WHAT ABOUT RE-MARRIAGE?

WHAT ABOUT RE-MARRIAGE? Matthew 19:9; 5:32 September 24, 2006 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introduction One of my favorite old stories is about the woman who married a millionaire, but didn’t feel as though it was working out too well, so she divorced him. Then she married a movie star, but that relationship didn’t seem to suit her either. She married a third time, this was to a minister. Church life was just too much for her, so she divorced him and moved on to her fourth husband, a funeral director. That was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go. Divorce is no laughing matter, of course, but sometimes it helps just to laugh. George Bernard Shaw was noted for his sense of humor. One day he was visiting with a newspaper reporter who was doing a story on him. Shaw’s wife was present. The reporter noticed halfway through the interview that Mrs. Shaw hadn’t said a word but was busily knitting. He said to her, “You seem very absorbed in your knitting. Is that a strong interest of yours?” “Not really,” she said. “You see, I’ve heard these stories of his for years. And if I didn’t do something with my hands, I would probably strangle him.” Other than the knitting part, that sounds like Charlotte and me. A Look at the Text – Matthew 19:9 and 5:32 Last week we spent our time looking at what Jesus said about marriage and divorce in Matthew 19:1-9. In brief summary, we learned the macro truth that marriage is designed by God to be permanent (at least on earth). Jesus’ words to the Pharisees who were asking about divorce, focused them back to God’s design in Genesis: …it was not this way at the beginning… (Mat. 19:4) Concerning that last point, let me clarify something that I realized this week I might have poorly stated. In my message I stated that we are all sinners and that divorce and remarriage can be forgiven just like any other sin. What I failed to clarify was that I was talking about those who were divorced for reasons other than sexual infidelity and then remarried to another. That, Jesus said, is adultery; I was simply reiterating the words of Jesus in verse 9. The other macro truth Jesus lays bare is that it is the sinfulness of humanity and our hardness of heart that precipitated Moses’ allowance of divorce for reasons other than marital infidelity. Divorce was certainly not commanded, it was merely allowed under certain conditions, and that only because of the inability of men and women to live out God’s will in marriage. In Matthew 19:9 Jesus says, I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness (PORNEIA), and marries another woman commits adultery. Let me quickly point out, this is not applicable to a husband or wife whose spouse dies, because the scriptures are clear: when a spouse dies the widowed person is free from the marriage and free to remarry (Romans 7:2). Nor does verse 9 apply to a husband or wife who is divorced due to sexual infidelity. Jesus clearly says that is an exception. The biblical text is concerned with those are divorced for less than biblically excepted reasons and then remarry another person. The same principle is taught at Matthew 5:32, though there the concern is that the husband who divorces his wife for lesser reasons causes her to commit adultery, by sending her away, which in that culture meant she had to either remarry or live in prostitution. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery. Let’s address the teaching in Matthew 19:9 with care for the truth and compassion for people. Our goal in studying God’s Word is to learn His will well enough to be equipped to serve people—not to judge, condemn or persecute those who sin. We are to help, not hurt; to minister to people, real people with real needs, not destroy them. That said we must understand, first of all, that adultery is not the unforgivable sin. Sometimes when we get all caught up in our discussions of this infraction of God’s will it somehow becomes larger and more heinous that our other sins. Divorce results in many undesirable consequences, often more than other sins, it is true, but it is forgivable. Anytime we talk about “forgivable sins,” of course, we’re not in any way suggesting that since a sin is forgivable we can irresponsibly go ahead and commit that sin with impunity. We are exhorted in scripture against such premeditated sin and such a presumptuous attitude toward grace and forgiveness. Again, just to be clear, the church does not speak out against divorce, remarriage or adultery for any other reason than this—it is what God says. Our teaching against sin, any sin—whether it is cheating, lust, homosexual behavior or murder—is not to shame or stigmatize people. It is only to speak the plain truth of God into a culture that is in violation of His will. Preach Truth and Practice Love This is true when it comes to the issue of abortion, for example. We are not out to wound people who’ve been through an abortion. We are out to love them and help them, because more than anything else in the world they need God’s grace and forgiveness. Additionally, those who have never had an abortion need to understand it is wrong—people like our children, who unless we teach them God’s Word and His will, have no other instruction in the matter but culture’s relativistic standards. We cannot avoid saying it is wrong because it might offend or hurt someone who has had one. When it comes to those who have been divorced for less than biblically excepted reasons, the church is not trying to hurt them or rub salt in the wound when we preach against divorce. Our job, as forgiven sinners ourselves, is to love the sinner—especially when they have gone through some unimaginable trauma that has led to a divorce or abortion. But that cannot, must not stop us from continuing to represent the truth of God’s Word concerning divorce or abortion. Let’s say you have two children, Heloise and Herman. Heloise who is 10 years old steals a toy from the neighbor child, Hector. She is caught, punished and gives the toy back. All is well. It would not be right to remind Heloise how bad a thing she did when she stole every morning at breakfast, or to keep bringing up to her how badly she hurt Hector, would it? But little brother Herman, who is only four years old and living in the same house, needs to learn the basic truth that it is wrong to steal things from others. When such discussion comes up at the dinner table and Heloise hears you, her parent, talking about how bad it is to steal, she remembers taking Hector’s toy and she feels you are shaming her all over again. You’re not, though. You are simply teaching what you need to teach as a parent. Your obligation to instruct little Herman does not get suspended because Heloise might feel bad. Your job is a tough one as you handle two important responsibilities. First, reassure Heloise that she is forgiven and that we all do wrong things sometimes, but she is loved and a part of the family and all. Second, make it clear to four-year old Herman that stealing is wrong, just as you did for Heloise when she was four. The church cannot forego representing the truth concerning divorce and remarriage because it’s politically incorrect or because so many in the church have gone through it, and we might stir up guilt feelings in them. Nor should the church