FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES: HABIT #1 - TRUTHING IN LOVE

FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES: HABIT #1 - TRUTHING IN LOVE Ephesians 4:15, 25 September 2,  2001 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory Harvard's Alan Dershowitz in ABA Journal "On the basis of my academic and professional experience, I believe that no felony is committed more frequently in this country than…perjury and false statements." Recent (2000) survey of state and federal judges, found most of them agreeing that, increasingly, "lawyers appearing before them are bending the truth, not telling the whole truth, or just plain lying. Lying is epidemic; truth is scarce. In The Day America Told the Truth, research showed 91%of Americans lie routinely 86% lie regularly to parents, 75% lie to friends, 73% to siblings, 69% to spouses, 81% lie about feelings, 49% about income, 40% about sex… Little typifies the extent to which we have accommodated lying in our culture like the Clinton Lewinsky debacle David Neff was interviewed by the British program "The Moral Maze" whose first comment over transatlantic telephone was this caustic question: "Is your President a liar?" Neff said later he wished he'd had the presence of mind to say "that all depends on what your definition of IS is." He explained that Americans had plenty of evidence that Clinton frequently did not tell the truth, but they elected him anyway because his charm inspired their confidence. Neff said, "The American people did not want a moral leader as much as they wanted a leader they could identify with." Yes, America has displaced Burger King as the "home of the Whopper." In 1992 Supreme Court Justices O'Connnor, Souter and Kennedy made this statement (majority decision in Planned Parenthood vs. Casey): "At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of meaning, of the universe and of the mystery of human life." On basis of this kind of thinking, the court reaffirmed it was the right of a woman to kill a child living in her womb. Note the reason behind the decision - each person has the right to determine what truth is concerning the value of another's life! In other words, if a certain belief helps you, use it to your advantage. If your version of truth will lower your stress, make life a little easier for you or help you love yourself more, go for it! Truth is RELATIVE. This is a LIE. Proverbs 6:16 - six things the Lord HATES, and the second one on the list is A LYING TONGUE. Proverbs 12:22 The Lord detests lying lips Hosea 4:2 the Lord denunciated his people , saying "there is only cursing lying and murder, stealing and adultery; they break all bounds and bloodshed follows bloodshed" His harshest judgment is aimed at the false prophets because they lied. Of the 144,000, the fully redeemed people of God, it is said, Rev 14:5 -  "No lie was found in their mouths; they are blameless." Col. 3:9 - "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" Bible says all who lie are taking cues from the Father of lies, devil. All paths lead to God (you can get to God however you want) Your are inherently GOOD (sin and guilt are illusions left over from oppressive religionists Happiness in this life is all that matters, divine justice joke No Hell; Heaven (?) is where everyone goes unconditionally Jesus=good man, but neither divine or savior No objective truth - truth is whatever you call it Expressing yourself is what real spirituality is, real humanity These lies are overt tactics of the enemy of our souls in his desperate attempt to discredit the truth in scripture     One author put it well: "The road to spiritual and emotional health is through gazing open-eyed at the real truth in our lives (God's truth, not truth subjectively defined), and the result is freedom to be what we were meant to be." 2 Timothy 3:16-17 - "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work"     It isn't what we decide is truth that is real truth. It is what God says is true that is truth. Thomas Aquinas: "Human salvation demands the DIVINE DISCLOSURE of truths that surpass reason." Dr. Chris Thurman, in The Lies We Believe: "Put succinctly, we can know we have found truth when we see reality without frills, unvarnished. To get to this unvarnished reality, we must rely on god as the ultimate source of truth in our lives. We can't rely on what feels true, what someone else tells us is true, or what our favorite speaker or author says is true. These reliance's leave the door open for our own pathology…our own self-centeredness, ignorance and defensiveness to enter in and turn lies into destructive 'truths'" If you wanted to know what the best buy was in economy-class automobiles, would you ask the commissioned salesman down at Meyer Honda? If you wanted to write a book on childhood, would you turn to children as your experts? If you were writing a book on maturity, would you quote a 13-year old? Simply put, we don't know the whole truth-only God does. Others who say they know are either ignorant or deluded, or trying to bamboozle you for their own gain. We need a voice from outside, from above humanity; we need the divine word on truth. Carl Jung put it this way: "Are we related to something infinite or not? That is the telling question of life." Ephesians 4:25, 4:25 Here we arrive at the very practical level of truth. "Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Paul makes it clear that lying destroys community. Remember the first time your son or daughter told you a lie? How that began to put everything on edge? How suddenly nothing at all could be completely trusted? In the horrible