Build to Last Part 1

Built to Last part 1

Therefore, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem, a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken.

INTRODUCTION

We're starting a new series on marriage this week and we're going to look at how God wants to build your marriage. And to build it to last.

Christ our solid Rock is the proper and safe foundation to build a marriage to last on.

The problem with marriage is that most marriages start off as an ideal and then they become an ordeal and pretty soon you're looking for a new deal.

I realize that we have all kinds of needs represented here this morning. Some of you are newlyweds.

We had a couple that been marriage 50 plus years. There are all kinds of needs. Some of you have been divorced. Some of you are separated right now. Some of you have never married.

Some of you would love to get married. Some of you have a good marriage but you're under stress right now. There are many different needs.

I have three goals in this series.

I have three goals in this series.

1. To comfort. This series is going to encourage you if your marriage is hurting.

2. To convince you. I want to convince you that it is possible to have a great marriage. A lot of people say it's impossible today. It's not. It is possible. You can have a marriage more fulfilling than you have ever imagined.

3. To challenge you. I want to challenge you to correct some of the things in your marriage that are causing the problems.

We all want to have LOVE THAT LASTS A LIFETIME.

But listen to this:

Selected

Rick Warren

According to Newsweek magazine, 96% of all people in America eventually get married. Of that 96% who get married, 38% eventually divorce.

Of those who divorce 79% will remarry and of those 79% who remarry, 44% will divorce again.

I'm sure if you were to ask all of those people -- and many of you have gone through the heartbreak of divorce -- nobody plans a divorce.

I don’t think you are going "I'm going to get married and I'm expecting in a couple of years for this not to work out."

Instead, It catches you by surprise. It is not a planned thing. So there’s some questions that I have is "Why is it that so many marriages die?"

What is it that makes a marriage last?

Are there some ingredients that you can count on that will glue a marriage together and will give you a love that will last a lifetime?

The answer is Yes, there are.

SIX INGREDIENTS FROM GOD'S WORD THAT will make your marriage build to last.

1. ACCEPTANCE

Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.

This is very, very important in a marriage because 70% of everybody who gets married, marry their opposites. They have differences. When you eat, you don't eat with two knives; you eat with a fork and a knife.

Somebody said when two people agree in marriage, one of them is not necessary. You need to have some diversity. You can't agree on everything.

The differences that attracted you to that person, later become an irritation if you have to live with them 24 hours a day.

I hear people all the time say, "Before we were married we had so much in common, and now that we're married we have nothing in common."

I honestly think that God has a real sense of humor in putting opposites together. If you're married, I can almost guarantee you that one of you is an early riser and the other one wants to hibernate until noon. You're just opposite.

One of you loves to talk. You can tells stories and you're so expressive and you have the gift of gab. The other one is deaf and dumb.

One of you loves to spend money. You're a spender. And your mate is a tightwad.

One of you is always on time and the other one is never on time.

When it comes to sex, one of you is very romantic. You are supercharged, an atomic bomb. And your mate is a dud.

One of you wants to say when it comes to romance "drop everything!" The other one says, "Drop dead!"

One of you is very down to earth and your partner is a space cadet.

Differences. One of you is impulsive and daring and the other one is cautious and reserved.

One of you is very decisive -- you make decisions immediately. The other one looks at a menu for 15 minutes and still can't decide.

The fact is your differences are not wrong, you're just different.

Two people can be different and still neither is wrong.

The question I start out with is, Do you accept your mate's differences?

Acceptance is essential to marriage because everybody is imperfect. We all need lots of acceptance.

So let's stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall.

"Stop judging each other."

So without acceptance you will nag your marriage to death.

2. ATTENTION

"Love one another deeply from the heart."

We all need attention.

Over sixteen times in the Bible it says "Love one another." What does it mean? You spell "love" -- ATTENTION. If you love somebody you will pay them attention.

Everybody needs attention. As a little kid you used to say, "Watch me, Daddy! watch me, Mommy! Watch me!"

When we get older we still need that attention. We just don't do it so straightforward.

Instead, We say to the world, "Watch me!" We say it by the way we dress. We say it by our cars. We say it by our homes. We say it by the plaques on our wall. Watch me! We need attention.

Do you remember how much attention you gave to your mate when you were dating? Compare that to now. It's ridiculous.

You were totally absorbed in that person and unaware of what else was going on. If you go to a dinner or movie,maybe just a walk in the park, you can always tell who's married and who's not married.

The unmarried couple is entangled with each other, enamored. They are totally in to each other and they don’t care that everybody is watching what is going on. But they are giving each other total, undivided attention.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is apathy. The worst form of rejection is to be ignored. We all need attention.

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Husbands, be considerate of your wives. Pay them attention.

A national poll was taken on "How well do you know your mate?" The fact is wives know their husbands a lot better than husbands know their wives.

Pay attention to your spouse. Paying attention pays off.

Paying attention pays off.

3. ADJUSTMENT

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

We need to adjust to each other. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

That means there is a mutual adjusting. Submission means "to adjust to". It says "submit to one another".

