PARENTAL BOUNDARIES

PARENTAL BOUNDARIES Ephesians 6:1-4, Colossians 3:20-21 September 17,  2000 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory Fast becoming a popular word in counseling and psychology these days is the term "boundaries." In Christian circles the word got a big boost with the emergence of the hugely popular book with the title Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, co-authored by the popular Christian radio duo, Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In their book, these authors describe "boundaries" in this way: "Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership." They give some helpful examples of personal boundaries. SKIN is one boundary that defines physically who a person is-anything inside the skin is that person, and outside it is not. If someone "gets under your skin" they have somehow violated your space. WORDS, like "No" are boundaries because "No" is about something I will not allow to penetrate my boundaries. TRUTH is a boundary. When I tell the truth or don't tell the truth (or even "stretch" the truth) it helps define who I am. Living by scriptural truth defines a person who is committed to obeying God's Word. Issues of responsibility or ownership are areas of boundaries in our lives. When a person doesn't know whether it is appropriate to participate in an activity, or can't seem to say "no" to people who tend to control him, he has "boundary problems." On the other hand, someone who says "No" all the time, or never shares meaningful relationships with others suffer from boundary confusion in the other extreme. Just as landowners fence in sections of property to identify its parameters people must identify the parameters of their lives. A well-marked yard with a fence around it provides clear lines for determining whether something is within the yard or not. When it comes to children, it also limits their willful wandering. When kids are young we put them in cribs with high rails to keep them safely in the crib, and protected from falling out. Playpens are means for providing boundaries for children. Fenced in yards do the same when they are a little older. Those physical boundaries give way to spoken boundaries like, "Stay in the yard" and "Don't ride your bike out of our neighborhood" or "Be home by supper time" or "9:45 is bedtime." There are even more critical kinds of boundaries that parents are responsible to give their kids: "Your body is your own and other people do not get permission to touch you in inappropriate ways." "You are never to accept gifts or rides from strangers." Boundaries are set in the lives of children by their parents in order to help keep the good and nurturing things IN and the not-so-good, harmful things OUT of their lives. The ultimate goal of the parents is to TRAIN the child to set his/her own boundaries as they approach adulthood, when their safety and well being become their own responsibility. Watching the Discovery Channel a few weeks ago, I enjoyed a program on lions. When a lioness mom sees one of her young cubs straying too far from her family, she roars a certain sound, which tells the little one "You get back here right now, or you're going to be in trouble!" This is the way God designed parental job descriptions. Because it is a divine order of the way things should go, children seem to be wired to NEED boundaries imposed on them. Boundaries are really life regulations and spiritual direction in their lives. The parent's job is to move the child from immature to mature, from having good rules and guidelines imposed on him to the point that he beings to impose good rules and guidelines on himself. Someone said the process of growing up can be simply summarized in four stages: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. Because this whole thing of needing to learn good boundaries from their parents is God's idea, kids instinctively know they need to receive instruction from their parents. They also learn very early on how to relate to their elders, both in and outside the family-they even learn a few tricks of the trade. Here are a few rules. My source calls these KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE • "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11 • "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." Heather, age 16 • "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." -Lamar, age 10 • "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 • "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 • "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12 • "Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." -Andrew, Age 9 • "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9 • "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12 • "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." -Phillip, age 13 • "Never bug a pregnant mom." -Nicholas, age 11 • "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." -Matthew, age 12 • "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." -Molly, age 11 The teaching from our biblical texts underscore this awesome responsibility of parents to "bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord," and while doing it, avoid being overly "harsh with them" or exasperating them with your