Introduction to Relational Conflict

19 We love, because He first loved us. 20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

Philippians

James 4:1–2 NASB95

1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.

James 4:6–10 NRSV

6 But he gives all the more grace; therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into dejection. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:6-10

Philippians 2:3–7 NASB95

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

:3-7

Philippians

Introduction

The title of today’s message is “Introduction to Relational Conflict.” No matter who you are, how old you are, how young you are, how long you have known Jesus or have been in the church, you will always have to deal with relational conflict.

You will have conflict at school, you will have conflict with family members, you will have conflict with friends, you will have conflict with an ex you used to date or be married to, you will have conflict at your job, you will have conflict in your marriage, and yes you will even have conflict in the church. It doesn’t matter where you go or what stage of life you are in, you will have to deal with relational conflict.

Definition of Conflict: Conflict arises when one person has a need of another and that need is not being met, or when one person’s wants clashes with another person’s wants.

Definition of Conflict: Conflict arises when one person has a need of another and that need is not being met

Conflict arises when one person has a need of another and that need is not being met

For example:

There is conflict, when your parent says I need you to wash the dishes, but you want to stay watching your Netflix show or keep playing your video game.

There is conflict, when your so-called best friend breaks the friend code and ends up dating your ex or a person you like.

There is conflict when you are trying to play and crack jokes when your school teacher is trying to teach.

There is conflict, when your so-called best friend breaks the friend code and ends up dating your ex or a person you like.

There is conflict, when you are neat and clean person, but you are living with or working with someone who is comfortable with being messy.

There is conflict when one person in the marriage sees money as security while the other person sees money as enjoyment.

There is conflict, when you have expectations of people who never agreed to do what you expected of them.

Some of you are mad a people right now for not being something that they never agreed to be in your life.

But then on the flip side of that, there is conflict when someone told you they were going to do something and they didn’t do it.

There is conflict, when parents die, leave property and money in the bank, and the surviving siblings get greedy.

There is conflict, when you’re at a ministry meeting or a job meeting, in a relationship or working on a group project at school and people have different perspectives and ideas on how to go about doing something and it’s not a situation where you can satisfy everybody.

It doesn’t matter where you go or what stage of life you are in, you will have to deal with relational conflict.

And here is the thing. Conflict is not bad. Conflict can actually be a very healthy thing.Conflict is like bacteria. Usually we tend to think of bacteria as being only bad, but there is such thing as good bacteria. Good bacteria aids in digestion, strengthens the immune system, and helps to keep bad bacteria in check. Like good bacteria, we need conflict because:

Conflict will show you how selfish you are.

Conflict will make you aware of the temper you didn’t know you had.

Conflict will make you aware of perspectives you didn’t even think about .

Conflict will reveal those dark places, that bad bacteria in our hearts that still needs to submitted to Christ.

We need conflict. Conflict can be a very healthy thing.

You have heard me say before that it is hard to grow in the fruits of the Spirit listed in until you are tested. It’s hard to grow in love until somebody test your love. It’s hard to grow in patience until somebody test your patience. It’s difficult to grow in temperance until somebody gets on your last nerve.

It’s in conflict where we have the most opportunity to grow and become more like Jesus. But it is also in conflict where we have the most opportunity to become less like Jesus.

That’s why James says:

James 1:2–4 NIV

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:

James 1:1–4 NRSV

1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings. 2 My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; 4 and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

So then what makes conflict so bad is not conflict itself, but it is how we deal with conflict.

So then what makes conflict so bad or unhealthy? Great question. It is how we deal with conflict.

When it comes to dealing with conflict, many of us fall into two main categories. We are either turtles or beasts. Turtles retreat into their shell and tend to avoid conflict. Turtles don’t like to ruffle any feathers and they are good at people pleasing. Turtles can be mistaken for peacemakers, but in actuality they are just good at settling for false peace. Their goal is to avoid conflict, not deal with the conflict. They rather keep their thoughts to themselves in fear of creating tension so they retreat into their shell and suffer silently.

It is easy to fall into two categories in dealing with conflict. Some of us are turtles (you settle for false peace) and some of us are beasts (tend to impose your will on others, you want other people people to bemjust like you. you do not respect other people’s ideas and opinions) you may throw tantrums and even items

Anybody know of any turtles?

Beasts on the other hand are aggressive when it comes to conflict. They are very confrontational. It is difficult for them to see another perspective than their own. They tend to impose their will on others and do not respect other people’s ideas and opinions. They get easily angered when they do not get their way. Beasts are mistaken for being bold and “keeping it real” because they “tell it like it is,” but in actuality they are just rude. Beasts usually think they are dealing with the conflict, but because of their approach they just create more conflict.

