ANGER: TAMING THE TIGER

ANGER: TAMING THE TIGER Ephesians 4:15, Ephesians 4:25-27 February 25,  2001 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory Last Sunday we began a study on the topic of anger. When we do a topical study our goal is to draw principles from the scripture and apply them in a practical way to the issue. We were introduced to a profound passage in the book of Ephesians. "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." While we are looking at this text, I would like to "broaden" the teaching by including a couple other verses from the context. First, notice verse 31 of chapter 4 - that verse says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Each of these terms refers to behaviors that present in people when they have allowed anger to fester in their hearts. When Paul says to get rid of such destructive and malicious behaviors he is acknowledging the very danger that he alluded to in verse 27 when he said that prolonged anger allows the devil to get his talons into us and create deeper, angrier attitudes and behaviors. There is another related subject in Ephesians 4. I want to draw your attention to verse 15 in the previous paragraph. "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4;15) What I'd like us to see, right up front, is the connection between handling anger in a healthy and spiritual way and being honest. That is, acting in truth ("truthing", Paul says, literally), gives us a head start on dealing with our anger in a healthy and spiritual way. One reason I know that connection is valid is that Paul picks up the theme again in the verse immediately preceding the two verses on anger (26-27). Look at verse 25. "Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body," (Ephesians 4:25) Just to quickly review, we drew these inferences from the text of verses 26 and 27: • Anger is assumed (natural human emotion · You can sin when you are angry, but you don't have to • We are commanded to not sin when we become angry • Sinning while you are angry is somehow connected to allowing anger to remain in our hearts and minds too long • There is spiritual danger in prolonging anger, described as actually giving the devil a foothold in your life We defined anger in this way: "Anger is an emotion or passion directed toward self or others in response to a real or perceived wrongdoing." Anger is experienced (as most emotions are) by the whole person • Mental (soul, mind heart) • Physical (body) • Spiritual (spirit) As we closed last week we studied what we called the "critical juncture" of anger-that time when anger begins to move from emotion to expression. This is the point at which the Christian must be ready to turn to the Lord for direction and strength. How do we do that? • Give your angry feelings an "expiration date" • Handle your angry feelings in godly ways, not carnal ways And that's where we pick up today. We're going to look at the very practical "how to" of handling our angry feelings in godly ways. 1. Recognize your Anger Everybody gets angry (Jesus did: Mt. 21:12-13; Mk. 3:5). Angry feelings are not wrong-any more than a temptation is not wrong. It's what you do with it. Hold on to a temptation, enjoy it, flirt with it and it will get you. When you experience angry feelings the worst thing you can do is to go into denial. "I am convinced it is wrong for a Christian to be angry; I am a Christian; therefore, I am not angry." Or, the veiled veneer approach: "I am secretly feeling angry, but I know I'm not supposed to, so I will just act like I am not angry, and soon I will not be." A more religiously sinister form of this denial comes wrapped in a faith costume: "I think I am feeling angry, but in Jesus Name I am victorious over that emotion, and I bind Satan and his nasty tricks and cast him out." I am not suggesting that binding, loosing and deliverance is invalid-they are all valid-but if you cast Satan out, you missed the anger-the anger is in you! James 1:14 says we are tempted when, by our own evil desire, we are "dragged away and enticed." Satan is not in you making you hold onto your anger. You are deciding that all on your own. But when you do decide to hold onto the anger, that is precisely when the enemy gets a foothold. I would venture to say that the behaviors of bitterness, rage and malice are more the kind of thing that call for the binding and exorcism of Satan. The first step in dealing with anger in a healthy way is to recognize it. What are the warning signs that I might be angry? • I feel angry (duh!) Often that simple, but usually it "hides" • I find myself talking about others, especially "someone" in derogatory terms, or at least feeling annoyed or antagonistic toward them • I am acting weird (I fly into a rage about little things that I know I'm not that angry about, I am mean to those around me, I am feeling depressed and can't tell why, I am strangely withdrawn from people) • I am having physical symptoms (high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches, backaches) • I am constantly being sarcastic (passive aggressive) 1. Recognize your Anger 2. Admit your Anger I first have to come clean that I am having angry feelings. Then, when I have convinced myself that I am feeling angry, I have to "own" that anger. What does that mean? Owning is the opposite of blaming. When we discover we are feeling anger, we still don't want to admit to allowing ourselves to feel angry "for no reason, other than I am a sinner", so we set out to justify our feelings of anger to ourselves and often to others. "If s/he hadn't treated me like that" or "Listen to what's happened to me-one thing after another for months!