Pastor_Transcript3

40 Days of Community

Part 3

October 16-17, 2004

What Destroys Relationships And What Builds Them?

Transcript of Message by Rick Warren

IMPORTANT NOTE – LICENSE TO SHOW VIDEO CLIPS

This week’s sermon contains six movie clips. If you decide to use the same clips, please be aware that showing movies outside of a home requires a license granting specific authorization. This is the case for each organization that uses videos—even for nonprofit groups, even if admission is not being charged, and

even though the video has been purchased. An easy way to make sure you have permission to show movies by most distributors is to register for an annual license through Christian Video Licensing International, www.CVLI.org. This can be done on-line or over the phone, and takes effect right away with no waiting period. There are a few major producers that are not covered by this license, such as Sony Columbia Tristar, the distributor of “As Good as It Gets”. In those cases you would need to obtain permission directly from the distributor. Please be sure your church is licensed to show any video clips you use. If you need education on this subject, see the www.CVLI.org website for some helpful information.

For each of the following films, a link is provided to the Internet Movie Database website, which contains extensive information about each movie for your reference and review. Where available, a review from a great website called “Kids-in-Mind” is also included, providing ratings on sex, violence and profanity scales, with specific instances in each category summarized.

AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997)

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0119822/

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/a/as_good_as_it_gets_1997__366.htm

Rated PG-13 on appeal for strong language, thematic elements, nudity and a beating

Distributor: Sony Columbia Tristar Film Distributors

NOTE: This distributor is NOT covered by a CVLI license, and the movie itself is questionable in terms of themes and content. If your showing of the clip will be deemed a tacit endorsement of the film, you may want to select a different clip to illustrate this point.

WHAT ABOUT BOB? (1991) Rated PG

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0103241/

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

FINDING NEMO (2003) Rated G

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0266543/

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

WHITE SQUALL (1996)

http://www.screenit.com/movies/1996/white_squall.html

Rated PG-13 for some sexuality and a traumatic shipwreck

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

FRIED GREEN TOMATOES (1991) Rated PG-13

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0101921/maindetails

Distributor: Universal Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

PAY IT FORWARD (2000)

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/p/pay_it_forward_2000.htm

Rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements including substance abuse/recovery, some sexual situations, language and brief violence

Distributor: Warner Bros. (covered by a CVLI license)

~ START TRANSCRIPT ~

Well good morning everybody! It’s good to see you. If you’ll take out your message notes, I’d like to greet those of you who are participating in worship through the venues, and say hi to all of you. Welcome to ‘40 Days of Community’!

Now, during ‘40 Days of Community,’ we are doing two things: Deepening our relationships within our church and extending our relationships around our church; deepening the community within our church family, and reaching out in love to the community around our church family. And we’re doing this because we’re better together, and God says he wants us to go through life together, not just on our own. It’s not good for men to be alone.

And so, during ‘40 Days,’ I’m teaching six messages on how to deepen our relationships. We’re reading through the book ‘Better Together,’ a chapter a day for 40 days. And we’re in small groups studying and discussing those six videos that I have made on how to deepen our relationships.

Now we were created for community. We’re wired for relationships. We’re made to go through life together. We’re formed for a family. The Bible says this, the top verse on your outline, Romans 12:5, “Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other.” Will you circle that word ‘connected’?

Now, you may not realize it, but the people you are sitting next to, you are connected to. If you are part of the family of God, they are connected to you and you are connected to them. Here’s the problem: It’s easy to get disconnected in relationships. Would you agree with that? It’s very easy to get disconnected from your children, from your parents, from your brothers and sisters, your friends, your family, your husband and wife if you’re married. It’s easy to get disconnected from your church, from your small group.

And so, today we’re going to look at what causes that. Why do relationships fall apart? Why do relationships go bad? What destroys relationships and how do you rebuild? Or how do you build new ones? Or how do you prevent relationships from going bad?

Now the Bible tells us that we’re connected. And how do we stay connected? How many of you are in a small group? Let me see your hands. Now look at that. That’s amazing.

Let me give you a little secret. I want to warn you. You’re going to have differences in your small group. The only people who agree on everything are dead people. So if you’re getting along in perfect harmony in your group, it means either one, you’re not being honest, or two, you’re all dead. Have you figured out that God likes variety? He could have made us all alike. He could have made us all with the same opinions, the same background, the same interest, the same personality, but he didn’t. God loves variety.

And one of the purposes of groups, of small groups, is to teach us relational skills. It’s the laboratory for learning how to get along with each other. And the skills that you learn in the small group can be applied in your work, can be applied in your family, can be applied in your marriage if you’re married, can be applied in your ministry. It’s the lab for learning how to relate to each other.

You see, unfortunately we’re not taught how to have healthy relationships. You never had a class growing up in school, not a single class on how to have good relationship, and yet that’s the most important thing in life. It’s far more important than anything else: How to have good relationships, how to have a relationship with God, and how to have a relationship with each other. And I doubt even your parents taught you how to have good relationships. They may have not even known themselves. So they never sat you down and said, “Here are the secrets, the building blocks to good relationships; and here are the things that destroy them.” I’ve talked to so many people who’ve gone through a divorce, who have no idea, “Why did it happen? What really caused it to take place?”

So today, we’re going to look at how relationships get destroyed, what destroys them and what builds them? And I’m very, very excited about what Tom and I are going to share because it has applications in so many areas of your life. You can apply it with your friends. You can apply it with your marriage if you’re married. You can apply it in your work and in your career in relating to others. You can apply it in your small group. And what I’m going to share with you, or what Tom and I are going to share with you today, will save you tens of thousands of dollars in counseling. So just make out the check to Dr. Rick, okay? Actually, just give it to the poor, that’d be better if you did that.

So we’re going to dig into this: What builds relationships? After this song.

So what destroys relationships and how do you rebuild them, and how do you keep it from happening in the first place? Well folks, this is not rocket science. God has said that every relational problem comes down to one of four negative attitudes. Every problem you’ve had in a relationship comes as a result of one or more of these three or four problems. They are the enemies of community:

Number one: Selfishness. SELFISHNESS destroys relationships. Now this is the number one enemy. It is the number one cause of conflict, the number one cause of arguments, the number one cause of divorce. It is the number one cause of war. When some dictator says, “Well I want what you’ve got,” he starts a war, and that’s how it happens. James 4 verses 1 and 2 say this, “What causes fights and quarrels, don’t they come from your desires that battle within you. You want something but you don’t get it.” Everything starts because of your self-centeredness.

