MARRIAGE: DIVINE SYMBIOSIS

MARRIAGE: DIVINE SYMBIOSIS September 10,  2000 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory An American Indian was making a cultural presentation to the YMCA, and he was making introductions. He said, "My Indian name is Walking Deer. My wife and I have two children. Our daughter's name is Little Deer and we named our son Running Deer." A child in the audience asked, "What is your wife's name?" He said, "I call her, 'Yes, Deer'" A man named Richard Schwieterman wrote: "My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over. I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder into the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle. When I limped bleeding into the kitchen, my wife took one look at me and said, 'Are those your good pants?'" Somebody once said, "Marriage is like a warm bath-once you get used to it, it's not so hot." Isn't it true that after a little while we spouses tend to take the relationship a little for granted? Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" In a classroom survey, some children were asked, "How can a stranger tell if two people are married? Eight-year-old Derrick answered, "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." The children were also asked, "How do you decide whom to marry?" Alan, a ten-year-old, said, "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Kirsten, also ten, answered the question more philosophically: "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." This morning I'd like to speak to the issue of God's design for marriage. When the topic of marriage comes up for teaching, there is a choice to be made among three or four key passages in the scripture. There is, of course, the foundational Genesis teaching of Eve being created from Adam's side complete with the Lord's declaration "For this reason shall a man leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. And what God has joined together let no man tear asunder." Or there is the "household" passages, both in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3, which focus on the relationship between husband and wife. But I, I chose the road less traveled by. Turn with me to 1 Peter 3:1-7. "Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands, so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as  braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading  beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth  in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." One author suggested that when you preach on this text you should stand behind a brick wall for protection, while wearing a flack jacket and a helmet. The language in this text seems at first glance to be anything but sensitive to the issues in our culture raised by activists for women's rights. But there are three things I would like us to keep in mind: 1) This is God's Word, and any argument you might have about the content can and should be taken up with Him; 2) this scriptural letter was written to a first century audience with their unique culture and needs in mind-and it is the job of any teacher to interpret the principles of the text and apply it to the contemporary culture and needs; and 3) I've found that, usually, when I am at first offended by a Bible text, it's because I have something very important to learn from that scripture and I am easily offended precisely because there is something wrong in my thinking and behavior that my sinful nature wants to hang on to. Our only true and reliable source of wisdom is the Word of God-not our feelings, prejudices and cultural drift. Recently one of the springs to my garage door broke. I dutifully went to Sears, bought a new one, and then carefully replaced it, using the other good spring as a guide. I tried it out, and it worked quite well. I was momentarily happy with my work, but a couple days later the door started jamming and wouldn't close without manual help. Of course the whole idea behind an electric garage door is to save you from having to go and manual close the door. Finally out of frustration I checked the owner's manual. Sure enough, there in bold print in the "repair" section it said, "never replace just one spring as tension f the springs will be different and the door will tend to jam. Always replace both springs when one malfunctions." Manufacturer's instructions. What do you do when your marriage needs adjustment? Check the owner's manual. See what's gone wrong and fix it according to manufacturer's instructions. Too many throw out the marriage and get a new one. This is not the will of God. With all sensitivity to those who among us who have been divorced, I am under orders to speak the truth that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). To those who have gone through the pain of divorce, for whatever justifiable reasons, let me make it clear, God does forgive and heal. But, for the sake of those who have yet to marry, let me make THIS clear-it is not to be entered into lightly or tentatively. Despite what our culture says around us, divorce is not the answer to marriage problems. Like Adrian Rogers says, "Marriage is like a guitar. Just because the strings go out of tune