heavy-handedness or nagging or brutality. That calls for a good deal of balance, doesn't it? Actually, these are parental boundary issues. You see, the general idea is: first you learn good boundaries, THEN you teach your children to learn good boundaries. It's hard to teach what you haven't learned. And problems compound when one generation of parents fail to bring their children up in a healthy way, because they grow up to be parents who have no idea how to bring up their children in healthy ways. It doesn't take long to populate an entire culture with no healthy boundaries and no idea of God's design for living. Of course, the text also mentions the child's part of the whole deal-"OBEY your parents in the Lord." Why? Very simply, "because this is right!" In addition, if you obey them, "it will go well with you & you'll enjoy long life." I'm under no delusion that there is any way to adequately cover the topic of child rearing in a single sermon_09_17. But for the next few minutes let's at least find some basic operating instructions on this parenting role which most of us will find ourselves in for at least 18 years of our lives. The rest of us here, who will not be parents, can also benefit from this teaching by re-discovering what your parents did right for you that you can be thankful for, or what they failed to do right for which you may seek and find healing from the Lord. Others here have passed their child rearing days, but can reinforce their understanding of the great role of parenting, because, frankly, there are some things a kid will receive from a grandparent they can't receive from a parent. Besides, your children who find themselves parents now are far more ready to heed your parenting advice now than they were a few years ago. There is so much for all of us to learn from the white-haired ones around us among us. Let's not ignore them. As Job said, "Is not wisdom found among the aged?" (12:12) Let me add another observation here, particularly appropriate to our cell ministry. Whether you are a parent or not, you need to learn the skills of helping the children around you. They are very observant little critters, and they are watching you as "another Christian adult" to see if you are serious about living for Jesus, or if it is all a joke really. The parents around you, in your cell group particularly, NEED you as a model of the faith for their kids, to reinforce their teaching in their kids' lives. If there is one thing Hilary Clinton got right in her best selling book, it was   the title (which is actually an ancient Asian proverb) "It takes a Village." There are, I believe three primary parental boundaries we need to keep in mind: DISCIPLINE, CONSEQUENCES AND FREEDOM. Discipline Normally our problem as parents is not knowing what boundaries to apply to our children. The difficult part is enforcing them. We can't be too lenient, yet rules without grace can be oppressive. On the other hand, if your rules are lax and the children know they can get away with breaking them, that's no good either. Generally, our boundaries need to be FLEXIBLE enough to let growth in our children happen, but FIRM enough that they learn what is truly important. The questions that plague the dedicated parent are endless: Does a two-year-old have a right to turn a routine shopping trip into a horror show? Should two elementary age brothers be allowed to "fight it out" to solve a dispute, or should a parent interfere Do you force your 8th grader to finish homework are allow her to learn the consequences when she goes to school the next day? How about your first-grader? Should your 15-year old be allowed to date? How far can you go in deciding who your teenager's friends will be without inciting rebellion? The word "discipline" literally means training that is expected to produce a certain kind of character. It isn't only punishment, it's also encouragement, teaching, modeling, as well as correcting. What you as a Christian parent are called to do in "discipling" (same word, folks!) your children, is to stamp into their character the things you know are godly. And to help them recognize and avoid those things which are not. Baseball star [Cal] Ripken searches for parenting tips. He says the sagest advice he ever received about dadhood came not from the usual child development experts but a former Orioles teammate named Tim Hulett, whom Ripken regards as "the best dad I've ever known." In one clubhouse conversation still etched in his memory, Ripken recalls Hulett observing, "Your little ones are a blank tape, constantly running and recording information. Whose information do you want on that tape? Yours or somebody else's?" [Ripkin's] ice-blue eyes lock in. "I want my information on that tape." This is godly thinking. We are called to influence our children with what God has taught us and what He is teaching us. This takes diligence and intentionally. We must be determined to set the Word of God in our hearts as the standard of right and wrong, or, believe me, the world will re-write our scripts. Parents simply can't be half-hearted about Christian training. There is a very real enemy out there-the Bible calls him the devil and says he is a roaring lion who wants to devour you and your kids. Therefore it is of paramount importance to