Now it’s very easy for selfishness to creep into a relationship. You know when you start a relationship, you work real hard at being selfless or being unselfish, like in dating and “Oh here, please, you go first.” You know? And you are very unselfish at the start of a relationship, but then as time goes on, selfishness begins to creep in. Would you agree we put more energy into building than into maintaining relationships? Yeah, we do.

Some of you have heard me read this before about the five stages of a married cold. [Excerpted from “The Seven Stages of a Married Cold”, from Staying Close by Dennis & Barbara Rainey, Used With Permission, Word Publishing, 1989] The first year: “Baby darling, I’m worried about that sniffle. So I’ve called the paramedics to rush you to the UCLA Hospital for a checkup and a week of rest. And I know you don’t like hospital food, so I’m having gourmet meals brought in for you.” That’s the first year.

Second year of a marriage: “Sweetheart, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve arranged for Dr. Knotts to make a house call. Let me tuck you in bed.”

Third year of a marriage: “You look like you’ve got a fever. Why don’t you drive yourself over to the Medi-Stop, get some medicine, I’ll watch the kids.” You know, very magnanimous.

Fourth year: “Look, be sensible. After you’ve fed and bathed the kids, washed the dishes, you really ought to go to bed.”

Fifth year: “For Pete’s sake, do you have to cough so loud? I can’t hear the TV. Would you mind going in the other room while this show is on? You sound like a barking dog.” One guy said, “You know, in the first year of marriage, my wife used to bring me my slippers and the dog came barking. Now my dog brings me slippers.”

You know, we just stop making the effort. It’s easy to slide into selfishness. I’ve always said if there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court. That is, you have to date your mate. You know? It happens to all of us.

A couple of weeks ago, I got in bed about three seconds before Kay did. As she got in bed three seconds later, she said, “Did you lock all the doors?” Now in three seconds, I pretended I was asleep. Okay. I’m laying motionless, and I whisper as if I’m in alfa state, “No.” It had only been three seconds. She gets out of bed, and she goes and locks all the doors. There’s a word for me: ‘Dufus.’ Okay? It was selfish, pure and simple. I wanted her to do it.

Now we all know that selfishness destroys a relationship. We know this. So why don’t we change, or better yet, why can’t we change? Why can’t we be more unselfish? Well there are a couple of reasons.

First, it is natural. It is human nature to be selfish. I don’t think about you most of the time. I think about me, my needs, my interests, my hurts. How do I look? How do I feel? Who’s hurt me? And you don’t think about me, you think about yourself more than anybody else. You think about yourself all the time. It is natural to be selfish.

When a baby’s born, its first words are “I….!” “Me…!” and they demand total attention. They don’t give anything back. They are totally selfish creatures. It’s human nature.

Now it’s interesting that a lot of people say, “You know, if there is a God, why is there evil in the world?” I don’t have a problem with that one. It’s because we’re all selfish and when I want what I want and you want what you want, it causes conflict, wars and a lot of other stuff. I want to do what I want to do, and that hurts people. I don’t have a problem with why there is evil in the world. The real issue is, the bigger issue is: Why is there good? Why is there good in the world? There is only one reason there is good in the world: Because of God. Without God, there would be no good because by nature, I am not altruistic. By nature, I think of me first, not you, and so do you.

And so as Darwin would have called it, ‘Survival of the Fittest’ is the natural thing of life that we think of ourselves and protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves. The only reason people do good in the world is because of God. It is God that motivates us to do good, and if there were no God, there would be no good. He is the only explanation for good in the world because we are naturally selfish.

Now not only are we naturally selfish, it is our culture that everything in it feeds our self-centeredness. Do you realize that every advertisement that comes out caters to your self-centeredness? It’s things like “Have it your way,” “We do it all for you.” It’s all about you. I’ve got to think about what’s best for me. “Have it your way,” and you know the most recent one is a Sprite commercial, “Obey your thirst.”

Now if that isn’t a juvenile attitude toward life, a self-centered attitude, “Obey your thirst.” Think about that. That says: Do whatever your urges are. Forget about if it hurts anybody. Forget about if it bothers anybody. You’re just an animal. So obey your urge. Obey your thirst. Live for yourself, regardless of what it does to everybody else.”

Or one that’s a little bit more sophisticated, but it’s the same thing, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Now think about that. So, it’s okay for me to cheat on my wife as long as I do it in Vegas. It’s okay for me to be immoral and rotten and do anything I want to, total selfishness because it’s going to stay in sin city. By the way, Las Vegas is really ‘lost wages.’ Did you know that? That’s what it really stands for.

Now self-centeredness can’t build relationships. It creates destructive things. You can’t have a team. You can’t have teamwork if you’re selfish. You want a good example of it: Last year’s Lakers. Think about that. Last year’s Lakers had some of the best basketball players in the history of the sport, and yet they couldn’t win a championship. Why? They were all into themselves. “Well I’ve got to do what’s best for me.” They could not play… they never played as a team. It was five individuals on the thing, thinking about themselves. It was all about ego. And you know what e-g-o stands for, edging God out. When your ego gets control of your life, you are edging God out of your life.

Let’s read together Proverbs 28:25, “Selfishness only causes trouble.” It only causes trouble.

Now if selfishness destroys relationships, then SELFLESSNESS builds them. Selflessness builds relationships, being unselfish.

Now what does selflessness mean? It means a little bit less of me, and a little bit more of you. It means I think a little bit less of myself, and I just think a little bit more of you. That is being selfless. I’m not the whole center of the universe. I’m thinking about other people.

Philippians 2:4 says this, in the Bible it says, “Look out for one another’s interest, not just your own.” That’s selflessness. Selflessness brings out the best in others. You know, it builds relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, it forces the other person to change because you’re not the same person anymore, and they have to relate to you in a different way.

And so selflessness not only transforms a relationship, it also transforms that person. I’ve actually seen it many, many, many, many, many times. I’ve seen some of the most unlovable, unlikable people, you know irascible cranky people that nobody wants to be around. And you start being selfless toward them and giving them what they need, not what they deserve, and you start being selfless and it transforms them into nice people. It transforms them when you show them selflessness, and show them kindness.

A good example of this is in the movie As Good As It Gets. Jack Nicholson is just this irascible curmudgeon and nobody likes him. He’s got all kinds of compulsions and hang-ups, and he is just cranky. But Helen Hunt shows him genuine love, genuine selflessness, and it transforms him. Watch this:

AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997)

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0119822/

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/a/as_good_as_it_gets_1997__366.htm

Rated PG-13 on appeal for strong language, thematic elements, nudity and a beating

Distributor: Sony Columbia Tristar Film Distributors

NOTE: This distributor is NOT covered by a CVLI license, and the movie itself is questionable in terms of themes and content. If your showing of the clip will be deemed a tacit endorsement of the film, you may want to select a different clip to illustrate this point.

