ADULTERY AND DIVORCE

ADULTERY AND DIVORCE Matthew 5:27-32 With grateful acknowledgement of these sources of direction and inspiration: the Holy Spirit; the Word of God; Alfred Edersheim, The Life and Times of Jesus the Messiah; Michael Green, Matthew; John MacArthur, Matthew; Charles Swindoll, Simple Faith; Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew June 27, 2004 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory "To be honest with you, she is the most wonderful woman I ever knew. She is my soul-mate, and I'm glad I finally found her." Sam (not his real name) was a church elder until about a year before he made this statement to me. But he wasn't talking about his wife. He was referring to the woman, a dozen years or more younger than he, with whom he was then living. "What about your wife?" I asked. "Rich, I don't feel a thing for her-maybe pity. We were married for more than 30 years, but I don't think we ever made each other happy. For sure, she didn't make me happy." But now I'm happy." "Did she cheat on you?" "Do you mean did she ever have an affair? No, she never did that." "Did she desert you or beat you or threaten you harm?" "No. She probably wants to kill me now, though." Sam had been a church elder for the 8 years I had known him. And, as elders went in that church, he was a pretty good one. I had respected him and grown close to him. We had been able to talk about personal and spiritual things. Then about a year before this conversation he decided to "sit out a year" from the church eldership. He did and within a month he began to miss Sunday morning worship services and never again darkened the door for Wednesday services. He had also become evasive, managing to avoid me, failing to return my calls and eventually Sam stopped attending worship altogether. I finally caught up with him. It was then when we had this conversation. I continued with words that I almost choked on. "Sam, you know this is wrong. It is a sin against God and a sin against your wife and children. You need to leave this woman, get back with your wife and fix what's broken." "It'll never happen. It's gone too far. Penny (not her real name) and I are going to get married just as soon as the divorce goes through. We love each other and I've found something I've never had. I promise you I'll take good care of my family." I've thought long and hard about Sam. Was the marriage that miserable? And even if it was, did it justify walking out? Or was it a turn-of-the-head, sudden flirtation that smoldered and burst into a full blown sexual involvement? More often than not there is a direct, causal relationship between the breakdown and eventual death of a marriage and some extra-marital sexual tryst. The Bible calls it "adultery" and no matter how we try to disguise it with euphemistic labels like "an affair" or "a fling", it is adultery. More than any other single issue, a sexual relationship with someone outside the marriage precipitates divorce. Sexual infidelity is so powerful a trust-buster and relationship-killer that it is the one and only reason to end a marriage, so irreparable are its effects on the husband and wife. The renowned "exception clause" appears at Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 where Jesus says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness and marries another woman commits adultery." In our text this morning at Matthew five, the two concepts of adultery and divorce appear together in context. In verses 27-30 the Lord speaks to adultery and lust, and then in verses 31-32 He speaks to divorce. I have chosen to link the two because of their proximity to each other, and because of the experiential link as one leads to the other in so many cases of failed relationships and dissolved marriages. Adultery and Lust Using the same approach as He has with other commandments, Jesus begins by saying, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Right away we see that Jesus will not settle for dealing only with the ACT of sexual sin outside the bonds of marriage. He goes right for the jugular. It is the lust that is the origin of such sin and He is quick to show that if the heart and mind have entertained lust, sin has already occurred. Adultery is sexual activity between a person and another person who is not that person's spouse. The Deed - You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery" The commandment of course comes right off Mt. Sinai being the seventh of the Ten Commandments given by God through Moses. It wasn't the interpretation of Moses that was wrong, but the religious leaders' interpretation. Though they knew better, they interpreted this commandment as having to do only with the act of adultery. Jesus interprets the commandment plain as can be by defining adultery as more than an act-it is also the "plan" and deliberate consideration of the act. Any person who has given into sexual temptation toward someone he or she is not married to is guilty before God of adultery. Yes, I know, that means everyone is guilty. We live in a time of unbridled sexual passion. Sex is promoted and exploited in every area of life-it is the almost uninterrupted theme of entertainment. Sex is used to sell products and glamorize programs and movies. Sex crimes are pandemic. You can't drive the public highways without being bombarded by sex on billboards. There is precious little that can be viewed on TV or at the movies that precludes gratuitous sex. Our culture is preoccupied with sex. Another one of God's precious gifts to humankind twisted, distorted and drug through the mud. There is nothing in the Bible that condemns sex. On the contrary, when