Doesn't the Bible say that the husband is the spiritual leader of the home? Yes, that's very true. Doesn't the Bible say that the wife is to follow her husband's leadership? Yes, it does.

But it also says, "Submit to one another." When the wife follows her husband's leadership doesn't means she does all the adjusting. There is a mutual adjusting -- submitting to one another. There's a place for compromise. You both need to give in sometimes.

The problem is, we get so busy trying to change our mates that we don't have time to look at what we need to change.

What happens is, we say things like "After we're married, he'll change." or "After we're married I'll change him."

Then when we get married we enter into this personal development program for our spouse, which we institute with quiet regularity, molding and shaping and cracking the whip, making sure they're pulling the line.

Then when they resent it, we say with wonder, "Why aren't you cooperating? Don't you know this is for your own good?"

Some people can't adjust so they divorce and remarry. The fact is, the longer you live the more set in your ways you become.

Often in a second marriage you're even more stubborn and more unwilling to change.

Better Homes and Gardens did a survey of 300,000 marriages in the United States and asked "Why do marriages fail?"

The number one reason was immaturity. The number two reason was selfishness. Immaturity and selfishness.

Those two words are commonly called incompatibility.

I hear people saying, "We're just incompatible." What does that mean? I means you're both stubborn and unwilling to change.

It means you're both being selfish. You're both not willing to work at it.

We should try to live at peace and help each other have a strong faith.

4. AMNESTY

You need to call a truce. Total forgiveness. How many of you agree that you can't make it in a marriage without forgiveness?

You've got to have a lot of forgiving going on in marriage.

Resentment will kill your marriage quicker than anything. You need amnesty, forgiveness.

Everybody hurts each other. Sometimes it's on purpose, sometimes unintentionally.

But the fact is when you live close to somebody you're going to hurt them. You have two options with that hurt.

You can rehearse it or you can release it. Rehearse it -- I go over and over it. And it gets bigger and bigger. Or you can release it. And you can forgive.

What do you tend to resent in your marriage? Maybe you resent that your spouse doesn't accept the responsibility that is theirs.

Maybe you resent the fact that they won't talk to you or listen to you. Maybe you resent the fact that they are irresponsible or insensitive to your sexual needs.

The fact is, resentment always hurts you worse than the person you're resenting.

Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

That's the key. You've been forgiven so you ought to forgive. "Over all these virtues put on love which binds them together in perfect unity."

5. APPRECIATION

The Bible says, “Remember God's attitude toward you.” Think of how much God has put up with you and that helps you be a little bit more forgiving and bearing with people around you, particularly your mate. Amnesty. We need forgiveness.

5. APPRECIATION

So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

The most encouraging thing you can do is express appreciation. Everybody needs appreciation. The power of praise is awesome. It is much more effective than nagging.

"Therefore encourage one another."

Jack Richardson said, "Don't nag, brag." Don't give pokes, give strokes. You appreciate. People blossom under affirmation.

We are to accept one another, submit to one another, forgive one another and encourage one another and build each other up. "... just as in fact you're doing." The most encouraging thing you can do is express appreciation. Everybody needs appreciation. The power of praise is awesome. It is much more effective than nagging. Jack Richardson said, "Don't nag, brag." Don't give pokes, give strokes. You appreciate. People blossom under affirmation.

Appreciation is a powerful tool in marriage because it does three things:

1. It raises your mate's value.

2. It raises your own value.

3. It raises the value of the relationship.

Appreciation will give your marriage a spark. It will raise up all kinds of romantic feelings in your marriage.

It will replace the spark that's gone if you start appreciating your spouse, complimenting them.

Acceptance is when you say, "I accept you in spite of all your faults." Adjustment says, "I'm willing to change. I'm willing to meet you half-way. I'm willing to make an effort. I'm willing to work on my part." But appreciation says, "I not only accept you, but I find things in you that I like. I find something that's good, that's significant." The Bible teaches that you are to encourage one another through appreciation.

It raises the value of your home and it increases your love for each other.

I've had people say to me, "I accept my spouse, but my marriage is dull." That's true if you don't have any appreciation in it. Acceptance will give your marriage stability. Appreciation will give your marriage a spark. It will raise up all kinds of romantic feelings in your marriage. It will replace the spark that's gone if you start appreciating your spouse, complimenting them. Appreciation is an aphrodisiac. It raises the value of your home and it increases your love for each other.

But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.

I think every marriage ought to have a minimum daily requirement of at least one compliment a day.

I think every marriage ought to have a minimum daily requirement of at least one compliment a day. Some of you are going to have to be pretty creative in coming up with one compliment a day. Look for it. You may have to think up something! Look for ways to be creative and appreciative.

When you raise the value of your mate, when you love your mate, it's not only good for them, it's a testimony to the world. It's a Christian witness.

The Bible says that a husband and a wife, their love for each other, is to be an example of God's love for us.