Jack: Well my compliment to you is: The next morning, I started taking the pills.

Helen: I don’t quite get how that’s a compliment for me.

Jack: You make me want to be a better man.

Helen: That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.

Jack: Well maybe I overshot a little because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

Rick:

Now God’s favorite place to teach you selflessness is in: 1) Your family, and 2) Your small group. Why? Because those are the people who get closest to you, up close on a regular basis. It’s very easy to be selfless in a crowd. Like right now, nobody is requiring anything from you. Nobody is demanding anything. It’s very easy for you to be selfless. It’s when you’re in relationship with other people that you have the give and take of learning to get along with people who are different from you, different personalities and backgrounds. That’s where you have to learn to be selfless.

Now since so many of you, most of you are in small groups. I made a list of practical ways you can practice selflessness in your small group this week:

Number One: By showing up. Okay? Now I mean that, by showing up. You know, I have to admit I don’t always want to go to small group. I’ve been in group for years, but I need it and other people need it. And so when I show up… you know a lot of times, I don’t want to go sit on somebody else’s cough. I want to stay at home and lay on mine, and I don’t want to do anything. And so when I, after dinner, get up and go to small group. it is a selfless act. I am putting the needs of the group over my own personal needs. So just showing up, honestly, is an act of selflessness.

Number Two: By accepting new people in your group. That’s another way you can do it. By not being a clique. You know, “Us four, no more.” And you’re not resentful when somebody says, “Well, let’s bring somebody else in.” That is an act of selflessness.

Another way is by really listening to people in your group. Do you know that listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give others? Because you’re giving them your time, and that is your life. It’s far more important than your money. You can always get more money but you only have a certain amount of time in life. So when you give somebody your attention and you give them your ear, you are actually giving them a part of your life. And that is selfless.

And when you really listen to people and you’re not thinking, “What am I going to say next?” Or you’re really listening to people and you’re not multitasking, “What do I have to do after group?” You’re paying attention. You are being and practicing selflessness.

When you draw other people out to talk in your small group and you say, “Well what do you think?” and you ask questions, and you don’t dominate the conversation and you don’t do all the talking. You draw it out of others. That is practicing selflessness.

By offering people your help and helping your abilities in the group, that is selflessness. By being a host, those of you who are hosts, you are opening up your home, you are being selfless. You know by not hiding the best snacks, that’s being selfless. You don’t hold back the good stuff.

Now confession is good for the soul, and in my group, we’ve been meeting for years. We rotate where we meet. So sometimes, we meet at somebody’s house and a couple of weeks ago, you might try this in your group. In our group, we rotate. And a couple of weeks ago, we were meeting at my house. Well in my garage, I have this refrigerator where I stock it with soft drinks. So anybody, any time they come over, I say, “Go out to the refrigerator and get yourself something to drink.”

Now I knew my small group was coming over, and I really wanted to hide my stash of Stewart’s Root Beer. I wanted to hide it behind the Albertson’s Diet Cola. You know? Let them drink the cheap stuff, okay? I paid good money for that diet root beer. But I didn’t. I left it there, and I felt noble. You know, a little pride got in there. And I thought, “See I did the good thing.”

Now look at this next verse, Galatians 6, 7 and 8 says this, “The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others and ignoring God, harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for it in his life is weeds. But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life and eternal life.”

Now, this is a very important verse because it talks about the principle of sowing and reaping, and the universe is built on this. What you sow, you’re going to reap. What you plant, you’re going to reap. If you plant criticism, people are going to be critical of you. If you plant affirmation, people are going to affirm you. Whatever you sow in life, you’re going to reap back. If you’re jealous, people are going to be jealous of you, and on and on and on.

So, it says here three or four things. First, it says, “Respond to God, not to what others do.” It says if you want to plant good seeds, “Plant in response to God.” What does that mean? When somebody is offensive to me, it is my nature to be offensive back to them and so is yours. And he says, “No, no, don’t respond to that pettiness. Respond the way God would. Respond to God.” How would Jesus handle this pettiness? When you do that, you are going to be unselfish. You’re going to be selfless. He says, “You respond to God, not to the attack that is coming toward you.” Then he says, “God rewards selflessness.” He says, “You’ll get real life and you’ll get eternal life.”

Now why does God sweeten the pot like that? Why does he say that? God has wired the universe that the more unselfish you are, the more he blesses you. Why? Because he wants you to become like him. God wants you to become like him, which is unselfish. Everything you have in life is a gift from God, because God was unselfish with you.

So, God says, “In order to help you become like me, I’m going to give a little reward to this.” First, you get real life on earth and you get eternal life in heaven. Then he says, “You know what? You get immediate…” The way God has wired it, as we give ourselves away, we are most fulfilled. Jesus said, “Only those who learn to give their lives away will ever know what it means to really live.”

Now that’s why, by the way, we’re doing this ‘40 Days of Community’ and we’re feeding 35,000 homeless. Every homeless person in Orange County, our church is feeding three meals a day for these 40 days. And why are we doing that? To practice unselfishness. To practice selflessness. Most people have never ever in their life helped the poor. Never. And I want to praise those of you, already several thousand of you in the first couple of weeks who have helped in the collection of food, the sorting of food, the distribution of food. And you know what? That may have been the first time you ever helped the poor, and I praise you for that.

You see, if you don’t get anything else I say or Tom says today, get this: The greatest lesson in life is learning to be unselfish. That’s it. That’s the #1 lesson in life. It’s also called love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Once you know and love God, God says, “Now I want to you to learn to love other people,” and that means being unselfish.

And unfortunately, a lot of people go through life and never learn the greatest lesson, and they waste their life. They waste the whole reason they are here on earth: To learn how to be unselfish.

Now notice God also says in this verse, “It’s a growth process.” He says, “Letting God’s spirit do the growth work in him, you’ll harvest a crop of real life and eternal life.” You see, it’s not overnight. You don’t learn to be unselfish by being zapped. In fact, you’re not going to learn it in 40 days. It’s going to take the rest of your life, because it is a growth process. And there is only one way you can do it, and that is with God’s spirit in you...God’s spirit in you.

Look at the next verse, “Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s spirit, then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness.” Did you know that all of us are compulsive? Every one of us. We are compulsively selfish. We think about ourselves first. And if you don’t think that, you’re really not in touch with reality because you do. You think about you more than anybody else. And he says, “The only way you can break that cycle is God’s spirit inside you.”

Now anybody can be unselfish every once in a while, anybody can do that. Just by sheer will power, “Man look what I did!” And how do you know when it’s motivated by you rather than God’s spirit? Pride creeps in. It’s that, “I felt noble. Look at me, what a great person I am! I did something good for somebody.”

