Causes of Manipulation

A. Misplaced Dependencies

Misplaced priorities

• What others think is more important than it should be.

• At times, going against better judgment.

• At times, going against the conscience.

Identity misplaced in the manipulator

• “I must have you in my life.”

• “I can’t live without you.”

• “I have to have your approval.”

Scared of disapproval

• “I can’t say no.”

• “I’m afraid I’ll be rejected.”

• “I can’t take a stand.”

Performance-based acceptance

• “I am accepted only because of what I do.”

• “I have value only if my work is acceptable.”

• “I have worth only if I please others.”

Loss of independence

• Not allowed to make independent plans.

• Not permitted to have “alone time.”

• Not encouraged to spend money or time separately.

Anger

• Toward the manipulator.

• Toward the manipulative situations.

• Toward yourself for allowing the manipulation.

Controlled by the manipulator’s personality or power

• Consumed by what the manipulator does.

• Consumed by what the manipulator doesn’t do.

• Consumed by what the manipulator plans to do.

Excuses the manipulator

• “He/she doesn’t mean to act that way.”

• “He/she can’t help being that way.”

• “His/her actions don’t bother me.”

Defensiveness about the relationship

• Not seeing objectively that the relationship is unhealthy.

• Not facing reality of the need for change.

• Not willing to do anything about changing the relationship.

Proverbs 29:25 ESV

25 The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

(Proverbs 29:25)

Q “How is my dependency misplaced if I am being manipulated?”

If you assume that you must meet all the needs and fulfill the expectations of someone else—then you are depending too much on yourself. You are taking the role that God alone should have.

Jeremiah 17:5 ESV

5 Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.

Jeremiah 17:7 ESV

7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.… But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.’ ” (Jeremiah 17:5, 7)

B. Root Cause of Being Manipulated

Wrong Belief:

“I must have the approval of others in order to feel good about myself.”

Right Belief:

I must not live for the approval of others, but instead I realize that God will meet all my inner needs because He accepts me totally and loves me unconditionally.

Isaiah 58:11 ESV

11 And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” (Isaiah 58:11)