SPEECH: MAKING OR BREAKING MARRIAGE

SPEECH: MAKING OR BREAKING MARRIAGE James 3:2-12 February 13, 2011 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introduction On September 11, 1995, a squirrel climbed on the Metro-North Railroad power lines near New York City. There the little grey guy lost his life by electrocution, and set off an electrical surge. The surge caused an overhead bracket to melt, which in turn severed a wire that fell and dangled just above tracks. The next train blew through in just moments and the dangling wire got snagged on the speeding train. As the train pulled the wire at 50 miles an hour it tore down all the lines in that sector of the route.   As a result, 47,000 commuters were stuck in Manhattan for hours that evening. It was just a little squirrel—just a little bracket—just a single wire—but the damage and inconvenience it caused was huge. Today, James teaches us that even something as small as the human tongue can cause a lot of damage. Of course, we know that. Vice president Joe Biden has shown how a slip of the tongue can cause quite a stir. Actually, we’ve all proven that true, haven’t we? It’s a sure bet that given a little time an enough opportunity, each of us will say something stupid or sinful. We’ll embarrass ourselves, grieve the Holy Spirit and offend the people around us—and often it’s those we love. Jesus said, Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. And James has already made it clear that all our temptations and sinful behavior arise from our own sinful desires (1:14). Now as James moves on to his new subject, the misuse of the tongue (that is, sinful speech), he makes it clear how central our speech is to all matters of holy living. In fact, he says, if we can learn to bridle our tongue, we will have self-control in other areas as well. Verse 2: We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. My interest this morning is to, first of all, clarify what it is the Holy Spirit is saying to the first century and twenty-first century church, and then apply that teaching to a pivotal area of life: the marriage relationship. Those who are not married here this morning need not leave or sleep through the message, though, because as you’ll see, these truths apply in all life’s relationships. Back to verse 2. Here we learn how critically important it is to learn to control our tongue (speech). James says that if you can control your tongue you can control the rest of your body—which is to say, all the rest of your life. Speech—what we say and how we say it—is so important that it actually governs a great deal of the rest of our lives. When warning against speaking too quickly in making a vow that we don’t intend to keep, Ecclesiastes 5:6 says, Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. Proverbs 13:3 says He who guards his lips guards his soul, for he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Proverbs 21:23 says He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. And 1 Peter 3:10 teaches: Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. Three Illustrations In a very straightforward fashion James serves up three helpful illustrations so we can follow his reasoning about the tongue as the control center, the steering mechanism and the consistency regulator. First, to illustrate how our tongues serve as a control center, James turns for example to the bit in a horse’s mouth. If you learn to control your tongue—the way you talk and what you say, God’s promise is that you will automatically find more self-control in all the other areas of your life. Verse 5 also picks up on how mighty this little body part is – Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body . . . Nobody warned us better of the danger of a little match in a forest of dry tinder than Smokey the Bear. Listen, fellow Christians: what you say and the way you say it is highly volatile. Be careful, be spiritually controlled and directed in your speech. So, the tongue is like a control mechanism for the whole life of the believer, just as a bit and bridle helps the rider control his steed. Next, James sets out to explain how the tongue is the actual instrument that steers our lives in these areas of life. As your speech goes, so goes your life. Again, the tongue is a fiery little body part. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (vs. 6) So integral to our holiness is our tongue that we can actually grow in holiness by learning to steer our speech away from the carnality and banality of this world into the kind of edifying speech the New Testament calls us to. See Ephesians 4:29ff. I hope you are catching how significant this is. James is saying that if you want to grow in holiness, here is a major method for doing so: pray for self-control in your speech and work at making it better. One of the most common subjects of interest I’ve noted among new, young believers is how concerned they are with their “cussing”. And that is a very good thing. I used to say “Don’t worry about it; trust God and He will change that, too.” Not any more. Now I say, “Get to work on that and stop cussing.” James says that self-discipline is a means of growth for Christians. The third illustration James uses is a little different. Let’s read verses 9-12 – With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. This is what we feel when we allow ourselves to fall into sin, then suddenly realize what we’re doing is in stark contrast to who we are. “I’m, a child of God—saved by His grace and called to live a life worthy of His calling! This behavior, this attitude, this way of living is not right! I have to repent!” This is particularly relevant when it comes to our speech. Words that dishonor God and offend and ruin others are hardly appropriate on the tongue of one of God’s redeemed. James says, “Let this shock you! Be alarmed that such speech that is so inconsistent with who you are is coming out of your mouth!” Verse 11 - Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers c, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. In Brazil, not far from where our friends and missionaries are stationed in the Amazon region near Manaus, there is a world famous confluence of waters—two rivers coming together to widen the great Amazon River. It’s called Encontros das Aguas (“the meeting of waters”). The Rio Negro has almost black water, coming as it does out of the rich and dense areas of forested land. This river runs only . about 2 km per hour, and is rather warm water (28 degrees Celsius) It is pictured to the left on the slide. The other river, the Rio Solimoes is six degrees colder and actually flows 2-to3 times faster than the Rio Negro. Because of their differences, when these two rivers meet, they really don’t meet. They simply run alongside one another for miles before the darker and lighter waters even begin to mix. The difference in water colors can