Jokes

teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
      
      "NO!" the children all answered.
      
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
      
      Again, the answer was "NO!"
      
      "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
      
      In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

A Christian Pet

This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet.
So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular
breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog
and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
 of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "Let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

The One Dollar Bill

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been?
I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a
cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for
awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of
stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church,
church."

Don't Lie

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his
sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He
wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark
has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my
sermon on the sin of lying."

It's in the Bible

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very, very nervous,
so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her
on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her
pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to
what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't
really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed
by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in
the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when
I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

The Amish Boy and His Father

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father responded "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped
out.

Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Mother."

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

FOR MOTHER’S DAY

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
*
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand
him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON
television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
*
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
*
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
for himself.
*
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
*
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
*
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember
where he put his tools.
*
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
hiding in the garden.
*
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
*
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."