See, when God’s spirit is in you, then you don’t do that. Anybody can be unselfish every once in a while, but God says, “I want it to be a lifestyle.” “I want it to be a lifestyle,” and there’s only one way: God’s spirit in your life doing the growth work in inside of you, motivated.

Now here’s the second thing that destroys relationships: Pride. This is the second big thing that kills relationships. PRIDE destroys relationships. In Proverbs 13:10, it says this, “Pride leads to arguments.” A little history here: That was the first verse that Kay and I memorized on our honeymoon, and we needed it on the honeymoon. “Pride leads to arguments.” We’ve seen that in the presidential debates in the last few weeks.

Now pride shows up in a lot of different ways: It shows up first in criticism. If you are critical of other people, if you tend to be judgmental of other people, you tend to look down at other people, you tend to be a picky, picky perfectionist. You have a pride problem. That’s the reason you are critical: you have a pride problem.

If you tend to be competitive and you’re always comparing, “Oh look at her dress, compared to my dress.” Or, “Look at his car compared to my car.” Or you’re always comparing salaries or you’re comparing husbands or you’re comparing children or you’re comparing titles or jobs or anything… you know what? You have a pride problem. That comparing spirit, of always looking at everybody else and comparing and judging, that is a pride problem.

If you have a stubbornness, if you find it difficult to say, “I’m sorry.” If you find it difficult, you choke on your apologizes, you cannot ever admit it when you’re wrong. You have a pride problem.

Now you don’t say, “Now if I may have offended you…” That’s not an apology. That’s what politicians say, “If I may have offended you…,” puts it back on you saying, “Really it’s your fault for being offended.” That’s not an apology. An apology is, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” not “If I may have offended you.” It is, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” If you can’t do that, you have a pride problem. You have a pride problem.

If you have shallow relationships and you keep everything superficial in your life, and you never let anybody get close to you, and you keep them at an arm’s distance. And you may use humor to keep it all shallow, not let it get too deep. And you keep faking it a lot, and you wear a mask. You have a pride problem. You see when you’re too shallow to care about others, that is pride.

Now what does pride look like in a small group, since we’re all in small groups. Well, one of the ways it looks is when you always have to tell a story that tops the last story. “Well you did that. Well, listen to this one.” Okay? When you are always offering advice and you never ask for it in your group. When you never admit when you’ve had a tough week, everybody else is saying, “Yeah I’ve had a tough week.” And you never admit any problem in your life.

The problem with pride is it’s self-deceiving. Everybody else can see it but we can’t. When I’m full of pride, I can’t see it in my life. Everybody else can see it but I can’t. When you have a problem with pride, you don’t see it in your own life. It’s self-deceiving. Everybody else can see you’re being prideful, but you can’t see it yourself.

So the Bible says this in Proverbs 16:18, “Pride will destroy a person. A proud attitude leads to ruin.” And I love this verse and the message paraphrased: First pride then the crash, the bigger the ego, the harder the fall. You had a hard fall? Well that just shows how big your ego was.

Now, pride keeps us from apologizing, and that destroys relationships because we hurt each other. There are lots of examples in the Bible I could have used, Rehoboam, Nebachadnezer, but I thought I’d use that great theologian, What About Bob? You know in the story where Bill Murray is Bob and his psychiatrist is Richard Dreyfuss. And Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss’ son are both scared to death of water. They are scared of that. They have a phobia of it, and they are both trying to learn how to dive. And Richard Dreyfuss has been trying to teach his son how to dive but he doesn’t know how to teach him, he just tosses him in the water and scares him even more. And so finally, they are able to learn and then Richard Dreyfus has to deal with it. Watch this.

WHAT ABOUT BOB? (1991) Rated PG

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0103241/

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

Bill: This is my first dive.

Kid: Lean, lean.

Bill: Wait, I can’t see what you’re doing. Why don’t you get in front? Careful, hold it. Hold it. Wait, wait, wait.

Kid: Come on Bob. Now hold my shirt, I’ll show you what to do.

Bill: I got it.

Kid: Okay and bend my knees.

Bill: Bend your knees.

Kid: Lean forward. Arms out.

Bill: Arms out straight. Let’s get to the board.

Wife: Honey, come here look.

Richard: I don’t want to have to see this. No please. No.

Kid: One…

Bill: No.

Kid: Two…

Bill: Don’t do it, please!

Kid: Three! (splash) Yeah!

Bill: Yeah.

Others: Good boy!

Richard: Very nice Bob! Thank you. I’ll take it from here.

Wife: That’s wonderful.

Kid: Did you see me dive, Dad? Did you see me dive? I dove!

Richard: Thank you, excellent.

Kid: Okay watch this. I can do it again.

Richard: I’ll take it from here.

Kid: Did you see that? Here, I’m going to do it again.

Richard: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was very nice. Oh! (splashes)

Bill: Oh!

Kid: Keep breathing. Bob, catch!

Richard: What are you staring at? I had every right to buy this house! Look everybody, I’m not wrong often, but when I am I admit it. I mean it. I’d like you all to accept my apology.

Kid: Well what about Bob?

Richard: What about Bob?

Kid #2: Yeah Dad, don’t you think you should apologize to Bob?

Richard: I will not apologize to Bob.

Wife: Why not?

Richard: All right. I’ll apologize to Bob… and now I’d like him to go.

Rick:

So what’s the antidote? Pride destroys relationships. HUMILITY builds them. That’s the antidote to pride: Humility. Humility builds relationships. Listen to these five things that build relationships in First Peter chapter 3 verse 8. The Bible says there, “Live in harmony. Be sympathetic. Love each other. Have compassion, and be humble.” Those five really are built on the fifth one, the ability to be humble.

This is really a pretty good model for small groups. If you take a look at these five things, it’s what we all want to be doing in our families and our groups and our relationships. We want to live in harmony and be sympathetic, love each other. We want to have compassion and be humble.

I want you to notice that first one particularly, “Live in harmony.” That’s what God wants in relationships. He doesn’t want this unison where we’re all the same. He wants the harmony of us all being different. Why be in a relationship if we weren’t different from the other people? That’s what we draw from.

And this is important: Harmony and humility go together. You have to have them together. In a symphony, the beauty isn’t all the different instruments. But if you have one flute player who wants to stand on their chair and play louder than everybody else, it ruins the whole thing. If you have one person who’s saying, “Notice me” and I can’t let other people be noticed. It ruins all the joy of the harmony of life, the deepness, the richness that God wants to give in to our lives because of that.

