Reed #1

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John 15:1–17 CSB

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. Every branch in me that does not produce fruit he removes, and he prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me. If anyone does not remain in me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be my disciples. “As the Father has loved me, I have also loved you. Remain in my love. If you keep my commands you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. “I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. “This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me, but I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit and that your fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you. “This is what I command you: Love one another.

Our foundation and reliance is on Christ. In Jesus’ talks with His disciples on the evening before his death, He describes himself as the vine and His disciples as branches. Using Jesus’ own metaphor, we will consider how abiding in Christ gives me, not only the ability to minister, but also street-level compassion and practical wisdom to share with you in your struggle with sexual sin. I will focus on how to fight against sexual sin and to engage the necessary battle to overcome it.

What Does Abiding mean?

The vine metaphor teaches us about spiritual union with God. Just as the branches of a grapevine receive sustaining nourishment from their attachment to the vine, we receive our spiritual life source from Christ. And because we’re united to him by faith, we share in His death and resurrection. All that was ours—sin, death, pain, self-deception, heartache, condemnation, weakness, insecurity, rebellion, hard heartedness—became His on the cross and was dealt with once and for all. And all that is His as the beloved Son of the Father has become ours. We have a new life, a new nature, and new abilities. How is this so?

Jesus’ disciples were familiar with the Old Testament teaching that compared God’s people to a carefully planted and cultivated vineyard that produced bitter, wild grapes instead of good fruit (; ; ). Jesus reclaims and reworks this well-known image. Unlike Israel, He is the obedient and true vine that yields good fruit, and He offers a new way for His people to do that as well.

"“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. "Every branch in me that does not produce fruit he removes, and he prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. "You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. "Remain in me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me. "I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me.” ()..."My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be my disciples.” ()

Notice how over and over again He commands them to REMAIN—to live in Him, to abide in Him, to rest in Him. This is the remedy for the rebellion of the Old Testament. He said, remain in my love, remain in my words, remain in my commands. Indeed, living in Christ is how we express our new life and nature. It is the foundation for a God-glorifying, fruitful and effective faith. We live in Christ. Christ lives in us.

Think about Jesus’ statement, “apart from me you can do nothing.” The branch can only bear fruit by remaining in a vital, daily remaining relationship with the vine. As it abides, the riches of the vine nourish the branch, enabling it to bear good fruit. When Christians—the branches—bear good fruit we demonstrate that we belong to the Father (). Our fruit points back to the life-giving vine and this brings God glory. The believer is pleasing to God through the power of Christ dwelling within, the life sap of the vine.

A life of obedience, love and increasing overcoming of sin can’t be accomplished in our own power. This is obviously true for you Reed, the sexual struggler. And it equally applies to anyone who desires to be a fruitful and effective helper. Friendship and discipleship to you will only be fruitful when offered in and through Jesus Christ.

I am living proof of the truth that God uses our dependence upon him. In my years at Harvest USA, God has borne fruit through me: I’ve been able to help women through targeted discipleship, and I’ve been able to equip God’s people through teaching and writing. God has enabled me to do these things by pruning me over and over again from fear, unbelief, self-reliance, and pride. I can’t abide in my words of insight or my ability to speak and teach on these hard topics. I can do nothing apart from Christ, no matter how much knowledge or experience I have—and neither can you! Celebrate today that Christ accomplishes ministry through you and me. He makes you fruitful.

Strengthened by this truth, how do I begin to think about how to help you, who have succumbed to a life characterized by sexual sin? I will first describe how God sees your life patterns that you are struggling in.

Dykas, E. M. (2016). Abiding in the Vine: Walking with Sexual Strugglers. The Journal of Biblical Counseling, 30(2), 56–58.

THURSDAY: Sexual Sin Is an Anti-Abiding Lifestyle

The lifestyle of sexual sin and addiction is an anti-remaining lifestyle. It is like a branch attempting to disconnect itself and live a fruitful life on its own terms. In your struggle, the call to remain in Christ is drowned out by the alluring call of other voices that promise something better. Though true union with God () cannot be undone, you can, to our peril, choose to live in ways that neglect and even erode our relationship with Him. Participating in sexual sin is one way you put distance between yourself and God.

