Light in the Darkness

I’m Just Like My Mother

When Brittany and I were early in our relationship, an attribute of my personality began to emerge. I would get nervous about being too committed and then nervous she wasn’t committed. I learned that I was much more emotional than I had ever realized. In short, I am high maintenance, but what I realized was all the weaknesses of my mothers’ personality I shared.

I wanted to be like my dad - never great, never terrible.... always about 75% happy. He is always “good”. Where my mother and I do the roller coaster… really high highs and really low lows.

Its from this set of traits that I struggle with depression. When the low part of the rollercoaster comes into view. I have gotten familiar with the feeling of spiraling and the hooks that set them off. I have developed strategies to pull out of those nose dives and to get back on track.

Having Something to Look Forward To.

I always have to have something to look forward to. I can endure anything as long as I have a light at the end of the tunnel to work towards. In school it was the breaks… even now after Easter I will start looking towards a vacation and seeing family. I have little things the next hunt, a special day created by food, buying something fun, or doing something fun.

At the End watch the beginning.

Brittany loves this… when I am really into a show, or movie, basically any story and it ends… plan on at least A solid day of mourning, misery, and moping. I start to tank because I have gotten so lost in the experience. After 10 years of watching Friends, and then they leave the series with an empty apartment… I do the same thing when I finish reading a series… Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Twilight… just kidding didn’t read that one. all of it.... I figured out a strategy.

When a series ends I go back and watch the first episode immediately, If its a book then the first chapter of the first book. And rather than falling into a pit of despair I leave open to the story again…

Holidays Despair Trigger

For many people the holiday season marks many triggers that lead people into the darkness of despair. The loss of loved ones, the stresses of closing the quarter, or dotting on your family and friends. Loneliness seems to be rampant in this season.

When Darkness Consumes

I figured out that despair is one of the worst feelings you will experience. It is not just uncomfortable but the belief (and possibly reality) that nothing can ever change. You are stuck in that situation.

I have really only been deeply depressed twice in my life. There was no way out, no way to pull up out of the storm. I was lost. Its a terrible feeling to believe there is no solution, no change, no chance for change. When the darkness is so engulfing, and overwhelming.

I have never been one to be able to avoid anything. Maybe it works for you to just ignore the stressors in your life. I can’t shut my eyes and pretend its light outside. I feel the same dark.

Darkness is a tricky thing. Have you ever been in such darkness that even darkness appears to be light? I hadn’t experienced that till hunting in Nevada. Out in the middle of nowhere where there is absolutely no lights my eyes begin to play tricks on me. When I look in the dark and somehow it appears that there is light in the darkness when in truth its just more darkness.

Both those times in my life, suicide seemed like a viable option. a “lighter” darkness.

I have found that happen in the despair of my depression as well. When I have so desperate for an escape that darkness seems like a way out… its crazy but maybe you’ve been there too, maybe you are there.

Its not, its only more darkness.

And that had been our reality. Year, after year. Decade to decade to centuries and millenia. A people lost in the darkness. Until.

Isaiah 43:19 ESV

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 9:2 ESV

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone.

Then Shines the Light

Jeremiah 33:14–16 ESV

“Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah. In those days and at that time I will cause a righteous Branch to spring up for David, and he shall execute justice and righteousness in the land. In those days Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: ‘The Lord is our righteousness.’

A friend.

At one time I wished that I didn’t share my mom’s personality weaknesses. I wish I didn’t share with her in depression and all the high maintenance stuff I make my family bear. But I also figured out, that when I am starting to nose dive and I feel lost in the darkness I can call her. And she is right there with me, because she knows what its like to be there too. And she brings that light of Christ that lives insider with her and it shines on me too.