our anger to be justified, and we want our desire for their destruction to be likewise, justified.

The thing that sin does more than anything else is that it damages relationships by using one person to wound another, or by using one person to wound his/herself.

Sin is a betrayal of trust and a disobedience to God.

Sin demands repayment, yet no one is truly able to repay the wrongs we’ve committed against each other, against ourselves, and against God.

Now, if sin cannot be repaid, how can relationships be restored?

Through forgiveness.

And here is where the progression stops for most of us.

Let’s face it. We’ve all been hurt by others. We’ve been betrayed, mistreated, wounded, and sadly, probably so much more.

And it is these wounds, the ones that never close, the ones for which we have not been able to come to a closure, it is these kinds of hurts that it is likely that many of us are still carrying today, and that includes some of us in this room.

Hurts from our childhood, our marriages, our kids, our parents, work, church, and so on.

Nevertheless, we read the Bible and God’s command that we forgive one another permeates the entirety of Scripture as a command from God to believers.

Colossians 3:12-13

Colossians 3:12–13 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Colossians 3:13 ESV

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Yet is it not an endlessly perplexing paradox that this is an explicit command that so many believers feel justified in disobeying because they feel that their own hurt gives them a pass?

We have all experienced the feeling when our anger over a particular hurt actually helps us feel better. Doesn’t that seem strange? Yet isn’t that so common?

Or

Of course, those are the lies that our sinful hearts tell us, and then our damaged emotions lead us into attitudes and behaviors that are anything but Christlike.

And the good feeling we think we are experiencing, and the justification we try convince ourselves that we are obtaining, is nothing more than our own euphemisms for the bondage to sin that we are caught in ourselves.

Following Jesus is not about our own justice prevailing, its about receiving the justification of Jesus Christ, according to His perfect justice.

Following Jesus is not about being right in our conclusions about one matter or another, its about being made right in and through Christ, and helping others to receive righteousness through Christ as well.

Today we are going to take a bold look at the cost of forgiveness because we need to see it on full display so that we can understand not only why it is so hard to forgive others, but also the gravity of the command to forgive that Christ gave us.

In taking this bold look, we are going to examine the crucifixion of Christ in all 4 Gospels, and hopefully we will see just how incredibly important forgiveness is, not just for the offender, but also for the one against whom the offense has been committed.

If you are here today, and you trust in Jesus, and you know that the freedom from your past hurst is available in Christ, yet you are still wearing the bonds of unforgiveness, you are here today to hear this truth on purpose.

And if you are here today and you’ve been able to overcome the hurts of your past and present through forgiveness, you are here today to be encouraged and strengthened as you live in the freedom that Christ purchased for you 2000 years ago on the cross.

Let’s pray as we come to God’s Word.

Matthew 27:32-44

Matthew

Matthew 27:32–44 ESV

As they went out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. They compelled this man to carry his cross. And when they came to a place called Golgotha (which means Place of a Skull), they offered him wine to drink, mixed with gall, but when he tasted it, he would not drink it. And when they had crucified him, they divided his garments among them by casting lots. Then they sat down and kept watch over him there. And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, “This is Jesus, the King of the Jews.” Then two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left. And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’ ” And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

Matthew 15:33–39 ESV

And the disciples said to him, “Where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?” And Jesus said to them, “How many loaves do you have?” They said, “Seven, and a few small fish.” And directing the crowd to sit down on the ground, he took the seven loaves and the fish, and having given thanks he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up seven baskets full of the broken pieces left over. Those who ate were four thousand men, besides women and children. And after sending away the crowds, he got into the boat and went to the region of Magadan.

Just imagine this scene for a second.

Here is Jesus. Even in His trial, it was clear that He had done nothing wrong, yet the crowds, who just a few days before had celebrated His arrival, were now bloodthirsty, literally, and they campaigned for the state-sanctioned murder of Jesus Christ.

Yet Jesus suffering and death was to pay God in full for such sin.

And as Jesus now is being led to the site of His death, carrying the instrument upon which He would die, He is mercilessly mocked. He is given a bitter drink, which is so bitter, He would not drink it. How bitter would a drink have to be for you to refuse it, after you’ve been beaten for hours and you are on the way to your death?