-wouldn't you be upset?" or "If one more bad thing happens, I'm going to." or "If that person says one more thing, I'm going to." This is classic psychological "projection". I can't stand the thought of being responsible for behavior that I think is wrong, so I find someone or something else to pin the blame on, and I will somehow be justified in my negative state of mind. But it really doesn't help. Look at what happens: • I hang onto my anger, justifying it, and it gives the devil a foothold • I have complained about someone or something else being at fault, and now I have others joining me in my pity party and mad at that person, too. Not exactly an edifying set of circumstances! • I have actually done exactly what this scripture says not to do-I have held onto my angry feelings too long. Not only has the sun gone down on my anger, but it has raised and set dozens of times! What we must learn to do is to admit that we are angry. That is the healthiest thing you can do! I have referenced Ephesians 4:15 as one of the texts for this teaching. "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ." Being truthful always begins with being truthful with ourselves. I have to own up to how I feel in order to be healthy and spiritual. When I constantly blame my circumstances, other people and God for why I feel terrible, I am not spiritually well. Once you've admitted to yourself that you are angry the next step is in order - confess the anger. That brings us to the third step in dealing with your feelings of anger in a healthy and spiritual way. 1. Recognize your Anger 2. Admit/own your Anger 3. Express your Anger This is not what it sounds like. Remember, there is a wrong way to express anger, and a right way. The wrong way is simply doing or saying anything that in any way hurts people (including yourself). The right way is confession. Now, when I say "confess", I don't mean to imply that angry feelings are sins. The word "confess "in the Bible (HOMOLOGIA) simply means "to say the same thing, to admit". The best way to heal your angry feelings before they turn sinful is to ADMIT THEM. If you want to work through anger to health, you simply cannot avoid owning this feeling. As I read my Bible, I am convinced that you should confess it first to the Lord. It's really not hard-you just say, honestly and forthrightly, "God, I am feeling angry, and I don't like it!" or simply "I am angry." I suggest you even say it out loud. What you must do with your anger is take it to the Lord and say, "Here's how I feel." If you have allowed the anger to fester and turn into sinful expression, then, yes, it is sin and should be confessed as sin. When you confess your sins, what happens? "He is faithful and just and will forgive your sins, and cleanse you from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Alright, then, you have confessed-admitted-that you are feeling angry before the Lord. Now, what? Confess it to people! That's right, tell others about your anger. Whom should I tell? Your best friend and your worst enemy! Actually, I mean that almost literally. There are two people you need to confess your anger to. A trusted brother or sister in Christ, or even a trusted group of fellow believers-your cell group would be a great place to go to confess your anger-to "admit" that you are, or have been, struggling with feelings of anger. James 5:16 - "Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another that you may be - HEALED." There is no catharsis like admitting a weakness before people who love you-people you trust. If you are willing to humble yourself and make this admission in the safe confines of loving Christian community, you will find healing as your brothers and sisters surround you with prayer. Most angry Christians won't do that, because 1) they love their anger too much, and 2) they refuse to submit to that kind of humility. When I said your worst enemy, what I meant was you need to confess your anger to whomever you are angry with. The Bible says that if you have anything against your brother, you need to take it to him right away, admitting to him how you feel about what s/he said or did, and how it has affected you. (Matthew 18:15) Then what? Wait for them to apologize? No. Watch them grovel in sorrow? No. Get into an argument with them all over again? Certainly not. Well, what? Just confess your feelings-that's it! It's not your problem anymore! Of course, we assume that you will bring the matter to your bother or sister in "truth and love", and not in attitude of blaming or heated conversation. Your whole purpose must be redemptive here. You are not out to aggravate a strained relationship; you are out to heal it. You must have as your goal reconciliation. Otherwise you're not doing the truth in love-you're being neither truthful nor loving The point here is that you are taking this volatile feeling of anger and you are releasing it in a safe environment (before God and before trusted others). You are, in fact de-fusing it. Taming the tiger. The