Principles of Dating

The world has sold us a LIE about love and relationships, that it’s only something that exists in fairy tales.

In this series, we are exploring how men and women come together to and fulfill the beautiful design of the Creator. These past few weeks, we’ve covered what makes Godly men and Godly women.

Tonight, we continue discovering the beautiful design of the Creator as we explore the topic of dating.

For those of you who are thinking: "Great … what does the church really know about relationships? What can God tell me that I haven’t already heard before?"

Well, here's what I know: God made relationships. Think about it. When God created Adam, He knew all along that He would be creating Eve as well. In Genesis, God declared that, "It is not good for man to be alone."

We were all designed to be in some kind of a relationship. I think that since God came up with the idea of relationships and He gave us the ability to have them, it only seems reasonable to assume that He knows a thing or two about how we should prepare and operate in one. Right?

Before I dive into anything, I want to be clear about what I’m talking about when I use the word "dating." Because I think that sometimes, we can use a word, and it can get misinterpreted.

So when I say dating—here’s what I’m not talking about. I’m not talking about one-night stands, friends with benefits, summer flings, or casual hangouts. While those things lead to "relationships" that might make for GREAT news headlines, it’s not dating—at least from a viblical perspective.

So when I talk about dating, here’s what I’m talking about: two people—a guy and a girl—coming together intentionally to develop a relationship with one another, being exclusive, with the goal of that relationship possibly leading to marriage. Not exactly the same definition our society uses … is it?

If that’s the case, it means that the following reasons are not good reasons to date: boredom, loneliness, a desire to have fun, a desire to feel appreciated, free stuff. Also, dating is not something we should do to figure out what we want in another person. People are not like cars that we get to test-drive around to see if we like them and want to keep them.

Every man and woman is made in the image of God—and when we approach dating, we need to keep that in mind. We need to honor those who bear the image of the living God. We need to date with intention.

Now, before we move on, I should clarify—I’m not saying that dating always has to end up with the couple getting married. It’s possible that through the course of dating, things surface that help you see you’re incompatible or maybe it’s just not a good fit. I get that. Things happen. But even with that being the case, marriage always needs to be the goal.

So for the rest of our time together tonight, whenever you hear me use the word "dating," you’ll know what I’m talking about.

You may be asking yourself, "Why are we talking about this?" Well, I think it’s important for us to have this conversation for a lot of reasons… but I’ll just point to one. It’s because most young people like yourselves underestimate how much of an impact the decisions you’re making today in this area of your life are going to affect you later on in life.

I want to share with you something I came across the other day that was put out by a non-religious research institution that was exploring the impact of teenage dating. What they found is pretty profound:

“Dating is associated with both positive and negative developmental outcomes. Teenagers in some dating relationships report higher levels of self-esteem and self-confidence, and are more likely to perceive themselves as popular, and to do well in school. However, teenagers in other types of dating relationships frequently have lower levels of academic achievement and motivation, higher levels of depression, and higher levels of drug and alcohol use. These associations depend in large part on characteristics of the relationship, including its timing and duration, the quality of partner interactions, the cognitive and emotional status of the participants, and whether the relationship includes sexual activity. In any case, adolescents' experiences in dating set the stage for dating and relationship experiences in adulthood.” – Child Trends

According to what these researchers found, it seems that how you date, who you date, why you date, and when you date are all pretty incredibly significant in the life of a teenager. All of these factors have the ability to shape you in either a very positive way or in a very negative way. Not only now… but also in the future.

The decisions you make now will have implications for your emotional and relational health in the future. Knowing this, it’s probably important for you guys to figure out now—while you’re still young—how to navigate this whole dating scene in a way that will set you up for success, not failure.

For that to happen, you’re going to have to step up to the plate. You’re going to have to set aside some of your more immature ways and pursue maturity instead. The apostle Paul says it like this:

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” []

When it comes to dating, you’re going to have to stop thinking about dating and romance like a child. Maybe a better way to put it is this: romance isn’t like what you see in Disney or Nicholas Sparks movies. When you’re younger, it’s perfectly normal to dream about the perfect fairy tale ending, where everything ends happily ever after once you meet "the one." But truth be told, reality is a far cry from that, right?

Relationships take work. They can be downright hard. But they are TOTALLY WORTH IT! They are worth fighting for. To do so, we stop thinking like kids and start thinking like the men and women God has called us to be.

Now, I don’t know the journey that each of you has been on when it comes to dating—but with a crowd this size, I’m willing to bet that there are some of you here in this room who have some regrets when it comes to this topic. Maybe you regret dating that person who was wrong for you. Sure, others had told you that before you dated them that it would end badly, but you thought you knew better.

Or perhaps you have some regrets about some things you’ve done in relationships—maybe you let things get too physical too fast and you gave away parts of yourself that you can’t take back. Know this: there is grace for you. The Gospel teaches us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. When we give Him our sin, we get righteousness in its place. You can have a fresh start.

That’s hopefully what we will accomplish tonight. For those who need a fresh start, you can have the assurance that you have one in Christ. For those of you who don’t, we’ll learn some things that will allow us to set ourselves up for success in this area, which hopefully means we won’t have to carry as much baggage into our marriages one day.

As we explore dating from a biblical perspective, we’ll uncover a few ‘rules’ that, if followed, will allow you to avoid a lot of the mistakes and pitfalls that most people fall into.

Let's pray.

If you guys were to look up the word "dating" in your Bible—you wouldn't find it

Dating, as we know it today, is a modern institution. In fact, the whole concept of "dating," the way I defined it earlier, has only been around for a few hundred years. The current understanding that our world has about dating—the hookup culture—has been around for even less time.