Now let me encourage you to do something in your group this week. You are to do something that will promote humility and harmony in your group. This week, pair up with a spiritual partner, someone who you can learn from. They can learn from you, you can be encouraged by them; they can be encouraged by you. You can be friends; they can be friends with you. You can support, vice versa, as it works together: Guys, pair up with another guy; women, with another woman. If you’re just starting to learn the Bible or you don’t know much about Jesus, pair up with somebody who knows more about the Bible, knows more about Jesus who can encourage you.

Now the point about a spiritual partner is this: Everybody needs a spiritual partner except me. That’s how we tend to think. “Oh, this is a good idea. This is a great idea, but…” About a month ago, one of the guys in my small group called me up and said, “Hey can we get together regularly and maybe read through a book together, talk about the impact that it’s making on our lives.” It took me a month to get back to him, and you know why? I didn’t really want to meet because I feel like I’m too busy. Can you relate to that?

This week, don’t be too busy to connect with somebody else and say, “Can we be a spiritual partner?” Your life will be the richer for it, and do not be too busy if somebody connects with you and says, “Hey can we pair up?” Don’t be too busy to say, “Well I’ll get back to you on that,” and then never get back to them on that. If you and I will make this decision, it can change our lives.

How are you and I going to grow in humility? Because that’s a tall order. How does that happen in our lives? It happens by letting Jesus Christ begin to control our thoughts and hearts and attitudes and reactions. He has got to be a part of this. The Bible says over in Ephesians 4:23 and 24, this verse on your screen, “Let the spirit change your way of thinking, and make you into a new person.” How do I become a new person? How do I start to think in a different way?

Basic law of relationships is this: I tend to become like the people I spend time with. Spend time with grumpy people, you get more grumpy. Spend time with happy people, you get more happy. You want to have more humility, spend time with Jesus Christ because he is humble. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you and I to spend time with him in prayer and reading his word and talking to him. He is humble. Look at this next verse in the outline, Philippians 2:3 and then 5 and 6, “Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves. Your attitude should be the same as that the Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God.”

No one has ever done anything more humble than Jesus, coming from heaven to earth to become a man to live for us, give his life for us, be resurrected for us. And I spend time around him, that enables me to begin to become more humble and that builds relationships.

Now on the back of your outline, there is a third struggle we all face, and that is the struggle of insecurity. INSECURITY destroys relationships. The Bible talks about this over in Proverbs 29:25 when it says, “The fear of human opinion disables.” When I’m so insecure that all I’ve got to think about is your opinion and what you think of me, that disables my life. What is the problem with that fear? What does that problem cause us to disable in relationships?

Well when I’m afraid, it tends to cause us to try to control each other, and that destroys relationships. It’s always easier to recognize that better in others than in ourselves. So watch this clip from Finding Nemo:

FINDING NEMO (2003) Rated G

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0266543/

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

Dad: Nemo, no!

Nemo: Dad?

Dad: You were about to swim into open water!

Nemo: No, I wasn’t going to go out there.

Dad: It’s just a good thing I was here.

Nemo: But Dad, no!

Dad: If I hadn’t shown up, I don’t know…

Kid Fish #1: Sir, he wasn’t going to go.

Kid Fish #2: Yeah, he was too afraid.

Nemo: No, I wasn’t.

Dad: This does not concern you kids, and you’re lucky I don’t tell your parents you were out there. You know you can’t swim well.

Nemo: I can swim fine Dad, okay?

Dad: No, it’s not okay. You shouldn’t be anywhere near here. Okay, I was right. You know what? We’ll start school in a year or two.

Nemo: No Dad, just because you’re scared of the ocean…

Dad: Clearly, you’re not ready and you’re not coming back here until you are. You think you can do these things, but you just can’t Nemo.

Nemo: I hate you.

Rick:

“I hate you.” When people say that in a relationship, it is often a sign that somebody is trying to control somebody else. And what’s beneath that control? What Tom talked about: Fear. Insecurity causes us to try to control others, and insecurity causes us to resist the control of others and that destroys relationships.

You know, it’s an amazing dilemma that as human beings we have. We long to be close, but we also fear being close. We want it, but we don’t want it. We long to have intimacy with others, but we are also scared to death of having intimacy with others. Would you write this down: Insecurity prevents intimacy. Insecurity prevents intimacy. You can’t get close to somebody if there is fear in the relationship, which is why living together doesn’t work in the long run because you never know when somebody is going to walk out. There’s no lifetime commitment, so I’m going to hold back because what if it doesn’t work? It’s only a situation where I’m saying, “I’m committed regardless of whether we get along or not. We’re going to make this thing work.” Then the fear vanishes, and then the intimacy, real intimacy, rises.

Now what do we fear in relationships? Well, we fear a couple of things. First, we fear exposure. We fear that someone is going to find out what we’re really like, and we fear that. So we hide ourselves, and we don’t want people to know what we’re really like. And this is man’s oldest fear, all the way back with Adam, the first man, in Genesis 3 verse 10, he says, “I was afraid because I was naked and so I hid.” “I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.” When we’re afraid, we hid ourselves. We cover up. We wear masks. We pretend to be people that we’re not.

Now it’s interesting today, we don’t have this problem anymore with a lot people. Many people are not afraid at all of their physical nakedness, they walk around half naked. They walk around showing off body parts I don’t want to see, and so they are not ashamed of their physical nakedness. But they are scared to death of their emotional nakedness. That’s what really scares them.

I know a lot of people who flaunt their bodies, who are extremely insecure, extremely insecure. And they are afraid of emotional nakedness. “What if somebody understands, finds out my fears, finds out my faults, finds out my dark side, finds out the part that I don’t want anybody to know?” And you see, fear makes us dishonest and it causes us to build up walls.

And as a result, nobody ever gets to know you and you don’t understand one of the things that God put you on earth to do and that is to be fully known. Everybody deserves to be fully known and to fully know somebody else. Whether you ever get married or not, this just has to do with soul-to-soul intimacy and God designed the family, the church, to do this. To get to know each other on a gut-level basis, and we fear exposure.

But there is a fear even deeper than that, and it is the fear of rejection. And this may be the greatest fear in human beings: The fear of being rejected. We’ve all been rejected at some point, and we know how much that hurts. And so, we fear it and we close ourselves off and say, “I’ll never let anybody hurt me again,” and we build up walls.

Now maybe you have been hurt by rejection by somebody, a boyfriend, an ex or somebody, a parent who said, “You’re never going to amount to anything, or you’re not good enough.” And you felt the sting of rejection by a teacher or a coach or somebody. Maybe you even felt it by a so-called “Christian,” somebody who claimed to be a believer. Or maybe you felt it in a church or maybe you felt it in a small group, and if so, I would say to you, “I’m sorry.” I mean, I am really sorry, and God grieved at your rejection. In fact, if anybody understands rejection, it’s Jesus Christ. Remember, they nailed him to a cross. That is the ultimate rejection. So he understands how you feel.

