Relationships Transformed IN CHRIST
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The book of Colossians is all about genuine spiritual maturity. Genuine spiritual maturity is only possible because of a relationship with Christ, you cannot become mature without a growing walk in Christ, and you do not need anything other than Christ in order to grow spiritually. For this reason Paul began the conversation of genuine spiritual growth with a command to walk in Christ.
6 As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: 7 Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.
In Col 3.1-17 Paul gave these believers the blue print for how one actually does that- in other words, how does one walk in Christ?
You walk in Christ, you grow unto spiritual maturity in your relationship with Christ by:
Seeking the things that are above (that is making Christ the treasure of your heart)
Setting you mind on things that are above (delighting your thinking in Christ)
Putting to death that which is earthly in you (this process of mortification must go all the way deep down to the idolatrous loves of our hearts)
Being renewed by knowledge back into the image of your creator
Putting on the very character of Christ
Paying special attention to four aspects of your walk with Christ that are of paramount importance
Putting on love, being ruled by peace, letting the Word of Christ live in you richly, and doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus- and in everything having an attitude of thanksgiving.
This is what Paul means when talks about walking in Christ, and it is these kinds of believers that will become spiritually mature. And this is Paul’s goal:
28 Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus:
As Paul continues his discussion of spiritually mature believers in Colossians 3 He shifts his focus from a blue print for how to walk in Christ, to what spiritually mature believers will look like once they have been transformed by a meaningful walk in Christ.
In other words, if you follow the pattern of Ch 3.1-17 after a while of doing that- your relationship with Christ will begin to change every aspect of your life. In Col 3.18-22 Paul focuses on how walking in Christ transforms all social relationships you have.
How will walking in Christ transform other relationships in your life?
Paul gives us four examples of transformed social relationships of believers who have genuinely grown in their spiritual walk.
How will walking in Christ transform other relationships in your life?
I. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the wife to husband relationship (v. 18)
I. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the wife to husband relationship (v. 18)
18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
First, notice the command to the wives-
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.
The term submit means “to subject or subordinate.” Here Paul uses this command in the middle voice- You, yourselves submit to your own husbands. When the middle voice is used for this verb in Scripture it takes on the idea of a voluntary submission, this voluntary submission resembles the concept of Christian humility.
So wives, voluntarily put yourself in a position of subordination to your own husbands.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Wives, voluntarily put yourself in a position of subordination to your own husbands, and do so as unto the Lord. Here, Paul ultimately ties your submission to your husband to your submission to the Lord. The reason you are to submit is that God has chosen the husband to fulfill the role of HEAD over the home. Just as Christ is the head of the church, God has chosen the husband to be head in the home. So as the church voluntarily puts itself into a position of subordination to Christ, so the wives are to do the say for their husbands. Why? Because that is the way that God designed it to be! That was what God thought to be best. Ladies, your responsibility is to ultimately submit to God and His choice that your husband is the head of your home.
Second, notice the qualification of the command to the wives back in Col. 3.18-
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands- why?
as is fit(ting) (proper, or the right thing) in the Lord.
This is a very important qualification for you wives. You are told to submit because it is fitting. Notice, Paul does not tell the wives simply to obey. Paul does tell children and slaves to strictly obey, but to the wives he says submit because it is fitting or it is right in the Lord. That means that submission is voluntarily assuming a particular role because it is right.
This qualification eliminates many misunderstandings concerning what submission is and what it is not.
In our culture, for the wife to submit to the husband is akin to sexism, bigotry, and slavery. Our world would view submission as weakness and as a way for the man to be superior over the woman. But that is not biblical submission.
Biblical submission is the wife willingly assuming a role in the marriage relationship, that is a subordinate one to the husband, not because the husband is superior to her, but because it is right in the Lord. That means that submission has nothing to do with personal worth or value. God values equally the worth of the wife and the husband. When we stand before the judgment seat of Christ, the wives will be rewarded to the same degree as the husbands will be- because their worth or value is equal.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
When Peter says that the wives are heirs together (with the husbands) of the grace of life- I believe that Peter is referring to the reward of eschatological life that God will give all believers one day. Both the husband and the wife will be heirs together (equally) because both the husband and the wife have equal value to God.
Case in point that submission does NOT mean that one is superior to another in terms of worth or value is I Cor 15.28.
