POWER GAMES AND CHILD-REARING

POWER GAMES AND CHILD-REARING Ephesians 6:1-4 With grateful acknowledgement of these sources of direction and inspiration: the Holy Spirit; the Word of God; Charles Colson, How Now Shall We Live; James Dobson, Parenting Isn't for Cowards, Dare To Discipline; Jean Bethke Elshtain, Democracy on Trial; Stanley Greenspan, The Challenging Child; Mark Richison, "Raising Kids By the Book"; Jane Waldfogel, Columbia University study in World Magazine (7/27/2002) June 1, 2003 [Additional Notes] Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introduction The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has released an extensive study on teens and substance abuse. Their main finding was that "teens whose parents have established rules in the house have better relationships with their parents and a substantially lower risk of smoking, drinking, and using illegal drugs than the typical teen." Out of the 526 girls and 474 boys between ages 12 and 17 evaluated, the study found that only 25 percent live with parents who establish and enforce rules in the home. These 25 percent are at less risk for drug abuse than teens whose parents impose few or no rules. The study discovered that the successful parents habitually did at least 10 of the following 12 actions: 1. Monitor what their teens watch on TV. 2. Monitor what their teens do on the Internet. 3. Put restrictions on the CDs they buy. 4. Know where their teens are after school and on weekends. 5. Are told the truth by their teens about where they really are going. 6. Are "very aware" of their teens academic performance. 7. Impose a curfew. 8. Make clear they would be "extremely upset" if their teen used pot. 9. Eat dinner with their teens six or seven nights a week. 10. Turn off the TV during dinner. 11. Assign their teen regular chores. 12. Have an adult present when the teens return home from school. Of the teens living in lax homes, only 24 percent had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers and 13 percent with their fathers. Of the teens living in relatively strict homes, 57 percent had an exceptionally good relationship with their mothers and 47 percent with their fathers. The Center's president Joseph A. Califano Jr., former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, comments: "Mothers and fathers who are parents rather than pals can greatly reduce the risk of their children smoking, drinking and using drugs." Pete Hartogs, "Study: Rules Improve Parent-Child Relationship," CNN Online (02-21-01) Parent or pal? From the Word of God, these four verses come to us as instruction on this issue, a reminder that we are to instruct but not alienate our kids. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother'-which is the first commandment with a promise-'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." [webmasters note: Ephesians 6:1-4] Country superstar Garth Brooks was asked about raising his children and if he corrects them when they misbehave. Brooks said: "Many parents try to be a friend to their children. My children already have enough friends. They need me to be a parent and show then right from wrong." (on the TV show, "The View") Imagine that, Garth Brooks and God on the same page! There is a balance that needs to be found when it comes to disciplining children, somewhere between permissive and dictatorial and I'd like for us to consider how to find it. First, Use Corrective and Directive Discipline In the book of Proverbs there are several passages that remind parents and children of the value of the "rod". For example, "Folly [foolishness] is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15) "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother." (Proverbs 29:15) But the Bible's larger teaching on discipline adds another dimension. It is what I call "directive discipline". It is that character-building element we mean when we speak of "self-discipline". From the same root word comes the Greek word MATHETES or disciple. If a parent is always correcting his child, but has not laid the groundwork of lovingly teaching the rules in advance, he will alienate the child. Paul refers to this idea in verse 4 - "Father's do not exasperate your children." Exasperation occurs when there is much scolding and emphasis on correcting wrong behavior, that there is little positive reinforcement. You know, I guess we're all a little bit like children. We tend to take corrective advice better from someone whom we trust-someone we know loves us. "The parent who exerts his or her power most drastically over children loses all power over them, except the power to twist and hurt and destroy." (Gary Wills) Lovingly teach them the rules, biblical and moral behavior, and take the time to assure them that you love them, and your children will receive your corrective discipline without being exasperated-and, by the way, you'll be a lot less exasperated yourself! Like Marguerite Kelly wrote in an article in the Washington Post: "If a child gets more attention from her parents for being bad than for being good, she'll be a handful" Recognize the need for corrective and directive discipline. Second, Remember Kids are Kids Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby have illustrated that kids say, and do, the darndest things. And it's true! Four-year old Zachary came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mom he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So she fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to his mother's bathroom and came out with her toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, mom, 'cause it fell in the toilet last week." Proverbs 22:15 had it right - "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child…" But it isn't all just "original sin". Children are young and inexperienced and they are learning. Isn't that why God put them with us grown-ups for 18 years plus? Let your child be a child. Celebrate his wonder at God's big world; enjoy her delight over