He is mocked and accused of being powerless to stop this.

The dare to “save Himself” rings out in the ears of our Savior, as He endures such atrocity to save us.

And before you think that, while Jesus was willing to do this, that He 100% wanted to.

Luke 22:39-44

Luke 22:39–44 ESV

39 And he came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. 40 And when he came to the place, he said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” 41 And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. 44 And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Luke 22:39–45 ESV

And he came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. And when he came to the place, he said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. And when he rose from prayer, he came to the disciples and found them sleeping for sorrow,

When Jesus said, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me...” it wasn’t in response to being scared of physical pain, but it was in view of the spiritual desolation that Jesus would face as He bore our sin and God’s judgment for our sin on the cross.

That was a weight that Jesus Himself was not completely looking forward to. Not out of disobedience, but because He knew the weight that would fall upon Him, and it was unimaginable.

Now, back to Jesus being led to Calvary.

Jesus knows the full weight of what He is doing, that will accomplish the satisfaction of God’s judgment for sin, which includes all the sin that is mocking Him, and torturing Him as He approaches Golgotha.

Now, back to Jesus being led to Calvary.

As you approach opportunities to forgive someone who has wronged you, what emotions do you feel, and what kinds of thoughts go through your head?

Are you tempted to “save yourself” and “let them eat cake” (so to speak).

Do you feel that they need to feel sorry about what they have done before you will offer your forgiveness?

Just as there was negative inertia, emotion, and action that accompanied Jesus on His journey to Calvary, we experience negative inertia when we are faced with the choice to forgive or not forgive. Usually, the negative inertia that we face comes in the form of lies about what it really means to forgive someone. Here are a few of those lies about forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is Not

Forgetting

We don’t forgive and forget. We forgive and we remember. But we no longer hold such offense against them. God cannot forget anything. He knows everything and He will for all eternity, yet He promises that He will separate us and our sin as far as the east is from the west ().

I know that some of us are haunted by the hurts in our past and we feel guilty because we think that, because we still remember the hurt, that we have not truly forgiven them. But this is another lie to keep us, and our transgressors from the freedom that Christ-like forgiveness brings.

Ceasing to Feel the Pain

As we will read in just a few minutes, Jesus’ act of forgiveness did not come without pain, nor did it come without the memory of the pain. Furthermore, His scars remained as well. Again, I know that we wrestle and wonder if we have really forgiven someone if we still feel some of the pain. Its not a matter of whether or not we feel the pain, but whether its our pain, or God’s Peace, that is dictating our attitudes, actions, motivations, and speech.

Automatically Trusting Again

Trust is built slowly and lost quickly, isn’t it? To forgive someone does not mean I fully trust them right away. The trust building process is often what takes the longest to fully realize when it comes to forgiveness between people.

Guaranteed Relational Reconciliation

Some of us have been really hurt, and some of us have been hurt by people who should not be a part of our lives. To forgive that person in your life, does not mean you need to have an ongoing relationship with them. If they are a danger to your life or your family’s life, then it is within the realm of biblical appropriateness to offer forgiveness, while not fully reconciling in terms of friendship or relationship.

Granted, the forgiveness of Christ in terms of salvation certainly carries with it relational reconciliation, but the truth of living in a fallen world, when it comes to non-salvation forgiveness, means that there are some people whom we will forgive, and yet not fully reconcile.

Pretending it Never Happened

Jesus is not pretending that sin never happened, that we never betrayed, that the very people He died to save willingly handed Him over to be murdered, and I submit to you that part of the God’s glory is that He overcame the worst evil with the greatest good. Who but Christ could do such a thing? Here again, when we forgive others, we don’t pretend that the hurt never happened.

There are a few days I can remember in my life when I have hurt others, but where forgiveness occurred. I didn’t automatically forget what I did, nor did those I hurt, but, now, because of forgiveness, those days that are the worst days of my life, are also the best days of my life because they are the moments in which Christ conquered my sin-filled past and helped me into a Christ-led future.