it is celebrated in the sanctified confines of marriage, it is a wonderful and holy thing. Once its proper boundaries are violated, though, and it is taken outside the bonds of marriage, its divine design is perverted. The Desire (5:28) Further, to even give more than a passing consideration of extra-marital sex is to be guilty of adultery. This is what Jesus is saying. God looks on the heart. To engage in sin in one's heart is to be guilty before God. The religious leaders had distorted the intent of the original commandment by limiting it to a physical act. "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Let's be clear here - He is talking about a man who looks so that he may satisfy his evil desire. Included are pornography (hard core and soft core), television programs that are viewed because of their sexual orientation, and anything else a man or a woman may do to excite sexual arousal or satisfaction with any other person besides his or her spouse. Does this include pictures of men and women on internet sites and on the glossy pages of magazines? Let me answer with a question-is that your wife on the screen? Is that your husband in the photo? Sexual arousal and excitement is a normal, healthy creation of God-a gift to men and women. But, like any other very good thing, it is good only when used as intended-and that is within the bonds of marriage. When we ignore those limitations we sin. If I sexually interact with another person who is not my spouse I have sinned, but I probably sinned earlier. If I lusted for that person before I interacted with them, I have sinned. And that sin led to the act. But I probably sinned earlier. If, when the thought first popped into my head as a temptation, I deliberately continued considering it, and didn't refuse it, I sinned. The Bible is clear-a woman is to give herself sexually only to her husband, and a man is to give himself sexually only to his wife. Proverbs 5:15-23 - "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The vile deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly." Listen, being tempted is not a sin. Entertaining the temptation is where sin begins. When you first encounter the temptation to sexual adultery (in thought or deed), RUN! Get other thoughts into your mind and renounce that territory as off limits. Let me say a word to the ladies. This also applies to you. We know that men are far more susceptible to the sin of the eye, as they are visually stimulated. But the women likewise have their weaknesses. Whatever it is that tempts you in the direction of sexual sin, avoid it. And when you run into it, run! One more word for the ladies. If you know that the men around you are vulnerable to sexual excitement by sight, and you are a Christian, you ought to know better than to dress in provocative fashion. Young ladies, if no one has ever told you, I'm telling you now. When you dress in such a way as to show that extra cleavage or belly or thigh, you are leading the guys around you into temptation. That is a serious breach of Christian behavior. Why would you do such a thing to a Christian brother? Why would you tempt even a pagan to sin by lusting? Let me speak for the other men and boys in this room. You are far more beautiful when you are dressed modestly. Save the sight of the rest of you for your husband. Don't go looking for any kind of personal, intimate connection apart from your spouse. One of the clearest indicators of how seriously God takes our vows of marital fidelity may be found in the tenth commandment, where He insists, "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife…" (Exodus 20:17). There it is right there in the Old Testament-for a married person to desire another partner was a grievous sin. And such illicit desire is sinful if it occurs with the body or the mind. God created marriage as the physical, spiritual and social union of one man with one woman-a life-long, indivisible covenant that is not to be broken or taken for granted. The Deliverance (5:29-30) Next Jesus engages some hyperbole to make a point about how serious it is to avoid the sexual sin of adultery (in thought or deed). "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." In case you need someone to tell you, this is not to be taken literally. It is clearly hyperbolic-it is an overstatement to make a point. The point is this: sin must be dealt with radically. If we will not purposely control what is around us, where we go, what we do, what we watch and read, the company we keep, and the conversations we have, then those things will control us. What we cannot control we should discard immediately. Listen, we are sinners, and we cannot deliver ourselves from our propensity to sin. That is why Jesus came to save us-to deliver us from the bondage of sin. By his grace-his unearned salvation for us while we are helpless sinners-we can be made holy and our lives can grow in the kind of holiness that pleases Him. You cannot untrain yourself from sexual temptation and sin. You need the Spirit of the Lord in your life. You need His grace to deliver you. Titus 2:11-12 - "…the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It [grace] teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age…" If you are struggling with any kind of sexual sin or sexual addiction, make the first right step today. Give your life to the Lord; trust Him to save you and deliver you. He said He came to set captives free and to bring hope, healing and abundant life to people. You will need help in a variety of ways, but let the Lord save you first. Divorce (Matthew 5:31-32) As His profound words on lust and adultery still hung in