John Flavel, a seventeenth-century English pastor, explains the spiritual problem of the anti-remaining lifestyle this way. “The soul is so constituted that it craves fulfillment from things outside itself and will embrace earthly joys for satisfaction when it cannot reach spiritual ones.”

What Flavel means is: when we are not satisfied with Christ, when we do not embrace Him, our restless souls must look for something else. Flavel then describes the risk of such a search.

“The believer is in spiritual danger if he allows himself to go for any length of time without tasting the love of Christ and savoring the felt comforts of a Savior’s presence. When Christ ceases to fill the heart with satisfaction, our souls will go in silent search of other lovers.”

Dykas, E. M. (2016). Abiding in the Vine: Walking with Sexual Strugglers. The Journal of Biblical Counseling, 30(2), 59.

Specifically, what other ‘lovers’ are you pursuing?

What does this communicate about Jesus?

What does this communicate about Jesus?

The risk of not remaining in Christ is that we will find an earthly “joy” like sexual sin to embrace. Sexual sin is a search for other “sources of life,” rather than the true vine, Jesus Christ.

There are common characteristics among believers who pursue this search and become entangled in sexual sin. Here are six.

1. Sexual sinners seek refuge and comfort in the world and the flesh, rather than in Christ. People seek to escape into pleasure amid the pain of life’s stressors. This is a common motivation of those who go to porn, solo sex, entangled relationships, sexual fantasy, affairs, and technology-mediated sex. These are all used as a temporary escape from the pain and distress of life in a fallen world.

2. Sexual sinners resist and refuse the pruning love of the Father, rather than receive His correction. God is always at work pruning His branches, cutting away anything that hinders us and erodes our relationship with Him. But when we refuse to relinquish control and stubbornly hold on to those intrusions and erosive influences upon our hearts, we reject the help that can free us. The anguish of letting go of secret idols keeps many held captive in intoxicating but destructive relationships and patterns.

3. Sexual sinners isolate themselves from other believers rather than cultivate holy fellowship. Sinful thoughts and actions always block true relationship with our brothers and sisters in Jesus. When we’re not abiding in the vine, our connection with others is broken. Strugglers live lonely lives. The vast majority of men who seek help sadly acknowledge they have no true friends. No matter the age, ethnicity, marital status, or job, these men have found “safety and relationship” through pornography, online sexual chat rooms, fantasy and anonymous sexual encounters with others. This is tragic! I read of one man spent close to sixty years avoiding relationships of authentic intimacy (including with his wife), choosing instead the “safety” of a porn-based fantasy world.

4. Sexual sinners seek life in other people rather than finding life in the Vine. Seeking life in other people is relational idolatry, and one potential “fruit” of relational idolatry is sexually sinful relationships. Looking for these experiences among women on a screen—rather than bringing your needs to the Vine—is not only sinful but also destroying your life.

Similarly, emotional entanglements can lead to sexually immoral relationships. Women often grow into a romantic and sexual relationship with each other as the seeds of emotional dependency are watered and cultivated into something that feels beautiful and life giving. Many sisters in Christ, younger and older, have expressed, “How could it be wrong to express our love for one another in a physical way?”

5. Sexual sinners rely on a false belief system rather than the true Word. How is it that men and women can proclaim personal faith in the truths of God—and some even teach and preach about the faith—yet have a hidden life that is radically anti-biblical? One key ingredient is the false belief that the gospel is not enough for the struggles we face in a tough world. They believe that sexual sin gives them something they truly need, or at least allows the pain of this life to be soothed for a brief time.

We all battle to live out our professed theology. But it is sobering how we can talk ourselves into believing that the quick fix that sexual sin gives us is better than obedience to a loving Savior.

6. Sexual sinners don’t experience Jesus’ promise of Christian joy (). Think of all the energy and planning spent to keep sin a secret or an unholy relationship hidden. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting to attempt to make sin “work.” In the process, we exchange joyful satisfaction in Christ for a substitute that will not deliver what our hearts long for. Flavel’s sobering words are appropriate here as well: the other lovers, or sources of life, we go after as Jesus-substitutes rot and steal joy from our soul.