When you raise the value of your mate, when you love your mate, it's not only good for them, it's a testimony to the world. It's a Christian witness. The Bible says that a husband and a wife, their love for each other, is to be an example of God's love for us. It teaches that in . It is a good witness when husbands and wives are hopelessly in love with each other.

6. AFFECTION

Appreciation. Let God build that into your marriage.

1. The fact that they've stuck with you. For some of you that's a major accomplishment. They put up with you and didn't walk out on you.

2. You ought to appreciate their effort whether its "up to your standards" or not. At least they made the effort. It's like the new bride who brings dinner to her husband, "Honey, my two specialties are meat balls and peach pie." The appreciative husband said, "And which one is this, darling?" He appreciated the effort. Don't nag, you brag. Don't give pokes, give strokes. Build them up, encourage them on a daily basis.

If you want to know God's will for your marriage -- "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God." It is God's will that in everything you be appreciative, in everything you give thanks. That's God's will.

How do you have a love that lasts a life time? Accept one another (Acceptance), love one another deeply (Attention), submit to one another (Adjustment), forgive one another (Amnesty), Encourage one another (Appreciation).

There's a sixth ingredient:

6. AFFECTION

I'm talking about the physical expression of love in your marriage. Physical expressions of love are vital to your relationship.

Greet each other with a holy kiss.

As food is to your body's health, touching and tenderness and contact is to the emotions.

It's indispensable for emotional health and marital health. I know a lot of marriages that are dying of malnutrition. They just don't touch each other any more.

The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs.

The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Paul says three things about sex:

is Paul's advice on sex in marriage. He says some very interesting things there that are very contemporary and very surprising. Verses 3-5 "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other( he's talking about sexual relationships) except by mutual consent and then only for a brief time so that you can devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because you lack self -control."

Paul says three things about sex:

1. It is needed. It is not to be ignored. It's a vital part of your relationship.

2. It is for mutual benefit. It's for both the husband and the wife. It is a mutual benefit and either spouse may initiate it.

3. It is a spiritual responsibility. If you're married your sexual relationship is a spiritual responsibility. If you avoid it and deny it, you are bringing all kinds of possible consequences in your marriage that the devil can try to get hold of.

Don't deny it. I'll bet most of you have never thought of sex as a spiritual responsibility. God says that's a part of life just like giving an offering or witnessing or praying. It's part of your spiritual responsibility.

What is it that makes a marriage Christian? You can both be Christians and not have a Christian marriage. A Christian marriage is a marriage where:

1. They follow the teachings of Christ -- love one another, accept one another, submit to one another, encourage one another, show affection for one another.

2. The Spirit of Christ is invited to be present and resident in the relationship.

Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

If we would just follow this verse we would have so many fewer problems in our marriages. I can't think of an area that applies more to than in marriage.

Each of you should not only think of yourself but also of the interests of your spouse.

If we would just follow this verse we would have so many fewer problems in our marriages. I can't think of an area that applies more to than in marriage. Each of you should not only think of yourself but also of the interests of your spouse. If we would just follow that one verse, the number of problems we'd have would be much, much smaller. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ."

If we would just follow that one verse, the number of problems we'd have would be much, much smaller. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ."

The bottom line is you treat your spouse the way Jesus would. That's what it means to have a Christian marriage.

You can have a marriage that built to last, a love that will last a lifetime, but you have to follow the instructions.

How about acceptance? Have you accepted your mate completely? Or do you kind of nag and poke and criticize and poke fun at their appearance, give little digs at them and constantly criticize them in ways that show you really don't accept them.

How about attention? Are you aware of your mate's needs? Do you know what makes them tick? Do you know when they need your support? Do you ignore them when they talk to you? If you care, you'll be aware.

How about adjustment? Are you willing to compromise? Are you willing to give in? Or does your mate have to make all the changes in your marriage? "It's all your fault. You're the one who needs to do all the changing. I've got it all together." Can you give an example in your marriage where you have adjusted cheerfully without pouting?

God outlines the principles for a lasting relationship. It's a choice.

How about appreciation? Are you an encourager or discourager? Are you your mate's biggest fan? If not you, who is? If it's somebody else, you're asking for an affair. You're setting yourself up. Stop nagging and start bragging. Be generous with compliments. Look for ways to express appreciation to each other.

How about affection? Have you let this area of your relationship slide? And put it on the back burner and you haven't really cultivated your love life together? Maybe all you think of is your own needs. The Bible definitely teaches against that.

You can have a lasting love, a love that will last a lifetime, but you have to follow the instructions. When in doubt consult the original instructions. God thought up marriage and, in the Bible, He outlines the principles for a lasting relationship. It's a choice. We can make the choice.

There is one other important verse that I didn't mention. It's "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another." Prayer and confession have done more to improve marriage than I think anything else. It's admitting, "I accept part of the blame. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I was wrong. Let's pray about it." Praying together can make a difference.

Heavenly Father, we know that the family is the basic unit of society and that our nation and our church are only as strong as the families in it. I pray, Lord, that You would give us strong marriages. Help us to be different in a world, where all around us marriages are falling apart. May our church be committed to building marriages and families. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.