Built to last part 2

Building Your Marriage - Part 4 of 6

Built to Last Part 2

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:

INTRODUCTION

Good Morning, Southpointe!! This morning we are continuing on our Marriage series “Built to Last”

says "Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding." (Good News version)

In other words, God wants you to be wise. He wants you to understand how your marriage operates.

That's what we're going to look at today: the common stages in a marriage so you can be wise and understanding.

A lot of marriages fall apart due to ignorance. They're unaware of the dynamics. They're in the dark of what is actually taking place in the marriage. I've had people say, "I have no idea what went wrong! It didn't turn out as planned."

Today we're going to gain a little wisdom and a little understanding which is the foundation of a strong home life.

STAGE ONE is THE HAPPY HONEYMOON.

The key idea in the happy honeymoon is -- It is thrilling. The Song of Solomon is all about the happy honeymoon.

Song of Solomon 2:2 As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.

Song of Solomon 2:3 As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Song of Solomon 2:4 He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.

Solomon and his beloved wife comparing each other. Solomon says, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." This guy is smitten!

There’s some individual key words that help describe what this stage is like. We're going to describe these stages and then show you how to make it to stage three in your marriage.

She says back, "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He's taken me to the banquet hall and his banner over me is love.

Listen to the comparisons and descriptions in this chapter. Solomon and his beloved wife comparing each other. Solomon says, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." This guy is smitten! She says back, "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He's taken me to the banquet hall and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins and refresh me with applies for I am faint with love." She's saying, I'm devastated by this guy. He's one big hunk!” v. 8 "Listen my lover. Look! Here he comes leaping across the mountains bounding over the hills." Wives, can you see your husbands bounding into the room in his boxer shorts? Leaping over hills and valleys?

Song of Solomon 2:5 Strengthen me with raisin cakes, refresh me with apples, for I am weak with love.

She's saying, I'm devastated by this guy. He's one big hunk!”

Now listen to verse 8

Song of Solomon 2:8 Ah, I hear my lover coming! He is leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills.

Wives, can you see your husbands bounding into the room in his boxer shorts? Leaping over hills and valleys?

What is happening here? Four words that describe the first stage of marriage:

1. Intensity. Focused attention.

They're spellbound. They are engrossed with each other. They've got a crush. "I only have eyes for you!"

Play the song: I only have eyes for you!! First one minute end it at I only have eyes for you.

They are totally preoccupied. "I'm weak with love" she says. That's what happens in the first stage of marriage. You are zapped! All you can see is that person. Intensity.

2. Idealism.

You have a tendency in the first stage of your marriage to put your partner on a pedestal. We see this in chapter 4 of the Song of Solomon.

Song of Solomon 4:1 You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead.

Song of Solomon 4:2 Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin.

Song of Solomon 4:3 Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil.

Song of Solomon 4:4 Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes.

Song of Solomon 4:5 Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 4:6 Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.

Men, don't try this on your wives! But there in verse 7 King Solomon is saying my darling. There is no imperfection in you."

Men, don't try that one on your wives! Your teeth are like a flock of sheep. Just understand this is oriental beauty! Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon. Your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like halves of a pomegranate. They stick out? Your neck is like the tower of David. He's kind of giving her a run down on her body. But I think I'll stop right there at the neckline, though! v. 7 "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you."

Idealism. They are perfect. Total disregard of differences and faults.

3. Indulgence.

There's a lot of giving in and a lot of giving up. "Whatever you want, darling!" You go along to get along. You cater to every whim. You're pampering each other.

You can't stand sports but you go with your husband to the sports game. He can't stand some of the things his wife likes but he does it anyway. Catering and indulgence.

4. Ignorance.

This is the result of the first ingredients. When you have intensity, idealism and indulgence then you have infatuation, which is extreme happiness, this feeling of well-being. High, in love. Everything seems great. The world seems great, you seem great, your mate seems great. "I'm in love!" There's a bounce in your step.