disciple our children in the Word. How often is the scripture a topic of conversation in your home? Is the family Bible ever opened or is it only a religious decoration on the shelf? When topics of concern come up with your kids, when moral issues are discussed, is there prayer for godly wisdom, is there a searching of the Word for principled answers? If there isn't you are inviting an amoral, godless culture to define your child's standards. It's as if you called the devil in and said, "Would you please tell this child what is right and wrong?" Hebrews 5:14 teaches that the proper and obedient handling of the Word of God is for those who are maturing, "who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." So, what are some practical steps we take in setting Christian boundaries into the lives of our children? 1. Clearly communicate rules to your children. They cannot be expected to obey and trust rules they don't understand. Once I got a warning ticket for test-driving a car on which the salesman had put only one dealer plate. I thought, "That's not fair-it was his fault and I didn't even know that was a law!" Kids have an over-developed sense of fairness. Don't knowingly offend it. 2. Five or six major rules at a time are enough. When these are established and understood, it's time for a pow-wow with the child to set up new levels of rules. The point is, don't make your rules as complex and thick as the Air Force Regulations. You've got to make obedience as easy as you can. Creatively you can even make it fun. 3. Rules should include as many "do's" as "don'ts". DO rules are things that should be done (homework, room cleaning) DON'T rules include unacceptable behaviors (lying, stealing, verbal put-downs) 4. Rules should be consistent. Favoritism and capricious enforcement destroy kids' confidence in rules, and in you. Never play favorites. Here's a good idea-ask a good friend, another adult who knows you and your family well, to comment on how consistent they think your discipline is with your kids. Insist they be honest with you. You may open a very helpful door-you may see some things you have been blind to. In fact, it wouldn't hurt to turn to trusted Christian friends regularly for this kind of input.  When's the last time you said to another believer whom you trust, "Sam, do you see anything in my Christian walk that you think could use correction?" 5. Rules don't replace love and encouragement. Catherine the Great, the empress of Russia said, "I praise loudly, I blame softly." Kids are people, and they deserve respectful treatment. If you are of the opinion that kids are just excess baggage and "kids should be seen and not heard," then you are behaving in a way that is anything but Christian. You are doing exactly what Ephesians 6:4 says not to do. You are "exasperating your children." Worse yet, you are raising future exasperaters. Never discipline your child without full explanation and an expression of love (hug, encouraging word). Make it a habit to find at least one thing to say to each child each day that encourages them. Try to never speak or act in anger. That says to a child "You're not good and you are unacceptable to me," when all you wanted to say is "That behavior is no good and is unacceptable to me." Your discipline of your child should apply LIGHT, not HEAT. Valerie Bell, in her book, Getting Out of Your Kids' Faces and Into Their Hearts, says, "There is room for passion in family life, but it must be passion for people. If we care deeply about anything, it must be for the ones in our care. We must guard against anything that would threaten healthy family relationships." Consequences I read the story of a boy who was watching a moth struggling to release itself form its cocoon. The boy couldn't bear to see the moth struggling so hard, so he got some scissors and clipped the edges of the cocoon to make it easier for the moth to get out. But, rather that having helped the moth, he actually damaged it. When it came out of the cocoon, it could not fly-its wings could not fully extend. Later the boy discovered that moths need to struggle hard in getting out of their cocoon because this hard work pumps a certain fluid into the wings which is necessary for them to be able to fly. God designed this last stage of metamorphosis to include an almost life-and-death struggle for freedom in order to prepare the moth for flight. Instead of helping the moth, the boy's interference killed it. Parents who help their children with their homework to the point of actually doing it themselves aren't helping their children. Dads who give their kids automobiles and credit cards and everything else they want without any responsibility of their own because "they're going to have it better than I did," are fools. Moms who bail their kids out of trouble rather than letting them face the consequences of their actions are killing them. These days, if a school teacher disciplines a child for wrong behavior, often the parent's first thought is not to be thankful for the character formation that could result and how they could reinforce the discipline; but it's, "Well, I'll show them. I'll call my lawyer and threaten a lawsuit!" We ought to celebrate rule enforcement anywhere we find it. It is teaching our children a most