The humble people who seek help for their struggles invariably confess that they have lived these six characteristics to some degree.

Go back and underline anything that applies to your struggle personally.

Those who struggle in sexual sin are people whose hearts have been hijacked from love and trust of Christ, and their lives and relationships are filled with difficulty and bad fruit. But, we’re all prone to this, aren’t we? The man obsessively visiting adult book stores and the married woman addicted to internet pornography are people we are more alike than different. We all serve creation rather than our Creator, somehow, someway. We all need help to be faithful to Jesus Christ. When you truly understand sin, you’ll realize there is nothing new or ultimately shocking about sexual addiction. Although you and I may be shocked by some behaviors, spiritual adultery is the more obscene picture.

When you truly understand sin, you’ll realize there is nothing new or ultimately shocking about sexual addiction. Although you and I may be shocked by some behaviors, spiritual adultery is the more obscene picture.

This adultery of the soul is what knits all of humanity together in our common need for Jesus, the only One who rescues us from our sin by drawing us into Himself, the vine. So it is with great humility that we offer help to someone caught in sexual sin. We start with basic discipleship and encouragement.

Help by Starting with the Basics

To understand what starting with the basics looks like, let’s consider two case studies. The first is a story about a man named Zach.

Zach is forty-four and married to Kari. He has been a Christian for nineteen years, and is an elder in his church. He also has looked at porn for years. He says he “likes it all,” but is most captivated by gay porn. Since his brother’s thirteenth birthday, when Zach was eight, he’s wondered if he is gay or bisexual. That day, he stumbled upon his brother and two friends acting out sexually with each other. They coerced him into letting them “try some things” with him. The physical sensations, emotional rush and attention he experienced in the blur of that day led this eight-year-old to think and feel many confusing and scary things. When he discovered porn, he immediately searched for sites that had a homosexual genre and was quickly hooked.

Zach became a Christian in college. He met Kari after he graduated. As their relationship progressed, he shared with her about his abuse and the confused struggle he felt off and on in his sense of identity as a man. After that summer as an eight-year-old, Zach did not have sexual encounters with males, but the pornography he viewed caused secret same-sex desires and questions about them stayed alive in his mind. Kari never knew about his porn usage until recently when their ten-year-old daughter saw a website that Zach forgot to close and delete from his browsing history. The truth came out and now he’s not sure what to do or who to talk to. Kari is angry, heart-broken and overwhelmed with these revelations about the man she’s been married to for twenty years.

The second case study is about Mary. She is thirty, single, and a fun loving, people person with strong leadership gifts. She quickly found her niche in church as the coordinator of the women’s weekly Bible study. Mary has “been a Christian for as long as I can remember!” She has a wide group of friends, including both married and single people. Mary, however, has never told anyone about her long time, off-and-on struggles with sexual fantasy and solo sex. When puberty hit, she innocently discovered masturbation. When she became sexually active at age seventeen, pleasuring herself wasn’t appealing anymore. She didn’t feel the need for it when she had a boyfriend and was sexually involved with him. But when the relationship ended, she would return to her private world of pleasure and comfort. For three years she’s been sexually abstinent from any activity with men, but her thought life and solo sex struggles have become weekly, habitual patterns for her. She just turned thirty, and the reality of still being single combined with these secret struggles has stirred a deep angst and loneliness in her heart. She knows she needs help to sort out her Christian life and messy sexuality, not to mention a thought life filled with sexual fantasies.

Zach and Mary need the same basic foundational components that are present in any discipleship relationship. Yes, they are struggling with patterns of sexual sin, but what they are most desperate for is someone to help them connect the truths of the gospel to their heart and their sexual struggle. How can helpers do this? Here are two ways to help.

Stay near to your brother or sister through prayer, listening, knowing and encouraging. God our Father wants his children to live side by side, in the trenches with each other, as brothers and sisters. Paul said, “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our very lives because you had become so dear to us” ().