28 And when all things shall be subdued unto him, then shall the Son also himself be subject unto him that put all things under him, that God may be all in all.
Here Paul is talking about the end of the story- all the way at the end when all things are subdued unto Christ unto the Son, then the Son will subject or subordinate or submit Himself unto the Father, that God may be all in all.
This is the same word that Paul uses for the wives. Just because the Son submits Himself to the Father does not mean that the Son has less value than the Father. No, they are equal in value and worth. Everything that makes the Son God is equal with everything that makes the Father God. The Son is not lower in essence, He is simply subordinate in function to the Father.
The same is true of the wife and the husband. The wife is equal to the husband in essence (in value), but there is a difference in function. Differences of roles to accomplish specific functions does not mean that one is superior and the other inferior. Rather it is better to understand that the wife functions in the role of submission- why? Because God choose that role for her. Because God knew that the role of being submissive to her husband was the role best suited for her. And it is the wife’s job to trust God’s judgment. Therefore, she must willingly put herself in a subordinate role because that role is the right it is proper in the Lord.
Wives, the next time you are tempted to bauk at the idea of submitting yourselves to your own husbands remember that this exact relationship is found within the Godhead. The Father, Son, and Spirit each have different operations (functional subordination), but they are all equally divine (essential quality). Your marriage relationship is patterned after those in God, and both husbands and wives should endeavor to understand their roles in that light.
Wives, how are you doing in the area of submitting to your husbands? Are you doing so willingly? Are you thinking of submission from a biblical point of view? Do you understand and see how your submission models the very relationship of the Godhead?
What excuses are keeping you from proper biblical submission? You don’t know what my husband is like. I would submit if my husband were a godly leader. If he would just treat me better then I could submit, but he just makes it impossible! Why are you submitting? Are you doing it because it is fitting, it is proper as to the Lord?
In each of these relationships, remember that a wife who properly submits to her husband is a wife who is walking IN CHRIST. And out of that walk, her relationships are transformed! Maybe, ladies, you are having trouble submitting, because you are not walking IN CHRIST. Maybe, there are still some idolatrous loves ruling your hearts, maybe you are delighting your thinking not in Christ, but in earthly things. You cannot be the mature godly wife that God has called you to be unless you are walking in a deep growing relationship with Christ!
How will walking in Christ transform other relationships in your life?
II. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the husband to wife relationship (v. 19)
II. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the husband to wife relationship (v. 19)
19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
First, notice the command to the husbands- Husbands, love your wives!
This is no earthly, wordly view of love- this is ἀγαπn love.
This is the kind of love that only comes from a believer who is walking in Christ, and who is filled with the Holy Spirit. This agape love is the first fruit of the Holy Spirit filled believer.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
Dr. McLachlan at the WFBC annual meeting did a workshop on strengthening our marital and moral integrity. And he gave this definition of ἀγαπn love.
Biblical love is “the self” surrendering to God fully and completely by serving one another sacrificially and redemptively.
Biblical love is a radical change from self to unself.
It is a selfless and sacrificial investment in the wellbeing of another.
It is a conscious decision to act first in behalf of another rather than first in behalf of yourself.
Wow, what a definition. Men do you love, I mean do you agape your wife?
Actually Dr. McLachlan expands his definition of agape love by linking the rest of the fruit of the spirit to the big idea of love.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
He says this, “Love is the first fruit of the Spirit and each successive ‘fruit’ is a nuance or facet of that love. Perhaps this is why the word ‘fruit’ is singular rather than plural. It’s one fruit with multiple flavors, one diamond with multiple facets-the fruit is Agape!
So Joy is really love celebrating deeply
Peace is love resting quietly
Longsuffering (Patience) is love enduring patiently
Gentleness (Kindness) is love performing benevolently
Goodness is love behaving morally and generously
Faith (Faithfulness) is love trusting fully and serving reliably
Meekness is love domesticating appetites powerfully
Temperance (Self-Control) is love restraining sensual drives strongly
I wish we had time to dive into each of these nuances of love in detail, but we do not. So men I realize that this “definition” of love was a bit like taking a drink from a fire hydrant. And so I challenge you- Paul said earlier in Col 3.16 that we are to let the Word of Christ dwell in us richly- sometime this next week let Gal 5.22-23 dwell in your hearts richly with all wisdom- give some deep thought to what it means to agape your wife.