question often comes up, What if you've already resolved your anger, forgiven the person and really feel like going and confronting the person is unnecessary? Then, don't go! But we are required as part of the body of Christ to discern whether going to that person would be better for them. There is another passage beside Matthew 18:15 which says go to your brother when you have a problem with him; and that's Mathew 5:24, where Jesus teaches that if you think your brother has something against you, you should go and be reconciled. Where are we? Steps 1, 2 and 3 - Recognize your anger, Admit/Own your anger, and Confess your anger. Then the fourth step in the healthy way to deal with anger: 4. Bury your Anger When you have dealt with it, you've got to get rid of it, forget it. I once had a broken leg with a full length cast, from toe to thigh. It was a nice cast, I had a lot of good friends sign it and do artistic things to it-maybe when I was done with it I would keep it for a memento of sorts. I had it on for about six weeks when I was to call and make an appointment to have it removed. I thought to myself, you know, I'm going to go down there and pay some medical organization about 50 bucks to remove this cast. Now, I've got perfectly good tools in my garage. So I set about chiseling off that cast. Turned out to be a much bigger job than I had thought (2 hours-that's $25 an hour). The point I'm getting at is this. The closer I got to getting that cast off, the more convinced I was that I would not be keeping it for a souvenir. It's amazing how bad the inside of that cast smelled! Paul warns us that when we slather our hearts with anger, and keep it for too long, something starts to stink. And that something is our attitude and our behavior. As I said last week, though, we love to hold on to anger. It's much easier than the emotional and spiritual work it takes to get over it and, carnally speaking, it's sometimes more fun to stay mad about something, isn't it? We can rehearse the pain, have a little pity party and review the evidence about how wrong so-&-so was to do that, how right we were, what we wish we would have said at the moment, and maybe even how we're going to exact revenge. This is spiritually deadly. I cannot count the number of people I have counseled and ministered to who have been emotionally, spiritually and even physically ravaged by anger that has been held onto. It'll ruin you! No less a theologian than buddy Hackett said, "I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? Because, while you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing!" If you hang onto your anger, you are throwing yourself headlong into the dangerous position of seeking revenge. A man drove by a driveway where he saw a late-model Mercedes Benz parked, and on the bumper was a sign that read, "$100". He thought, "This must be a joke," but he pulled over, went to the door and asked. The woman who answered the door said, "Its no joke-if you have $100 cash, it's yours." He whipped out his wallet and handed her $100 quickly before she changed her mind. "Feeling a little guilty, he asked, "Why on earth did you sell it so cheap?" She said, "My husband called me an hour ago from the Bahamas to tell me he was leaving me for his secretary who is with him. He told me to sell his car and send him the money!" Hanging onto anger, Ephesians 4:26-27 says, leads you into sin and gives the devil a foothold in your soul. If you cling to anger, the temptation to revenge gets stronger and stronger. There is a volcanic emotional energy that gets closer and closer to eruption when we stuff our feelings of anger and don't deal with them. They're watching the Mayon Volcano in the Philippines these days. Last Thursday the seismometers detected massive dome growth in this monster volcano, including 2 interior rock falls. For the past year there have been regular rumblings and minor earthquakes around the mountain, adding to the suspicions that Mounting Mayon is ready to blow. They are now at a level four Alert Level (on a scale of 0-5). Residents within 6 kilometers have been put on alert. I've known people whose hearts rumbled with the threat of explosion. Unhealed and prolonged anger in them brought them to a boiling point and precipitously close to eruption. The tension and threat of explosion had their loved ones walking on egg shells around them and long time friends distancing themselves from them. Unlike volcanoes that have domes at the very top, people can explode in any direction. And anything can set them off. They might kick the dog because the toaster stopped working; they may get drunk because a friend didn't call them; they might belittle their spouse in front of friends because a business deal didn't go through; they may beat their children because the promotion didn't come through. You see it doesn't matter what the trigger is, and it doesn't matter what brand of violent behavior erupts, but it will happen, one way or another God is so gracious. He doesn't want His people living in that kind of precarious, volcanic state. So He says, "When you get angry, don't sin. Don't hold onto your anger for the entire day and into the night; don't give the devil that kind of opportunity for getting into your life. Be done with all bitterness and rage and explosive anger."       [Back to Top]