Love Languages

Pass out Anger Assessment

Review Chapters 10-12

Chapter 10: Love is a Choice

Summary

Chapman emphasizes “love is a choice,” and our choices make a difference in our relationships.

He begins the chapter enquiring about the possibility of communicating in each other’s language while harboring anger and resenting past actions. He states human beings are rational creatures that make decisions and choices for both unwise and wise reasons. He argues people should always apologize when they make a mistake, bad decisions are bound to happen and we should make the tough decision of deciding to forgive and love again. Love does not make the past disappear but has a way of brightening the future.

Chapman writes that deciding to love your partner despite their flaws is the right emotional climate that helps the couple deal with past arguments or indiscretions.

Analysis

Chapman says that the only way love is maintained, is by both partners learning each other’s primary emotional love language and making a choice to love their partner each day. Love is a choice and a process that needs the will to keep the flame burning. Every person needs to be loved and feel significant.

Chapter 11: Love Makes the Difference

Summary

Psychologists state that love forms a connection to other emotional needs such as security, significance, and self-appreciation. The feeling of being loved by your partner gives a sense of security and of self-worth.  By having someone who loves you as much as when you first met, you feel that you are worth loving building self-esteem improving your quality of life.

Chapman argues if married people do not feel good about themselves and their self-worth, personality differences can become prevalent and more noticeable. This results in a struggle to prove one’s self-worth and significance which in turn can lead to arguments and the deterioration of the marriage.

Chapman addresses the fact that love is usually not the answer for most situations, but it enables a secure and open environment in which people can explore their emotions and look for answers. When love is present in a marriage, the couple feel safe to discuss any problems without fear of backlash or condemnation, making it easier to resolve their problems.

Analysis

Love is the epitome of success in marriage without which, most relationships deteriorate. Love is not the only solution to things, but it undoubtedly provides a platform through which even the unlovable spouse can regain love through understanding. Two people cannot walk together unless they agree, and the foundation of agreement is the concept of love which truly makes all the difference when it is present.

Chapter 12: Loving the Unlovely

Summary

Can one love an unlovable person? Chapman reflected on past experiences of lashing out and bickering which led to anger, eventually culminating in hate. What followed was a series of issues that made the concept of love an unrealistic aspect of their marriage. The mutual hatred between each other peaked and made them feel like they were getting to the very end of their marriage and began reconsidering their love life. Chapman and his wife learned to discuss their problems without critiquing each other, without condemnation, and without making decisions that would hurt each other's emotions. They would instead approach each other in a subtle manner offering suggestions while avoiding demands. Chapman and his wife decided to begin loving each other in the midst of condemnation, hate, and anger, stating that he and his wife gained affection when they discovered each other’s language of love.

Analysis

Loving the unlovely is an uphill task for all people since they tend to recoil when their feelings are hurt. When the seeds of hate, anger, and condemnation are planted in the heart of your partner, they tend to feel crushed. The self-esteem of the affected partner gets trampled which leads to a diminishing of self-worth. Subsequently, the love tank goes dry, and a distance develops which most people find irreparable. However, Chapman seeks to prove if one tries to learn the primary language of their spouse and reaches out to them, happiness will be regained.

TEACH

Chapter 10

QUESTIONS

1. Chapman says love is a choice that affects our relationships and how we value our own significance. What do you think?

2. Do past bad choices affect how love moves forward? And how should we deal with hurt, anger, and resentment in marital relationships?

2. Do past bad choices affect how love moves forward? And how should we deal with hurt, anger, and resentment in marital relationships?

3. According to the assessment, well do you deal with anger? (Would anyone like to share their assessment?)

How valuable are we to God?

TEACH

Matthew 10:29–31 The Message

29 “What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. 30 He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! 31 So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries.

(The Message) tells us how valuable we are to God.

“What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries.”

Anger can rob us of significance

We begin to think we are less than what we really are. What we often miss is the biblical perspective: TO BE LOVED IN A WAY WE CAN COMPREHEND has two sides; and, BOTH must be met to meet our internal feeling for significance.

The biblical word used to describe this is SANCTIFICATION

It is two-sides of the same coin. One side is the part God does, the other is the part He expects us to do. Let me explain.

The generic meaning of sanctification is "the state of proper functioning." To sanctify someone or something is to set that person or thing apart for the use intended by its designer.

i.e. A pen is "sanctified" when used to write. Eyeglasses are "sanctified" when used to improve sight. In the theological sense, things are sanctified when they are used for the purpose God intends. A human being is sanctified, when they live according to God's design and purpose.

The Greek word translated "sanctification" (hagiasmos) means "holiness." So we often translate it "to make holy."

QUESTION: What does this have to do with love being a choice, and significance?

Basic biblical principle: When we understand God’s love for us and the purpose God has for us, feelings of significance follow.

Side one of the coin: God reaches down and loves us in a way we can comprehend, and set us apart as His child, for His purpose.

Side two of the coin: We respond to God’s love by living the purpose for which He set us aside.

Our value is never determined by what OTHERS say or think about us, it is always determined by GOD’S holy purpose for our life.

We discover that purpose through our passions, which in turn gives us meaning to live each day and FEEL significant.

I AM SIGNIFICANT REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR THINKS!

QUESTION: What gives your life purpose and meaning. What invigorates you, gives you a reason to get out of bed?

When we identify our passions, we begin to discover our purpose.

QUESTION: What do you have a passion for?

Chapters 11-12

QUESTION: How does love make a difference and how can we love the unlovely?

How does love make a difference and how can we love the unlovely?

TEACH Stimulus/Response

You ALWAYS have a choice! The question is will your RESPONSE be grounded in reason or emotion?

STIMULUS > gap: freedom of choice < RESPONSE

You have the freedom to CHOOSE your response...

You decide what your attitude will be...

You either control your attitude or it controls you...

ILLUSTRATION

A man is grieving because his wife died. He is depressed and miserable.

He says to a friend, “Why did she die first?”

The friend says, “If you died first, would your wife be suffering like you are now?

The man says, “I imagine she would be, Yes!”

The friend responded, “Wouldn’t you prefer that YOU are the one suffering, rather than her?”

The man said, “Of course!”

(Did his circumstances change? No. But his attitude changed when he changed his response!)

“When we are no longer able to change our situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” —Victor Frankl

we are challenged to change ourselves.” —Victor Frankl

CONCLUSION

If I were to summarize the entire book, I would say it emphasizes the three basic needs of every person:

To be loved in a way they can comprehend that love.

To live free of enslavement.

To leave a legacy for those they loved.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

DISCOVER AND SHARE your purpose, passions, and meaning with one another.

INVEST in the purpose, passion, and meaning of your spouse.

INVEST in the purpose, passion, and meaning of your spouse.

pass out final handout