things she is learning. I don't know any grandparents who ever said, "I went way overboard enjoying my children when they were young!" Of course you'll have to bring course corrections, and you'll have to bring the board of education to bear on the seat of learning, but remember, these young lives are still early in their development. Learn to be patient and enjoy the process. Remember, kids are kids. But don't forget either that their life-learning is in this big school we call life. It's where you, the parents, are the primary teachers. And God has entrusted to you the responsibility, the stewardship of "training them up in the way they should go" so that when they're old, "they will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) Don't Be Afraid of Your Kids Children must be told in no uncertain terms when they're wrong, and they must be corrected. Many parents today are afraid of their children, though. They're not afraid their kids are going to hurt them (although that is the case sometimes), but in their own insecurities, the parents feel they need the friendship of their child, and they are afraid to confront wrong behavior because they don't want to "turn the child against them." Make no mistake about it-there is a power game that goes on between the parent and the child, and the child can come up with some challenging strategies in order to wrest control from his parent. If that means manipulating them by making them think he doesn't like them or he is angry with them in order to get his way, it is not beyond his little mind to play that game. Parents, you must be in charge in your home. If you relinquish control in any way to your children, you will ruin them and you will invite chaos into your family. You are the boss. If you are so insecure that you cannot risk offending your child in order to train her in godly behavior, you ought not be a parent. But you already are parents, so GET HEALED and DO IT NOW! Insecure adults are so vulnerable to the whims of their children that they never demand anything of them. The result is lazy, undisciplined, misfit, miscreant members of society when those little darlings grow up. Michael Jordan credits his parents for giving him the security of a good upbringing. "If I ever had a problem, my parents never had a problem telling me I had a problem." Pediatricians and psychologists are finding today's parents are too permissive. They are reluctant to set limits for their children. And this benign parental neglect is harming kids from the ages of nine months to adolescence. Karen Stabiner writes in the New York Times: "It seems that the parents of today's parents, those strict disciplinarians of the 1950s and early '60s, may have been right all along: father and mother did know best…." Nancy Samalin, a parent educator in New York City, sees both single- and two-parent families as overwhelmed. She says, "Parents want their children to love them, and it's harder to say no than yes, especially if you've been working all day and you're tired." Telling a child no is essential to raising healthy kids, according to Linda Rubinowitz, psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Chicago. "It gives the child a sense that you really understand what's going on. And it gives the child a way to deal with a problem in a social context. You can tell them, 'Say your mom and dad won't let you do it, and grumble if you want.' That's face saving for the child." Revetta Bowers heads the Centre for Early Education in Los Angeles. She says schools are replacing parents. "Schools now make rules, which in many instances are the only rules that are not open to arbitration or negotiation. What children really need is guidance and love and support. We expect them to act more and more like adults, while we act more and more like children. Then, when we're ready to act like parents, they bristle at the retaking of authority." In other words, you can't leave it to Beaver. And that's all advice from secularists! Because of their common sense, they've stumbled into biblically sound truth. Research has led them to conclusions consistent with the ancient scriptures! The fact is that good discipline builds security in children. Don't be afraid to exercise your parental authority in the shaping of their young lives. Paul Harvey writes: "We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as un-cool as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa! And go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you. Don't be afraid of your kids. Next, Be There for Your Kids During morning devotions with his two young daughters, Bill Cage, suddenly realized he hadn't been spending as much time with his girls as he wanted. After apologizing he said, "You know, it's not always important the quantity of time we spend together, as it is the quality of time we spend together." Kristen, 6, and Madison, 4, didn't quite understand. Bill explained, "Quantity means how much time, and quality means how good the time is we spend together. Which would you rather have?" Not missing a beat, Kristen replied, "Quality time. And a lot of it!" If there is one thing that is certainly included in the admonition of verse 4, it is to spend time with your children. "…bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Listen, mom, you can make a million mistakes raising your kids, but if you love them and prove it by spending time with them-well, 1 Peter 4:8 says it perfectly: "Love covers a multitude of sins." Dad, if you have been practically AWOL from your kids' lives, it's not too late to change your pattern and fix the wrong. Make a date with each child, sit down with him or her and apologize, along with a promise to do better. Ask their forgiveness. Then, be a parent who is there for his kids. Christian family therapist John Trent shared two letters given to him by a third grade teacher. The letters were part of an assignment her students completed. Dear Dad, I love it when you take me on dates! I like it when you play baseball with