Stay near to Zach and Mary. Share your life and the gospel through prayer. Ask questions and listen. This will help them to open up and be known by you and to make known places that have been hidden in shame for years, even decades. By staying near, we come to understand precious details about their lives, faith stories, pain, and their struggles with sexual sin. Knowing truly and truly being known is what the Bible means when it speaks of Christians having fellowship with one another. We experience this through the Vine, as we abide in him and walk in the light with one another ().

When a man or woman has lived in shame-heavy darkness, the experience of being known and loved in a safe, grace-filled relationship is powerful. It opens the door for the deeper heart work that is necessary to overcome sexual sin. This “staying near” love will require much time, energy, and heart investment. It’s costly. It will feel inconvenient at times. But it is worth it! This is what believers do for one another when someone has strayed.

Kari, Zach’s wife, will also need trusted helpers. Too often, devastated spouses are overlooked when sin is revealed. Wives and husbands in the throes of the painful revelations of sexual betrayal need to be heard, listened to, cared for and guided through their own personal process of healing.

Disciple strugglers in Bible reading, prayer and core truths of identity in Christ. These seem so basic, yet often the foundational and obvious aspects of faith are overlooked when a sexual struggler needs help. These are, in part, what sexual strugglers have walked away from in their quest to find comfort in sources other than Christ.

Zach reads the entire Bible every year and leads his family in weekly devotions. He teaches Sunday school classes on marriage and family issues. His ministry as an elder and the situations in church that require his leadership keep him busy with conversations about God. These activities however have not been spiritual exercises for Zach but habits that he does without thinking or praying. He needs help in knowing how to read the Bible for personal application, and as the Word of truth for his own life! God’s Word is meant to have a home in us (; ), yet Zach has kept its contents in the “backyard” of his soul. His fears, insecurities as a man, and the auto-pilot nature of his porn struggle all have root issues connected to his weak faith. The Vine-dresser’s touch and the Vine’s life-giving strength have been held at arm’s length. Zach lives disconnected from the God he professes. He needs encouragement and accountability for cultivating new patterns of spiritual growth through steps, such as slowing down when he reads the Bible so he can think about what he is reading. He needs to be challenged to stop reading so many Christian blogs (for now at least). Instead, now is a season to focus on reading God’s Word so he can know Christ. He needs the first-person touch in order to apply God’s promises to his concerns, temptations and trials. One way to start might be to read one Psalm each day, seeking to apply it personally to that day’s responsibilities and concerns. Perhaps he could also read one pastoral epistle each month, slowly taking in the truths of who he is in Christ, and the specific commands that Christ gives to him as husband, wife, father, employee and elder.

Zach also needs help to understand how his sexual experiences, both done against him and done by him, have impacted his heart, beliefs, emotions and actions. He’s never understood that what his brother and friends did to him doesn’t define him. His identity is not a gay or bisexual man. He is a man with confusing feelings, painful memories, and desires. After many years of viewing homosexual porn, his thought life is filled with images that have cultivated a disordered understanding of manhood and sexuality. Zach needs help to apply the promises of Jesus to his broken sexual past and his current sexual sin. He needs to believe he is within the reach of God’s redemption and healing. This kind of help will only come through someone offering patient listening and persevering friendship. He needs to be known!

Now let’s consider how these same basics apply to Mary. Her thought life is filled with sexual fantasy connected to her past relationships with men, as well as movies, books and music. These feed her emotional and sexual lust. Her life as a woman in Christ seems disconnected from these mental struggles. The concepts of abiding in Jesus will go more deeply into her heart as she is taught about union with Jesus and how to nurture holy thinking. We cultivate new thought patterns by intentional steps to seek to know God and to set and deliberately place our attention upon him and his Word.

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. ()

Mary’s mind gets stuck on the earth. Christ intends to capture her full attention.