the air on that Galilean hillside, Jesus launched into the other related subject, divorce. You could almost hear Him transition with words similar to these: "And speaking of the mess people get into when the toy with lust and participate in adultery, let me add a few comments on the topic of divorce. "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery." When Jesus says, "It has been said…" here He is referring to the rabbinic traditions which were held in high esteem by the teachers of the law. Deuteronomy 24:1 was at the center of the debate among the rabbis, Pharisees and scribes. There Moses referred to a man who marries a woman and finds some "indecency" in her and how if he wanted to "put her away" or divorce her, he should give her a certificate of divorce. This certificate was actually a blessing to her, protecting her from slander or accusation of adultery, and providing proof of her right to remarry. What the law was about was protecting women who were divorced. The debate swirled around what Moses meant by "some indecency." Some said it meant that the husband discovered that she was not a virgin. Others who offered a more liberal interpretation said it meant that the husband found out she was not a good cook or a good housekeeper. One rabbi even suggested that if she burned the toast, it qualified as an "indecency" and the man should divorce her. (Sounds almost as frivolous as today's divorce courts, doesn't it? Except today, all the idiotic reasons are neatly summed up for us in terms like ""irreconcilable differences" and "no fault".) So Jesus cuts across the debates and gets to the real point. The point is not the certificate of divorce, He insists, it is the failure of marriage that is so important to Father God. With the words of Malachi 2:16 ringing in his heart - "'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel", He reminds us that divorce ought not even to happen. All this debate over a dumb certificate is superfluous. The real problem is that husbands and wives are not keeping their vows to God and each other and their marriages are being terminated on a whim. Then the exception clause appears-except for marital unfaithfulness. As we mentioned earlier, when one partner takes the marital trust outside the holy boundaries of marriage and engages in sexual adultery with another, something really huge takes place. Something way down at the heart of the other spouse's being is seriously wounded. The emotional bruising and spiritual damage that occurs is so hard to overcome that even Jesus says, "In this case (and only in this case), in this case, divorce is permissible." Consider what you are risking when you toy with adultery. Again, back in Deuteronomy 24:1-4, where the discussion of the certificate of divorce originates, Moses warns the people of God that if they wantonly relax God standards and allow divorce for any reason at all, they will actually be increasing adultery. If a man without proper cause divorces his wife and effectively drives her into the arms of another man, if she is not properly divorced, she commits adultery with that man. Now she and the new husband are essentially adulterers. And the original husband, because he did not divorce on the only allowable grounds (marital unfaithfulness), when he marries another, makes himself and his new bride adulterers. Adultery often leads to divorce, but, ironically, the result of divorce can be multiplied adultery, Jesus says. Bottom line, how does the Christ-follower avoid these evil consequences? Simple. Run from the temptations of lust outside of marriage and be committed to your spouse no matter what. If sexual infidelity occurs, you have the right, but not the obligation, to divorce your guilty spouse. Concluding Exhortations 1. Marry a Christian who is deeply devoted to the Lord and who will keep his/her vows to you. Don't even partially-seriously date an unbeliever. Find and marry someone who really wants you to grow in Christ. 2. Avoid any place or circumstance in which you might be tempted to lust after a person (or an image of a person) who is not your spouse. Say NO early when you encounter sudden urges and temptations. Don't give the devil a foothold by hanging onto the temptation because it's fun. 1. Computers: pornographic websites, chat rooms and the like. 2. TV and movies - if the heat of lust will burn you, why light the match? 3. Unhealthy intimacies with person other than your spouse (even seemingly innocent ones) 4. When you encounter sexual temptation, turn and run, now. 3. Be satisfied with your spouse. Ask God for all the grace you will need to keep the covenant of marriage you made inviolate. If you are having trouble with your marriage seek godly counsel and support from a small group of believers. 4. Nurture your marriage now. Do not contribute to your spouse's temptations to lust and adultery by negligence. Be the loving spouse you promised to be so many years ago. Do whatever it takes to heal a hurting relationship or to spice up a boring one. Marriage retreat, seminar; recommend His Needs Her Needs (Farley). Never withhold from your spouse that sexual relationship that helps you to bond. God gave you the "gift of sex" (as Clifford Penner calls it in his excellent book by that title) as your marriage's most profound expression of intimacy and unity. And to try to control or to requite your spouse by refraining and refusing it is sin. 5. Get serious about your relationship with Christ. Your ability to be a loving, caring, and edifying wife or husband is directly linked to your walk in the Spirit. Devoted Christians make good, devoted marriage partners.   [Back to Top]