But as your pastor, I would beg you, please, please, don’t let that harden your heart. Don’t build up a wall, a crust, put yourself in an egg shell. That’s a self-imposed prison that you don’t want to be in. And when you won’t let anybody get close to you because “I’ll never let anybody hurt me again,” you’re making a terrible mistake. You’re not living. You’re just existing, and it is my job as your pastor to help you and to encourage you and to say, “Take the risk. Have the courage to risk love again. Have the courage.” Because if you will do and you will open up your life and you will lower the barriers and you will let somebody have the potential to hurt you, you will come alive again in a way you have never ever experienced. Ask God for the courage to take that risk again, to be open, to be vulnerable.

Now let me talk to the guys for a minute because men, we’re the worst about this. As guys, we hold our cards close to us, and we don’t let our feelings be known. We don’t let people know what we’re really thinking or feeling. And I want to dare you to do a very courageous thing: To be openly honest about what you’re feeling. Now you don’t have to do it with everybody, but you need to do it with one person. You get in a group, and share it with a group. Or if that’s too hard, get one person. As Tom talked about, I firmly believe in having a spiritual partner in life. One person that you can level with, you can encourage, you can grow, you can support, you can share, and somebody that you tell what you’re really like to. And they tell back, and that’s a spiritual partner.

You know, I couldn’t count the number of times out on the patio after a service, somebody has come up to me in the last 25 years and said, “You know, Pastor Rick? I’ve never told this to anybody else what I’m about to tell you.” And when I hear that, there is something that wells up inside of me, a sense of hope and enthusiasm and joy because I know that person is about to have a breakthrough. They are about to experience freedom for the first time in their life. They are about to experience a liberation that is unlike anything else because for their entire life, they have carried this in their life and they’ve never told anybody. And they are about to open the door, and the boogieman is going to come out and it’s not as big as they thought he was. And they are about to experience real, legitimate freedom and new hope, and new joy and new power. And the love and the grace and the power of God can flood into their life.

You don’t have to share it with everybody, but you need to tell somebody. You were never meant to go through life with secrets. In fact, you are as only sick as your secrets. You are only as sick as your secrets, and if you’re living in fear, you’re not really living. You want to open it up and let it go, just maybe to one other person. In the movie White Squall, there is a sailor who has been cheating all his way through everything to get on the boat and everything that he wanted to do, and his buddies finally confront him about his cheating. And then admits it’s because he can’t read, that’s the dark secret in his life. He can’t read. And these guys, instead of responding with ridicule, like real genuine friends say, “Well what’s the big deal? We’ll help you out. We’re going to work on this together.” And that’s what love, and that’s what relationships are all about. Watch this:

WHITE SQUALL (1996)

http://www.screenit.com/movies/1996/white_squall.html

Rated PG-13 for some sexuality and a traumatic shipwreck

Distributor: Buena Vista Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

Man #1: I’m never going to pass the boards. I’m never going to pass the boards.

Man #2: I tell you what. You don’t cheat anymore and we’ll make sure you get the grades. Okay, we’ll start our own private study group. Nobody else knows, you’ll ace that test.

Man #3: I’m in.

Man #4: Me too.

Man #1: Why would you guys do that?

Man #2: Because man…

Rick:

Insecurity destroys relationships. What builds them? We all know the answer to this: Love. LOVE builds relationships. The Bible says in First John 4:18, “Love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we’re afraid, it shows that His love has not been perfected in us.” How does that work? How does love expel all fear?

Here’s what it does: It takes the focus off of you, and it puts the focus on them. That’s how it makes a difference. People ask me a lot of times, “You ever get nervous when you’re talking to a lot of people at Saddleback?” and the answer is, “Of course.” It’s a lot of people. You know what makes the difference? Take the focus off me and focus on you. If I was standing here thinking of what you thought of my hairstyle, I should have something to be afraid of, right? But the minute I start thinking about how much I love you, and how much we want to love God together, all of a sudden the fear just goes out the backdoor. In any relationship, any place you feel nervous and insecure when you focus on the other person, it has the power to throw fear out of your life.

And how do we find that power to focus on other people? Realize how much God loves you. Realize that he loves you more than you could ever imagine. The moment you begin to realize how much God loves you, “I don’t have to prove myself anymore. I don’t have to spend my life trying to impress other people because I already know God loves me.” Do you know how freeing that is? You know how enjoyable it is to live life that way? All of a sudden, my identity, my self-worth, they are not caught up in what you might think of me that day. You might be just having a bad day. They’re caught up in my relationship to Christ. I’m not pressured by everybody else’s expectations anymore.

All of us, I think we think, “I want that. I want to live with that kind of confidence. Where do you get it?” The Bible tells us. The Bible says in First John 4:15-17, “All who proclaim that Jesus is the son of God have God living in them.” We know how much God loves us, and we put our trust in him. God is love. And would you read this last part with me, “As we live in God, our love grows more and more perfect, so we will not be afraid.” And you might circle the word ‘grows.’ This grows, this is a lifelong process. This is a journey. This is a little bit every day. If I try to have this confidence all at once, I’m going to have to fake it. That’s the only way you can do it quickly. It’s something that grows little by little every day. If you expect complete confidence tomorrow, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. But you can grow in this. I can grow in this little by little.

You can’t defeat insecurity overnight. It doesn’t happen for any of us, but you can take the first step right now. And that is beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ or strengthening you relationships with Jesus Christ. When you say yes to Jesus Christ, you’re saying yes to a kind of love that can throw fear out the back door of your life.

Now the fourth enemy of community is resentment, and this one is the other big one. These four things destroy relationships. RESENTMENT destroys relationships. Job 5 verse 2 in the Bible says this, “To worry yourself to death with resentment is a foolish, senseless thing to do.”

Now everybody blows it. We all make mistakes. We all, what the Bible calls, sin. I sin. You sin. The Pope sins. Everybody does. We are all sinners, that means “I’m not perfect. I don’t bat 1000. I don’t measure up to God’s standard. I don’t even measure up to my own standards. I disappoint myself a lot of the times.”

So because we’re all imperfect, you’re going to hurt other people and other people are going to hurt you in life, intentionally and unintentionally. So you’re going to be hurt. You’re going to be hurt in life, that’s a fact.

What’s more important is, what do you do with that hurt? What you do with it is more important than the hurt. Are you going to allow it to make you better? Or are you going to allow it to make you bitter, resentful, and carry a grudge?