Has anyone ever met a beast before?

In between - you pick and choose your battles but speak when it is necessary. And when you speak, you are open to not just being understood but you are open to understand.

Conflict is not bad but its how we deal with it.

Turn to your neighbor and say “Neighbor, are you a turtle or are you a beasts?”

For many of us, depending on the relationship we, we go back and forth between the two. Sometimes we can be a beasts at your job but a turtle at home or a turtle at your job and a beasts at home. But it doesn’t matter which one you may see yourself identifying with, neither deals with conflict properly. A turtle avoids conflict while the beasts escalates it. And so we must find a better way to resolve conflict.

And so if you are writing notes, I want you to write three headings: Why is Resolving Conflict Important? What is the Cause of Unresolved Conflict? What is One principle I can apply this week? (I can’t give you too much at once)

God cares a lot about conflict, especially conflict between brothers and sisters in Christ. He cares so much that God inspired multiple authors in Scripture to write about it. If you are writing notes, I want you to write three headings: Why is Resolving Conflict Important? What is the Cause of Conflict? What is One principle I can apply this week?

And if you are writing notes, I want you to write three headings: 1) What is It? Why is It Important? What is the Cause of It? One principle to apply this week? And I want to give you one simple yet hard principle that you can begin to apply this week

Why is Resolving Conflict Important?

1. Unresolved conflict blocks fellowship with God.

The first reason why it is important to deal with relational conflict is because unresolved conflict blocks fellowship with God.

Look at .

1 John 4:20 NASB95

20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.

1. You Can’t be right with God and not right in your relationships

You can’t be right with God and not right in your relationships with people. And just so we are all on the same page when the author says “If someone says, I love God but hates his brother,” when he says brother he is not just talking about your blood brother, but he is talking about any brother or sister in Christ.

You Can’t be right with God and not right in your relationships

And so the reason why the author says “If someone says I love God and but hates his brother is a liar” is because our relationships with one another are in someways a reflection of our relationship with God. Our relationships with one another are actually practice for our relationships with God. How? Watch this.

At the beginning of this message we said that conflict arises when one person has a need of another and that need is not being met, or when one person’s wants clashes with another person’s wants. Question 1: When you expect or need somebody to do something and they don’t do it, how do you deal with disappointment? Now however you deal with that disappointment with a human being is a good indicator on how you are going to deal with a God you cannot see when you pray and expect God to do something and he doesn’t.

Question 2 - How do you deal with people who want something different or have different perspectives than you? Are you welcoming or are you always combative? God has told us our thoughts are not his thoughts and our ways are not his ways. Which means that there are going to be times when me and God don’t want the same things. And if I think I’m always right and I am not open to embracing the perspectives of people I see on regular basis, then how do I expect to embrace the perfect will and perspective of a God I cannot see?

This is why the author says you can’t love God you don’t see when you hate a brother or sister you see daily. Our relationships with people are practices for our relationship with each other.

2. Unresolved conflict blocks my prayers from being answered.

All I’m saying is our relationships with one another are actually practice for our our relationship with God.

2. It blocks my prayers from being answered

The second reason why it is important to deal with relational conflict is because unresolved conflict blocks my prayers from being answered.

says:

Mark 11:

Mark 11:24–25 NIV

24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

This is for those of us who are good at holding grudges. Holding on to resentment and bitterness in your heart is like coming to Jesus with a closed fist. So long as you hold onto it, it is difficult to receive the blessings He has for you.

Jesus wants to give you peace and he wants to give you joy, but first you must be willing to let go of whatever that person did to you.

Unresolved conflict blocks my prayers from being answered.

3. Unresolved conflict blocks TRUE worship.

Matthew 5:23 NRSV

23 So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you,

Look at what Matthew says in the message Bible:

Matthew 5:23–24 The Message

23 “This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, 24 abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

How many of you ever had an argument on the way to church? Well if you have, God would actually want you to stay in the car and work things out with that person than for you to come into church and act like you can have true worship while your relationships still remains broken.

How many of you ever had an argument on the way to church? Well if you have, God would actually want you to stay in the car and work things out with that person than for you to come into church and act like you have true worship while your relationship still remains broken.

Because we are all created in the image of God, how we treat one another is apart of our worship.

The goal of worship is not Sunday, but it is right relationship with God and people. Jesus boiled all commandments down to two: Love God and Love people. That’s the goal of worship.

o This is why the author says you can’t love you a God you can’t see while hating the brother or sister you see daily. Our relationships with people are practices for our relationship with each other.