Despite all the talk about God and prayer in public settings, Zach and Mary both say that their personal prayer lives are paralyzed when it comes to their sexual sin. Prayer has been something they’ve both “done.” They have asked God to take their cravings away. They’ve prayed to be changed into “better” Christians. Both feel stuck because nothing much has changed. But prayer is not primarily about petitions. It is an intimate path to relationship with their Father and Savior. God’s supreme gift is himself. When God says to Zach and Mary, “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you and you shall glorify me” (), he means it! God wants to teach Zach and Mary to grow in a prayer relationship with himself that increasingly helps them to cry out for help in the midst of the real stuff of their lives: marriage, singleness, stress, sexual temptations, loneliness, pain, fear, disappointment and relational trials as well as joys.

Zach and Mary will grow in their trust and contentment in God as they learn to not only pray but to wait, by faith, for him to work in their hearts. This is challenging since most of us want instant “microwave” change rather than slow “crockpot” sanctification. But it is usually the long, slow simmering in God’s love, grace and truth that he uses to accomplish his good purposes in our lives. But for some people, these basics, even if they are bearing fruit, are not enough. Some, maybe even most, need a specific repentance plan and will need patient help to develop it.

Help Develop a Repentance Plan

Help Develop a Repentance Plan

Sexual sin can be an entrenched, life-dominating problem that is not easily overcome. This is true for both Zach and Mary. Like many Christians, they grew disheartened in their faith when their temptations didn’t go away, even though they took steps to live in a way that honors the Lord. Zach assumed that his cravings for gay porn would dissipate over time through marriage and his ministry as an elder. Similarly, Mary prayed, read the Bible more consistently, and fought hard to stay away from guys she knew would cross physical boundaries. She had counted on these steps of obedience to quench her desire to masturbate and to increase her power to resist temptation—but they didn’t. Both Mary and Zach failed over and over and returned to their sexual sin. They now question if their faith in Jesus is real because it did not prevent these relapses.

How can they learn to live in Jesus Christ? How can they learn to recover from failings and connect to Jesus over time? Zach and Mary need more than good steps of obedience and effort. They need a personal and specific plan of repentance. Repentance is a steady process of turning to Christ and away from sin, of fleeing influences that distract us from loving and trusting Jesus, and learning how to abide in him. A repentance plan does not assume a quick overnight change, but a heart commitment to the process. Greg Gilbert puts it this way:

Though repentance doesn’t mean an immediate end to our sinning, it does mean that we will no longer live at peace with our sin. We will declare war against it and dedicate ourselves to resisting it by God’s power on every front in our lives … we have to remember that genuine repentance is more fundamentally a matter of the heart’s attitude toward sin than it is a mere change of behavior. Do we hate sin and war against it, or do we cherish it and defend it?

Zach and Mary do want to war against their sin. That means changing behaviors. But as Gilbert suggests above, God is after our hearts—not only what we do, but why we do it. A personal and specific repentance plan can be tremendously helpful in this regard. Like Zach and Mary, many believers who struggle with sexual sin know lots of Bible verses and general principles of the Christian life. However, they need help in applying the wisdom of the Bible to their specific temptations and struggles.

A personal repentance plan builds upon the previously mentioned basics of discipleship, by focusing on three key areas of struggle. The first two are related. Strugglers have isolated themselves both from God and other people and need to reestablish and invest in these relationships. The third component is to identify the situations and problems that trigger their sexual indulgence and restructure their lives so as to reduce temptation.

Though I am writing to helpers here, I put the main points in quotation marks as if I was speaking directly to the struggler.

First, “Remember who you are in Christ and reach out to him.” Our identity as God’s forgiven children, those who are chosen, holy and beloved () is an encouraging starting point. Those who have struggled for any length of time, like Zach and Mary, usually have a heavy-hearted sense of identity tied to shame. This fundamental aspect of Christian discipleship is one we never outgrow our need for! The process usually is something like this: unbelief then belief then unbelief then … belief! Repentance in this regard will mean putting off ties to a false identity as “sexual sinners.” It means learning a new identity as God’s loved children. It will include patient and gentle reminders from helpers about how the amazing reality of union with Jesus never changes, even as our unbelief impacts how we experience it.

The following questions can help a sexual struggler to do this.

