Jesus in Marriage

This morning’s passage is a difficult one for several reasons.

Most people would agree with a lot of what we have seen thus far in the practical section of Ephesians, right?

Of course you should be honest, and it’s good to pay attention to how you talk. You should be kind and let go of anger, right? You should live with intentionality, right, and not let time pass you by?

Most people in our culture would probably agree that those are good things, and you ought to live like that, even though they miss the fact that God commands us to do those things, and that living a life like that is only possible through Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection on our behalf.

However, this morning’s passage is one that directly confronts our culture in several ways. It is interesting, because it would have been hard for the church at Ephesus to hear as well, but for a totally different reason.

This week’s passage picks up the ideas from last week, so let’s recap.

Last week, we saw that we are called to make the most of every moment, living for Christ, instead of letting the days slip by, wasting time on us.

We saw that the only way to do that is to allow the Holy Spirit to fill us, which will spill over in several ways.

Pick up in ...

This morning, we are picking up with that idea of submitting ourselves to one another out of a heart of reverence for Christ.

Paul is going to get right to the heart of what it looks like to submit to one another by starting with our closest relationship: the relationship we have to our spouse.

Before we read the passage, I want you to see the one main idea we are going to pull out of today’s passage: We submit to one another in marriage by reflecting Jesus in unique ways.

As we will see, both husbands and wives are called to submit to each other. However, that expression looks different for wives than it does for husbands, and vice versa.

If you have been under bad teaching before, you may be cringing right now because you are expecting a message that will beat down women and reinforce the male chauvinism that has characterized some strains of Christianity.

For us to

If that’s what you have seen, I hope you will listen to this message all the way through before you cast judgment on it.

We do all need to be on the same page, though, about one of our underlying assumptions as we come to this passage.

As a church, we are complementarians. That may be your big word of the day, but that means we believe God created two distinct genders with different roles but equal standing, value, and dignity before God.

Those roles allow each gender to uniquely reflect the character and nature of God in distinct ways.

That principle starts at the very beginning of the Bible:

Genesis 1:26 CSB

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.”

Genesis 1:27 CSB

So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female.

From the beginning, God created men and women to have distinct characteristics. Both men and women are created in the image of God, and each demonstrates that in incredible ways.

However, if you know the story of the Bible, it didn’t stay that way long, did it? Before long, the fist man and woman sinned and did what God told them not to do.

When God confronted them with their sin, they immediately began to shift blame, and the balance shifted.

Now, husbands have a tendency to either become overbearing tyrants or passively give up their God given call to lead the home.

Wives can easily become doormats who get run over or overbearing women who refuse to recognize God’s design and allow their husbands to lead.

It feels some days like marriage is a constant tug-of-war between the sexes, with each side fighting sinful tendencies in their own heart.

How, then, can we make marriage work?

What has our theme been for this whole series through Ephesians? “Bringing It All Together”.

The only way marriage works is if we will allow the Holy Spirit to fill us to the fullness of God so we can reflect Christ to each other.

With that understanding in place, let’s read what Paul says to husbands and wives (22-33).

The first challenge issued is to the wives among us.

Here, Scripture calls you to reflect Christ in your home by...

1) Wives: Defer control.

Go back with me to 22-24.

In this passage, we see that wives are called to defer the leadership of their homes to their husbands.

He uses the example of Christ and the church.

Remember, this church isn’t my church, and it isn’t your church. This church belongs to Jesus, and we report to him.

You are not my boss, Jesus is.

I am not in charge of the church. I am simply given the responsibility of stewarding the church as he leads.

When the rubber meets the road, it is up to Jesus to lead this church and equip this church to be what he desires it to be.

In a similar way, God calls wives to submit the leadership of their home to their husband.

This is likely the part that causes the most difficulty in the minds of many.

In our world, we are used to power structures where the person at the top has all the benefits and the people below him have to deal with all the issues.

We judge so much of life on position and status, assuming that higher up the chain must be better.

So, then, if God is saying that a wife is supposed to submit to her husband, then God must be saying that a wife is inferior, right?

Not at all!