Agape love is surrendering the idea of loving yourself fully and completely to God and serving and sacrificing for her. It is the selfless and sacrificial investment in her. It is a choice on your part men to act first in behalf of her rather than first in behalf of yourself. And it is so much more. Agape love is fully of joy, abounding with peace, patient, gentle and kind, good and generous, faithful and trusting, meek, and self-controlled.
Men do you love your wife? I do not believe that there is a man in this room who could stand up and say, that’s me, I love my wife exactly that way. This kind of love is so radical, it is such an extreme transformation from the word’s concept of “love” that Paul could think of only one example that could possibly due justice to the way we are to love our wives. Do you know what that example is?
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
What an incredible challenge to us men to love our wives.
There is a second command that Paul gives in v. 19 for the husbands
19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Do not be bitter toward your wives. Pres, Pass, Imp- do not become embittered toward them. (Strong resentment).
If the positive command is to love your wives, the negative idea of that command is do not become embittered against them (do not allow yourself to have feelings of strong resentment against your wives)
Men do any of you have feelings of bitterness or resentment against your wives?
How could that happen? That seems really extreme, yet it does happen. My question is how do we get to the point in our lives where we have an attitude of bitterness against our wives? It doesn’t happen all of a sudden. It is not like you wake up one morning with an attitude of resentment against her. There is a process to this. What is that process?
Well do you remember the definition of biblical love?
Biblical love is “the self” surrendering to God fully and completely by serving one another sacrificially and redemptively.
What happens men, when we refuse to do that? What happens when we do not surrender the self to God? What happens when we do not serve our wives sacrificially and redemptively? I think the process of husbands becoming bitter against their wives is a direct result of men failing to walk in Christ!
The process of husbands becoming bitter against their wives is a direct result of men failing to walk in Christ.
So men, when you fail in your spiritual lives to:
Seeking the things that are above (that is making Christ the treasure of your heart)
Setting you mind on things that are above (delighting your thinking in Christ)
Putting to death that which is earthly in you (this process of mortification must go all the way deep down to the idolatrous loves of our hearts)
Being renewed by knowledge back into the image of your creator
Putting on the very character of Christ- when we are NOT working diligently to put on compassion and kindness and humility and meekness and patience. When we are not bearing with each other and forgiving each other.
Paying special attention to certain aspects of your walk with Christ that are of paramount importance
Putting on love, being ruled by peace, letting the Word of Christ live in you richly, and doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus- and in everything having an attitude of thanksgiving.
When you fail to walk in Christ in other words, you live for yourself, you end up in a relationship with your wife where you have feelings of strong resentment against her. This is heart-breaking! Because you should be loving her like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.
Only out of a deep personal mature walk with Christ can the husband to wife relationship be transformed!
In my 35 years of experience on this earth I have been alive long enough to personally witness, multiple times, the devastating consequences of a man, refusing to walk in Christ, refusing to love his wife, harboring feelings of resentment toward her, and many times that relationship ending in disaster. It does not have to be that way. A mature walk in Christ transforms all other relationships in our lives. Men if you are struggling in this area of loving your wives, the big question you need to be asking yourself is, “how is my walk with Christ?”
It is only IN CHRIST and the transforming power of the gospel that your marriage will be what God intended it to be- a loving, self-sacrificing, Holy-Spirit filled, fruit of the Spirit kind of beautiful marriage.
III. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the children to parent relationship (v. 20)
III. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the children to parent relationship (v. 20)
20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
Notice first the command to the children-
Children, obey your parents.
Paul uses the same word for servants or slaves in verse 22.
22 Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God:
And notice kids, you are to obey your parents in what? Only the things that you feel like doing? No, in all things. This is a command directly from God to you. This is a present imperative which implies continuous action- Children keep on obeying your parents in all things. As long as you are under the care and protection of your parents, you are under their authority and therefore, you are required by God to obey them.
Now, kids there are two incredibly important ideas that go along with this command to obey your parents.
1). You are to obey your parents- for/because this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
The word “well pleasing” means acceptable. When you obey your parents in all things, your obedience is acceptable to God.
Listen to how Paul uses this word in Phil 4.18
18 But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things which were sent from you, an odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, wellpleasing to God.