• How might your struggle against this sin become different as you embrace what God says about your true identity? In God’s eyes, regardless of your struggle with this particular sin, you are chosen, you are holy, and set apart to belong to God. You are dearly loved as a son or daughter of God.

Helpers, consider selecting from these passages to read and discuss together: and 103; ; , ; ; ; . You might have the one you are helping read these passages and use a highlighter to mark any mention of who we are as children of God. In addition, you could ask the person to keep a journal that answers this question: How do these highlighted truths bring a new and right perspective on your sin struggle (i.e., Sin is something we do; it isn’t who we are!). If the person you are helping is more comfortable processing things verbally, then have him or her talk through these questions with you instead of writing in a journal.

• What types of hurts and hardships do you need to learn to withstand—rather than escaping to sinful comfort? Being loved by God doesn’t mean you’ll avoid trials, loss and disappointments in this life. Are there any ongoing circumstances that you need God’s help with?

Helpers, consider selecting from these passages: ; ; ; or 3; ; ; ; ; ; . Have the person either journal about them or discuss them with you when you meet together. Most of us need help in applying God’s promises of comfort to our specific struggles with unbelief, not to mention experiences of pain, distress and frustration. Ask people to compare their answers to the above questions to the truths of Scripture. Encourage them to reflect on how their particular sexual sin has served as a replacement for God’s comfort in the trials of their life. Also, have them think through what the Bible says about trials.

Second, “Remember you need help. Reach out to other people.” It’s wonderful that this man or woman has reached out to you for help! The fact that the two of you are taking steps to journey together will be a flesh and blood example that, in Christ, he or she is not an only child! Similar to Jesus naming his followers as branches (plural) in , God names us as his children. This indicates the eternal family of brothers and sisters to which all Christians belong. A repentance plan guides people to turn from isolation and hiding to developing relationships.

Here are a few questions to guide someone in growing relationally.

• Who are people in your life who are, or could become, a safe friend? As you grow in the security of being fully known and fully loved by God, it will give you courage to be known by people you can trust. God does not call us to walk alone! Each of us needs others to come alongside and encourage us, celebrate with us and grieve with us. In other words we need friends—friends who are safe and trustworthy. If no one comes to mind right away, be courageous and innovative for a moment. Are there people you know who exhibit spiritual maturity, gentleness and humility who might be a good “candidate”?

• Within your safe friendships, how can you begin to open up about the trials you face and ask for help, encouragement and prayer? In what ways will you walk in the light and be committed to living in the open, rather than hiding the facts about the true nature of your life, state of soul, temptations and sin struggles?

• What activities, circumstances, relationships or temptations do you need to set boundaries for? Who can help you discern what is and isn’t ok? To pursue obedience means you have to take accountability seriously.

• Have you neglected or avoided people in your key relational spheres? For example, family, friendships, church, ministry teams, people who are in authority over you, people who are under your supervision, work colleagues, neighbors. How can you begin to love others in specific and practical ways?

Helpers, think small steps here! Help someone not only think about their need to open up to people, but also to grow in loving others. Here are the types of questions you could ask. Are there ways to volunteer in your church initially on a short term basis? Does someone you know need help with transportation? Has anyone recently been widowed or survived a tough health battle? What resonates with your heart as you think about ideas to serve others?

In addition, here are several passages to consider reading together that explain God’s plan for relationships among his people: ; ; ; ; ; . As you ask the questions above, and study Scripture together, keep in mind that your active listening, knowing and encouraging will be powerful. Men and women who have been mired in pornography and sexual fantasy often express confusion about how to make “real” friends. Your relationship with him or her can model what it’s like to communicate in a healthy and vulnerable way, as well as how to listen.

Third, “Identify your triggers and prepare how you will respond.” The third component of a repentance plan is to identify triggers. Triggers are events, circumstances or experiences that produce the kind of discomfort that pulls a struggler toward sexual sin in order to gratify, numb or self-soothe. While temptation and triggers are not sin in and of themselves, the goal is to learn how to respond to them in the same way as Rosaria Butterfield says to respond to sin: Flee! Run for your life!