When God calls a woman to defer control, he is calling her to use her strength to encourage, support, and allow her husband to lead.

When she does that, she is clearly reflecting Christ.

Right before Jesus got arrested, when he knew he was about to die, he prayed. What did he pray?

Matthew 26:39 CSB

Going a little farther, he fell facedown and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Is Jesus any less than God the Father? No! Not at all. Yet he willingly submitted himself to the Father’s leadership.

Look at :

Philippians 2:5 CSB

Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus,

Philippians 2:5–8 CSB

Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited. Instead he emptied himself by assuming the form of a servant, taking on the likeness of humanity. And when he had come as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death— even to death on a cross.

Philippians 2:5–9 CSB

Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited. Instead he emptied himself by assuming the form of a servant, taking on the likeness of humanity. And when he had come as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death— even to death on a cross. For this reason God highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name,

Philippians 2:5–8 CSB

Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited. Instead he emptied himself by assuming the form of a servant, taking on the likeness of humanity. And when he had come as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death— even to death on a cross.

That’s what was getting at.

Matthew 26:39 CSB

Going a little farther, he fell facedown and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

matt 26:

Is Jesus any less than God the Father? No! Not at all.

That’s what was getting at.

He is equal with the Father, yet he willingly submitted himself to the Father’s will.

Why did Jesus have to be the one to die? We don’t really know. However, we know it wasn’t beneath him to do so.

As Kathy Keller wrote in The Meaning of Marriage, “We don’t know, but it was a sign of his greatness, not his weakness.”

Wives, then, you are called to reflect Christ at home by willingly submitting yourself to your husbands leadership.

Why? Because that’s how God ordained it to be.

Here’s what that doesn’t mean, though:

That a wife doesn’t have a say - we will see this more in a minute when we talk about how a husband leads.

That a wife must obey her husband unconditionally - As the Kellers say, “…a wife should not obey or aid a husband in doing things that God forbids, such as selling drugs or physically abusing her.”

That a wife is to be merely compliant - You aren’t passively along for the ride. Instead, you are going to be using whatever resources, gifts, and abilities you have to empower your husband to lead well.

See, that gets into the beauty of the fact that God made two distinct genders.

Ladies, there are unique ways God has created you physically and emotionally, and you need to exercise those gifts to the fullest.

What was the first thing in the Bible that God said wasn’t good? It wasn’t good for man to be alone. ()

What did he do to solve the problem? He created a woman for the man, and she was to be his helper and his complement, filling in what he was lacking.

This is tough, but

By the way, that doesn’t mean that if you are single, you will never be whole. Jesus never married and was the most complete person to ever live.

What it does mean is that our world is filled and enriched by these beautiful distinctives that cause so much headache but result in so much more than we could ever be on our own.

In a home where a husband and wife are living lives that are filled by the Spirit, I think there is another level where this takes place.

Wives, there are certain ways you reflect Christ’s character and nature that your husband doesn’t. Men, you reflect Christ in ways your wife doesn’t.

Together, then, you journey is to reflect Christ to each other so that each one of you looks more like Jesus because of the way the other person has been following him.

When you are single, you are still enriched by the differences between you and the opposite gender friends you have.

As Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, writes, “What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy...but holy?

So then, wives, you are called to submit to your husband and empower him to lead your family to grow spiritually, make wise decisions, and see Christ move through your family like you didn’t think possible.

You can only do this when you are secure in who you are in Christ, and you are walking a life that is being filled by the Spirit of God.

With that said, guys, if you are holding up your side of the command, you will make it much easier on her to live as God calls her to live.

Remember, verse 21 indicates that we are submitting to our wives as well.

However, we submit to our wives as we...

2) Husbands: Sacrifice everything.

Did you notice how much longer this part of the passage is?

Guys, we too are called to show Jesus in our marriage.

Look back at verses 25-30.

You are called to love your wife like Jesus loves us.

How did Jesus love us? By dying in our place.

Yes, you and I have the responsibility to lead our homes, but don’t you think for a second that your leadership gives you the right to act like a jerk.

Jesus forever redefined leadership for us, didn’t he?

