Raising Godly Children

Ephesians 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.[1]

P

arenting is a risky role to assume in today’s world. Perhaps that helps to explain the apparent dearth of men willing to be fathers—though there seems to be no lack of men willing to sire children—and the seeming paucity of women committed to the welfare of their children at the expense of their own desires and/or careers. Perhaps this inherent risk is associated with the lack of vibrant Sunday School programmes among the churches of this day.

The wife of a former President of the United States popularised a saying about child rearing. The saying, “it takes a village to raise a child,” is actually a half-truth. Indeed, social constraints once played a prominent role in moulding character in children. Unfortunately, the modern village is obviously confused as to what constitutes righteousness, and therefore that village destroys the children for which it so blithely assumes responsibility. It is fair to say that a church is a village, and each member of that village bears a degree of responsibility for the children God has entrusted to us.

I do not mean to imply that any of us has the right to intrude in family matters for another family. Neither do I have any right to insist that you must adopt my particular ideas of raising children. However, I do mean to state quite clearly that I am responsible as a Christian to pray for your family, and that you, as a fellow believer, are responsible to pray for my family. I am responsible to be concerned about the welfare of your family, and you are responsible to be concerned about the welfare of my family. Together, we are responsible to care enough to strengthen one another and to build our families so that Christ is honoured in the way we live.

I properly assume that every parent wants the best for his or her children. I am certain that each parent wants his or her children to grow to be responsible citizens, to be successful in life, and to be good, moral and ethical in their conduct. I do not believe that any of us want our children to be less than a benediction to the love and training we invest in them. The hopes we have for our children are hopes that were once shared throughout society as a whole. I am less certain that this is the case today.

Contemporary society seems intent on destroying character, engineering a brave, new being in the persons of our children. Definitions of family, of good and evil, of moral behaviour, are all in the throes of redefinition. A few of us Christians, viewed as reactionary dinosaurs, stand in the way of complete transformation of social standards. Some think that government is the primary, or even the sole force dictating these changes; however, it is evident to me that we have forgotten righteousness and godliness. The pulpit seems incapable of speaking clearly to identify sin, and the churches have proven unwilling to hold professing Christians accountable for their actions.

I cannot change what has gone before. Some of our children may indeed drift into spiritual oblivion, though I believe it is never too late to stand firm in insisting on righteousness, and that it is never too late to pray mightily for our children. However, the message today is aimed at strengthening the hand of the congregation and strengthening the resolve of those whose children are yet in the home through pointing to scriptural principles that must be applied if evil will be averted. Join me in examination of the Apostle’s caution in the encyclical we have received as the Letter to the Ephesians.

Children are to be Taught to Obey Parents — Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. I am a child of the sixties, the era that stressed doing your own thing, whatever that thing may be. Hosea said it well many years ago when he charged that Israel had sowed the wind, and consequently, they would reap the whirlwind [Hosea 8:7]. Doing one’s own thing leads inevitably to seating oneself at the centre of the universe. Emphasising personal rights without accepting corresponding responsibilities leads to production of rude, self-centred, insufferable brats.

I seriously doubt that any of us wish our children to be rude, and yet it seems that today there is a bull market for rudeness, beginning with children! It will not be especially helpful to inveigh against the decline of manners in society, but it is imperative that I confront parents and children with the Word of God so that we will honour God. Though the world may neglect manners, Christians must be well-mannered people.

There is a truth that is easily neglected in our rush to embrace modern culture. Underscore in your mind the language Paul uses. He directly addresses children! Therefore, we may be confident that children were present in the assembly when this letter was read. There was no children’s church! Did you catch this fact? The children of Christian parents participated in the worship of the assembly.

Who were the children that Paul addressed? The term teknon (children) speaks of relationship more than it does of age. The word included anyone who still enjoyed a relationship with his or her parent in the home. My dad used to say that so long as my feet fit under his table, I would do what he said. His expectation bears a biblical imprimatur. If you are sharing the service, and you are still living in the home of your parent(s), you are addressed by this term “children.” What follows is directed to you.

How artificial is our contemporary division of people into age groups, with the concomitant delay in assuming responsibility! There are no teenagers in the Bible! By that, I mean that either one was a child in the home, and as such immediately responsible to his or her parents, or one assumed the responsibility of an adult, living apart from his or her parents. Therefore, the children Paul addresses likely included all children from toddlers to those prepared to step into adult responsibility at age fourteen.

