FIGHTING FAIRLY AND REDEEMING WRANGLING

FIGHTING FAIRLY AND REDEEMING WRANGLING Philippians 4:2-3 January  9, 2000 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] A pastor was talking to the pint-sized members of a second-grade Sunday School class, asking them about things that money can't buy.  "It can't buy laughter, and it can't buy love."  To drive this point home, he said, "What would you do if I offered you $1,000 not to love your mother?"  After a few moments of silence as the children mulled the thought over, one boy asked his own question, "How much would you give me to not love my big sister?" Even though we don't like to admit it, there are those you wouldn't even have to pay us to not like.  People we would, in our carnality, love to get back at.  I recently was emailed a copy of a letter that was actually printed in the New York Times.  It's a real letter. Dear Bank Manager:  I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty.  This incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.  You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.  No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.  I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.  To this end, please be advised of the following changes: First, I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.   You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an "Application for Contact Status," which I require your chosen employee to complete.   I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is not alternative.  In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he or she must quote in all dealings with me.  (It is) modeled on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.   As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.  My authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.  By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1. to make an appointment to see me 2. to query a missing repayment 3. to make a general complaint or inquiry 4. to transfer the call to my living room in case I am there 5. to transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping 6. to transfer to my bathroom in case I am attending to nature 7. to transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home 8. to leave a message on my computer--to access my computer a password is required.  Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact. 9. to return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1-8 After accessing a connection, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.  While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost--a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.  Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back: First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.  This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.  Inquiries from your authorized contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.  Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.   My new phone service runs at .75 a minute, so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but, again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.  May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year.  Your humble client. Conflict is an inevitable part of life.  Wherever there are people, with their little foibles, their sinfulness and their idiosyncrasies, you will have one person rub another the wrong way.  And there is conflict.  We'd like to think there would be a difference in the church, but it is not true.  Though Christians are forgiven people, they are not yet perfect. In our text today at Philippians 4:1-3, Paul speaks to a situation of conflict--a church fight if you will.  Paul understood very well about conflict.   On one occasion he had an open and frank disagreement with the apostle Peter over a theological issue (Galatians 2:11-14).  On another occasion he had an argument with his good friend and co-minister Barnabas over a practical issue--whether or not to take John Mark along on a mission trip.  Barney said "Yes" and Paul said "No."  They parted ways, Barnabas taking John Mark, and Paul leaving in another direction with Silas.  Not seeing eye to eye always is not a new phenomenon, even among mature believers.  BUT, MATURE BELIEVERS RESOLVE THEIR DISAGREEMENTS AND COME TO A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY TO AGREE TO DISAGREE. Mature believers do not allow their interpersonal problems to fester and grow worse to the point that they interfere with the love and unity of the body of Christ. In the church at Philippi there were a couple of apparently influential women who were openly at odds with one another.  The apostle Paul has heard of it and writes to try to encourage the church to help them reconcile. I plead with Euodia and Synteche to agree with each other in the Lord.  Yes, and I ask you, "loyal yokefellow," help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Think along with me as we note a couple of observations about this situation. First of all, notice that these women were not the "trouble-making" sort. Paul describes them as women who used to work hard with him in the cause of the gospel.  The church at Philippi was started by a group of women (Acts 16:13-15).  