circumstances surrounding an extra-marital affair, how often I have heard the offended spouse say, "There were so many lies! I was such a fool to not see what was going on!" And then the devastating indictment, "I don't know if I can ever trust anything he says again." Have you ever discovered that a trusted friend lied to you? How did you feel? How do you feel when a government or church official is caught in a lie? The feelings of disappointment and betrayal are almost overwhelming. This is exactly what Paul says must not enter into the fellowship of the church, or into the fellowship of the family. In all things, TELL THE TRUTH. In the context of teaching about the "maturity" of the body of Christ, Paul says, "Instead [of following the course of deceitful scheming people] speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." The word used by Paul there which we translate as "speaking the truth" really refers to all of what we do, beyond just our speech. It translates well, though awkwardly as "doing the truth in love" or "truthing in love." Notice how he relates the whole issue of truthing to maturity? Lying is immature and inappropriate Christian behavior. That's why in verse 25 he says, "Therefore…put off falsehood and speak truthfully…" In Colossians 3:9, the same sentiment: "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self…" Paul's teaching is this - in God we find the truth, and once we are God-related, we deal only in truth. Truth is the map to real maturity and it is the glue of real community. Deception is always the method of Satan; and it is NEVER God's method. Why do we lie? How is it that Satan can so easily tempt us to use deception? 1. we don't like pain and we lie to avoid it. We don't want a ticket, so we insist the radar gun is wrong To avoid the pain of a lower grade we lie about why the term paper isn't turned in on time (dog at it-coaxed him for an hour!) One professor said one of his students had 4 grandfathers die in 1 semester To sidestep financial pain we lie on our tax returns Lying looks like an easy way out. But almost always the pain we are trying to avoid would be good for us, helping us to mature 2. we want to look better than we are (pride) Mormon Tabernacle at Salt Lake City-no marble and oak, so hired expert craftsmen to paint the pine to look like marble and regrained the pine to look like oak beams. To untrained eye, most impressive, but it is a façade, a lie, a cover-up. Spiritually, too-claim to believe in the Jesus portrayed in scripture, but their teachings are just marble & oak make-up plastered over cultic pseudo Christology. Literally millions of young ladies in our culture, in an effort to look pretty and healthy, destroy themselves physically through anorexia and bulimia, and under the emaciated façade they're under-going a slow suicide-lying and dying. (real lie is 'I must look good…') 3. we lie to justify ourselves One beautiful fall day, four 16-yr old girls decided to go for a drive instead of showing up for class on time. When they did arrive, the girls explained to the teacher they had had a flat tire. The teacher accepted the excuse, much to the girls' relief. "Since you missed this morning's quiz, you must take it now," she said. "Please sit in the four corner seats in this room without talking." When they were seated, the teacher said, "On your paper write the answer to one question: 'Which tire was flat?'" "Oh what a tangled web we weave…" (Ben Franklin) 4. we lie to manipulate others for our own benefit Peanuts cartoon, first day of new school year. Teacher-write essay about returning to class. Lucy "Vacations are nice, but it's good to get back to school. There is nothing more satisfying or challenging than education, and I look forward to a year of expanding knowledge." Teacher pleased. Lucy whispers to Charlie: "After awhile, you learn what sells." Old story about a woman on her way home from work. Stopped at corner butcher shop to by chicken for supper. The butcher reached into a barrel, grabbed the last chicken and laid it on the scales behind the counter and told her the weight. She needed more than that, so she said, "Do you have any larger ones?" The butcher put the only chicken he had back in the barrel and groped around like he was looking for a bigger one, pulled the same chicken out, put it on the scales and said, "There, this one weighs a full pound more." The woman thought it over, then said, "OK, I'll take them both!" 5. When we use deception (outright lies, exaggerations, withhold entire truth) it is often an unhealthy expression of inner hostility. If this is where you are, get healed. Ever wonder how some people can just lie through their teeth and never even think they're doing wrong? Well, compulsive liars and pathological liars almost always begin their deceptive practices because they have deep-seated anger, and that anger begins to work its way out in passive-aggressive ways (deception is the hallmark of passive aggressive behavior). This kind of deception takes different forms: Sarcasm is untruthful - "don't really mean it". But I am misrepresenting some feeling that I should share honestly (at another time). Gossip is also deception (not truthing in love), unredemptive behavior that always encourages exaggeration . All the reasons we lie are dishonorable, self-serving and hurtful to others. Lying is never right, never. As God's children, we are under His directive to not use the methods of Satan to try to better ourselves Two reasons: 1) lying is never the will of God, and 2) lying never benefits us in the long run Not even white lies? What if you are just trying to spare someone