Letting Them Get Away With It

How many people curse Jesus because some of the people who will be with Him in heaven have committed unspeakable acts of horror here on earth?

How many of us refuse to lay down our bonds of unforgiveness because we are afraid that if we forgive them, they will be getting away with it.

As Jesus approached Calvary, and as we will read in just a minute, it looked like, at least to most people who were there, that Christ was letting them get away with His own murder. But it precisely the opposite that was true. He (Jesus) was paying for that very crime, and by the way, every other crime, right then and there.

Ok, so we’ve looked briefly at the negative inertia that keeps us from forgiving by looking at what forgiveness is not, now, through the Gospel accounts of the crucifixion, let’s look at what forgiveness is.

Mark 15:33-39

Mark 15:33–39 ESV

33 And when the sixth hour had come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour. 34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 35 And some of the bystanders hearing it said, “Behold, he is calling Elijah.” 36 And someone ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, put it on a reed and gave it to him to drink, saying, “Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to take him down.” 37 And Jesus uttered a loud cry and breathed his last. 38 And the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. 39 And when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, “Truly this man was the Son of God!”

Forgiveness is

The Power That Renders Sin Powerless (v.37)

The Expositor’s Bible Commentary notes:

The Expositor’s Bible Commentary, Volume 8: Matthew, Mark, Luke M. The Death of Jesus (15:33–41)

After six hours of torture, Jesus cried out and died. Usually those who were crucified took long to die (cf. 15:44, where Pilate expresses surprise on hearing that Jesus had already died). The loud cry of Jesus is unusual because victims of crucifixion usually had no strength left, especially when near death. But Jesus’ death was no ordinary one, nor was his shout the last gasp of a dying man. It was a shout of victory that anticipated the triumph of the Resurrection.

We will read it in a minute, but does anyone remember the shout that Jesus shouted?

It Is Finished. The price for sin was paid in full. The price for forgiveness was paid in full. While it looked like everyone was getting away with it, the full measure of justice for their sin was being met upon the person of Jesus Christ.

Oh, if they only knew, and if we could only understand this in a deeper way, perhaps we would approach forgiveness differently.

The Power That Breaks Down Barriers (v.38)

The curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place in the temple was torn in two. (Explain).

In terms of salvation, we were blocked off from direct access to God, and now because of Christ, we can approach Him directly, and we can speak to Him directly.

Christ Himself is our mediator and the Holy Spirit, who now instead of dwelling in a temple behind a curtain, dwells within each and every believer, is our intercessor.

In terms of human relationship, it eliminates the barriers of sin that keep people divided. And make no mistake, this is something that only forgiveness can do.

An Undeniable Demonstration of God’s Power at Work Right Now (v. 39)

There was a centurion who stood and faced Jesus as He (Jesus) died. The centurion saw the manner in which Jesus died, he had witnessed the torture and the murder, he had heard what Jesus said on the cross, and he recognized that he was watching God pour out His Holy Wrath and Judgment on Jesus, instead of pouring it out on him, or, us.

You know, not everyone will recognize it like the centurion, but that doesn’t mean that when we forgive others that God is not at work in an incredibly powerful way. To exchange our right for personal justice for God’s justice that has already been poured out onto Christ is not a small thing. But it is what is commanded of us, isn’t it?

Not Wanting Others to Feel the Pain That We Feel (v.34)

“Now you know how I feel!”

Isn’t that what we say when the person who wronged us finally experiences the same hurt that we did?

And isn’t that in part what we want our offenders to know?

We want them to know the depth of the pain that we feel, and so we isolate ourselves from them, or we passive-aggressively try to manipulate them, or let them go ahead and run right into the wall that we can clearly see. But because we want them to feel what we feel, we don’t warn them ahead of time, and we take some comfort in their pain.

Its true isn’t it?

Its not biblical.

Mark 15:34

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Mark 15:34 ESV

34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

The full weight of God’s wrath was when Jesus was forsaken on the cross by God. Theologians debate exactly what this means because there are questions about how that would affect the Trinity, and a whole bunch of other things. Nonetheless, this is what Jesus said as He was dying.