me, miniature golf with me, and watch movies with me. I really aprisheate it! I like it when you tell jokes to me. I like it when you hug me and kiss me. Daddy, I love you! Four seats away from this girl sat another little girl. Here's what her letter said: Dear Daddy, I love you so much. When you are going to come see me agen? I miss you very much. I love it when you take me to the pool. When am I going to get to spend the night at your house? Have you ever seen my house before? I want to see what your house looks like. Do you? Whand am I going to get to see you agene? I love you, Daddy. One letter is from a child whose father knows what it means to be there. The second is from a child whose father, for whatever reason, has chosen not to be there. Teach Your Faith to Your Kids According to Newsweek, "81 percent of mothers and 78 percent of fathers say they plan eventually to send their young child to Sunday school or some other kind of religious training." For many parents, raising a child who is empathetic, knows right from wrong, and attempts to follow the Golden Rule is more important than that child becoming wealthy or President. Parents have always made instilling moral values a priority. "But in today's fast-paced world, where reliable role models are few and acts of violence by children are increasingly common, the quest to raise a moral child has taken on new urgency." What is eminently clear in verse 4 is the responsibility of the Christian parent, particularly the father, to instruct his children in the faith. Several weeks into the school year, one mom asked her first grader what he thought of school now that he was a seasoned pro. "Oh, I love school," he said. "It's great!" Then, after a brief hesitation, he added, "Well, except for one thing ... I don't really like it when Mrs. Decker tries to teach us stuff." No child is going to voluntarily sit still for instruction. It goes against the grain. But it is precisely the parent's responsibility to change this grain, and instill in their children, not only a tolerance (if not a love) for learning, but especially a love of God's Word and the tenets of the Christian faith. Of course, to pass along the faith, you must be a parent of faith, and live that faith. Flight attendants give these instructions to airline passengers: "For those of you traveling with small children, in the event of an oxygen failure, first place the mask on your own face and then place the mask on your child's face." Former Hollywood bad boy, Martin Sheen, reveals that watching his son, Charlie Sheen, lead a similarly decadent life filled him with remorse. Plagued by guilt because he was so absorbed in his own wild ride while his children were growing up, he worries that he learned to be a father too late. He particularly regrets his failure to share his faith: "I never lost my faith. But I felt for a time that I had outgrown the church. Now it is a bone of contention in my soul that I did not share my faith with my kids, as my parents did with me." A college age girl applied for two jobs for summer employment. One she wanted very much and the other she didn't but would take as a second choice. The second-choice job came up first, and she was offered that job. She wanted to hold out for the other, but she didn't know if the other was going to come. So she went ahead and accepted it for her summer employment. A few days later, the other job became available to her, and she very much wanted to quit the first and go to the second. So she went to her father. She said, "Dad, I have a problem." And she explained it to him.. He looked her straight in the eye and said, "Did you take the first job?" She said, "Yes." "Did you promise you would work there this summer?" She said, "Yes." He said, "Why are we having this conversation?" Lastly, Encourage Your Kids I want you to notice that the last part of verse 4 is in contrast with the first part. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, INSTEAD, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." That means that the kind of upbringing we are commanded to provide for our children is diametrically different from exasperating them. The opposite of exasperation is encouragement. "I felt he was a hypocrite. Dad could talk about peace and love out loud to the world, but he could never show it to the people who supposedly meant the most to him: his wife and son." That's a quote from Julian Lennon, son of John Lennon of the Beatles. "How can you talk about peace and love and have a family in bits and pieces-no communication, adultery, divorce? You can't do it, not if you're being true and honest with yourself." Twila Paris, winner of the 1993 and 1994 Dove Award for Female Vocalist of the Year, credits her parents for giving her a sense of self-worth and confidence. It's advice she likes to pass on to any parent: "They always answered my question 'Do you think I can do it?' with 'Of course you can.' And they were never too busy doing God's work to give me attention. Even as a teenager, I thought I must be the most entertaining company in the world because my folks loved to be with me--and with each of my siblings. It didn't occur to me until years later that they chose to spend time with us." Over in 2 Timothy 4:2, Paul says, "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage-with great patience and careful instruction." Parenting kids is like shepherding a small flock. Baseball star [Cal] Ripken searches for parenting tips. He says the sagest advice he ever received about dadhood came not from the usual child development experts but a former Orioles teammate named Tim Hulett, whom Ripken regards as "the best dad I've ever known." In one clubhouse conversation still etched in his memory, Ripken recalls Hulett observing, "Your little ones are a blank tape, constantly running and recording information. Whose information do you want on that tape? Yours or somebody else's?" [Ripkin's] ice-blue eyes lock in. "I want my information on that tape."     [Back to Top]