FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES HABIT #2 - AFFIRMING

FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES HABIT #2 - AFFIRMING Ephesians 4:26-30 September 9,  2001 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory For the month of September our time in the Word is focused on the practical subject, "Five Habits of Healthy Homes". As we've already discovered, just one week into the series, what makes a healthy home also makes a healthy church. And, frankly, these habits we are studying are just habits of healthy lives. Last week we considered the habit of "truthing in love" - how balancing honesty and love to the exclusion of neither makes healthy relationships grow even healthier. This morning we'll consider the habit of AFFIRMING. Now, affirming is all about what we say. It is also done through our actions, but primarily, if we would learn to affirm others we will have to learn to train our speech, as well as our hearts in the direction of others. You see, as with all our behaviors as Christians, our speech is not about pleasing ourselves-it's about serving others in the name of Christ. The heart of Christianity The very heart of Christianity is serving others. Many people and religions have this noble intent, but the key to doing it is to first be healthy yourself. Christianity alone offers the key. 1 John 4:19 - "We love because He first loved us" God's plan is quite simple. We learn and appreciate how much He loves us, and we are equipped to go out and love others. The love of God expressed in Jesus Christ, delivers us from our bondage's; His love keeps on delivering us; He assures us we are His adopted children; and He actually empowers us for ministry to others by pouring out His brand of love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). Affirmed people are free to affirm others. If I feel secure in my relationship with God, I am enabled to go and ministry in the grace and love of Christ to others. Now, as believers we are called to serve others, even people who are emotionally distant from us, but we learn by first serving those near and dear to us. That's why the NT puts such a premium on ministering to our families and the loved ones in our church family. If we can't love those who are Christians how will we learn to love those who are not yet Christians? The Art of Affirming The "Ironman" of baseball, newly retired Cal Ripken: "Growing up 'I love you' wasn't spread around too much in our household. Not that it wasn't meant. I could tell every time my dad told me he loved me without saying it. It's just the way things were then. That part is different in my family. I want my kids to hear it. I tell them, 'I love you no matter what,' which means, 'Whether you are good or bad, happy or sad. It doesn't matter whatever you are. I love you. Unconditionally. Always.' It all goes back to security and telling them you'll always be there for them. Maybe you run the risk of telling them you love them so often that it loses meaning. I'll risk it." There is a power in positive words. With our words we "form" those near and dear to us, especially our children. We believers must learn to use the power of affirmation with our speech. How important our speech is! James 3:9-10 puts it negatively - "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." The extreme importance of what we say to one another is captured in our text, Ephesians 4:29-30 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths; but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Practical Exhortations Affirmation defined: finding a good and remarkable quality about someone, then bragging about it to them and others. The proper use of speech is to EDIFY those who hear us. Let me offer just a few practical exhortations for our consideration this morning: 1. Always speak with love and consideration Last week's teaching was on the biblical exhortation to practice "truthing in love." We learned that we are called to be people who don't say things we think or feel, unless we are confident that those who hear us say it will be blessed (edified) by it. If that means counting to ten before speaking so that you don't spout off in an angry fashion, then count to ten. And if it means just not saying anything at all until you have fixed whatever is wrong in your heart, then don't speak. "Only what is helpful," Paul said. Does it mean we are never to offer a corrective word? No. "for building others up according to their needs" may very well allow a strong word of correction or even rebuke, because it is in order and, after all, it will be the best thing, ultimately, for the one who hears. Sometimes a direct and corrective word is the only proper thing to say. But most of us don't need advice about correcting or rebuking other in our families. We've go that technique down pat. What most of us could use is a reminder to speak words of encouragement to those we know and love. People get so little encouragement these days, it seems. Speak TO others in your family words of affirmation - particularly after there has been correction. There is great power in telling your child that you love him, that he means so much to you and to God. Speak words of affirmation ABOUT others in your family to others (it will get back to them-even if it doesn't, you have still reinforced a good habit in yourself). Peter Lord, former pastor of Park Avenue Baptist Church in Titusville, FL told a story: He was always in trouble at school, so when the parents of the junior high boy received one more call to come in and meet with his teacher and the principal, they knew what was coming. Or so they thought. The teacher sat down with the boy's father and said, 'Thanks for coming. I wanted you to hear what I have to say.' The father crossed his arms and waited, thinning what defense he could use this time. The teacher proceeded to go down a list of ten things-ten positive affirmations of the jr hi 'troublemaker'. When she finished, the father said, 'And what else? Let's hear the bad things.' 