Don’t “admit” sin as a kind of benign visitor; confess it as an evil offense and put it out! You can’t domesticate sin [or temptation patterns] by admitting it into your home. Don’t make a false peace … If you bring a baby tiger into your house, buy it a collar and leash, and name it “Fluffy,” don’t be surprised if you wake up one day and Fluffy is eating you alive. This is how sin works, and Fluffy knows her job.

Sexual sin, like most struggles, doesn’t just happen. There is usually an identifiable path a person walks down over and over again, forming a pattern of response (). Yet it is easy to live for years, if not decades, with little awareness of why we do what we do. However, with God’s help and the counsel of the Holy Spirit, we can grow in increasing self-awareness of how these patterns of behavior develop. Jesus helps us grow in responding by faith to triggers rather than sinning. We can grow in putting on Christ and making no room for familiar sinful responses ().

Here are some suggestions for questions and Scriptures to discuss together.

• Are you aware of stressors or struggles in your life that seem to precede the times you give in to sexual sin? Overcoming sin happens as we understand how patterns play out in our lives. A key component in your growth will be to identify triggers in your life that prompt you to go after your specific sin. For example, what happens before you look at pornography? Before you give way to solo sex? Before you cross physical boundaries with your boy/girlfriend? You might consider the hours or days leading up to the actual behavior. Think back to the trials and disappointments we talked about before. How do they play a role in your struggle? Let’s pray from together first, and ask God to give us wisdom and insight.

• As you look over the list of questions below, what insights about your triggers come to mind?

• What people, relationships and interpersonal dynamics tempt you toward sin, ungodly thinking, and unhealthy activity?

• What role does technology play?

• How does entertainment (TV, movies, music, etc.) impact you?

• What types of social events are unhelpful for you?

• Is there anything in your work environment that should be avoided or removed?

• How does your use of “me-time,” such as vacation, weekends, and free time, impact your sin pattern? Are there triggers that prompt you during such time periods that you need to intentionally avoid? For example, most of us have go-to activities we pursue when we want to relax as a way to “treat” ourselves. We are generally not accountable to anyone for these activities. What are your habits and do they need to be changed?

• Once you identify your triggers, what might be two or three new responses you could have when you face them? Let’s read and . The Bible teaches that we can either sow into obedience or sow into sin. This gives us great hope! Through Jesus, you can begin to choose a different response to your triggers and temptations. God can help you increasingly choose what is good and holy, and to flee what is sinful and enslaving. How can you ask your friends to pray for and encourage you in this regard?

Helpers, think back to the basics again! How can God’s Word, God’s people, and prayer become an integral part of this person’s response to triggers?

• Are there any ongoing situations in your life that create pressure for you? Sometimes triggers such as certain people and circumstances cannot be permanently removed from our lives. God will give wisdom on how to avoid and flee temptations. How can you flee to Jesus (a new response!), even if your circumstances don’t change?

• How can living a life of love, rooted in the reality that you are already a loved child of God, embolden you when you face one of your familiar triggers? brings us back to some key topics we’ve already discussed.

As you can see, it will take some thought and planning to create this part of the plan, but preparing a struggler to avoid and respond to common triggers is a key aspect of any repentance plan.

Together, these three components, reaching out to God, to other people, and addressing typical triggers, enable strugglers to declare war on their sin. As a person learns to reconnect with Christ, to abide—to live—in him, the one by one victories over old habits will begin to add up.

How Zach and Mary Walked Out Their Repentance Plans

Let’s look at the plans Zach and Mary developed.

As Zach pursued growth, he gained several key insights that helped create a repentance plan that was well tailored to him. Zach discerned that his insecurities as a man, the sexual abuse that was never dealt with, and the consistent overwhelming stress he felt to provide and care for his family were all tied to significant suffering and unbelief in his life. As he began to grow in understanding and believing in his true identity as a loved child of God, the internal pain and confusion began to dissipate. God began to heal his broken heart. He realized that when Kari seemed depressed or disappointed in him, or when the elders had an extra heavy load of church crises to attend to, that these triggering circumstances kick-started an internal spiral of defeat and insecurity. For years, he automatically would go online to get lost in a fantasy world of false manhood and control. Given these details about how his particular struggle manifests, he committed to this repentance plan:

• Daily time alone with God in prayer and Bible reflection. Zach focused on slowing down as he read the Bible. He took a six-month sabbatical from the public teaching of Scripture to flee the temptation to study it only as a way to develop a teaching outline. He worked to apply what he was reading to his daily life and schedule.