Now the Bible tells us and history and personal experience tells us that opposites attract, opposites attract and then when they get married, opposites attack. What fascinates you now irritates you. This happens all the time. You see, when you are single and you look out there and you see somebody who is not like you, that is fascinating. You know, like a person who is kind of quiet says, “Look at that person, how boisterous! How loud! How full of life and vivacious they are,” and you find it attractive because it’s not like you.

And so then you get in a relationship or you get married, and then after about a year, you’re going, “Do you have to be loud all the time?” And it starts getting on your nerves. It starts irritating you, and I now as I said you’re trapped and then you attack. I mean, if you have been married at any point in your life, how many of you had unrealistic expectations in your marriage? Yeah, the rest of you are liars. Okay? It’s true. It’s a setup for resentment.

Now often, it’s not the big things in life that make us resentful. Those can obviously, and do. But it’s also a lot of little things that just pile up, and you just start piling them up. And a lot of little things can break the camel’s back. So we get irritated. And those irritations when we hold on to them turn into resentment.

Now again, since we’re all in small groups, I wrote some common irritations in life to be looking out for in small groups. First is the person who is always late, and then they take 10 minutes to explain why they were late in the middle of the group; the person who talks too long, they love to hear themselves talk; the TMI, the too much information person, especially about a surgery of a relative. You know, it’s an organ recital. The guy who has to check the score of the game during the group. The person who’s dogmatic and says, “This is the way it is,” and you say, “Well I guess the discussion just ended.” The person who is sensitive and joking. The person who turns every statement into a wisecrack. He thinks he’s a stand-up comedian and that the group is comedy club. The guy who forgets the guacamole.

In every group, there is somebody who is just a little bit off. You know, they don’t catch all of the social signals, their heavenly sandpaper. You know, I call them the EGRs, the extra grace required. Right now, you’re thinking of the person in the group right now. In fact, if you can’t think of it, guess what? You’re it. Okay? So if you don’t know who it is in your group, it’s you friend because it’s real obvious to everybody else.

Now what do you do with these little irritations in a small group? Well you do two or three things. First, you ask God to fill you with so much love that their irritation doesn’t bug you anymore. Remember one of the things that a group does, it’s not just to learn content, it’s to learn to get along. It’s to learn relational skills. That’s why we believe everybody needs to be in a small group. You don’t learn it on your own. You don’t learn it sitting here in a big crowd. It’s you learn relational skills. So ask God to fill you with love so that person doesn’t bug you.

Second, you can go to that person and talk to the offender personally. You know, in love, you say, “It just may be me, but I’ve noticed you’re a jerk.” Just kidding. Just kidding. You say, “It may be me, I’m sorry. Or maybe I’m a little extra sensitive but this kind of a bugs me, and can we talk about it? You know, you talk too much,” or whatever.

But what you don’t do is saying nothing. What you don’t do is sweep it under the carpet, hide it, go home and complain about it to everybody else. Talk to everybody else in the group about it, but not that person. No, you don’t do that because it quickly turns into resentment, and resentment is always wrong.

Now let me clarify something: Anger is not always wrong. Resentment is always wrong. There is a right kind of anger and a wrong kind of anger. When I see injustice in the world, I better get angry. Sometimes anger is a result of love. If you hurt my kids, I’d get angry. That’s a legitimate anger. In fact, the Bible says, “Be angry and sin not.” In other words, there is a way to get angry and not sin. And there’s a way to get angry and sin.

But resentment is always wrong. It’s when you pile up anger in your heart. It’s frozen anger. Now, why does God say, “Don’t do this.” Two reasons: First, when you get resentful, you stop thinking clearly. Your logic goes out the door. Your logic gets distorted. Your perspective gets clouded. Your vision gets all mixed up, and you don’t think rationally when your emotions are involved. And you’re resentful and the adrenaline is running. You just don’t think straight.

Not only do you not think straight, you start acting in self-defeating ways. The most foolish things that have ever been done in history have been done in revenge or in retaliation or in resentment. And when you get resentful, you tend to do a couple of things.

First, resentment doesn’t work. It never hurts the other person. It only hurts you. It’s like, you know, shooting yourself with a gun to hit them with the kick of the recoil. You know, it doesn’t work. See, when you’re resentful, you’re stewing on the inside. You’re all upset. They’re oblivious to it. I mean, they’re all on their happy merry way. Your stomach’s tied in a nut, and they’re happy as a clam. They’re not even aware of it.

You’re not hurting them with resentment. You’re hurting yourself far more than you’re hurting them. And so you get tied up in a knot because you hold it in, or sometimes, you express it in the wrong way and you do something really stupid and dumb. Watch this.

FRIED GREEN TOMATOES (1991) Rated PG-13

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0101921/maindetails

Distributor: Universal Pictures (covered by a CVLI license)

Woman #1: Nice. I’ve been out here all day. Uh, excuse me, I was waiting for that space?

Woman #2: Yeah? Tough.

Woman #3: Face it, lady. We’re younger and faster.

Woman #1: TAWANDA! (screams and crashes) Yes ma’am!

Woman #2: What are you doing?! Are you crazy?!

Woman #1: Face it girls. I’m older and I have more insurance.

Rick:

Now admit it, you enjoyed that. You enjoyed that, didn’t you? You did. And it is human nature to want to get even. But what happens when you’re resentful, two things happen: You don’t think logical, and you do self-defeating behavior.

Notice what the Bible says, Psalm 73, “Since my heart was embittered,” that means resentful, ‘I’m bitter,’ “and my soul was deeply wounded. I was stupid and I could not understand.” In other words, I didn’t think straight and I started doing self-defeating behavior. God says, “I don’t want you to do that.” “I don’t want you to do that.”

Now one of the purposes, listen to this, it’s real important. One of the purposes of the small group is to help you think straight when you’ve been hurt. Because when you get hurt, you need other people around you, who can think unemotionally and more rationally. And you come to group and you go, “You know what, I had this thing today and it was just so… I wanted to ring that guy’s neck!” And they’re going, “Now, did you really want a lawsuit? And have you thought about this?” You need other people. You’re going to be hurt in life. And when you start to get bitter and you don’t think straight, you need people who are not bitter around you to help you think it through and keep you from doing dumb things. Does that make sense? That’s what the Bible says.

Look at the next verse, “Look after each other,” that means ‘watch out for each other,’ “Watch out that no bitterness,” that’s resentment, “takes root among you,” that’s in your group, “for as it spring up, it causes deep trouble hurting many in their spiritual lives.” So when somebody is hurting in a group, you gather around them and you help them and you keep them from getting bitter against it. See, this is how we grow.

