Healing A Hurting Relationship

The Seven Statements of Relational Healing
2 Corinthians 7:1-16

Therefore, ahaving these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

2 Open your hearts to us. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, bwe have cheated no one. 3 I do not say this to condemn; for cI have said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. 4 dGreat is my boldness of speech toward you, egreat is my boasting on your behalf. fI am filled with comfort. I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation.

5 For indeed, gwhen we came to Macedonia, our bodies had no rest, but hwe were troubled on every side. iOutside were conflicts, inside were fears. 6 Nevertheless jGod, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by kthe coming of Titus, 7 and not only by his coming, but also by the 1consolation with which he was comforted in you, when he told us of your earnest desire, your mourning, your zeal for me, so that I rejoiced even more.

8 For even if I made you lsorry with my letter, I do not regret it; mthough I did regret it. For I perceive that the same epistle made you sorry, though only for a while. 9 Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. 10 For ngodly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; obut the sorrow of the world produces death. 11 For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what pclearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be qclear in this matter. 12 Therefore, although I wrote to you, I did not do it for the sake of him who had done the wrong, nor for the sake of him who suffered wrong, rbut that our care for you in the sight of God might appear to you.

13 Therefore we have been comforted in your comfort. And we rejoiced exceedingly more for the joy of Titus, because his spirit shas been refreshed by you all. 14 For if in anything I have boasted to him about you, I am not ashamed. But as we spoke all things to you in truth, even so our boasting to Titus was found true. 15 And his affections are greater for you as he remembers tthe obedience of you all, how with fear and trembling you received him. 16 Therefore I rejoice that uI have confidence in you in everything.

[i]

Intr.: There are no relationships that are free of conflict; when we are in a relationship that is in crisis, something must be done to correct it; it will not correct itself:
A. In our text today Paul finds himself in a relational crisis with people he loved dearly; He was expected to make the sacrifices and bear the burdens while others volunteered only to enjoy the fruits of the relationship.
B. Paul knew this situation was bad for everyone involved—it placed more on him than he was able to bear and fostered immaturity and selfishness on the other side of the relationship.
C. When we come to 2 Corinthians 7, we find the relationship has become adversarial:
1. Paul’s love for them is not in question:
For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you (2 Corinthians 2:4).
2. Love, even in its purest form, can become adversarial.
D. Paul and the Corinthians came to a stand-off.
E. In the seventh chapter of 2 Corinthians Paul makes seven statements which were key in restoring the relationship; we need to bring these seven statements to our relationships when they need healing.
F. These seven statements of restoration are:
1. I am not perfect.
2. I will not exploit you.
3. I love you.
4. I am not ashamed of you.
5. I value you.
6. I will hold you accountable for your actions.
7. I expect you to express your love for me.

Prop.: God’s Word can teach us how to survive when love becomes adversarial.

WE MUST BE WILLING TO SAY:

I. I AM NOT PERFECT (v.1):
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God:
A. Paul frames this verse in a way that says something very important to us.
B. Notice he says, "let us purify ourselves" and not "you ought to purify yourselves."
C. By using the terms "us" and "ourselves" he is placing himself among the imperfect.
D. When any earthly relationship contains a member that cannot see his/her imperfection, it is in trouble.
ILL.: Pride kills openness! ... Pride is dogmatic, unteachable, closed-minded (Swindoll, Charles. Dropping Your Guard, p.197).
E. If we refuse to acknowledge our own frailty, we will undermine our every relationship by refusing to see our need to change.
F. Relationships must grow and change to remain healthy-- perfection sees no need to change.
G. We cannot find harmony in relationships by insisting that all the changes be made on the other side.
H. We must recognize our own need to grow, improve and even repent.

II. I WILL NOT EXPLOIT YOU (v.2):
Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one:
A. No matter how sincerely you approach someone, there is always a good chance they will "close their spirit" to you (in the words of Gary Smalley).
B. Most of us have a defense mechanism which essentially works like this: "I do not want to be exploited, therefore, I will limit your access to me."
C. In this verse we see Paul encouraging the Corinthians to open their hearts to him; he does this by assuring them that he will not take advantage of them.
D. Paul is not concerned that he win the argument--he wants to save the relationship.
E. When we "make room" for someone in our heart, we become vulnerable to them--thus we will make room only for those whom we believe will not take advantage of our vulnerabilities.
F. Subconsciously, people ask at least four questions before they give us access to their hearts:
1. If I share my fears with you, will you use them to manipulate me?
2. If I let you know my love for you is long-suffering will you test the limits of its endurance?
3. If I allow you to see my frailties, will you see me as weak?
4. If I admit I was wrong, will you ever believe I am right?
G. We must create win/win relationships--there will never be real quality in a win/lose relationship.