doesn't mean you stop playing!" Is it time for a tune-up in your marriage? Follow along with me for the next few minutes as we uncover the will our Maker concerning marriage. My two-word definition of marriage is a "divine symbiosis." In Webster's Dictionary the word symbiosis is defined this way: "in biology, the living together of two dissimilar organisms in close association or union, especially where this is advantageous to both, as in the case of the fungus or algae which together form the lichen. Now, when it comes to husbands and wives, I'll let you decide which is the fungus and which is the algae. The point is, God wants to bless and benefit both partners in marriage THROUGH THE OTHER PARTNER. "Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands…" In the Bible, "submissive" means this: acknowledging the sovereignty of God and respecting His delegated authority. A submissive person is one who says, "God is King; Jesus is Lord." Do you know who is commanded to be submissive in the scriptures? Everyone (Ephesians 5:21). A submissive person acknowledges that God has the right to rule over us, BUT ALSO that he has the right to delegate that authority to other human beings. There are really three spheres of this delegated authority in our world.. One is government. We are commanded by God to respect our President, not only by our Constitution, but also by God's Word. (But doesn't He know what Bill Clinton has done? Of course He does, and Bill will answer to Him, but in His great and mysterious plan He has allowed six years of Clinton leadership in the White House.) The governor, teachers, policemen-not because they are perfect, but because they are God's delegated authority to keep order, peace and prosperity in our world. The second sphere of delegated authority is the church. Jesus delegated "authority" to his church in this world-the authority to forgive sins, the authority to bind and loose Satan and his spiritual victims, and the authority to speak the truth into errant and rebellious systems in this world. Also, within the church, God handed out delegated authority. We are to respect teachers, elders and other overseers in the church-not because these people are perfect, but because they have been delegated authority by God. The third sphere of delegated authority God established in the home. God delegated authority to parents, saying that children are to be obedient and respectful to their parents. Even though parents aren't perfect, God says this is the right order of things-children are to respect their parents' authority. In marriage God has delegated that the husband should be the leader in the home (not the dictator, but the spiritual leader). This often creates a lot of resistance in our minds, but may I suggest that that very resistance betrays a spirit of non-submission-not non-submission toward husbands, non-submission toward God, because it is He who delegated that authority. In Branson, we pulled into the parking lot at Brashler Family Theater. Billy Mathews was driving and the rest of us were in his van. The man in the funny vest with the flashlight in his hand pointed the direction for us to go to find a parking space. Now, right in front of the theater were a couple of very nice parking spaces that suited us just fine. This guy directing the parking was a retired man, maybe making $6-7 per hour. Why didn't Billy just say, "Look I'd rather park up front here, so move out of the way. I'm a Lt Col in the US Army and I outrank you." Well, the truth is that, in that man's sphere of influence, Billy did not outrank the man in the orange vest. He had delegated authority from the owner of the theater in whose lot we wanted to park. We show our respect for God by being respectful and obedient to his delegated authority. Any time you encounter a rebellious attitude toward any clearly delegated authority where the will of God is not being violated, whether in yourself or someone else, mark it well, there is rebellion against God. Notice the phrase "in the same way" there in verse one. That is referring back to the content of chapter two as the primary example of submission to authority. Do you know what the last half of chapter two is talking about? It's all about Jesus who, in the face of unjust treatment from human authorities, even though He was the Son of God, did not "retaliate" or "make threats"-rather He willfully submitted Himself to those who would put Him to death. But, look at the real key to the issue in verse 23 of chapter two. "…He entrusted himself to him who judges justly…" What does that mean? It means that even though Jesus honestly admitted in the Garden that it didn't seem right or easy, He was willing to trust God in the whole matter. The submissive spirit in Jesus Christ was not degrading. In fact, Philippians 2 says it was His glory. When you are submissive to God's delegated authority, it is your glory as a Christ follower. By the way, notice that the next time the phrase "in the same way" shows up is in 3:7 where it says, "Husbands, IN THE SAME WAY, be considerate as you live with your wives…and treat them with respect…" Why did God delegate authority in the home? 1. For orderliness in the home. Any time you get a group of people together, there is the need for a leader with delegated authority. In the military, sergeants have authority over privates so the military can function in an orderly way. In the workplace, supervisors have delegated authority over certain groups of employees, for the sake of ORDER. Over that company there is a president who has authority over the supervisors. In the cockpit of an airplane there are two people, a pilot and a co-pilot. Both fly the plane, but if an emergency decision has to be made, the leader is the pilot. When two people ride the same horse, one of them has to ride up front. God knows that the orderly function of the home requires that one be the leader. He chose the husband. 