And by the way, when you see a personality clash in your small group, you don’t sweep it under the carpet. You don’t pretend like it doesn’t exist. You don’t ignore the big pink elephant in the middle of the room, and keep quiet about it. No, you deal with it quickly. This is how we grow. We learn to be honest in groups, and that’s the only way you grow. You never grow from dishonesty. You only grow from honesty.

And I have discovered that most people are about 95% honest, 95%. There’s that 5% that they’re afraid to say to their good friend, and they know they need to say it to their friend and they know it would help their friend. They’re just chicken. They’re afraid to say it to their friend. So they’re 95% honest, they almost go all the way. But they don’t go that last 5%, and it’s that last 5% of speaking the truth in love that helps us grow up and helps us mature and helps us become more like Christ.

You see, the reality is the people that we want to love the most, we often end up resenting the most, like parents or somebody else. Those we want to love the most, we end up resenting the most.

So what’s the antidote? The antidote to resentment is forgiveness. FORGIVENESS builds relationships just like resentment tears it down. And if you’re going to have a long-term, lasting marriage that lasts your entire life, you’re going to need massive doses of forgiveness, massive doses of forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13, would you read this verse aloud with me? “You must make allowances for each others’ faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

Now, why should I forgive other people? Well, there are three reasons: First, resentment doesn’t work, it only makes you miserable. And so holding onto a grudge, you’re only hurting yourself with your anger. It doesn’t help. So you forgive for your own benefit because resentment doesn’t work, it just makes you upset. Second, you have been forgiven by God. And third, you’re going to need more forgiveness in the future and so you better offer it to others.

We pray the Lord’s prayer, “Forgive us our debts, our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” God, I want you to forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else. “Whoa, do I really want that?” You see, we forgive because God says you need to forgive for your own sake. You say, “Rick, I can’t do it. I just… I cannot forgive that person.” That’s why you need Jesus Christ. That’s why you need Jesus Christ because you’re right, you can’t do it on your own. Human love runs out. You need God’s supernatural love in you.

Look at this next verse, Titus chapter 3, “Once our lives were full of resentment and envy, but then Christ saved us. Not because we were good enough to be saved because we’re not, but because of his kindness and love,” that’s his grace, “by washing away our sins, everything forgiven, just wiped out. And giving us the new joy of the dwelling Holy Spirit. God puts his spirit of love in my life, all because of what Jesus our savior did on the cross. So he could declare us not guilty in God’s eyes.” You need to experience God in your life. You’ll never be able to let it go until you get God’s love in you every day and every moment.

In the film Pay It Forward, Helen Hunt finds her mother, who is now homeless, in order to forgive her. It’s a powerful scene. Watch this.

PAY IT FORWARD (2000)

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/p/pay_it_forward_2000.htm

Rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements including substance abuse/recovery, some sexual situations, language and brief violence

Distributor: Warner Bros. (covered by a CVLI license)

Helen: Hi Mom.

Mom: What are you doing here?

Helen: I wanted to see you.

Mom: After three years, why now?

Helen: I couldn’t… I can’t watch you do this.

Mom: I drive by your house.

Helen: I know.

Mom: He’s big.

Helen: Yeah.

Mom: What are you doing here? Are you going to try to put me somewhere?

Helen: No.

Mom: Then what do you want?

Helen: I want to try to do something. All the things, when I was a kid, the booze and the men, what happened to me when you weren’t looking. I know we’re all weak…

Mom: Not you.

Helen: I’ve been weak. Well, here’s the thing. I forgive you.

Mom: Oh.

Rick:

Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to let off the hook? Now let me explain what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not making excuses; and so for that person who hurt you, they hurt you and it was real. Forgiveness is not minimizing the hurt. It hurt. Forgiveness is not justifying it, saying it was no big deal. It was a big deal. Forgiveness is not saying it wasn’t wrong. It was wrong.

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and letting go of my right to get even. Why would anybody do that? For your own sake. Because you are living in misery the longer you hold it on.

Some of you are still allowing people from your past to hurt you in the present and that’s dumb. They cannot hurt you anymore. The past is past. And every time you hold onto that grudge, you are perpetuating your own pain. They can’t hurt you anymore. The past is past. They only hurt you if you refuse to let it go. You hold onto it as a grudge in resentment. You are hurting yourself, and God says, “You’ve got to let it go.” You’ve got to let it got. Forgiveness is the only way to get on with your life. They don’t deserve it. Did they deserve it? No. Do you deserve to be forgiven by God? No. But God did it anyway out of his grace and kindness.

You see, resentment turns your heart into a desert, and it dries you up emotionally. And you don’t have anything to give to anybody else, your boyfriend, your husband, your girlfriend, your wife, your parents, your kids. You don’t have anything to give because you are so stuck in the past, you can’t get on with the future. And it turns you into a desert, and you’re dried up.

But God brought you here this morning because he’s got some good news for you. Look at the next verse. Here’s what God says to you, “The Lord says forget what happened before, and don’t think about the past. I’m going to do something new in your life, and I will make rivers on a dry land. I’m going to turn that desert into an oasis.” Now you may have had some relational disasters in your life, welcome to the human race. Everybody has had some relational disasters. Everybody. What are you going to do with them?

God wants to start something totally new in your life today, right in the middle of ‘40 Days of Community’ and it starts with opening up your life to Jesus Christ and letting him fill you with his love on a moment-by-moment basis. Let’s bow our heads.

As we close, let me ask you four very personal questions. First, who do you need to be more unselfish with? Who have you been critical or judgmental of? Have you been unwilling to admit “I was wrong, I’m sorry, please forgive me?” Who do you need to say that to? “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Have you been afraid of being real with other people and you’ve held your cards close and you’ve denied your emotions and you’ve hidden your emotional nakedness? Is there anybody in your life that you have shared that secret with? You’re only as sick as your secrets. Who do you need to forgive?

You know, all four of the antidotes to resentment and insecurity and selfishness and pride, all four of the antidotes are found in a relationship to Jesus Christ. You get that relationship lined up, all your other ones will fall into place. You need to allow Jesus Christ to be the Lord, the manager, the boss of your life. Let him fill you with his love and you’ll start to have great relationships with other people.

So pray this prayer, in your heart, “Dear Jesus, You’ve seen every relationship I’ve ever had, the good, the bad and the ugly. And you know how selfishness, and pride, and insecurity and resentment messes them up. I admit that I need your help, Jesus, in my life and in my relationships. So as much as I understand, I ask you Jesus to come into my life and live through me, and put your love through me. I want that fresh start that you offer. In your name I pray, Amen.”