important lesson: when you defy law you pay the consequences. You see, if they don't learn it in the classroom and the home today, they'll learn it in a jail cell tomorrow. Worse than that-they may never learn it! Parents must never criticize another authority figure in their child's life, because it teaches the child to blame others for their failure. And that is anything but good character development, and they'll never learn to fly on their own. Earl Palmer said, "We must prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child." Someone asked a farmer after a particularly dry spring how the hard weather was on his crops. He responded, "Actually the dry weather has been good for the plants in many ways. If they have too much rain, their roots may stay only on the surface. But the dryness causes the roots to go down deeper to find moisture. In the end, the plants that have not had it so easy in the beginning fare better because their deep root system allows them to withstand storms later on." When children have everything done for them and everything given to them, they do not develop deep roots of character. They never have the opportunity to learn from failure. They never get to appreciate the reward of personal achievement that comes through the struggle. They don't learn to fend for themselves, and later, when mom and dad can't be there to bail them out, they don't know how to handle pain and adversity. Rather than thanking their parents for coddling them and bailing them out, they will end up resenting them. Everyone is worried about self-esteem for their children. The best way to build self-esteem in your child is this paradoxical advice: let them fail and feel the consequences of their failure. By the way, doting parents find it terribly hard to let go of their children. While teaching their children bad habits of dependence on them, they have also developed a destructive habit of feeling needed. When it's time for the kid to leave home and fly on his own, mom and dad suddenly feel unnecessary, and they're miserable. Add to that, the resentful child hardly ever calls or visits. About the time that two spouses need to re-kindle their empty nest relationship with each other, they're feeling terrible about themselves and have nothing left to give each other. Freedom The healthy home prepares the children and the parents to move beyond the boundaries of childhood. Do you parents remember the first day your child went off to kindergarten-how lonely and even useless you suddenly felt? Multiply that times a hundred thousand and you'll have an idea of how the empty nest can feel when they take off for college, get married and start a life of their own. But you can (and must) build a hedge against such misery. Here are some practical suggestions for parents: 1. Early on, get into the habit of reminding yourself of the biblical truth that these kids are people you have on loan from God for a limited time, that you can train them and prepare them for life as adults. 2. Practice letting go of them. Grant increasing freedom to them, as you see they can handle it. And in your own heart learn to celebrate their new levels of freedom, thus reminding yourself that you will not always have them. 3. Tell them they are God's children. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you love them, they are precious to you and you want the very best for them, but assure them that the very best for them will only come as they realize they are responsible to God. ILUS with James Dobson's letter from his father. 4. Learn to depend on God, and not on your children (or your spouse), for your affirmation and self-esteem. You see, if your sense of self-worth is all wrapped up in being a parent and you ultimately will have to let your kids go, this is a recipe for personal disaster. You're either going to become a very miserable and lonely person or you're going to have to have babies the rest of your life. God is your source, not your children. If anything or anyone else is your source of fulfillment, you're caught up in idolatry. Writer Polly Berends in her book Gently Lead, says, "A child needs to be hugged and unhugged. The hug lets her know she is valuable. The unhug lets he know that she is viable." Ironically, if you are always shoving your child away, he will cling to you. And if you are always clinging to your child, he will forever be breaking away. Learn the lesson that birds know by instinct. Your little ones need much tender love and care while they are young, but they also need to learn to leave the nest and fly when they're older. Conclusion Healthy boundaries of discipline and consequences and freedom are like fences. They give our children definition, character, enough security to feel safe, and enough security to fly on their own. One last thought. The most important role you play as a parent is your demonstration of what a healthy Christian adult looks and acts like. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that little things can be the special things in life. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in God. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. • When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, • "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.     [Back to Top]