Solomon through this entire book is writing this way. You have all of these ingredients in the happy honeymoon. Intensity, idealism, indulgence, infatuation. But one more word describes this stage:

The fact is, you don't really even know that person. You're in love with an ideal of them. You don't know what they're really like and you don't know what you're in for.

5. Ignorance. The fact is, you don't really even know that person. You're in love with an ideal of them. You don't know what they're really like and you don't know what you're in for. (One guy told me, "I didn't know that puppy love would lead to a dog's life.") During this first stage we tend to ignore our differences and overlook our faults and put our hang-ups aside and any major conflict is swept under the carpet.

This one guy said, "I didn't know that puppy love would lead to a dog's life."

During this first stage we tend to ignore our differences and overlook our faults and put our hang-ups aside and any major conflict is swept under the carpet.

The fact is this stage doesn't last. It can't last. Sooner or later we waken to two or three realities - that we have differences and faults. You are different in different temperaments, you have different responsibilities.

And there's more to life than just having fun. You start having to pay bills again. The first stage kind of floats off to the side and we come to stage two.

STAGE TWO is described in . Realize that the same man who wrote Song of Solomon wrote .

I want you to notice the change in attitude.

Notice the change in attitude. In Song of Solomon he's saying, "You're perfect! You're flawless. There's nothing wrong with you. It's great. I'm in love. It's fantastic." A little while later in Solomon, the same author, says this about his lovely wife, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." What happened? His delight turns to disillusionment. His dating turns to debating. His romance turns to resentment. The ideal turns to the ordeal. This is stage two. Stage one is the Happy Honeymoon. Stage two is THE PARTY'S OVER The thrill turns to tension.

In Song of Solomon he's saying, "You're perfect! You're flawless. There's nothing wrong with you. It's great. I'm in love. It's fantastic."

A little while later in Solomon, the same author, says this about his lovely wife,

A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.

Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

What happened? His delight turns to disillusionment. His dating turns to debating. His romance turns to resentment. The ideal turns to the ordeal.

"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." What happened? His delight turns to disillusionment. His dating turns to debating. His romance turns to resentment. The ideal turns to the ordeal. This is stage two. Stage one is the Happy Honeymoon. Stage two is THE PARTY'S OVER The thrill turns to tension.

This is stage two. Stage one is the Happy Honeymoon.

his is stage two. Stage one is the Happy Honeymoon. Stage two is THE PARTY'S OVER The thrill turns to tension.

Stage two is THE PARTY'S OVER.

The thrill turns to tension.

What happened? It's like the man who goes in complaining to his pastor two months after marriage, He said "I got false advertising here."

And Pastor said, "You took her for better or for worse." The man said, "Yeah, but she's a lot worse than I took her for."

Five words that characterize Stage Two in marriage:

1. Dullness.

It's back to the routine. Boredom sets in. You become complacent. You loose interest. You become dull and complacent. In your appearance, you let it all hang out. In dating you looked perfect.

But then, after you get married, you start letting it all hang out. The attitude before marriage is "Anything you want, darling." After marriage it's "Get it yourself, Buster!" Dullness and routine.

2. Disagreements.

You begin to clash over differences and you begin to argue. There's some strife in your marriage and some hang-ups and you experience disharmony. There is conflict. There's disagreements.

3. Defensiveness.

You start protecting yourself. You're not as open as you were. You don't let your guard down, you watch your rear flank, you're not as open and vulnerable.

There's a communication breakdown. You don't want your faults used against you.

You start protecting yourself, because you think they could use that as ammunition against you.

We accuse and excuse. We excuse ourselves and we accuse our mates. We blame them and start finding fault with each other. Resentment builds up and defensiveness.

4. Disapproval.

Before, we find Solomon saying, "Everything she does is right!" Now he's saying, "Nothing she does is right!" What a change in attitude.

There's a lot of nagging and criticizing and complaining. It's like the wife who said, "I knew my husband was temperamental but I found out it was 90% temper and 10% mental."

There's nagging, "All she does is nag! She's a witch!" The wife says, "I just don't respect him any more." Respect goes down the tubes. We criticize and jab. Someone said, "The way to bury your marriage is a lot of little digs." Constantly being critical. Poking fun.