hurtful feelings? Say, for example, a very sensitive friend calls you (again) for some counsel, and says, "I hope I'm not calling you too often. But I just need a friend. You don't mind, do you?" Natural response: "No-hey, what are friends for?" LIE: it seems like you're doing yourself a favor by not risking fragile friendship, and doing her a favor by not hurting her feelings. But, in fact, you are hurting yourself, allowing pent-up feelings of frustration and resentment to build up in you without the healthy release you should get through an honest response. And you're hurting your friend because, sensitive or not, she needs to grow past her dependency patterns and learn to stop using up her friends. Creative, loving response (truth & love): "You know, I would like to talk about that subject. I have had the feeling lately that your calls are becoming more frequent, and often it is inconvenient for me. I apologize for not letting you know when you called before. But since you asked, I want to share my concern that I feel you are depending too much on me and not enough on God. I want you to know that I love you and value our friendship, and I want it to continue and be healthy in the Lord. Let me encourage you to take your feelings to the Lord in prayer when they come up, and seek His answers as the Bible instructs us. As your friend, I will be available to you, but on a somewhat less frequent basis. I honestly feel it would be better for me and for you. Does this make sense to you? Creative, sensitive, honest, loving… Paul tells the community of Christians that healthy body life is only possible through "truthing in love", and this requires risk. All healthy relationships do. Step out in faith, not just personal courage (faith acts on God's promises; personal courage is often carnal) Applications 1) Learn to love Truth and hate lying. How? Exposure to the truth-time in the Word, meaning-ful dialogue with other believers who share this biblical value. Talk about this in your cell group this week. Covenant with one another to always do the truth in love and to lovingly oppose all deceptive behavior, including gossip and sarcasm. 2) Trust God with the outcome of truth. It is Satan's method to lie-it is never God's method. So practice truthing in love in your relationships, and know this: when you do right God will honor the results. In God, the truth is never going to hurt you, unless, of course it should! 3) Expect truth from others in family and church Let them know by your openness, example and your game-breaking honesty. This is healthy community and builds healthy families. Truthing makes life simpler and more peaceful. If you practice deception, you always have to keep your stories straight, trying to remember what all you said to which person. De-complicate your life. No tangled webs. Obey God's word. Do the truth at all times. You will deal with your own pent-up frustrations in more healthy fashion. You can give up on pretense and facades (everyone knows you're a jerk anyway, because you've been honest with them). You'll find you don't need to always worry about measuring up. And, according to the Word, you will not only promote a healthier family around you, but you will also experience personal spiritual maturity! HUSBANDS: Talk, talk about your feelings (your wives NEED this from you and you need it too). We must take seriously our duty as husbands to love our wives (tell them honestly). We must take seriously our responsibility to raise our children with discipline AND without exasperating them. By the way, NOT showing affection for your kids is a "lie". You may say to yourself, "Of course I love my kids!" But if they don't know it by your expression, you have, in fact, lied to them! Truthing in love avoids withholding love to others. WIVES: Share your feelings with your husbands, not in "masked" ways. Don't use the deceptive measures of hiding issues with feigned headaches and other displaced behaviors that only complicate true communication. Do the truth in love. Let your children know when you are upset (and why) not with shouts, short temper, but with the gentle, honest exchange they deserve. Otherwise, they grow up feeling guilty, thinking they "always make mommy mad." KIDS: Don't lie to your parents to cover up a mistake or disobedience-you only make it worse. These people love you, and you will be amazed how much closer your relationship will be with honesty, and how much more trust and respect you'll receive. Save a dozen uncomfortable lies by telling the truth the first time. It will actually help you obey your parents in the Lord next time! PARENTS: Practice honesty with your children. Avoid sugarcoating life with over-protection (you are actually misrepresenting life to them), and avoid the practice of empty threats. "If you don't stop that, I'm going to ground you for three years!" And when you DO threaten punishment, follow-through as promised. Far from distancing you from them, appropriate promised discipline will build their trust in you as well as their security and their sense of justice and righteousness. Conclusion There are two big lies Satan has been perpetrating since Eden: 1. God is mean and vindictive, and His sole objective is to keep us from being happy and fulfilled. When we do wrong, He delights in making us pay. 2. God really doesn't care what we do (maybe He doesn't even know!) And if he does know, it's His job to just forgive and forget, so just trust His great big forgiving grandfather heart and do as you please, because it doesn't matter to Him anyway. 1 Peter 1:15-17-Judge and father. Just and forgiving. Truth and love. [Back to Top]