By the riverside outside the city a wealthy woman named Lydia, along with other women there, were the first Philippians to become disciples. The early Philippian church met first in Lydia's home.  It could be that Euodia and Synteche were part of that first group.  Paul seems to indicate that they go back a ways.   Now, nearly a dozen years later, these dedicated women may have been deaconesses in the church.  Certainly they were leaders.  It is highly likely that groups like our cell groups met in their homes.  A quick word of encouragement--no matter how mature or ministry-experienced you are, you are never beyond getting your feelings hurt or getting into a conflict with others in the body of Christ.  Why is that?  A couple of reasons come to mind:  1) you and your partner-in-conflict are both committed servants of Jesus.  You want the best for the kingdom, and you honestly feel you are doing the right thing.  The other person feels the same way, though his/her approach is different.  You each have strong reasons for feeling better about your approach than the other's approach.   2) the devil is anxious to get his foot in the door of the church, and his primary target is in the realm of relationships--so he's always working overtime trying to drive wedges of suspicion and disagreement between believers, looking to create disunity and disharmony. A second observation is: this conflict has gone too far without finding resolution.   You know, of course, sometimes it's a good idea to wait before you try to help two people get over their disagreement.  Very often, it works itself out.  But when does a quarrel go too far?  A quick study of the nomenclature of a disagreement is in order: Phase one - disagreement starts with a misunderstanding (studies show that 90% of the time it has to do with miscommunication, and can be easily resolved if the parties involved are willing to try in love to fix it). Phase two - disagreement grows to the point of isolation.  This is when the two parties find it much more comfortable to avoid one another.  Once the two isolate themselves from one another, the problem escalates.  This is the point at which the problem of the twosome becomes the problem of the community.  Why?  Because... Phase three is where the conflict grows to the "talking" stage.  That is, each side, isolated and alone, begins to feel the need for company and justification, and they begin to talk with others (and it is always gossip), each side justifying herself to others who were not involved.  It is always wrong to talk to anyone other than the person you have conflict with.  Always deal with the one who can help you fix it.   It is also wrong (in fact, it is sin) to give an ear to someone who is venting like this.  As a believer, it is your obligation to NOT RECEIVE bad reports about others, but you are obligated to send the offended party back to the offender to seek reconciliation. Phase four - side-taking.  Others begin to decide who is right and who is wrong in a matter.  This is always wrong and dangerous, because you are usually only listening to one side or the other and fairness is impossible. Don't get involved in taking sides.   Always strive for reconciliation.  Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers." Phase five - division.  An all-out "Hatfield & McCoy" situation develops. The church is divided, people are needlessly wounded, the church's witness and outreach are compromised, and nothing good comes out of it. Paul knows this conflict has reached phase two and beyond, and he is writing belatedly to those in the body of Christ to urge them to do what they should have already been doing--helping these two servants of Christ to reconcile before it gets worse, growing into phases three, four and five. Third observation:  Notice who Paul says is responsible to correct the situation.   First he addresses the women themselves, saying, "I plead with Euodia, and I plead with Synteche to agree with each other..."  Usually, at about phase one and a half, the parties involved in a fight are justifying themselves, blaming the other person ("It's all their fault") and even passing the blame around to others.   In psychological terms this is called projecting. If you can successfully pass the blame or responsibility to someone or something else, you can try to ease the pain of your own conscience.  Paul cuts right across that game by telling each of the ladies (note the grammar) that they are responsible to get this thing cleared up. Secondly, he addresses the church.  This is a matter of interpretation concerning Paul's use of the term "loyal yokefellow."  This person is not further identified and his/her identify remains a mystery.  But there is reason to believe that the apostle is speaking to the church at large with the use of such terminology.    Just a line or two later he will call upon Clement "and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life" (whose names are in the book of life?  Every believer in Jesus Christ).  The whole letter to the Philippians has treated the church as a united group. At the very least, Paul is talking about the leadership of the church. Basically, Paul is saying it is high time (no it is "overdue) that the church leadership step in and do what they can to effect a reconciliation. Third, there is Clement.  We don't know anything about this man except he has a Roman name and he is a Philippian believer.  