• No online activity after 9pm each night. He replaced this with a nightly thirty minute check in with Kari to connect and pray.

• Zach reached out to an older couple at church and asked if they’d meet with him and Kari for sharing and prayer once a month. Kari found this to be helpful and began to meet with the wife for one-on-one discipleship.

• He installed filters for accountability on his phone and laptop (personal and work).

• He committed to not check work emails from home, and to pray about work stress and responsibilities at the beginning and close of each work day.

• He took steps to share his life with two friends. One is an elder and the other is a man whom Zach respected for years, but had avoided because of his secrets. He committed to text them and ask them for prayer when work or marriage stress felt overwhelming. He also committed to confess any pursuit of pornography within twenty-four hours to these two men and to Kari.

• Zach also agreed to pursue formal counseling to address the deeper issues and impact associated with his childhood experiences.

Zach’s plan covered the three areas: renewed relationship with God, with others, and a plan for his triggers.

Mary realized that her perspectives on singleness and sex were messy and unbiblical. She committed to focus her reading in the Word on the character of God, as well as the satisfaction that only comes through Jesus. She recognized she needed to be honest with God about her disappointment and grief that she was not married, and to feel the weight of those emotions.

Mary’s repentance plan came together like this:

• She stepped down from being the Bible study coordinator, but continued as a discussion group member for the next year.

• She asked the leader of her discussion group to mentor her in prayer and help her process through her life as a single woman (including these sin struggles).

• Mary’s triggers were time alone on the weekends as well as the hours she spent watching TV and movies. She disconnected cable TV, cancelled Netflix and committed to not rent movies unless she checked first with her mentor.

• Mary decided to plan activities out of her house or invite people over when her roommate was out of town on the weekends.

• She deleted music from her phone and tablet that stirred sexual thoughts and feelings.

• Because she had realized many of her friendships with other women were superficial, Mary began to cultivate relationships with both single and married women in her church. She committed to initiate one-on-one time with a Christian sister twice a month.

• Mary committed to confess any struggle with online activity or masturbation within twenty-four hours to both her mentor and a friend from Bible study. They agreed to pray for her and to encourage her.

Taken together, these elements worked well to help Mary to stay on track.

As Zach and Mary engaged with their personal repentance plans, they benefited from consistent reminders about the process of crockpot sanctification. Their growth in abiding in the Vine, walking in honesty with trusted brothers and sisters, and waging war against sexual sin was slow, but it was steady! They were learning to know God. They were learning to love and be loved by people. They were putting away sinful sexual fantasies and behaviors and putting on godly lifestyles. And they were growing more and more into their true identity: loved children of God with the supernatural ability to bear the beautiful fruit of repentance.

We Abide in Christ Together

We Abide in Christ Together

Christians struggling with sexual sin don’t need to struggle alone—and they shouldn’t have to. As those who abide in Jesus together, a family knit together for all of eternity, we have everything we need to offer loving and effective discipleship to men and women like Zach and Mary. The simplicity of knowing, listening to and praying with a sexual struggler can be a powerful turning point in their journey. Helping someone know how to abide in Christ will lead to the renewal of that person’s heart and mind. Getting involved with the development of a personal repentance plan will spur a brother or sister to pursue Christ in radical new patterns of life. They will be emboldened to turn from sexual sin and reconnect to the true Vine that provides nourishing life. As they abide in him and he in them, they will grow more and more into the fruit-bearing branch that God has created them to be.

Dykas, E. M. (2016). Abiding in the Vine: Walking with Sexual Strugglers. The Journal of Biblical Counseling, 30(2), 58–76.

Dykas, E. M. (2016). Abiding in the Vine: Walking with Sexual Strugglers. The Journal of Biblical Counseling, 30(2), 56.