The Cycle of Domestic Violence

Introduction

November is Domestic Violence Awareness month. We live in a society today that culturally we have swept abuse and dysfunction under the rug. We give excuses for the abuser and we find ways to blame the victim. There is no excuse for abuse, the church should a part of the healing process. Trauma is real and triggers are real. Today’s society has brought to light the effect of abuse from things such as the #metoo movement and other women and men speaking out. Be mindful that 60 percent of instances of abuse go unreported every year.

We live in a society that uses excuses such as

Well you should not have worn that.

You knew what type of person he/she is.

Oh well it happens to a lot of people, you are the first and you wont be the last.

I do not believe you, I know her/him, they would never do anything like that.

If you have dealt with such trauma on any level, physically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally. Seek the help that is out there. Talk to a therapist, seek professional help. Spiritual guidance is good but nonetheless we ought to be emotionally mature enough to seek the help we need.

In this specific text we see the danger of cycles and patterns that are detrimental to us personally and our families as a whole. If you have experienced abuse, or any trauma related experience a conversation should be had to prepare your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

We are cognizant of David’s experience with Bathsheba, the sin of having sex with someone else’s wife. Having her husband killed meanwhile impregnating Bathsheba. This cycle of sin spilled over to his children in which the bible says “Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.”

Here we have Amnon and Tamar, in this story Amnon forces himself on his own sister. We may look at this story with the eye of “that would never happen in my family”. This text brings to live the fact that 90 percent of victims know their abuser.

Recognize When Things Are Off

Just because people share the same lineage does not mean they are mentally healthy.

“Now it was after this that Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her”.

The text says that Amnon loved his sister, this type of love in the sense of affection for a lover, that he loved her sexually, or coined to human appetite for love in a fleshly way.

Then we see that he became so frustrated at his unnatural feelings for his sister that he became ill. This word frustrated in this text means that Amnon had become consumed, hampered or depressed at the expense of these feelings.

Keep in mind that Amnon engages in self harm “he becomes so depressed that he made himself sick”.

Recognize the signs, evil communication corrupts good morals. We hear the adage that birds of a feather flock together.

Verse 3, But Amnon had a friend whose name Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man. Verse 4 - Verse 6 We see the plan conspired by Jonadab. The ironic thing is his name actually means to impel or contribute. In other words his name mean to force or contributing to forcing something to happen.

Be mindful of who your kids are around. Family or not, we have to be very careful who are children spend time with.

It is quite ironic that Amnon’s name actually means faithful, but if we are not careful we can be enticed by the wrong people and become faithful to the wrong thing.

The Cycle of Abuse

Amnon’s abuse of his sister was not something that was uncommon to his family. If we take a look at David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him he lay with her, and when she had purified herself from her uncleanness, she returned to her house.

The bible says David “took” her, understand that the word took in this text means he grabbed her, seized her...

It was biblically unacceptable to lay with a woman during this time of the month.

Also David was out of order in the first place because this woman was not his wife.

We have to understand that cycles in our family if not stopped will repeat themselves. So here we have David guilty, now his partakes in a similar violation by inflicting harm on his sister, which therefore eventually with lead to Absalom killing his brother out of anger of what Tamar experienced.

Amnon being in the irrational state that he is in pretends to be ill.

Request from his father that Tamar make him something to eat.

Like any sister, being nurturing looks after her brother.

It is a shame when people take advantage of your goodwill. This is what we have to look out for. Also, we must know that we cannot trust everyone, even it is family.

Amnon violates God’s law according to If there is a man who takes his sister, his father’s daughter or his mother’s daughter, so that he sees her nakedness and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace; and they shall be cut off in the sight of the sons of their people. He has uncovered his sister’s nakedness; he bears his guilt.

Be mindful that David violated the law in the next scripture, If there is a man who lies with a menstruous woman and uncovers her nakedness he has laid bare her flow, and she has exposed the flow of her blood; thus both of them shall be cut off among their people.

We see this cycle of sin and how it can affect your family greatly.

Verse 11 Amnon makes a request, but in verse 12 she says “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing”. This word disgraceful in this text means stupidity or willful sin.

For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth there no longer remains a sacrifice for sin.

Although this is bringing light to the sacrifice that Jesus made but I believe it is applicable to this text. She even pleads with Amnon by explaining that he would be like the other fools in Israel or men that were a disgrace to their race.

Prior to this happening the bible tells us that Amnon sent everyone out of the room. This should have been another red flag, culturally unmarried daughters were kept in close seclusion of men, could not be around strangers or relatives of the opposite sex without a witness.

The lust has consumed Amnon so much that he violated her, she even pleads with Amnon to speak to the King. She was willing to consider marriage to appease the lustful appetite of her brother.

Do not ignore the red flags. Typically abusers have extremes in demeanor in attitude and are notorious for blaming the victim for their acts of abuse.

I did this because you made me mad.

Look what you made me do.

It is not unusual for violent people of irregular passions to do this type of thing. He most likely has feelings of shame, remorse and the fear of punishment he dumps his anger on his sister.

Status does not free you from abuse this happens to poor women and rich women alike.

Death by Abuse

What we have to understand is that the trauma of abuse can kill a person spiritually and sometimes cause people to inflict harm to themselves.

Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment which was on her; and she put her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.

Culturally someone would put ashes on their head as a sign of mourning. She even ripped the robe that signified her purity.

Going through something of this magnitude will ensure mourning, but be mindful of who Jesus is. He has the power to heal the deepest and darkest of wounds.

Be cognizant of your feelings…Be aware of your past. It does not make you any less of a person or unintelligent because you have been abused but know God can heal you.

Conclusion

tIt was customary that the older brother would be the caretaker of his sisters. This is why she seeks comfort from her brother Absalom. The issue is that the cycle does not stop it is just enhanced because instead of Absalom seeking God to be his avenger he takes matters into his own hands and kills his brother. Do not sweep the dirt of family history under the rug, it does nothing but leave room for rugs to be pulled up and cycles to continue to be reinforced. We have to end cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and dysfunction. God desires that there be peace in our families, not hidden cycles of deceit and abuse.