He who knew no sin became sin, and He experienced the full measure of God’s Wrath because of it.

And that sin wasn’t even His. It was ours.

Yet, we read in the OT and NT that God will never forsake His people.

If God has promised not to forsake us, yet He did forsake His only son for our sake, He must not ever want to know what its like to be forsaken by Him.

That is the gravity of sin.

No one will ever know what that feels like.

And God doesn’t want us to. He never wanted us to know that.

If God doesn’t want us to feel the pain that He felt on the cross, why do we want others to feel the pains that we feel in order for them to earn our forgiveness?

If our pain is so terrible, can we not be like Christ and perhaps not give way to the sinful desire that our offenders ever have to feel it?

Luke 23:32-43

Luke 23:32–43 ESV

32 Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him. 33 And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. 34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments. 35 And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” 36 The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine 37 and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” 38 There was also an inscription over him, “This is the King of the Jews.” 39 One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” 40 But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41 And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” 43 And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Forgiveness Is

Offered Before an Apology is Heard (v.34)

In verse 34, Jesus asks for the forgiveness of his executors, while they were executing Him. Its not like Jesus waited until He rose again, showed up at their house, and said, “Surprised to see me?…Don’t you have something to say to me right now?”

How many of us believe that, in order to forgive someone, they must apologize first. Well here’s a biblical truth that might blow your mind…that is not a biblical way to forgive.

Romans 5:6-8

Romans 5:6–8 ESV

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Paul says in Romans that while we were ungodly, still weak, and still sinners that that was the “right time” for Christ to show that He loves us by offering forgiveness to us through the sacrificing of His very life.

You see, we don’t believe that, do we? At least, not enough to practice it.

We don’t to extend forgiveness to the ungodly while they are still weak and still sinning.

We want to extend forgiveness to the semi-godly, that at least knows they did something wrong, and that they at least will acknowledge that to our face.

Of course, this is not to say that confession has no value, just the opposite, confession is also a command from God to us concerning our own sin. We are to confess and to apologize. But

Confession and apology are not prerequisites to the offering of forgiveness.

Now, when Christ died, how many of your sins were in the future, and how many had you confessed up to that point? (all and none)

Did the amount of your sins and your lack of confession to that point prevent Christ from offering forgiveness?

No.

Genesis 3:15

Genesis 3:15 ESV

15 I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.”

In theological circles, this is called the ProtoEvangelium, or, the first evangelism.

This is first declaration in Scripture of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And at this time, there are only 4 beings in this narrative, Adam and Eve, Satan, and God.

And before God even got to the consequences (curses) for Adam and Eve’s sin, He offered forgiveness of sin through the sacrifice of the offspring of the woman. That offspring of course, is Jesus Christ.

Now, again, how many of your sins were in the future and how many had you confessed to at this point in world history? (all and none)

And did that stop God from putting His plan of salvation and forgiveness into action?

No.

I recognize that this might the hardest point in today’s message. Because its not fair that I am offering forgiveness to a person, or people, who are not even faking an apology.

Yet this is the command of Christ. We offer forgiveness. And if God’s example is to be modeled, forgiveness is the first thing we do BEFORE we address our offenders.

Which brings up our next point about forgiveness in that

Forgiveness is

Surrendering my right for my justice in exchange for God’s justice.

I have to come before God and surrender to Him, and acknowledge His justice poured out onto Jesus Christ before I have any hope of approaching my offender with an offering of forgiveness.

If I am in a disobedient posture before God, I will not be in a loving posture toward others.

Furthermore, we need to realize that our human justice only brings destruction, not life.

At least, in Christ, even if the other person rejects my offer of forgiveness, I can still be alive without the chains of unforgiveness weighing me down. And should the offender receive my forgiveness, they are able to live in that freedom as well.

But my justice wants to see the demise of my offender in some way. And the more I console myself with thoughts of the destruction of others, the more I am decaying from the inside out.

And I know that some of you listening to me right now can identify directly with that, and it’s misery, isn’t it?