judgmentally and legalistically preach against divorce and remarriage as though it were the worst sin anyone could commit. Blending truth and love is the most difficult balancing act there is. But we can do it, if we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and if we love our neighbor as ourselves. But Ephesians 4:15 teaches that a key part of our maturing in Christ is our speaking the truth in love. …speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Lord, give us the mix of tough and tender that You exercised when you forgave the adulterous woman and told her to go and sin no more! I know that fully one third of the families here today have been directly involved in a divorce, and if we included parents and children that would jump to two thirds. Please know that when I or anyone else here preaches and teaches on a subject like divorce and remarriage we do so because as the obedient church we cannot afford to soft sell the Word of God. We will speak the truth. But know also that you are loved and valued, and the genuine concern of leadership at this church is that you experience the healing that comes from God’s grace and forgiveness, just as the rest of us sinners need the same. Why is Post-divorce Marriage Considered Adultery? Back to Matthew 19:9. When Jesus says that the person who marries another after divorcing his spouse commits adultery, what exactly does He mean? Some interpret this as meaning that the divorced person is actually still married to the original spouse, so to marry another is to render the sexual intimacy of the second marriage adulterous. These interpreters often even insist that God wants them to leave the second spouse (who is not their spouse at all) and go back to their original spouse. But God’s Word comes nowhere close to such advice. Jesus does emphasize the primary legitimacy of the first marriage. In fact, I believe that is His point in making this strong statement. In effect it says to the person contemplating divorce, Look at how serious this decision is: God wills that your marriage endure, and you are not only dissolving it, but also marrying another person, thus nullifying the possibility of reconciling with your first spouse. That’s just like adultery! It is adultery! Here is another faulty application of this text. Some say this means that the person who remarries commits adultery over and over with each occurrence of marital coitus with the new spouse. This is spurious reasoning at best and unnecessarily condemning. When two people marry, biblically speaking, they’re married. If the process of divorce that occurred prior to that remarriage was a sin before God, and the remarriage was likewise not His will, okay, repentance and forgiveness are in order. But that does not “unmarry” the couple. The important question for a believer is this: am I honestly living in faith right now, doing what I know is God’s will and loving and serving Him? There is no kingdom value in brooding over forgiven sins. If we had to constantly be scrutinizing all of our past mistakes we would be paralyzed with guilt and useless for any good purpose in God’s kingdom. When God forgives, we are FORGIVEN. There are often messy consequences in life from our sins, and we normally have to live with them, but no matter how heinous our previous sins, the blood of Christ is enough. The apostle briefly recalled his life before his conversion—the times when he persecuted the church and stood as official witness to the imprisonment and even assassination of Christians. If He didn’t know that God’s forgiveness was real, how could he live with himself, and how could he preach the gospel? As it was, he finished the entire discussion with these words: …forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. [webmasters note: Philippians 3:13-14] Again, I think we need to be reminded that adultery is not the unpardonable sin. The forgiveness that Jesus died on the cross to provide for us is sufficient. And if you run into a good Bible teacher who preaches on Matthew 19 or 1 Corinthians 7 or Malachi 2:16 (“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel), he’s not trying to stir up unnecessary guilt and shame in you, he is reminding the rest of the Body of Christ (and you) of God’s perfect will. (And if it’s clear the teacher is trying to shame you as a forgiven child of God, then he is not a good Bible teacher.) Advice for the Divorced and Remarried I want to bring three quick exhortations here: 1. If you were wrong in ending your first marriage and/or remarrying, repent sincerely before God and ask for God’s forgiveness. If you are guilty of ANY sin, repent before God and seek His forgiveness. 2. Seek the forgiveness of anyone you have hurt in your life, and try to work toward reconciliation and healthy relationships. This is what forgiven Christians do. 3. And do your best to serve Christ in your current marriage. Be the best Christian husband or wife you can be in His strength. Advice for All of Us I want to close with a word of counsel to all of us. This is an important, but under-taught principle. 1 Corinthians 7 is another passage that deals with marriage, divorce and remarriage. In the second half of that chapter, the apostle Paul is discussing the “other exception clause”. Verse 13: And if a woman has a husband who is who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. . .But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. Following that section the apostle lays out what I call the principle of vocation. Verse 17: ...each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. I trust you see the significance of this concept. We are taught here that whatever state or circumstance we find ourselves in when we come to Christ, we are to see that as our calling, until the Lord changes it. This is profound. If you were married when you came to Christ, don’t crave singleness. And don’t use your faith as an excuse or reason to change. If you were married, Paul counsels, don’t seek to be married, unless God leads you to that state. If you were a Jew when you were saved, don’t give that Jewishness up. There is a reason you have that background. If you were a Gentile when you came to Christ, don’t seek to become Jewish. Stay where you are and serve the Lord with all your heart. He also illustrates by using slavery. If you were a slave when you came to Christ, don’t crave freedom just because you’re a Christian now. Verse 21 teaches the slave should take freedom if it’s offered to him, though. In other words, see your current situation in life in terms of being your “vocation,” your calling. God has something He wants you to do in that circumstance or He’d put you elsewhere. Any changes ought to be clearly those God gives us, not things that we crave. There it is—the principle of vocation. You see? Marriage is a vocation. Singleness is a vocation. All our life’s circumstances are sanctified by the Lord for His purposes. So if you’re married, remain married and be the best Christian husband you can be. If you’re single, use your opportunities wisely to serve the Lord, until and unless the Lord gives you a wife or husband. If you’re an hourly wage-earner, don’t crave to be a self-made millionaire, an entrepreneur—unless God clearly leads you there. He has you where He wants to use you right now, right here!   [Back to Top]