In , Jesus was enjoying one last special meal with his disciples before he was going to die.

Before they ate, Jesus did something remarkable: he took the job that belonged to one of the lowest household slaves, and he washed his disciples’ feet.

Before that night was over, one of those men was going to hand him over to the Romans for him to be killed. Another would deny Jesus three different times, swearing he didn’t even know him. All the rest would run away and hide.

Yet what did he do? He washed their dirty, nasty, smelly feet.

Why?

John 13:12–15 CSB

When Jesus had washed their feet and put on his outer clothing, he reclined again and said to them, “Do you know what I have done for you? You call me Teacher and Lord—and you are speaking rightly, since that is what I am. So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done for you.

John 13:12-

Jesus washed their feet to show us what it means to lead.

Men, you are called to love and lead your wife like that.

Your love should sacrifice for her so that whenever possible, you let her know how valuable and treasured she is, both to you and to God.

Your job is to help the woman whom God has entrusted to you to come to know him better because of what she sees in you.

Did you get that? Your job isn’t to make her happy!

Your job is to create an atmosphere for her where she can grow to look more like Jesus!

Look back at verse 26 - Jesus died to make us holy, and he is equipping you to do the same!

You aren’t lording your authority over her, you are cherishing her like you would take care of a part of your own body (which she is, by the way!)

You are to provide for her and care for her, and that is more than just earning a living and putting food on the table.

In fact, that’s a good time for us to make an observation here: did you notice how little specifics there are in this passage about exactly what is a husband’s job and what is a wife’s?

Nowhere do we see Scripture teaching that a woman can never work or that a man can’t help with the laundry or dishes.

What God tells us is that her heart is empowered deference and his is sacrificial love, and how that works out is largely up to you!

Back to us men, though, we are called to provide and care for our wives. That means not just physical safety or financial security. That also means we communicate to them that we are a safe place for them to confide their emotions and that they will be cared for no matter what.

If you are loving your wife like that, there will be very few times when you are going to have to lovingly say, “I fully understand and recognize how you feel, but I believe this is what God is calling us to do.”

In twelve years of marriage, I could probably count on one hand the number of times we have reached an impasse where I had to be the one to make the final call.

In a home where a husband and wife are living lives that are filled by the Spirit, I think there is another level where this takes place.

Wives, there are certain ways you reflect Christ’s character and nature that your husband doesn’t. Men, you reflect Christ in ways your wife doesn’t.

Together, then, you journey is to reflect Christ to each other so that each one of you looks more like Jesus because of the way the other person has been following him.

If you are having to do that a lot, something isn’t right, and you two need to sit down and prayerfully find out what is going on that is keeping you at odds.

Guys, do you see how hard this is?

As Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, writes, “What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy...but holy?

Your love for your wife can’t change if she isn’t acting like you want her to.

Have you ever noticed that couples who have been married for a long time start talking and thinking like each other? They even seem to start looking similar after a while.

In a home where a husband and wife are living lives that are filled by the Spirit, I think there is another level where this takes place.

Do you remember what we said about Jesus washing the disciples’ feet?

Wives, there are certain ways you reflect Christ’s character and nature that your husband doesn’t. Men, you reflect Christ in ways your wife doesn’t.

He did it knowing that they were going to abandon, deny, and even betray him within 12 hours, yet he loved them enough to wash his feet.

Together, then, you journey is to reflect Christ to each other so that each one of you looks more like Jesus because of the way the other person has been following him.

That’s not chauvinism, that is sacrificial love.

As Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, writes, “What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy...but holy?

Men, it’s just like I told your wives a minute ago. You can’t love this way unless you are secure in the love Christ has for you and you are being filled by his Spirit.

Look again at how he sums it all up (v31-33).

Men, love your wives.

Ladies, respect your husbands.

Why? Because that’s the clearest picture of what Jesus has done for us.

He showed his respect to the Father by willingly submitting himself to death on a cross.

That same act also showed us the unconditional, unchanging love that we all desperately long for.

Your marriage will never be perfect, which is why you must find your security and identity in Christ.

Once you do, though, you will see God shape you each to be more than you could have been individually.