Here the Apostle Paul is commending the Philippians for sending him a gift of money to help him in his work for the Lord. Notice how Paul describes that gift- it was an odour of sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, wellpleasing to whom? To God! Their gift was not just about sending money to Paul, their gift, because they did it out of love-willingly, and for the work of the Lord, was an act of worship! It was a way for them to worship God. And God said it was like unto a sweet smell or an acceptable sacrifice- it was wellpleasing to God.
What is your very favorite smell? Warm fresh bakes chocolate chip cookies? Fresh cinnamon rolls? Do you know what one on my favorite smells is? Fresh ground coffee. Hmm, it is wonderful.
When you obey your parents, and you do so out of a loving heart, that is worship. You are offering God the gift of your obedience to your parents as an act of worship. And when you obey your parents and you do it to worship God, it is like a sweet smelling, wellpleasing, acceptable sacrifice of worship to God.
Kids do you think about your obedience to your parents as your chance to worship God? Do you think of your obedience as a gift that you can give God to honor Him?
What kinds of things do your parents tell you to do that you don’t like? Chores, homework, being nice to your siblings? When your parents tell you to do something, especially when they tell you to do something that you don’t like how are you tempted to respond? Pout, cry, get angry, disobey, ignore them. What kind of gift of worship are you giving to God when you don’t obey your parents the way that you should?
Even when you have to do something that you don’t want to do, remember that you are ultimately obeying your parents because God told you to, and when you do obey, and you do it as a gift for God because you love Him, God says it is wellpleasing in His sight.
2). Your obedience to your parents is only possible when you are walking IN CHRIST.
Kids- genuine obedience, that is obeying your parents in order to offer up gifts of worship to God that are wellpleasing in His sight, is only possible when you are growing in your walk IN CHRIST. It is not something that comes naturally. It is not something you can accomplish in your own strength. It is not something that comes from your flesh. This kind of obedience is something only a personal relationship with Christ can accomplish. It is something that is transformed inside of you the closer you walk in Christ.
That means:
Seeking the things that are above (that is making Christ the treasure of your heart)
Setting you mind on things that are above (delighting your thinking in Christ)
Putting to death that which is earthly in you (this process of mortification must go all the way deep down to the idolatrous loves of our hearts)
Being renewed by knowledge back into the image of your creator
Putting on the very character of Christ- when we are NOT working diligently to put on compassion and kindness and humility and meekness and patience. When we are not bearing with each other and forgiving each other.
Paying special attention to certain aspects of your walk with Christ that are of paramount importance
Putting on love, being ruled by peace, letting the Word of Christ live in you richly, and doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus- and in everything having an attitude of thanksgiving.
Kids when is the last time you spent personally reading your Bibles and letting the Word of Christ dominate your thinking? What are you seeking after, what is the treasure of your heart? Is it Christ? You need to seek after Christ and walk IN CHRIST, because He is the one who changes you and enables you to obey is such a way that God is well pleased.
Parents-
Do we teach our kids to obey this way? Do we address their heart? Do we stress their relationship with Christ? Do we teach them to worship God in a way that is well pleasing in His sight?
Teaching kids to obey without training them to walk in Christ, and without teaching them the joy of offering gifts of worship to God can only lead to nothing other that legalism. And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up and they abandon the things they were taught to obey? It is because they only ever obeyed out of a sense of duty or obligation. We only ever taught them to toe the line, or to obey because I said so. We only ever demanded compliance from our kids without teaching them the joy of a relationship with God. That we obey because we love God, we obey because it is our chance to give God the gift of our obedience because of all that He has done for us. We only ever demand compliance from our kids without teaching them the necessity of a deep abiding close walk with Christ. That obedience is only possible as we are empowered by the Spirit of God through the Word of God. That obedience comes from the Word of God being our treasure and delighting our thinking and transforming our living. Mom and Dad are you training your children to really obey God? Or our you simply demanding that they obey because you said so?
Walking IN CHRIST will transform the child to parent relationship.
Kids how is your walk with Christ? Saved?
Parents how is your task of training the hearts of your children going?
IV. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the father to children relationship (v. 21)
IV. Walking IN CHRIST will transform the father to children relationship (v. 21)
21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
21 Οἱ πατέρες, μὴ ⸀ἐρεθίζετε τὰ τέκνα ὑμῶν,
Fathers, do not embitter your children
ἵνα μὴ ἀθυμῶσιν.