III. I LOVE YOU (v.3):
I do not say this to condemn you; I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you:

To die together and to live together: many scholars interpret this expression as a well–known formula used to indicate lasting friendship. And this sense seems to fit the context here. Combined with the preceding affirmation, the meaning seems to be that “we love you and will keep on loving you no matter what happens.” One translation says “we will not be separated whether we live or die.[ii]

A. This indicates a lasting friendship.  In other words, “I love you and will keep on loving you no matter what happens.” I love you so much that I am willing to face whatever life may bring and, indeed, even death, standing at your side.
B. When the love of God is present in a relationship, it rises to this level.
C. Why have we come to a crisis in the relationship?:
1. Because I am sick of your attitude and actions? No!
2. Because I deserve better? No!
3. Because I love you and your conduct is destroying your relationship with me and God? Yes!
D. Love should not be a bargaining chip--unconditional love should be a settled fact.
E. As you approach the crisis crossroads in your relationship, let it be known that the decision to love has already been made by you and God-- it is not in doubt.
F. Love is the most powerful motivator known to man; we will live and die for it; a plan to restore a relationship must employ its awesome potential.
ILL.: Love has its own power, the only power ultimately capable of conquering the human heart (Yancey, Philip. The Jesus I Never Knew, p. 78)

IV. I AM PROUD OF YOU (I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOU) (vv.4,14-16):
4 I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds. ... 14 I had boasted to him (Titus) about you, and you have not embarrassed me. But just as everything we said to you was true, so our boasting about you to Titus has proved to be true as well. 15 And his affection for you is all the greater when he remembers that you were all obedient, receiving him with fear and trembling. 16 I am glad I can have complete confidence in you:
A. Think of the encouragement that flowed into the Corinthians’ hearts as they heard Paul boast about them.
B. There is no doubt that the Corinthians had done things that embarrassed

Paul, but they were not an embarrassment to him.
C. Paul did not hold failures over their heads or "rub their nose in it."
D. Shame will undermine any hope for intimacy within a relationship--you cannot feel close to someone who you feel is ashamed of you.
E. We may be disappointed, or even embarrassed, by someone’s actions, but we must not translate that into being ashamed of the person.
F. A relationship can never be healed if shame over past mistakes is going to be carried into the future
G. Let it be known that past mistakes will not taint the pride we take in our loved one now and in the future.

V. I VALUE YOU (vv.5-7,13):
5 For when we came into Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn--conflicts on the outside, fears within. 6 But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, 7 and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever. ... 13 By all this we are encouraged. In addition to our own encouragement, we were especially delighted to see how happy Titus was, because his spirit has been refreshed by all of you:
A. You might ask what the difference between being proud of someone and valuing them is:
1. When I am proud of someone I celebrate what they are.
2. When I value them, I celebrate what they make me.
3. The process of "valuing" recognizes that what you are contributes to what I am.
ILL.: A man ... [is] surrounded with what I want to call special friends, and together they accomplish what no one of them could have done alone (MacDonald, Gordon. Restoring Your Spiritual Passion, p. 174)
B. When Paul was in great difficulty, the Corinthians’ love brought joy to his soul--he says, "thanks."
C. The Corinthians had not been perfect, but they had been a blessing; it was important that he acknowledge this.
D. Words of affirmation go so much further than "griping" and "nagging."
E. If we look close enough, we can find ways in which the other people in our relationships have been a blessing; we need to let them know it.
F. Actuate the positive contributions others bring to your life--the more you acknowledge the positive things, the more positive things there will be to acknowledge.