It seems to me that modern Christian parents are anxious to be undisturbed, willing to entrust the training of their children to others, so that their “worship” will be uninterrupted. However, parents are responsible for the religious education of their children, and especially are fathers responsible to train their children in religious matters. Today, we willingly surrender the responsibility for religious education of our children, consoling ourselves in the belief someone else is teaching them about Christ. However, the fact that our children are bored with the Faith and leave the church at the earliest opportunity belies our hopes as unfounded. The fact that they are more eager for games and fun than for study of the Word reveals that we have bought a lie.

“’Obey’ is hupakouç, the simple verb meaning ‘to hear,’ the prefixed preposition, ‘under,’ the compound verb meaning, ‘to hear under,’ that is, ‘to hear under authority.’ The verb is in the present imperative, which construction commands habitual, constant obedience here.”[2] It is expected that children will cultivate the habit of obedience to their parents, and especially in the realm of the spiritual.

Children are to obey their parents in the Lord. God does not command children to obey parents without qualification, but obedience is enjoined only as far as parents direct the child’s life for good and for God. No child is required to be immoral or unethical or criminal because of a parent’s malfeasance. The knowledge that children are susceptible to the example of parents should make us even more conscientious to do what is right, knowing that we are training the child for life, modeling the government of Heaven itself.

There are a number of reasons children should heed the command. Children in a Christian home are to obey their parents, because their parents are Christians. We have a tendency to isolate verses from the context. I remind those who have previously read this letter that this is part of an entire section of the letter that begins with instruction on how to live as a Christian. Ephesians 5:1 begins, be imitators of God. The discussion leads naturally into a command to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ [Ephesians 5:21] that moves from the general to the particular. Wives are required to be submissive to their own husbands [Ephesians 5:22-24]. Likewise, husbands are required to love their wives selflessly [Ephesians 5:25-33]. Children, the product of the love shared by husbands and wives, are then taught to obey their parents.

Though they cannot always understand the value of their position as result of living in a Christian home when they are young, there is great benefit for children raised in a godly environment. Paul makes a startling statement in his first Corinthian letter. In 1 Corinthians 7:14, the Apostle asserts that the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. This is a revealing statement, because it indicates quite clearly that an unbelieving spouse benefits from the righteousness of a believing partner. I do not want to gloss over this vital truth; however, for the purpose of this message, it is the latter portion of the verse that is beneficial. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Christians are to marry Christians. To do otherwise is to be disobedient to the Lord [see 1 Corinthians 7:39, only in the Lord]. However, for those who become Christians following marriage, their continued presence in the marriage relationship brings blessing to that home, and the unsaved mate benefits from blessing to the Christian. The believer exerts spiritual influence that may lead to salvation for the unbelieving spouse. The unbelieving spouse enjoys God’s spiritual protection extended to the believing mate.

I am not advocating marriage while harbouring the thought that the believer will convert the unbeliever; that almost never happens because of the believer’s disobedience! However, a believing parent exerts a degree of spiritual influence on children born into the family, and they may become believers. The principle that is important for us to understand is that God blesses the lost because of the saved. Certainly, the chance that children will be saved is better because they have a believing parent. Consider how much greater is the blessing of a child born into the home of two Christians.

Children are required to obey their parents, because it is right. There is order in nature, ordained by God, and that order argues for the rightness of parental oversight of children. Parents brought children into the world. Parents have more knowledge and more wisdom, than does the child—even when the child is a young adult! Even in the animal world, the young obey adults. A young bear cub quickly learns to obey the mother bear, knowing that her wrath is a terrible thing to behold.

Obedience to one’s parents is right because the good order of the family, and ultimately, the good order of society, depends upon such obedience. Where children cease obedience of their parents, society falls into ruin.

Obedience to one’s parents is right because the welfare of the child depends upon such obedience.

Obedience of one’s parents is right because the child lacks the wisdom of the parent, and because that child will be incapable of being a good parent if he or she fails to learn to be submissive.

Obedience of one’s parents is right because parents are presumed qualified by age and experience to direct and guide the child. Godly parents desire the child’s welfare, and they will not abuse their authority lest it injure the child.

Obedience to one’s parents is right because the family government is designed to imitate the government of God. God presents Himself as our Heavenly Father. He calls us His children, and we obey Him. Children that are disobedient to their parents will not obey God. Children that are most obedient to their father and mother are most like to become Christians.

Children are to obey their parents, because obedience is commanded. If we refuse to obey the Word of God at this point, at what point will we begin to obey the Word? Paul cites the fifth commandment of the Decalogue in emphasising these instructions, and I remind you that each of the Ten Commandments is repeated and endorsed in the New Testament with the sole exception of the commandment to observe the Sabbath. Obedience to parents can amount to obedience to God, therefore.

