Friends Come First

Example how Schwabe was a great friend before his wife.

Raise your hand if you've ever lost a friendship because of something stupid you did or something stupid your “so-called” friend did.

We've all been there. We've all been let down by friends and have even at times let our friends down.

This series is going to challenge us all to take a new approach to friendships.

I’ve heard many stories of friendships gone awry between people in this room. And after talking with many of you, I came to the conclusion that a series on friendships was long overdue.

Here's the only problem: I am not the best friend anyone could ask for. And I am definitely not the best person to be teaching on this topic. Thankfully, there are people I know who have been great examples of friendship in my life. There are also people who have written books about being a better friend. Much of this series will be knowledge I myself am learning about friendship, so this series as just as much for me as it is for all of you.

Now I'm not saying I am the worst friend anyone could have, but when I was your age I was pretty awful at being a good friend. And while I am still working on some things, I am much better at being a friend now than I ever was before.

Let me tell you some of the areas I’ve struggled with in friendships throughout my life:

· I wouldn’t think about my friends until I need something from them.

· When my friends and I would hang out, I only wanted to do what I wanted to do.

· I would openly tell my friends why I was better than them.

· I put conditions on my friendships.

· If I stopped being friends with someone, I thought to myself I could easily replace them.

You see, when everything is all about me, me, and me! And it proved to be a great way to be left friendless.

Now, despite all those terrible things I just mentioned, I still had friends, or at least I knew a lot of people who were willing to put up with me.

All of my friendships, except for maybe a few, were very one-sided. Everything revolved around me, and because of it, my friendships were very shallow and forgettable.

I love this quote from psycholoist Alfred Adler:

“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to other. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

Once you learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you, you will become a better friend.

Ever wondered why a dog is a man’s best friend? Because he is there for him no matter what. All day long he waits for him. And he gets so excited every time his owner comes home. A dog’s sole purpose is to give its owner nothing but love. A dog makes everything about you.

By some divine instinct, dogs know that they can make more friends in two months by being genuinely interested in other people, than they could in two years by trying to get people interested in them.

The fact of the matter is, we tend to be more interested in ourselves than in other people.

Need proof? Look at our conversations. Do you know which word is the most commonly used in phone, text, and email conversations? The word “I.” I, I, I, I, I, I,. How about when you see a picture of you with a group of friends... who do you look for first?

From our birth until the day we die, we must fight the tendency to be exclusively interested in ourselves.

Some of us are much better at hiding it.

Some of us are much better at thinking about others.

But in all of us, somewhere deep down there is a selfish desire to fulfill our own wants and desires before we ever think about other people.

And if we want to have healthy friendships, and healthy relationships in general, we have to look for ways to be put others first.

(NLT): Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

3 WAYS TO PUT FRIENDS FIRST

1. Friends listen first… then give advice.

Your friendships will rise and fall on your ability to listen.

Our friends are there for us to help us through our problems, right? If they are a good friend, they are available to us when we are in trouble. We trust them to give us good advice. But first, we just want them to be there to listen.

No one wants to be friends with someone who is always yapping on about themselves. And the person who just wants to tell you what to do without first listening to what you have to say, only cares about the sound of their own voice. They want you and everyone around them to hear just how smart they are and how they have it all together.

(VOICE):

To respond to a matter before you hear about it shows foolishness and brings shame.

I have been told I am a bad listener. Even though my ears are rather large, some would argue that they don’t work. It’s not always that I don't listen. I do listen, for the most part. It’s how I listen that’s the problem. It’s my posture. It’s my focus. It’s where my mind is when someone is sharing something with me.

Listening isn’t just about opening your ears; it’s about genuinely caring enough about the other person so that you stop everything else you are doing and give them your full attention.

Many people don’t want you to just listen with your ears. They want you to listen with your eyes. I know this because I am the #1 offender. I don’t listen well with my eyes. I don’t focus well. I’ll have my phone out.

I’ll think in my head, “Man, when is this person going to stop talking so I can leave?” That's only a little funny because sometimes, sadly, it’s true.

It goes back to what I said before: We tend to only be interested in ourselves, in what we are doing. Our selfish, sinful nature make us bad listeners.

Do you want to have good friendships? Shut your mouth, stop what you are doing, and be a good listener.

Side note: Want your parents to not get so angry at you when they are asking you to do something or just talking to you? LOOK AT THEM. Stop playing your video game, get off Facebook, put your cell phone down for a minute, and listen to them... with your eyes and your ears.