, Paul writes to the Corinthians about how divided they are and how many broken relationships there are in the church. So he basically says how can you have communion and have a lot of broken relationships. He says so long as there is a lot of division and broken relationships among you, you’re not having communion, you’re just going through the motions.

Unresolved conflict will block true worship.

So you can preach, sing, usher, feed the homeless or whatever, but if your relationships are

4. Unresolved conflict blocks my happiness.

The second reason why it is important to deal with relational conflict is because unresolved conflict blocks my happiness.

This point doesn’t need a scripture because its something that you live through every single day. I’m sure you can attest to the fact that you are more happy when your relationships are in order. I’m more happy when I am getting along with the people I work with. I’m more happy when my wife is not mad at me. I’m more happy when me and my friends at school are getting along. I’m more happy when I can show up to church and sit anywhere and serve in any ministry because I don’t have tension with anybody. Resolving conflict is important because it will impact your happiness.

What is the Cause of Unresolved Conflict?

i. (Relationships are more important than worship – i.e. arguments on the morning of worship)

ii. Time doesn’t heal anything. If it did we wouldn’t need to go to the doctor. We would just stay in the waiting room.

iii. Fear of vulnerability ()

1. Defensive, Distancing, Demanding

What is the Cause of Conflict?

The main cause of unresolved conflict is selfishness.

says:

James 4:1–2 NIV

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

James 4:1 NKJV

1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?

James 4:1

James 4:1–2 NRSV

1 Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come from? Do they not come from your cravings that are at war within you? 2 You want something and do not have it; so you commit murder. And you covet something and cannot obtain it; so you engage in disputes and conflicts. You do not have, because you do not ask.

James 4:

In other words, I want what I want and when I don’t get what I want, it’s going to be a problem. You may ask “Well what about what I want?” I can respond and say “Nevermind about what you want. This ain’t about you.” You can respond and say “Well this ain’t about you either.” Selfishness is at the root of every relational conflict you have been in. Somebody was only thinking about themselves.

James 3:14–16 NKJV

14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.

James 3:14–16 NRSV

14 But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not be boastful and false to the truth. 15 Such wisdom does not come down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, devilish. 16 For where there is envy and selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind.

How many people would say that they’re selfish? No don’t put your hands up. I don’t want to tempt anyone to lie. Truth is that we all have a little selfishness inside of us. I’m very selfish! However, I didn’t know I was until I got married. It’s what I love about marriage. I see it as part of God’s sanctification process in my life. Because I didn’t know how selfish I was until I share my life with someone else. Thank you baby for letting God speak through you (may elaborate at 11…dishes need to be washed). I didn’t even think I was selfish, but most selfish people don’t know their selfish and they hate to be called selfish (speaking to myself). And just to help some people out, don’t put selfishness in the box of just financial giving. I’ll give in a heartbeat. It is selfishness in places outside of financial giving, the places in which we don’t normally see or think about, that are the most dangerous.

James 3:

And before you be quick to say I’m never the selfish one in my relationships let me see if I can enlighten you:

You know you are selfish when…

Let me see if I can help.

You know you are selfish when…

Mom and Dad have put food on your table, clothes on your back, pick you up from school and if you don’t get the Christmas present you want, you got the nerve to be mad.

When someone in the house has labored in making you dinner, but you won’t ever get in the kitchen and bust some dishes.

· You treat your job as just something to further your career rather as something where you can help build the company, build relationships, etc.

· When your mom (to the kids) or wife (to the husbands) has labored in making you dinner, but you won’t ever get in the kitchen and bust some dishes.

You are inside of a group that is trying to make a collective decision and when the group don’t decide to do what you want to do, you no longer want to be apart or you throw a hissy fit, ruining it for everyone else.

When you expect people to do things for you that you won’t do for them.

You always complaining about what you think the problem is and what’s wrong, but not be actively apart of the solution.

· You always complaining about what you think the problem is and what’s wrong, but not be actively apart of the solution.

If someone sits in your church seat or park in your parking spot, you get angry.

· God woke you up, gave you 24 hours and you won’t give Him at least 30 min. of your time because you are too busy.

When you make personal choices and never think about how those choices will impact somebody else.

· You have the truth of God’s Word, but you won’t share it with anyone.

· You want all the benefits that God can give you, but yet you won’t give Him your life.

Selfishness places your desires and pleasure above what’s best for everyone else. It’s all about me. It’s about how I feel. It’s all about what I want. It is in the DNA of our American culture, it is in our children, our communities, our schools, our jobs, our relationships, our marriages, and in our churches. Selfishness is the cause of every relational conflict.