I ask you to take particular note of the way in which God treats this command in Deuteronomy 5:16. Honour your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. This citation from Deuteronomy, the restatement of God’s Law, reminds the people that they are to honour father and mother because God commands obedience.

“To honour someone is to evaluate that person accurately and honestly, and to treat him with the deference, respect, reverence, kindness, courtesy, and obedience which his station in life or his character demands.”[3] Honouring one’s parents is not accomplished through pursuing one’s own desires, but rather through showing courtesy and respect for those who brought you into this world.

“Obedience is the duty; honour is the disposition of which the obedience is born.”[4] Let me rephrase that so that no child misses the point. Obedience is the duty; honour is the attitude that ensures that obedience will be demonstrated toward a parent. The way to honour a parent is to obey them. If obedience is lacking in our world today, it is likely that there is little honour exhibited toward parents.

I have dwelt on this subject at some length, but there is yet another truth concerning obedience of one’s parents that should be immediately obvious for the reader. Children are to obey their parents because obedience brings blessing. The promise of the Fifth Command originally applied to the Jews as they entered Canaan, but Paul applies the promise to believers. Children who obey their parents can expect two blessings: things will go well with them, and they will live long in the land. God enriches the life of the obedient. Sin always robs us; obedience always enriches us.

Fathers are Responsible to Show Grace —Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. I have little doubt that when the Apostle addresses Fathers here, it is tacit acknowledgement of a father’s responsibility before God to be the leader in his home. Perhaps it is necessary to remind people that a father is not to be a tyrant in the home, but it is equally important to remind each of us that neither must a father abdicate responsibility to be the leader in the home. The temper of the home that is demonstrated to be honourable in the sight of God is determined by the attitude of the father.

We live in a society that would like to believe that there is no difference between mothers and fathers. This message has been trumpeted so often during the past four decades that hardly anyone questions whether it is true or false. Nevertheless, two men, two women, or even a commune, cannot raise children as well as can a mother and a father. Research consistently demonstrates that children require both a mother and a father to have the greatest opportunity for balance—socially, ethically, physically.[5]

It seems that society has rediscovered fatherhood. Fathers are now and then portrayed in a positive light in recent movies and even occasionally on television. Fathers are not necessarily the butt of lame jokes on sitcoms, but they may actually be seen as defenders and people who provide wise counsel—even to their daughters. Studies demonstrate the positive and necessary role of fathers in developing femininity in girls and masculinity in boys. Society may yet catch up to God.

This does not mean that fathers will not benefit from training to be better fathers. It simply affirms that fathers play a vital role in the development of their children into well-balanced men and women. Fathers must avoid the extremes of being uninvolved in training children or being overbearing and thus angering their children. It is this latter possibly that Paul first addresses. Moreover, the language implies that it is to be the intent and practise of a father not to antagonise his children. It must be your regular practise, if you are a father, to avoid irritating or provoking your children. If that is now your practise, stop it. Make it your goal to be an encourager and not a discourager.

Provoking a child to anger [parorgizç] is clearly condemned. The verb Paul uses is rare in the New Testament, occurring only here and in Romans 10:19. What the Apostle condemns are parents who nag or demean a child, persisting until the child reacts in anger. Mothers may have a reputation of nagging, but Paul especially cautions fathers against this dreadful assault against the child. The reason for this particular warning is that the child may become discouraged under prolonged criticism or failure of encouragement. This becomes apparent when we review the parallel passage in Colossians 3:21: Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Another reason to avoid irritating children is that Satan takes advantage of anger in order to gain a foothold, and a child can as readily create spiritual havoc in the home as can an adult. Earlier, Paul cautions against prolonged anger. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil [Ephesians 4:26, 27]. The context does permit family relationships just as it does ecclesiastical relationships. We are concerned for healthy relationships both in the church and in the home.

Parents, and especially fathers, are to keep the goal of obedience in view. Obedience, not resentment, must be sought through application of parental discipline. That concept brings us to the positive aspect of Paul’s instruction for fathers, which is the requirement to discipline their children.

Fathers are Responsible to Discipline Children, Especially in the Lord —Fathers, bring [your children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Fathers are the governmental head of the family. Therefore, they are charged with primary responsibility for discipline. More than anything else, the Apostle here calls for balance, a commodity absent far too often in this day of excess. Fathers bear responsibility for discipline, but unfortunately, the meaning of “discipline” has been forgotten in this day, if we ever knew it. Discipline is discipleship of an individual. Discipline is moulding the individual.

