Staff Training 10/14/18

Cobie Nesbitt

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What are some difficult Conversations in your life right now ?

________________________

Disappointing someone

Find your internal voice

Every difficult conversation has the same underlying structure

These three questions that we ask drive The Story that we tell in our minds.

What are some hard Conversations that we face as a leader ?

What has happened ?

What is happening ?

What should be happening ?

Who’s Right ?

What I’m right about is what’s safe , it’s what I feel like I have to defend.

Who’s Fault is it ?

Why is the other person being so difficult ?

The More frustrated that we are with the other person, the more likely we are to tell a particular negative story to assume the worst about what is wrong with them.

What do I do about the strong feelings that I have ?

Write down some of the feelings that you are having in the Difficult Conversation that you are thinking about.

ESV15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

Give Every leader should be a consistent tither When you give systematically ( tithes and offerings) and spontaneously (seeds, gifts ) you help your pastor to meet his financial obligations and alleviate the associated stresses of paying bills Pray Pray for their peace, perseverance and personal strugglesParticipate by Progressing Grow with me , don’t get left behind If we want to increase our ministries appeal, the people underneath the pastor need to be increasing in knowledge and experience. If they are not getting better neither is the pastor. Avoid the toxic feeling of complacency

ESV15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

______________________

Your feelings matter

By the time conversations get difficult we have two problems.

The surface problem: What actually Happened

The deeper problem : How we each feel treated by the other.

If we don’t talk about about how I ‘am feeling it will show up in another form in the near future.

Identity : The story that we tell about who we are, and what this situation suggest about us.

What does this say about me ?

I’m a competent ?

I’m I a Good person ?

I’m I worthy of Love?

I’m I worthy of Respect?

People don’t respond well to being lectured, blamed or fixed.

Often times in difficult conversations we have two topics two talkers and zero listeners.

Change the story that you are telling in your head? Align your story closer to reality.

Instead of asking “who’s right ?”

What do we each think this conversation is about ?

Why do we see this so differently ?

Instead of asking “Who’s fault is it ? “

What did we each contribute to the situation?

Blame tends to look for who’s most at fault

Joint contribution assumes that everyone involved has some part to play. We did or failed to do things that got us to where we are today.

Blame tends to assume that someone didn't do their job

Joint Contribution = includes completely reasonable things to do, they just didn’t help.

Your just as guilty when you don’t say anything

Instead of asking “ Why are they acting this way”

Separate intentions from impact

Peoples intentions are invisible to us

Speak to the impact not the intentions.

Joint Contribution is the fuel of learning

Asking and exploring trying to understand.

Transparency increases the power of our conversation.

Talking at, talking to we need to move to talking with

You don’t have to just give in and not just push back but rather hold both concerns as possible and important to talk about.

Most difficult conversations are ongoing

Scale:

1 – Never True of Me 2 – Rarely True of Me 3 – Sometimes True of Me 4 – Mostly True of Me 5 – Always True of Me

Assessment Questions:

1. I spend time to reflect and prepare before entering into difficult conversations.

2. When entering a difficult conversation, I work to understand the other person’s perspective.

3. When entering into a difficult conversation, I do not presume to know the intentions of the other person.

4. When entering a difficult conversation, I do not focus on who is to blame.

5. When entering into a difficult conversation, I consider the contribution that each of us made to the situation.

6. I am aware of the diverse emotions that I bring to a difficult conversation.

7. In a difficult conversation, I can discuss emotions without becoming emotional.

8. I am aware of the ways a difficult conversation triggers my identity issues.

9. I can intuit the issues that a difficult conversation might trigger in other people.

10. I am able to embrace a complex self-identity (i.e.: not all or nothing).

Chapter 6: How Can you Alleviate Pressure: Participate

How can you help Alleviate Pressure? Honor: To be weighty, to be heavy upon. The state of being highly respected or revered. A show of respect or special favor given to a person highly regarded. to have great price.

Honor: To be weighty, to be heavy upon. The state of being highly respected or revered. A show of respect or special favor given to a person highly regarded. to have great price.

No one likes to hang out where they don’t feel honor.

How can you help Alleviate Pressure? Serve

A Pastor can only be as good as his support system. If the right people aren't in place or doing their jobs,it’s going to bring growth to a halt.

Be Consistent Be Conscientious Be Constructive

How can you help Alleviate Pressure? Protect

Your Pastors believes you're going to protect him and his family from gossip , criticism , false accusations , and the like.

When someone condemns or criticizes your pastor publicly, it’s clear where their loyalty does not lie. If you don’t bring this duplicity to your pastor’s attention, your loyalty can be called into question too.

We want to create and maintain a culture that it is unacceptable to bite and devour one another

Galatians 5:15 ESV

15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

Give Every leader should be a consistent tither

When you give systematically ( tithes and offerings) and spontaneously (seeds, gifts ) you help your pastor to meet his financial obligations and alleviate the associated stresses of paying bills

How can you help Alleviate Pressure? Pray

Pray for their peace, perseverance and personal struggles

How can you help Alleviate Pressure? Participate by Progressing

Grow with me , don’t get left behind

If we want to increase our ministries appeal, the people underneath the pastor need to be increasing in knowledge and experience. If they are not getting better neither is the pastor.

Avoid the toxic feeling of complacency

High Level Pressure Alleviating : Truth in Love Style

1 Thessalonians 5:12 KJV 1900

12 And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you;

1 Timothy 6:10 ESV

10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

1 Thessalonians 5:13 KJV 1900

13 And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves.

You have served before, been trained before and have been trained very well…but

Staff Training 10/14/18

Pastoral Assistants Shug, R.J. , Pete, Mi Mi, Mrs. Haskins in particular

Create some Separation without having to be asked.

People are pouring out there hearts to us, there most darkest most intimate secrets, it’s hard enough for them to talk to us but it makes the moment even more awkward if your in their mouth.

When you come into our space you force me to have to rebuke you and if I don’t the person that I’m talking to will think that we’re Ok with you in their business. Maybe don’t but when they have our Audience

And I’ve been in enough backrooms to know that when my topic is free to discuss, it will be discussed when I leave the room.

I don’t want that reputation.

Don’t dump on us your supposed to be around us to build us up.

No time to share your personal issues, when it’s Ministry Time.

The reality is you have access to us that most people don’t have’ As important as they are we can talk about your/ our personal matters and issues anytime.

Don’t deprive people the same thing that you take pride in. The Privilege of privacy

Follow my lead in conversations

Speak only when spoken to.

Especially when I’m talking to other leaders.

To interject when two leaders are talking is Out of Order

When it’s preaching time there is no room for side bar, some days are different sometimes I don’t mind talking and when I don’t mind talking I will talk but other than that, follow my lead.

One comment you make . Story you tell can totally shift my thoughts and direction of my mood before I speak.. what you have to say isn’t that important.

Lady C is 100% of the time don’t want to bothered

I know it’s hard you’ve been wanting to say something to us since the last time we spoke or saw each other and you don’t want to forget but you have to train yourself to keep in mind

We are not peers, we’re your leaders.

Don’t invite yourself into conversations when someone is talking to their Pastors.

That is OUT OF ORDER

Don’t ease drop into conversations when a person is talking to their leaders

That is OUT OF ORDER

Even if we include you in a conversation that we are in, Be mindful not to take the conversation over.

To over power any conversation that your leader is in is simply Out of Order

Some have the tendency to speak more that we do. And this is Out of Order

Your mindset should always be “You serve to the pleasure of the President “

“You serve to the pleasure of the President “

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