Selfishness places your desires and pleasure above what’s best for everyone else. It’s all about me. It’s about how I feel. It’s all about what I want. It is what Paul wrote to Timothy when he said in the last days, people will be more lovers of their ownselves rather than lovers of God. It’s in our cultures, our children, communities, schools, jobs, relationships, marriages, and yes it’s even in the church.

So now that we understand why resolving conflict is important and what is the cause of it, what is one principle we can apply this week to resolve our relational conflicts?

One Principle To Apply This Week: You Go First

Here is my encouragement today. You be the first person to make a move to resolve the conflict at your job, in your friendships, in your family, in your marriages and with people at church. YOU GO FIRST.

You go first in humbling yourself.

You go first in letting go of your pride and selfishness.

You go first in letting go of your anger and your right to be right.

You go first in saying “Let’s sit down and talk.”

You go first in dealing with the relational conflicts in your life.

YOU GO FIRST!

And a lot of the times it is difficult to go first because we don’t think we have done anything wrong and we think it’s 100% the other person’s fault and so we fold our arms and say I’m going to wait until they come to talk to me. But if I can just have your ear for just a few more minutes, I’m hoping I can encourage you.

Look at .

1 John 4:19 NASB95

19 We love, because He first loved us.

I can go first with that person I have relational conflict with because God went first with me.

When Adam and Eve sinned and ate the forbidden fruit, it was 100% their fault, but God still goes first and he called Abraham so he could resolve the conflict between himself and humankind.

But Abraham was a liar and because he was 75 years old with a barren wife, he didn’t believe God could do what he said he could do without helping God out, so he slept with his wife’s young maidservant and impregnated her. Abraham and Sarah messed up, but God still goes first and he told Abraham and Sarah, this time next year, Sarah will give birth to a son and his name was Isaac.

But Isaac was a liar too. He got it from his daddy Abraham. But Isaac also played favorites with his wife Rebekah and it caused rivalry between his two twin boys, Esau and Jacob. Isaac and Rebekah messed up, but God still goes first and he ended up working with the youngest twin named Jacob.

But Jacob was a liar too. He got it from his daddy Isaac and his grandpa Abraham. But Jacob was also a thief for he stole his older twin brother’s blessing. Jacob messed up, but God still goes first and he allows Jacob to have twelve sons that end up becoming the twelve tribes of Israel.

And in the Book of Exodus, the second book of the Bible, the twelve tribes of Israel were enslaved in Egypt for around 430 years. God delivers them, and leads them to the Promised Land, but the Israelites are disobedient and begin to worship false gods, and by the end of the book of Malachi, the last book of the Old Testament, the Israelites are still messing up, but God still goes first and so He sends JESUS.

I don’t know about you, but I thank God that every time I have messed up, I’m thankful that God doesn’t just go off in a corner somewhere, fold his arms, and say I’ll wait until Brandon comes to me to apologize, but he is always willing to go first.

Jesus teaches us how to go first as humans. He had twelve close friends who were his disciples. One of them denied him three times, another one betrayed him and sold him out for some money and another one doubted him. But yet Jesus still goes first and he washes their feet.

There came a point and time when Jesus was to be crucified, and the Roman soldiers mocked him, spat on him, beat him, and stabbed him, but yet Jesus still goes first and says “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Jesus died on a Friday, but early Sunday morning he got up. But the story doesn’t end there. When the Jesus ascended to Heaven, the Holy Spirit came down. So now anyone who accepts Jesus as their Savior and Lord now has the power of the Holy Spirit to go first.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Adam and Eve, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Abraham and Sarah, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Isaac and Rebekah, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Jacob, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with the Israelites, you now have.

The same power that enabled Jesus to go first with Peter who denied him, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Judas who betrayed him, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with Thomas who doubted him, you now have.

The same power that enabled God to go first with the Roman Soldiers who killed him, you now have.

You now have the power to go first in resolving the relational conflicts in your life.

Power to go first in your marriage.

Power to go first in your friendships.

Power to go first in with the people at your job.

Power to go first with the people at church.

WE LOVE, BECAUSE GOD FIRST LOVED US. WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD FIRST LOVED US. WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD FIRST LOVED US.

I can love my spouse first, because God first loved me.

I can love my difficult teammate, because God first loved me.

I can love that family member because first loved me.

I can love that church member that gets on my nerves because first loved me.

WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD FIRST LOVED US!

YOU GO FIRST!

And when you go first resolving the relational conflict in your life, fellowship with God will be better, your prayer life will be better, worship will be better, and your happiness will be better. YOU GO FIRST!

And when you go first, fellowship with God will be better, your prayer life will be better, worship will be better, and your happiness will be better. YOU GO FIRST!

Related Media

Related Sermons