In the church, discipline has the purpose of discipling an individual to the Lord and to His church. In the home, discipline aims to prepare the child to turn to Christ as Lord. Discipline does not mean primarily punishment, despite teaching to the contrary. Fathers are called to correct, not to punish, their children. Punishment speaks of revenge, but those who correct a child do so out of affectionate concern.

This does not mean there is no chastisement involved in discipline. The corrective aspect of discipline may be painful. I am not saying that children should never be forcefully corrected, but it does seem on occasion that children have trained their parents quite well to ensure that fathers and mothers do precisely what the children want done. Years ago, the then Duke of Windsor said, “Everything in the American home is controlled by switches—except the children.” Tragically, that view is too true.

We have forgotten the teaching of the Hebrews Letter. Listen to Hebrews 12:5-11. Have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

nor be weary when reproved by him.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

The words discipline and punishment that appear in this passage translate the same word that is translated discipline in our text. Judiciously applied, chastisement—when required—will assuredly assist in altering a child’s behaviour. It is indeed true that the Bible teaches us that to spare the rod is to reveal hatred for the child [see Proverbs 13:24], but as Martin Luther has said, “beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he has done well.”[6] We must remember that encouragement plays a greater role in development of the character than does punishment. Again, this is an issue of balance.

Fathers are to bring [their children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Though discipline is the stronger of the two words, discipline and instruction, are not unrelated, but rather the two concepts complement one another to ensure complete discipleship for the child. Discipline translates paideia, referring especially to the cultivation of the mind and morals. Instruction is a translation of the word nouthesia, which refers especially to training by word.[7] The two terms, in combination as they appear in this text, stress complete training through appeal to reason, though holding the possibility of action if word fails to secure the attention of the child. Dads, train your children through telling them what is right, and through doing what is right.

There is an insight that may be overlooked, which I must point out for your sake. The discipline and instruction enjoined of fathers is discipline and instruction in righteousness. Discipline and instruction that counts is discipline and instruction of the Lord—it is knowledge of Christ and knowledge of His will. Moral courage and ethical will are in view here. What does it matter if your child graduates from a prestigious school if she is ignorant of the grace of God? What does it matter if your child excels at athletics or the arts if he has no heart for God? What does it matter if your child is financially successful beyond your wildest imaginations if he does not value godliness?

Discipline and instruction of the Lord involve a father following Christ’s example. Certainly, this would encompass meekness and gentleness, even in the act of discipline [cf. 2 Corinthians 10:1]. Children are far more likely to learn the lessons of righteousness when parents themselves show the way. I am not saying that a wayward child is evidence of a parent’s failure to follow Christ, but it should be obvious that fathers will certainly fail at this business of discipline and instruction of the Lord if they are not themselves pursuing hard after Christ.

Raising godly children is an admittedly massive challenge, and it is made no easier by the contemporary emphasis on individual rights. Social engineers teach our children their “rights” although responsibilities are ignored until much later, if at all. Parents are assaulted with a constant barrage of advice detailing all the errors of the past and explaining the freedom contemporary thought will bring. As society exalts individualism, culture, developed over centuries, disintegrates and civility evaporates.

Let me speak pointedly to fathers for one brief moment. I am asking these questions with a desire to see our children grow to godly maturity. The questions will perhaps make fathers uncomfortable, but as we who are fathers accept the challenge presented in these questions, the benefits for our children will be eternal and inestimable.

Dad, do you read the Bible regularly? Do you read the Bible with your children? How will you teach your children what the Word of God says if you do not know that Word yourself? How can you speak of the will of God if you do not know that will through reading the Word of God, which reveals the will of God? How can a father teach with wisdom if that father does not know the wisdom of God?

Dad, do you pray with your children daily? Do your children know that you plead with God for them? Have they heard you pleading with God, asking for His blessings on their lives? How will they know to turn to God if they have never witnessed you turning to God? Have your children seen you walking in power, enjoying answered prayer? How can a father speak of God’s power if that father does not give evidence of power?

Tragically, the concept of the “Family Altar” is woefully neglected in this day. Children do not grow to adulthood witnessing their parents in prayer and witnessing their parents reading the Word.

Dad, are you walking in power? Are you walking in the Spirit? Do your children know you to be a godly man? Many of us settle for being a good man, but we are not godly men. We settle for less than God’s best, and as a consequence, our children are content to be a little less than we are, and we silently watch them slip away into spiritual irrelevance as they grow to adult years. Because we are content with spiritual mediocrity, each generation grows less spiritually perspicacious.