John 19:28-30

John 19:28–30 ESV

28 After this, Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), “I thirst.” 29 A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. 30 When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

Forgiveness is

A Choice (v.30)

Notice that the text says that Jesus “gave up” his spirit. That implies that Jesus had full control of His spirit, and no physical means of destruction could actually kill him.

Yet, as says, Jesus was obedient to death, even death on a cross. He surrendered Himself as a sacrifice for us, because we cannot forgive ourselves.

Yes, there is freedom in forgiving others, but we cannot forgive ourselves.

Jesus Himself said, that He would destroy this temple and raise it again in three days. And here, Jesus Himself chose to give up His spirit, to accomplish the work of forgiveness and salvation, which satisfied God’s Wrath over sin.

An Opportunity to Display God’s Grace For Them and In You (v.30)

Aren’t those the most beautiful three words you’ve ever read?

“It Is Finished”

God’s Grace displayed in Jesus Christ for us.

For those of us who have received God’s forgiveness, what a sweet, sweet passage this is.

Wouldn’t we want those who sin against us to know such joy?

We can display God’s Grace in us for them through forgiveness.

I want to being the band back up at this time

Its weird to think about…I sinned, yet Jesus wears the scars.

I was guilty of sin and my sin warranted my death, yet Jesus gave me life through His death.

I can never repay Jesus for my sin, and He doesn’t want me to.

I had yet to ask for forgiveness when Jesus offered it to me, but yet, there it was.

And now, Jesus asks me to forgive others, just as He has forgiven me.

I have the opportunity to help others see God’s love, and grace, and freedom through forgiveness.

And even if they don’t accept my offer of forgiveness, I am still more like Christ through my obedience and submission to Him.

There is only groaning in unforgiveness, yet there is grace and gain in forgiveness.

As we prepare to respond to God’s Word today, I want to give you two pieces of application to use for reflection as you ask God to search your heart for any bitterness or unforgiveness that may be there. And then we are going to pray together, and sing together as we end our time this morning.

Practical Apps

We must learn to recognize the price that Jesus paid for sin on the cross as being enough to cover not just my sins, but also the sins of others against me.

Jesus paid the price for your offender, just like He paid for you. Whether or not your offender receives Christ is not the issue when it comes to your own forgiveness or lack thereof. The Bible doesn’t say for believers to only forgive other Christians. Don’t diminish His forgiving work on the cross by only acknowledging it for your own sake. Its for others too.

We must understand that time will not heal our wounds, only through faith in Christ and forgiveness will our wounds truly heal.

Throughout Jesus’ ministry, when He would heal someone, He would say that their faith has saved them and that their sins were forgiven. I don’t think that’s a coincidence, do you?

I want to invite you to pray with me.

Lord Jesus, I admit to you that I’ve been carrying bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart. I want to forgive, but I honestly don’t know if I can. Lord, will you help me, and give me the humility and the strength to forgive those who I have yet to forgive? And will you help to heal me from the wounds that are plaguing me? I want to live in your freedom, and I need your healing. But I know that I must repent of my unforgiveness. And so I do. Lord, help me to see if there is anyone that I need to forgive, and give me the courage to apologize for my own bitterness against them. I am sorry for doubting your truth more than the lies of my own heart, and help me, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time, to live in your forgiven freedom, and to demonstrate your grace that has been so richly poured on me, to others. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Now if you would keep your head bowed and eyes closed for just another moment,

If you prayed that prayer with me, will you please raise your hand, so that I can join you in prayer for your forgiven freedom in Christ?

Invite to mid week spiritual transformation small group.

write this email address down, or take a picture, and send us an email indicating your interest in a group like this.

“I (and my family) would like to be a part of the Spiritual Transformation group at Bristol this fall.”

[e-mail]

Now lets stand together and offer praise to our most gracious and awesome Lord.

If you would like to continue to pray, I invite you to pray with one of our prayer counselors that will be available on the sides of the auditorium as we sing, and if God has messed you up today, I’m glad. And my prayer is that you will respond in humility, obedience, and with whatever action the Holy Spirit might direct you to take. Don’t wait to obey the Lord. Do it now. There is forgiveness, healing and freedom wherever the Spirit of the Lord is.

Lets sing together.