'That's all I wanted to say,' she said. That night when the father got home, he repeated the conversation to his son. And not surprisingly, almost overnight, the troublemaker's attitude and behavior changed dramatically. All because a teacher looked past the negatives. Parents, find the good qualities in your kids and tell them about them. TODAY. Tell your friends how proud you are of your kids, and let your children hear you. Tell you child's friends when he is not around, and they'll tell him. It's amazing how many opportunities we have to model good, edifying Christian behavior even to other people's kids! Learning the habit of affirmation of the good qualities of a loved one will not only help them, but it will also help transform how you see them. Husbands and wives - make certain that what you say to one another builds the other up. Words of encouragement and appreciation affirm. And don't forget, if you DON'T speak, it is not only not encouraging, it is DIScouraging. Tell your wife's best friend how much you love her (your wife) and what a blessing she is to you - I guarantee it will get back to her - and it will bless her significantly. 2. Go out of your way to affirm Take special time to be affirming. Surprise those in you family with affirmation. Take your daughter out for a date (dinner, shopping) take your son to a ball game or fishing (says you care and are taking special time for them). Surprise your spouse with a date, with a delivery of flowers or a special unexpected gift. These are creative ways to AFFIRM your loved ones by confirming your love and appreciation for them. Be creative. Sponsor your own "Just Because" Day and do special favors of affirmation for the others in your family JUST BECAUSE. If you're a very organized person: plan a "daily affirmation" agenda, and make it a point to give edifying attention to at least one of your loved ones each day. 3. Learn your child's (spouse's) "love language" Family counselor, Gary Chapman, co-authored with Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children. "Sometimes a child has good reason for feeling he isn't loved. That's why we need to learn how to communicate love in a way that makes the child FEEL loved." Not every child is alike-every parent knows this. Really every person has his/her unique needs for affirmation. Find out what blesses them. Discovery comes through observation-"how do they GIVE love and affirmation?" This is the best clue to what they need to receive. Listen to what the person says he needs. If always asking for a hug or clamoring for attention, or wondering if you brought him a gift… Five Love Languages of Children (for spouses, all five) 1. Acts of service Likes small favors-help with homework, cleaning room-fixing bike 2. Physical Touch Enjoys hugs and touch, holding hands, sitting on lap 3. Gift-giving small and inexpensive gifts work fine, just a sea shell or a Canadian coin or a little item from the dollar store 4. Quality Time likes being told stories, taking walks, looking at old pictures, working with you in the kitchen or garage 5. Words of Affirmation needs your special comments of love and appreciation, notice out loud his accomplishments or good traits. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." God's great act of affirmation for His children, of course was His atoning death for us, so that we would not have to die in our sins, eternally separated from God. Beyond that, He gave each of His children His Holy Spirit, His very presence in our lives. The Bible says the Spirit, living in our hearts cries "Abba, Father" in the deep recesses of our beings to remind us that we are His children. The Spirit is our permanent encourager and comforter; there to help us in our striving to live for God (help us?! He actually provides all the power and motivation for living for God!). Here's a story about a little boy who had a good deal of musical talent. He had taken lessons from various piano teachers for several years. One day his parents decided they would make a request of a famous piano teacher they had heard about, to see if he would be their son's personal teacher. They met with the elderly man and begged him to take on their son. He was insistent that he did not want any new students. They pleaded with him to at least listen to their son play. Finally he agreed. As he listened, the elderly man straightened up and his eyes began to gleam. He said, "Yes, I will teach him!" The years passed, during which the old musician poured his very spirit into the boy. He taught him all he knew about music and watched the young man excel. The boy learned much from his mentor. Like his elderly tutor he was no longer making sounds with his fingers alone, but his whole being entered into his playing. One day the musical master said, "Son, it's time for your debut." The word had spread that this young protégé had a masterful touch, and the evening of his public performance the concert hall was filled. There was a hush when he sat down at the piano. As he played, he leaned over the keyboard and poured his very soul into the music. Before he finished, strong men wept openly. Women applauded enthusiastically. But not once did the young virtuoso look at his audience. He kept his eyes focused on the balcony, where the old music master was nodding his approval, and whispering, "You're on the right track, son. Keep it up. You're doing well…" No matter what, as you attempt to be the encourager to your family and to others in the body of Christ, keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, your heart tuned to his Spirit within you. Even just now He is whispering "You're on the right track, child. Keep it up. You're doing well…" [Back to Top]