My guess is, he is someone who knows and loves the two women in question--someone whom they love and respect, someone they would likely listen to.  By the way, when you find yourself in a conflict, or someone who is trying to help in the resolution of a conflict, common sense and the Spirit of Christ demand that we look for someone whom both parties respect, and ask that person to come in and try to help the sparring people come to terms. Remember, there is an outline for reconciliation in the scriptures.  If you are offended, you go alone and personally, in a spirit of love and mutual forgiveness, to the offender.  Don't go, though, without first praying for the person.   Don't get help first--YOU fix it.  If that doesn't work, go and get two or three others to help you (not to justify you or to take your side--but to help you bring about a resolution of the conflict).  You are wise to pick someone who is known, loved and respected by the offender.  In fact, your crazy if you pick someone who irritates the other party!  Of course, if those avenues do not work, and sincere effort and prayer have been ongoing, take it to the larger church group for help.  In fact, this is the same thing Paul suggests, although the time for the first and second approaches had already passed. Let's close with a few words of encouragement about how to deal with conflict. 1. Don't overreact  Remember, conflict is a part of life.  It is not sin to be in a conflict.  Conflict may rise out of sin, but conflict is not a sin. Conflict is not the end of the world.  In fact, conflict is usually a good sign--it means people are in a close enough relationship that they can hurt each other.  It is not right that church relationships be so platonic and distant that we don't have enough relationship that we can wound one another by what we say or do. The church is a place of relationships that are growing in depth and beauty, and part of that process is going through conflict and conflict resolution. Listen to a highly respected Christian psychologist, Dr. Larry Crabb: Christians have only two options when it comes to forming relationships: either remain comfortably distant from the struggles and sinfulness in one another or open a can of worms.  When the first option is selected, church life goes on as usual--warm, polite, enjoyable, orthodox, occasionally disrupted by someone's terrible sin, but general irrelevant to central parts of people's lives.  When the second option is chosen, the group may at times seem more disruptive than helpful.  Some members will become dejected, wondering whatever happened to encouragement.  Others will be offended and change churches.  But the worms of self-protection and demandingness are let out of the can, when people get to know each other's hurts and disappointments, when issues that really matter are actually talked about, then there is the potential for life-changing fellowship. from the book, Inside Out This is the reason we are committed to cell group ministry.  The New Testament's teachings on the "one anothering" of real Christian fellowship simply will not allow us to tolerate a wimpy brand of superficiality.  That may be platonic friendship or fraternal bonding, but it is anything but real New Testament fellowship.   Every Christian needs to be among at least a few who really know him and can therefore really help him grow through conflict confrontation, encouragement and unconditional acceptance and love.  Do you want to be spiritually and emotionally healthy?  Get into a small group of fellow believers and begin to share your life with them until you develop conflict.  Then go through the awesome growth of conflict resolution.  Then, do you know what you have?  Christian fellowship as the lord intended it to be. How to deal with conflict?  First, don't overreact, saying something so naive as "this kind of thing has no place in the church!".  Second . . . 2. Stay committed to "truthing in love"  Always tell the truth as you understand it from scripture and the Holy Spirit.  If you're wrong, you'll find out and you can correct your wrong perception of truth.  But if you don't do the truth in the first place, you have robbed yourself of the chance to grow and you've robbed the rest of the body of Christ of your helpful input. But, the other half of this command at Ephesians 4:15 is "love."  You can tell the truth to someone and really hurt them.  But there is also a spiritually sensitive way to tell them that same truth and have them walk away thoroughly convinced you love them and want the best for them.   This is especially important in conflict resolution.  Don't rob your brothers and sisters in Christ of the potential growth they can experience.  Truthing in love always blesses in the long run, even if for the moment it stings. 3.  Help one another by "care-fronting" when necessary  Do your personal best in the power of the Holy Spirit to help bring conflict to a place  of resolution before it grows and festers into something divisive.  This is  especially true when you are personally involved in the conflict.  But it is also  true when people you know and love need you to step in to a role of  reconciler. 4. When confronting conflict always look for the best in people and  encourage them   What quarreling people don't need to hear is "How could  you get yourself into this kind of a mess?  