Children are not looking for perfect parents. Rather, children are looking for honest parents. An honest father, making every effort to know the will of God, infects his child with a desire to know God and to walk with Him.

Having spoken pointedly to fathers of their responsibility to be godly, of their responsibility to pray powerfully, of their responsibility to discover the will of God through His Word, I am compelled to say a word of children’s responsibility. I am not excusing bad behaviour or unrighteousness, but we must remember that children are their own people. They make their own decisions, and though they are taught wisely and raised morally, and though that teaching may be supported by parental example, children nevertheless sometimes go astray, and that is not necessarily the parents’ fault.

The first parents, Adam and Eve, were undoubtedly model parents, despite their sin of rebellion that plunged the race into ruin. Their efforts to raise godly children resulted in failure when Cain murdered his brother Abel. Cain’s murderous tendency does not reflect on the abilities of Adam and Eve as parents, but rather his sin highlights the often-neglected truth that the heart is deceitful and desperately sick [see Jeremiah 17:9]. Each individual must at last answer for himself or herself. Ultimately, if an individual is to be godly it will be because of grace and not because that person was raised well.

Fathers, mothers, if your child has abandoned the discipline and neglected the instruction you invested in him or her, and if your child is now living a worldly life, it is not necessarily your fault. You may have contributed to that life, but the result that now breaks your heart is not necessarily your fault. I counsel you not to abandon hope. God is in the business of saving wayward individuals, of whom I was one. Though my father invested good training in me, I walked my own path away from God until it pleased the Lord to draw me to Himself. The duty of the parent with a wayward child is to pray for that child. The Bible says that the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working [James 5:16]. Love that child, and ensure that the child knows that though you hold him or her accountable for his or her actions, your love is not withdrawn.

Perhaps you are a child whose parents were less than godly. Though the lack of training during the formative years may be a spiritual liability, it is not a fatal handicap. You still have no excuse for failure to follow the Lord. I spoke of Cain who had excellent parents and who chose to rebel, but I might as easily have spoken of Joseph whose father was not particularly spiritual. The standards of the family were not particularly conducive to righteousness. Nevertheless, Joseph determined early in his life to follow the Lord, and he continued to pursue God despite multiplied obstacles.

Certainly, there are exceptions and children who are spiritually advantaged wander away from righteousness, and sometimes those who are spiritually disadvantaged become models of Christian life and character. These are, however, exceptions. The rule seems to be that faith is communicated from generation to generation. It is difficult to raise godly children, and perhaps more so in this day of social engineering on the scale witnessed. However, difficult is not impossible. Success in fulfilling the will of the Master begins with submission to Him in first things.

Are you a Christian? Have you been saved? This is the message you must obey. We are urged, confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved… “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” [Romans 10:9, 10, 13].

If you have trusted the Master for life, are you obedient to His call to identify with Him in baptism? All who have believed are to openly identify as belonging to Him through baptism, just as Peter responded to those who asked what they should do after he had preached at the time of the Spirit’s descent. Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins [Acts 2:38].

Some among us have received Christ as Saviour and they have identified in believer’s baptism, but somehow they have yet to openly unite with a sound congregation that holds to the standard of the Word of God. What holds you back from uniting with this church? This is the time to openly unite with the people of God, accepting the responsibility as well as the privilege of being known as one of God’s people.

The church is open to receive all who are willing to come confessing Christ as Lord, to all who are willing to come identifying with Him in baptism, to all who are willing to unite with His people. Come, as we stand to sing a hymn of appeal. Come, and angels attend you as you come. Amen.

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[2] Kenneth S. Wuest, Word Studies in the Greek New Testament for the English Reader, Volume I, Ephesians and Colossians in the Greek New Testament (Eerdmans, Grand Rapids, MI 1953) 136

[3] Wuest, op. cit.

[4] S. D. F. Salmond, The Epistle to the Ephesians, in W. Robertson Nicoll (ed.), The Expositor’s Greek New Testament (Eerdmans, Grand Rapids, MI n.d.) 375

[5] See Glenn T. Stanton, How Fathers, As Male Parents, Matter for Healthy Child Development, CitizenLink (http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/marriage/fatherhood/a0026230.cfm), accessed 24 April 2005

[6] Quoted in William Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians (rev. ed.): Daily Study Bible (Westminster Press, Philadelphia, PA 1976) 178

[7] See Richard Chenevix Trench, Synonyms of the New Testament (Eerdmans, Grand Rapids, MI 1880) 111-114