5. Disappointment.

You become disillusioned. I've had so many people say to me, "I feel cheated. I got in this marriage. I have these secret feelings of regret and I'm trapped.

And I don't know how to get out of it. What have I got myself into?"

The doubts come along, "Did I do the right thing? Did I marry the right person? Did I make a mistake? Was I not listening to God? Why didn't I listen to my mother?" Doubts and disillusionments.

These five D's -- Dullness, Disagreements, Defensiveness, Disapproval and Disappointment set you up for the two Big D's:

The inevitable result in stage 2 is either depression or divorce. Divorce you split up, dump the bum!

A lot of times we think the only alternative is Depression -- endure the misery for the rest of my life, internalize the anger.

I have so many people say, "My relationship to my wife/husband is really getting me down. I am down! They make me feel so bad!"

What a change between Stage 1 and Stage 2.

Stage 1 -- "You make me feel so great!"

Stage 2 -- "You make me feel so bad!" What happens?

Most marriages never get past Stage 2.

The average length of a marriage in the United States is now 7.2 years.

That means they never get to Stage 3.

STAGE THREE. This is described in . The famous chapter on love.

STAGE THREE. This is described in . The famous chapter on love. vs 4-7 "Love is patient (that's how you make it to stage three) Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres."

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Stage three in a marriage is the stage of MATURE LOVE.

vs 4-7 "Love is patient (that's how you make it to stage three) Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres."

Stage three in a marriage is the stage of MATURE LOVE. That's what is described here. Mature love, not infatuation, not romanticism, but mature love, and love is a choice. I want to give you some words that are characteristic of stage 3. I put them in an acrostic TRUST -- the only way you make it to stage three in marriage is through mutual trust.

That's what is described here. Mature love, not romanticism, but mature love, and love is a choice.

I want to give you some words that are characteristic of stage 3.

The only way you make it to stage three in marriage is through mutual trust.

T - Tenderness.

There's tenderness in your marriage. You're gentle not judgmental with each other. You're careful with each other's feelings. You are tender with each other's egos. You realize you are on the same team. You're not out to destroy each other. You're tender.

R - Respect and Responsibility.

You respect your spouse. You treat them with appreciation. Then Responsibility -- you accept responsibility for your part in the marriage. Accept your responsibility to make the marriage work.

U - Understanding.

The only way you make it to stage three is to know and accept your differences, to recognize and realize that we're different. We're never going to be alike. But that's OK.

God didn't make another person just like me. I'm unique. I'm the only one like myself. You know your temperaments, you know your faults, but you still accept them. Out of that understanding comes ...

S - Security.

Mature love has a security that says, "No matter what happens, we will make it." You're not threatened by disagreements. When an argument comes along you don't get afraid and think, "Maybe the marriage is dying, maybe it's ending."

You think to yourself, "We've gone through too much together to let this slip away. We've had too many good experiences to let this current crisis or argument destroy our marriage."

The security comes from an unreserved commitment to each other. You say, "I'm committed to you regardless."

That security will revolutionize your marriage.

T - Truthful and Trusting.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Mature love is truthful. "It delights -- it rejoices -- in the truth."

You're open. You're honest. You say what you feel. You're truthful but you're tender. The Bible calls it "Speaking the truth in love."

That's the stage that God wants us to get to where we can find ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction. How do you get there?

How do you survive Stage Two so you can make it and thrive in Stage Three? Open up, give up, grow up. That's how you make it to Stage Three.

1. Open up.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

This is the starting point to get out of Stage Two and into Stage Three in a marriage is to open up.

It takes a lot of honest communication to get into the third stage. Admit you're part of the problem. Face the issues. Share your feelings and be honest with your spouse.

Quit pretending and quit concealing -- "This is where I'm hurting. This is what I don't like. This is what I need. What do you need? What is hurting you?"

Don't be defensive. It takes a lot of listening and a lot of leveling -- gut to gut -- to make it to Stage Three.