be seen in this picture which is taken a mile downstream of the Encontros das Aguas. When I hear about this phenomenon it reminds me of the stunned surprise of James as he talks about the worldly and hurtful language coming out of the sanctified mouths of people who on a different weekday use their voices to praise God in worship. James calls on believers to stop the inconsistency of forked tongues, and to speak in godly terms and in godly, edifying manner. The Spirit of God longs to control our speech and keep it consistent. How we talk on Sunday morning ought to be the same as how we talk on Friday night or Wednesday afternoon. These three illustrations (really, four, counting the metaphor of fire) grab our attention and speak graphically and emphatically of our need to be controlled, spiritual and consistent in how we talk. Listen, we do not have the luxury of waiting for God to change our speech and make it holy and edifying and a source of blessing to Him and others who hear us. We are called to get busy and clean up our potty mouths! And when we do, we actually gain strength in other areas of spiritual disciplines. One Direct Application I promised you that I wanted to relate this teaching specifically and directly to a hugely important area of life—marriage. I am going to be direct and succinct, in the style of James. First: Men and women, you must stop talking like the world. From texting to talking, from swear words to sex talk, grow up and grow past childish, rude and unholy speech. When your speech rises no higher than the gutter, God is not glorified, your witness is nullified and you’ve basically snubbed your God and said, “I don’t care what you want; this is the way I communicate.” Did we cover that? Did you feel the Spirit of God just spank you? Now let me speak to marriage. It is in your power, and particularly in the power of your tongue, to establish your marriage and make it stronger, better, deeper, more satisfying and more God-pleasing, OR to keep yourself starved of true intimacy, vulnerable to continual arguments and misunderstanding, and frankly unhappy in the one relationship that God most wants you to be satisfied and happy. Men, LOVE your wives with your speech. Women, SHOW RESPECT for your husbands with your speech. I invite you to re-read Ephesians 5:20 and following to identify these two commands squarely presented to husbands and wives. Guys, the way you speak to your wives is a direct reflection of how much you love and honor God. He is telling you in His Word to care for this woman in meaningful ways when you speak to her and when you speak about her. 1 Peter 3:7 commands us to be considerate as we live with our wives, and to honor them as the weaker partner and as heirs with us of the gracious gift of life.   When you are mean or inconsiderate, you are stupid. Mean and inconsiderate treatment of your wife is a bold statement that you will not obey God, and it is foolishness because you are sabotaging your chances of a better, more satisfying future with her. Both of those are stupid. Here is a short list of things to do to be considerate in speech: 1. Shut up and listen. Stop talking, stop “fixing” things, stop ignoring the grand source of inspired, intuitive wisdom God has given you in your wife. Listen to her, look into her eyes, hear her heart. Listen, then keep listening to the echo of what she said. 2. Quiet down and talk with care. Let me ask you, do you have a best buddy? Another man whom you really love and consider a gift from God? Do you yell at him, ignore him and talk mean about him? Why would you do that to your wife? 3. Open up and speak from your heart. Listen one more time, guys: she wants to know how you feel! Don’t do it for your wife—do it for God. As a man who has been happily married for 41.655 years, thanks to God’s grace and not my own ingenuity or goodness, I am here to tell you two things: 1) When your wife truly believes she is loved by you, she is going to bless you beyond your wildest imagination. And, 2) it is not too late to start investing your love and edifying speech in the life of your spouse. _________ Ladies, if you don’t show your husband respect you are cutting off your lifeline to the kind of love you need. We men are self-centered oafs who really believe we have an important role in your life, and if we don’t feel respected, it’s much harder for us to give you the kind of love and tenderness you deserve. 1. Pray and don’t nag. It is the height of carnality and folly to believe that if you keep saying the same thing it will suddenly work. You know that doesn’t work—or shouldn’t—when your kids try it! Instead of needling or manipulating your man to get what you want, drop it and go ask God for Him to move in his life. Not only do you have the promise of your faithful God to answer your prayers, you will also drive your husband crazy wondering what happened, because you’re not nagging him. 2. Affirm your husband. You may feel like there is nothing good to affirm, but pray about it and keep looking. Find some of the really good qualities in his life and tell him how much you appreciate them. I guarantee you, you’ll soon find more to affirm. This is the most powerful use of speech you will ever find: affirm and encourage him in love. 3. Use make-up. I’m not talking about real color and cream make-up for your skin (although, as they say, if the barn needs painting, paint it!), but the unfading inner beauty of gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (1 Peter 3:4) Develop the charm of a quiet heart and a warm smile, the deep peace of a woman who loves God and draws daily from her meditation on His Word. Let God’s Holy Spirit do a make-over on you. For goodness sake, keep trying to look pretty for him, but know that you’re never going to win the battle over gravity and wrinkles. But God has built your man to long for that gentle and quiet spirit He is wanting to build in you. Don’t do it for you husband—do it for God. Ladies, don’t short change yourself. Ephesians 5 is very clear on this. There is a reciprocal blessing that accrues to the husband who loves his wife and the wife who respects her husband. Him loving you will free you to respect him; your respecting him frees him to love you. And never insist that it’s “his turn, after all,” because the answer to the question “Whose turn is it?” is always, “It’s your turn.” Conclusion Men and women, we have a gift from God—a tool designed and perfected by Him in all His wisdom—that will help us to help our spouses and our marriages to become all that they are supposed to be in Him. It is your speech: how you talk to, and about, your spouse. If you will do what you know you need to do to build up your spouse in godly fashion, God is faithful and will bless you with marital happiness beyond your fondest hope on your wedding day. It begins with your obedience to Him.     [ Back to Top]