2. For salvation to visit that home. The second half of verse one says, "…so that if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." There were women in the first century church whose husbands were not Christ-followers. They didn't attend church worship meetings with them, or at least didn't share the same intensity of faith as their wives did. (By the way, not getting into such an intolerable state of affairs is why the scriptures warn Christian youth to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.) If your spouse is an unbeliever, you try to coax and persuade them; you talk yourself blue in the face (and you've noticed they're getting a little blue in the face as well!). Peter says you will not win them over with this technique. Why? Because the husband is the leader in the home, even though spiritually he is not fulfilling that role, and it is unnatural that the leader be cajoled or pushed into such a decision. The man will inevitably interpret his wife's comment that she is praying for his salvation as either a put-down (at best) or (at worst) manipulation. The way to positively influence your husband toward Christ is to be still and cultivate a cooperative, loving and gentle spirit. Why? Because you're nothing more than a second-rate citizen in your house? No! Because you are a child of God in whom the Holy Spirit is building the character of Christ, and this strong, quiet witness is effective in influencing others for the gospel, especially husbands. 3. To honor the Lord. You always honor the Lord when you submit to His delegated authority in your life. I'm accountable to the other elders in this church. This past week they spoke into my life some things I didn't want to hear. And I had a choice-to heed their advice and thereby honor the Lord who put them in this place of authority, or I could reject their counsel and rebel against the Lord. I choose to accept it. Why? Because I'm a "yes man" or a wimp who can't make his own independent decisions? No, because I am recognizing Christ's authority in my life through His delegated authority. When a woman says, "No husband is going to tell me what to do!" she's betraying that she is not in sync with the servant heart of Jesus. The specific counsel Peter gives to these wives is to be beautiful for their husbands. Guys, we must admit it, we love it when our wives get all gussied up for us, don't we? It honors and blesses us. I remember when I waited at the altar for Charlotte to appear down the aisle on the arm of her dad. She stepped into view draped in that gorgeous white dress and that inimitable wide smile, and I was so overcome I nearly fainted. I've reflected on that feeling, which is the same feeling I get almost every time I see her (well, maybe not first thing in the morning). You know, that feeling is a combination of pride that here is my wife, so beautiful to me and admired by others; but also there is a sense of joy that rises in me that she would make the effort to make herself attractive to me. Peter says, though, that the true beauty isn't what is produced by make-up and hairstyle and clothes. True beauty that transcends physical beauty which, let's face it, will not last all that long, is the beauty of spirit. Peter says, "Focus on this beauty, and you will bless your husband and honor the Lord!" Now, a little hair spray and Mary Kay can't hurt! Let me encourage you wives. When you make yourself beautiful for your man, both inside and out, you build him up a lot. You are, in effect, saying that you respect him and you want to please him. If you want a good husband, be a good wife. Ask the Lord for the wisdom you need to show your husband the kind of respect and love that will make him an even better husband. Allow the lord to build in you His character and you will honor your Lord and your husband. "Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." Guys, the same is true for you-if you want a good wife, be a good husband. In fact, as I read Ephesians 5, it looks to me that the responsibility to initiate this reciprocal love-respect-and-submit relationship falls to us. The Word compares our relationship with our wives with the relationship between Christ and the church. I'll tell you, Jesus did not wait for people to love Him first, then respond by saving them from their sins. The Bible says that "while we were yet sinners," quite unlovable, Christ died for us. What does that say to men about initiating healthy loving relationship with their wives? What does it mean to "be considerate"? It means putting the interest and feelings of your spouse ahead of yourself. Men are, by nature, proud and self-centered. Being considerate of our wives means overcoming the sinful part of our natures and putting our wives' needs ahead of our stuff-our wives are to get primary care from us, before our other preoccupations--from work to relaxation, from cars to golf, from fishing to football (with the obvious exception of the Super Bowl…and the playoffs…and if your favorite team is the defending champion and the game is being televised locally!) Let me present four good reasons why men need to treat their wives considerately. 