2. Give up.

2. Give up. Give up those ways of reacting that plainly don't work. Those things that tend to increase the problem rather than decrease the problem. The attitudes and responses that heighten the tension rather than reduce the tension. What are some of those common, self-defeating attitudes?

Give up those ways of reacting that plainly don't work. Those things that tend to increase the problem rather than decrease the problem.

Some things you need to give up:

The silent treatment. That's one you need to give up. "I'll just sulk and pout." Is anything wrong? "No!" Are you sure? "No!" Are you all right? "Just leave me alone!" The silent treatment is a way to kill marriage. I've seen marriages that died because or it.

Some other things you need to give up:

Threatening to walk out. "If you don't do this, just watch what happens!"

Sarcasm and ridicule. That never built a marriage.

Blame. As long as you spend all your time trying to fix the blame you can't fix the problem. You have to decide -- "What do I want in my marriage? Do I want to fix the problem or do I want to fix the blame?"

Frank Freed said, “Blame literally comes from B-LAME.” When you're blaming, you're being lame.

3. Grow up.

You open up, you give up and finally you grow up.

The greatest need in marriage is maturity. There are a lot of selfish, immature people God put together before they realized what they were doing.

3. Grow up. The greatest need in marriage is maturity. There are a lot of selfish, immature people God put together before they realized what they were doing. And the marriage can work if they will grow up and accept some responsibility.

And the marriage can work if they will grow up and accept some responsibility.

I talked about the fact that we have to learn to adapt and to adjust. There's got to be give and take. Grow up.

The Bible says here are three things that are going to last forever in -- faith, hope, love. Build your life on those three things, you'll have a relationship that built to last.

How do you have a marriage that will last forever? The Bible says here are three things that are going to last forever in -- faith, hope, love. Build your life on those three things, you'll have a relationship that lasts forever.

Dullness -- Have you become bored, complacent, your marriage is in the doldrums? It's not bad it's just ho-hum! Dullness.

Disagreements -- You're continually clashing and arguing and having conflict and fighting and poking at each other.

Defensiveness -- You accuse and you excuse. You blame.

Disapproval -- "I just don't respect my spouse any more!" What's the solution to that? Start treating them with respect. How do you change a person? The only way you change a person is two things: you change and treat them the way you want them to be. Don't give them a sermon, just treat them the way you want them to be. Disapproval -- constantly nagging, picking, put- down.

Disappointment -- some of you think, "I am trapped! What have I got myself into?" As a result you've got the big D -- Depression and maybe you even have thought about the other D -- Divorce. Jesus Christ can transform your marriage.

Would you in your heart right now pray a prayer to the Lord and express to Him the very feelings you have toward your relationship? Some of you are saying, "I am discouraged. I am depressed. Our marriage is dull. We do have disagreements. I am defensive." Just admit it. Say, "Jesus Christ, I admit that I'm part of the problem in my marriage. Sometimes I'm just plain selfish. Sometimes, Lord, I'm resentful. Sometimes, I'm stubborn. Sometimes I'm defensive. Please help me to change." Say, "Jesus Christ, help me to open up, and help me to give up all those things in my life that are self defeating, that don't build a marriage but tear it down -- threats, ridicule, blame, silent treatment, trying to change your partner, sarcasm, ridicule. Help me to open up. Help me to give up. Help me to grow up. Help me to mature, to become more like You." Say, "Jesus, I believe in You and I trust You to help me."

If you said that prayer in your heart, the Bible says, "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." If you prayed that prayer and meant it then God heard you. It's so simple that nobody could say it was too hard to understand. He says, "Just trust Me." That's the turning point.

If you prayed that prayer today for the very first time, I want to pray for you. "Today, I want to give my life and my marriage to Jesus Christ."

Lord, I thank You for many here this morning who are saying, "I want to be honest with God. I want to be honest to God. I've asked Jesus Christ into my heart." Lord, help them to understand it more. Help us, as a church, to help them. Thank You that we don't have to rely on our own power but we can depend on You. In Jesus' name we do pray. Amen.