VI. I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS (vv.8-11):
8 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-- 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter:
A. Sometimes pain is the kindest thing we can give someone we love.
B. Paul refused to apologize for bringing sorrow to the Corinthians because sorrow was the only hope for change.
C. The stand Paul took caused him and the Corinthians temporal sorrow but it yielded the fruit of spiritual joy.
D. Our relationship with God and others cannot flourish without accountability-- we must maintain some parameters.
ILL.: Country Song "Aces"\ "You can’t deal me the aces and think I wouldn’t play"
E. Inappropriate and selfish behavior flourishes when it is ignored-- only when it is confronted and consequences brought to bear does positive change take place.
F. Perhaps the most destructive comment you can make in a relationship is "I will do anything ...."
G. There is no place in healthy relationships for unconditional surrender--unacceptable behavior will not be ignored.
ILL.: ... when a person’s behavior is inappropriate, avoiding confrontation always worsens the situation.
#1. Confront ASAP.
#2. Separate the person from the wrong action.
#3. Confront only what the person can change.
#4. Give the person the benefit of the doubt.
#5. Be specific.
#6. Avoid sarcasm.
#7. Avoid words like always and never.
#8. Tell the person how you feel about what was done wrong.
#9. Give the person a game plan to fix the problem.
#10. Affirm him or her as a person and a friend.
(Maxwell, John C. Developing The Leaders Around You, p. 125-8).
H. Deal with it righteously, but by all means, deal with it!

VII. I EXPECT YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE FOR ME (v.12):
So even though I wrote to you, it was not on account of the one who did the wrong or of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are:
A. Paul wanted the Corinthians to see how important he was to them.
B. Scholars have debated for centuries what Paul is referring to in this passage.
C. There was someone in the church who had committed a wrong against another church member.
D. Many suggest that the one who had done wrong was the fornicator of 1 Corinthians 5.
1. The one who had been wronged would be the father.
2. Whether this assumption is right or wrong is beside the point for us--someone had sinned against another and the manner in which the church dealt with it put them at odds with Paul.
3. The case of the "offended-offender" is not at the heart of the problem between Paul and the church.
4. The issue is this: people who love Paul are acting as if they don’t.
5. They resist his in intervention in their lives.
E. Paul forces this issue to a crisis to show them that they

love and need him.
F. One of great mysteries of human relationships is that sometimes people who genuinely love each other act as if they don’t.
G. Paul was not trying to create love--he simply wanted the love that was already there to come to the surface.
H. The church should have looked to Paul for leadership, but instead they questioned his authority and ability.
I. Paul would never stop loving the church, but the church was in danger of losing the practical benefits of his love for them.
J. When a relationship reaches the critical stage, love stops working in a practical way-- it ceases to display itself.
K. In our relationships we should make it clear that we expect love to come to the surface and express itself on a regular basis; without this steady stream of expressed love, any relationship will drift into crisis.

Conc.: Restoring a relationship is not easy, but if we are willing to bring it to a crisis, the pain of the moment will lay the foundation for enduring fulfillment in the future:
A. Be willing say, I am not perfect.
B. I will not exploit you.
C. I love you more than life.
D. I am proud of you (I am not ashamed of you).
E. I value you.
F. I will hold you accountable for your actions.
G. I expect you to express your love for me.

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a [1 John 3:3]

b Acts 20:33

c 2 Cor. 6:11, 12

d 2 Cor. 3:12

e 1 Cor. 1:4

f Phil. 2:17; Col. 1:24

g Rom. 15:26; 2 Cor. 2:13

h 2 Cor. 4:8

i Deut. 32:25

j Is. 49:13; 2 Cor. 1:3, 4

k 2 Cor. 2:13; 7:13

1 comfort

l 2 Cor. 2:2

m 2 Cor. 2:4

n 2 Sam. 12:13; Ps. 32:10; Matt. 26:75

o Prov. 17:22

p Eph. 5:11

q 2 Cor. 2:5–11

r 2 Cor. 2:4

s Rom. 15:32

t 2 Cor. 2:9; Phil. 2:12

u 2 Cor. 2:3; 8:22; 2 Thess. 3:4; Philem. 8, 21

[i] The New King James Version. Nashville : Thomas Nelson, 1982, S. 2 Co 7:1-16

[ii]Omanson, Roger L. ; Ellington, John: A Handbook on Paul's Second Letter to the Corinthians. New York : United Bible Societies, 1993 (UBS Handbook Series; Helps for Translators), S. 128