In order that they may not lose heart
Provoke- imperative/command, to cause someone to react in a way that suggests acceptance of a challenge. In Colossians 3 Paul uses it in a negative way and it carries the idea of irritate or embitter.
Fathers, do not irritate or embitter your children,
Why not?
Frankly, I love at times, to irritate my children. I love to tease them relentlessly (all in good fun of course). That is not the idea of irritate or embitterment Paul is talking about. This kind of irritation is not the playful/good natured kind. It is the kind that leads to bitterness in the hearts of our kids- and notice what else it causes.
Lest (that, in order that) they be discouraged- to become disheartened to the extent of losing motivation, be discouraged, lose heart
Fathers, do not embitter your children, Why not? so that they do not lose heart. Men, this is a serious thing. This is a heavy command. This is not something to be taken lightly.
There are two questions that instantly came to my mind as I was reading this text-
1. How is it possible to irritate or embitter my children in this way- to such an extent that it causes them to loose heart?
2. How can I avoid do this?
Question #1- How is this possible? How is it possible dads to irritate or embitter my children that it causes them to loose heart?
To answer this question we need to examine the overall context of Colossians. Paul is battling against a heresy that was creeping into the church. There were some that we claiming that you needed something else other than Christ to become spiritual. There were those who were turning to worshiping angels and to keeping a strict system of rules and regulations in order to become more spiritual. There was a fundamental flaw in their theology however.
Colossians 2:23 KJV 1900
Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.
Colossians 2:23 ESV
These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.
In other words it didn’t work. They weren’t becoming more spiritual. In fact exactly the opposite was happening. They could not stop the indulgence of their flesh. So while they claimed to be elite spiritual Christians, they were in fact indulging in their flesh. I think this is a primary way, men, that we can irritate or embitter our kids. When spiritually immature lives, when we live according to the indulgence of our flesh (especially when we claim to follow Christ), we not only do great damage to our own lives, but we can cause our kids to lose heart, to become discourages, to lose motivation for following Christ.
Refutation: I do not mean to say, dads, that the spiritual success or failure of your kids is squarely on your shoulders. The text does not say, Fathers make sure you children grow up to be super-hero Christians. That is not nor cannot it be our responsibility. To lay that responsibility on any man’s shoulders would crush him. The text says don’t live in such a way that you are a spiritual discouragement to them. Ultimately, that spiritual success of our kids is something only the grace of God can accomplish.
I want you to notice the fundamental flaw of these false teachers of this man made religious system in Colossians.
Colossians 2:18–19 KJV 1900
18 Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind, 19 And not holding the Head, from which all the body by joints and bands having nourishment ministered, and knit together, increaseth with the increase of God.
Not holding to the head. This was their fundamental flaw, they did not seek Christ! Dads, we must seek Christ.
This is the answer to Question #2- How can I avoid this? Seek Christ. In short, men you need to be a Col. 3:1-17 Christian. Your relationship with Christ needs to be so genuine, so meaningful, so foundational to who you are as Dads, that it is an encouragement to your kids to follow Christ, rather than something that causes them to lose heart.
That means:
Seeking the things that are above (that is making Christ the treasure of your heart)
Setting you mind on things that are above (delighting your thinking in Christ)
Putting to death that which is earthly in you (this process of mortification must go all the way deep down to the idolatrous loves of our hearts)
Being renewed by knowledge back into the image of your creator
Putting on the very character of Christ- when we are NOT working diligently to put on compassion and kindness and humility and meekness and patience. When we are not bearing with each other and forgiving each other.
Paying special attention to certain aspects of your walk with Christ that are of paramount importance
Putting on love, being ruled by peace, letting the Word of Christ live in you richly, and doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus- and in everything having an attitude of thanksgiving.
Dads- how are you doing at seeking Christ? At walking IN CHRIST? The spiritual encouragement of your children depends upon it!
Folks if we are genuinely walking IN CHRIST then it will transform all of our relationships. We looked at four of those relationship today-
Walking IN CHRIST will transform the wife to husband relationship- loving submissive wives
Walking IN CHRIST will transform the husband to wife relationship- loving sacrificial husbands
Walking IN CHRIST will transform the children to parents relationship- obedient, worshipful children
Walking IN CHRIST will transform the father to children relationship- spiritual encouraging fathers
What relationship needs transformation in your life? The answer is a deep, close, personal walk IN CHRIST.