Don't you love Jesus?"  They need  a kind and compassionate brother or sister to come alongside and identify with their hurt, but also to firmly encourage them to reconcile. 5. Stay with it until there is mutual forgiveness  No conflict is resolved unless there is expressed mutual forgiveness.  Both parties in a conflict must get to the place where they genuinely bless one another.  sometimes, unfortunately, it can only be one-sided, because one party is unwilling to resolve the issues.  In that case, let there be only one peace-maker and keep praying for mutual reconciliation. A woman took her children to a restaurant and her six-year old asked if he could say grace.  As they bowed he said, "God is great, God is good.  Let us thank Him for our food.  I would thank you even more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all. Amen!"  Along with the laughter of the other customers nearby, they heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream.  Well, I never!" Hearing the comment the boy burst into tears and asked his mother, "Did I do something wrong?  Is God mad at me?"  His mother gave him a hug and assured him. An elderly gentleman approached the table.   He winked at the boy and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a pretty great prayer."   "Really?" the boy asked.  Then the old man leaned in and in a stage whisper, said, "Too bad some people never ask God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is good of the soul sometimes.." Predictably, the mother ordered ice cream for the children after their dinner.  It was then that the six-year old did something his mother would never forget. He picked up his ice cream sundae and walked over and placed it in front of the sarcastic woman.   With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.  Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." Sometimes the resolution of a conflict can't come about, because one side is unwilling to receive the offer of reconciliation from the other.  God knows all about this dilemma.  He engineered a plan to bring estranged people back to Himself.  he sent His own Son, Jesus, to die in the place of sinful people, making it possible to return the their heavenly Father, even though they had sinned.  He gave His only Son to provide forgiveness for people who had rebelled against Him, because he wants to be reconciled with them.  Do you know when that reconciliation is complete?  Every time a sinful person lays down his guard of pride and says, "Thank you, God, that's exactly what I need --your forgiveness and a new relationship with you."  And it is that simple. If you are not right this moment in fellowship with God, he continues to hold out this offer for you.  Will you be willing to resolve this sin conflict by receiving salvation through Jesus?  Or will you be the stubborn second party who goes on frustrating the reconciliation process.  It's up to you. There is a closing word for the church as well.  We must always, in all circumstances, continue to be encouragers of one another into Christlikeness, whether we're dealing with conflict or sin or just everyday interaction.  It is one of the supreme qualities of the Christian life to encourage.   We never come quite so close to being like Jesus as when we are involved in forgiving, reconciling and encouraging. A physical education teacher received a letter from a former student.  he wanted the teacher to know the impact that he had made on his life.  the student told this teacher about the first day of class.  The class had to run a six hundred yard race, and the student did not want to do it.   after all, he always came in last in these things no matter how hard he ran.  But this class was different, even though he once again came in last.   "I remember you ran alongside of me that last hundred yards yelling, 'Good effort, Lou!  Great effort!  Absolutely magnificent!'," the student wrote.  "I felt like I had won the Olympic Gold Medal for the marathon." Lou became attached to his teacher because he was the first person who ever encouraged him.  The next year he went out for soccer.  "I would never have had the courage to do it if it had not been for your encouragement." That had been ten years before.  Lou told of how he went to college and studied journalism even though one of the instructors told him he had no writing ability.   "All through those four years I held your words in my mind," Lou wrote, "looking for possibilities and wondering often how you always managed to be so positive all the time."  He concluded his letter with this sentence:  five years ago I met Jesus, and I finally figured you out." Christian, what do you need to do today, this week, to be an encouragement to others in the body of Christ?  Of all things, the most important is to help in the work of resolving conflict.  Do your part to help those who are quarreling to come together--marriage partners, long-time friends, brothers in Christ.  Blessed are the peacemakers.  if you are involved in any kind of unresolved conflict, let me urge you in the name of Jesus to make it right today, before it goes any further.  Do business with the Lord today in this matter.  His Word says, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling  and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.   (Ephesians 4:31-32)                   [Back to Top]