Back when the Bible was written, parents would arrange marriages for their children. You see this with Abraham and Sarah, and Mary and Joseph. Almost everyone got married because someone else thought it was a good idea. So when we talk about dating from a biblical perspective, we are going to have to broaden our scope a bit. We are going to have to look at what Scripture says about some of the things involved in dating—like character—and from that come to some conclusions about it.

So let’s go ahead and look at some rules that we learn from the Bible that will help us date in a way that won’t leave us with regrets.

You won’t find any magical answers that tell you how to find the right person. The Bible won’t give you the top-10 things to do to land your man ... it just won't. Asking the Bible how to find the right person is the wrong question to ask. Instead, we need to ask the question on the other side of the coin: how do I be the right person?

The Bible has a lot to say about that.

If the goal of dating is to end up in marriage, then you need to prepare yourself for that commitment—because it’s not one that you can step into lightly. It takes a lot of work. It’s not a fairy tale. The way you do this is by first becoming the right person.

[1] BE THE RIGHT PERSON. [personal character]

If you are ever going to FIND the right person for you, you need to focus first on BEING the right person yourself. This means you need to focus on developing your own character and relationship with Jesus. Your life needs to reflect some of what Paul wrote about to the Galatians:

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Galatians 5:22–23 ESV

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Here are some practical things you can do to become the right person:—

• Develop your relationship with Jesus. This includes things like reading the Bible, journaling, praying, being part of a church community, etc.

• Address pain in your past. Don’t carry the baggage around with you.

• Break some bad habits.

• Set standards for yourself.

Here’s the awesome part about focusing on being the right person: it will help you identify the things that you are looking for in someone to date and marry. This will save you a lot of time and pain, as it will keep you from dating the wrong people along the way.

Become the type of person that the type of person you’re looking for is looking for.

Once you’ve spent some good time being the right person, and you've worked on some of the issues in your own heart, you’ll eventually get to a place where you’re ready to date. So here’s rule #2.

[2] BE UNITED ON WHAT MATTERS MOST.

When I say this, I’m talking primarily about two things. First and foremost, spiritual unity; and second, practical unity.

Spiritual Unity

this one’s pretty simple: don’t date people who don’t share the same convictions and passions for God that you do. I don’t care how cute she is or how handsome he is—the Bible is pretty clear on this. Christians aren’t suppose to be to married to non-Christians.

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2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

If the purpose of dating is to one day get married, and if we aren’t supposed to marry non-believers, it only makes sense that we shouldn’t date them either. Instead of getting romantically involved with them, we should be sharing the gospel with them in the hopes that they repent of their sins and place their faith in Jesus.

Practical Unity

If you’ve gone through the process of becoming the right person and done all the hard work of figuring our who you are and how you’re wired and what you want from life, it’s probably helped you figure out what you’re going to want or need in a spouse one day. This will be KEY in helping you figure out if there can be some practical unity on a day by day basis with someone you're interested in.

There has to be practical unity when you are dating someone. You need to make sure that your lives are headed in the same trajectory. Otherwise, down the road it will create some major issues.

[3] MAKE LOVE A VERB.

Typically, when most of us think about love, we think about an emotion, right? That butterfly feeling in your stomach when that special someone walks in the room. That emotion inside of you that makes you feel like you can do anything, no matter how insurmountable the odds seem. You guys know that feeling I’m talking about, right? It’s an awesome feeling!

But as you know, that feeling doesn’t always last. Inevitably, that special someone is going to do something that is going to annoy you. They might say something that hurts you. If the only thing keeping you in a relationship is an "emotion" or a "feeling," you won’t be in that relationship very long.

Our world doesn’t understand the FIRST THING about what true love is. Movies, TV, and all other forms of media give you this idea that once you find "the one," the emotions you feel for them and the emotions they feel for you are going to be enough to get you through anything. As someone who’s been married for a few years now, I can assure you ... they're not. It takes more than emotions and feelings to make a relationship work.

Check out what Jesus has to say about this when talking to His disciples:

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John 13:34a ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

Jesus didn’t tell people to feel something; He told them to do something. Love is a verb. In case you need a little refresher on grammar, a verb is an action. Something you do. God is not calling us to FEEL emotions for someone, although that definitely happens in a relationship. He’s calling us to take a step farther. Let our ACTIONS, our doing—not our emotions—be the thing that shows this love.

Jesus continues by giving us an example of what this looks like:

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John 13:34b ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

Jesus here is enacting the Golden Rule. You guys know the Golden Rule, right? Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. Sound familiar? Well, Jesus says here that the love we have for others should be the same kind of love He has for us. If we read the gospel, we find out exactly what kind of love that is. It’s an unconditional love. One that isn’t centered on us, one that isn’t about meeting our needs and making ourselves happy. It’s about other people. Caring for the other person. Doing whatever we can to serve them and help them grow.

This last rule is an IMPORTANT THING to follow if you want to have a healthy dating relationship. You need to realize that your role in the relationship is not to be served, but rather to serve.

The cool thing is that if you have been diligent in becoming the right person, you probably will attract the right one. You will be in a relationship with someone else who is also committed to serving you.

When two people come together and are committed to living out the three rules of Godly dating, here’s what happens:

• Each person feels fulfilled in a way that they never would have been otherwise. All questions of insecurity, doubt, fear, regret, and purpose have been addressed by focusing on becoming the right person and uniting on the important things.

• Each person will feel deep joy being in a relationship that is moving toward something (marriage) and that brings value and a sense of worth to themselves as individuals.

• Jesus is glorified.

There are SO MANY bad examples of what dating looks like in the world. I think it’s time that we start telling a different story—because there are so many people who need better answers than the ones they find on TV.

Will you commit to date in a way that honors you, the one you date, and most importantly, God?

Let's pray.