1. Because God said so. Now, c'mon, if that reasons is good enough for your kids (because I said so), it's good enough for us-because our Father said so, and He knows what's best for us. Let me add this thought, and guys, think about this: the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mother! 2. Because it helps to bring order to our homes. God created women in such a way that they want and need security. She deserves to know that her husband cares for her and will be there to provide love, protection and company. She needs to feel listened to and respected and important. One man complained to the marriage counselor, "All she does is talk, talk, talk, talk! And I'm so tired of her talking." "Well, what does she talk about?" "I don't know, she don't say!" Listen guys, a primary part of our role is to bless and help our wives to be fulfilled as persons. That will require our devotion to giving them time. 3. Because it meets our wives' need to feel loved. One time a few years ago Charlotte and I were out with several friends and as were we walking along with them in the mall, I just felt the need to reach out and take her by the hand. And we held hands for a lot of the evening. Later after we got home and took the babysitter home, I was sitting watching the late news. Charlotte snuck up behind me and kissed me on the back of the neck and said, "Do you know how that makes me feel when you hold my hand in public like that." No, but I found out, and I'm going to do it again. 4. To honor the Lord. When you treat your wife like Christ treats the church, however imperfectly you do it, you are honoring the Lord. Here's what honors the Lord-when people look at your Christian marriage and say, "So that's how it's supposed to be!" "So that's what God can do in a couple's relationship!" "I believe I'd like that for my wife and me. And that's what I'd like to model for my kids." In the last place, let's look for a moment at what Peter means when he says to treat your wife "with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the precious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." The text does not say that a wife is the "weak partner," rather she is the weaker partner. We're both weak. And Peter is not talking about intellectual or spiritual weakness. He's referring physical weakness. I'm sure I could win in a wrestling match with my wife-unless I broke her fingernail, and she got really mad at me! Let me show you two items I bought with me. The first is a little doll. It's made of plastic and fabric and a few beans in her belly to make her cuddly. This doll is tough and it costs about $4. I can drop this doll and treat it roughly, and there's no problem. The other item I have is a Precious Moments collectible. This is likewise cute, but its value runs around $30 and you'd better believe I'm not going to be dropping it or throwing it around. It could easily break. You know, men can be rough with each other-we're fairly resilient. We can slug each other in jest and it's okay. We can say, "Hey, you've gained a few pounds, haven't you? We just sluff it off. But if you say that to your wife you'll quickly discover she's made of different stuff. This is precisely what Peter means when he says she's the weaker vessel and deserves more respect. She is valuable and more fragile and deserves to be treated with more tenderness and care. She is not going to be satisfied with handshake and a couple of jokes. She needs and deserves to have you share with her a your soul. Men, pray and ask the Lord for practical wisdom on how to treat your wives in such a way that you bless and encourage them. Add to that, Peter says, your wife is a child of God and heir to the promise of eternal life in heaven in exactly the same way you are. What that means is we both came to favor with God in exactly the same way-by admitting we were sinners in need of His forgiveness and grace. WEDDING VOWS I, (husband's name), - take you, (wife's name), - to be my wedded wife, - to have and to hold - from this day forward. - I promise to be to you - a loving Christian husband, - in plenty and in want, - in sickness and in health, - in joy and in sorrow, - for as long as we both live. I,  (wife's name), - take you,  (husband's name), - to be my wedded husband, - to have and to hold - from this day forward. - I promise to be to you - a loving Christian wife, - in plenty and in want, - in sickness and in health, - in joy and in sorrow, - for as long as we both live.   [Back to Top]