Many of us go to our friends or to other adults to get advice, but deep down, we are just looking for someone to listen. So think about that when someone opens up to you. After you listen, after they talk, cry, throw stuff, and get angry— then follow it up with your advice.

Simply ask them things like, “What can I do to help?” “What do you think you should do?” And help them process their next steps in whatever situation they are facing.

The reason is my favorite verse is because I am constantly having to quote it to my self: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (NLT).

Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Listen… speak…

I can’t tell you how many times this verse has kept me from saying something stupid. It’s kept me from interrupting friends, students, and even my boss. And then there are times when I forget to quote it to myself and those are the times when I regret what comes out of my mouth.

Good friends listen first and give advice second.

2. Friends overlook faults first… They forgive (Story about throwing schwabe in the bushes)

Raise your hand if have faults. Yep, we all do.

Our friends are going to mess up. They are going to make mistakes just like we do. And what will make that friendship stronger is our ability overlook those times when they mess up.

Friends who are willing to fight through tough times together will have long-lasting friendships and enjoy each other more.

Despite the fact that we have all messed up and made mistakes, we still tend to come down hard when a friend wrongs us or makes a mistake.

A friend shares something we asked them not to share, so we do the same back. A friend chooses to hangout with someone else, so we choose ignore them for a while. A friend grabs the last doughnut before asking if we want it, so we smack it out of their hand.

You get the point. I’m sure you can think of many times when a friend did something to you or that affected you negatively, and instead of overlooking it, and getting past it, you let it destroy your friendship.

Good friendships happen when we are able to forgive and forget.

(VOICE):

If you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge. If you don’t want to be condemned, don’t condemn. If you want to be forgiven, forgive.

Don't be so quick to judge or condemn a friend who has messed up. Give them a second chance, a third chance, and maybe even a fourth chance. Give them the chance you would want to be given.

One disclaimer: if you have a friend who does nothing but use, abuse, and hurt you, over and over and over again, that’s what’s called a one-sided friendship. If your friend continually hurts you but never apologizes or admits he or she did anything wrong, sometimes it is best to end the friendship.

But most friends won’t treat you that way. Be quicker to forgive than to get even or terminate a friendship.

3. Friends put the needs of others first… before their own needs.

If you know my wife, Christine, at all— if you have been exposed to her for even a minute— you would want to be around her all the time.

And it’s because from the moment you meet her, she begins to put your needs before her own. She will do whatever she can to help you, to provide for you, to get you through a tough time.

She puts others’ needs before her own, almost to a fault. She is so good at putting other people before herself that she tends to push her own needs and desires aside.

If a world of people who only think of themselves, someone who puts your needs before their own is a breath of fresh air.

My wife has played huge role in helping me become a better friend. The “put others first” mentality is very contagious and it makes me want to do the same.

The best path to great friendships is to figure out what others need rather than demand what we want from them.

Earlier I shared . Paul continues in verses 4 and 5: “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. In other words, adopt the mind-set of Jesus the Anointed. Live with His attitude in your hearts” (NLT).

In order for us to learn how to have better friendships here on earth, we must first get our friendship with God in order. We have to get our vertical relationship right before we can have solid horizontal friendships.

A good friend is selfless. A good friend is willing to do anything for someone else. says, “There is no greater way to love than to give your life for your friends” (VOICE).

Jesus was the ultimate model of a good friend. And it’s not until we strive to be more like him that we are able to be a good friend to others. If you want to have good friendships, you have to get your relationship in order with God.

I've been a follower of Christ for a long time— but that doens’t mean I am the best friend in the world. As I told you before, I am still figuring out how I can be a better friend. The only difference from who I used to be to who I am now is the fact that I have the example of Jesus that I strive after every day.

Beginning a relationship with Jesus isn’t going to get you solid friends overnight. It isn't going to instantly make you the best friend any one could ask for, but it will give you a model to strive after.

If you read about him, if you study what he did and how he put others first, and you take on an attitude of selflessness, your friendships can only get better and better.

A true friend of Jesus is a great friend of other people.

If you want to get your horizontal friendships in order, you must start by beginning a vertical relationship with Jesus.

If you would say you have jacked up many good friendships, and you are tired of your friendships ending abruptly; if you want to be a better listener, you want to encourage more, and you want to start putting others needs before your own; it all starts by beginning a relationship with Jesus.

Jesus is the ultimate friend. And we can experience greater friendships when we become more like him.

If you want to begin that vertical friendship with Jesus tonight, would you please raise your hand.

Thanks so much for your courage. Let’s pray.