Uncomfortable People: Manipulators

Welcome to week two of our series we are calling “Uncomfortable: Learning to love and live with uncomfortable people.” If you have your Bibles, turn with me to Judges chapter 16. We won’t be putting the text on the screens today, so you might want to grab a bible and turn to . 

Last week we kicked the series off by talking about how we can best love and live with the constantly needy people and seek to truly restore them to their God-given potential.

Remember from last week that we said there are three things we all need to understand and agree upon as we walk through this series together:

1.  Life is full of “Uncomfortable People”- we can't avoid it, we will have them in our lives at some point in time.

2.  At one point or another we are all “Uncomfortable People”.

3.  God loves “Uncomfortable People”.  

Today, I want to look at the manipulating people in our lives. By definition a manipulator is “a person who controls or influences others in a clever or deceitful way.”

So, when talking about manipulating people, we are really talking about those people who try to control us by doing or saying various things in hopes to change what we think, say, or do.

We find controlling and manipulating people all through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. Eve manipulated Adam. Sarah controlled Hagar and manipulated Abraham. Jacob manipulated Esau. Laban manipulated and controlled Jacob. The sister and brother of Moses, Miriam and Aaron, attempted to control and manipulate their own brother. Eli's sons controlled and manipulated their own father and the people of God.

Delilah manipulated Samson. If you don't know who Samson is, he was the strong guy in the Old Testament who had supernatural strength that came from his long hair.

The Philistines, the enemy, wanted to know what the secret of his strength was. So, they paid Samson’s lover Delilah, to figure it out. She basically becomes an undercover spy on a mission to discover the secret to his supernatural strength.

Let’s read this together. .

6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Please tell me where your great strength lies, and how you might be bound, that one could subdue you.” 7 Samson said to her, “If they bind me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.” 8 Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she bound him with them. 9 Now she had men lying in ambush in an inner chamber. And she said to him, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!” But he snapped the bowstrings, as a thread of flax snaps when it touches the fire. So the secret of his strength was not known. 10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “Behold, you have mocked me and told me lies. Please tell me how you might be bound.”

Say what? Woman you just bound me up. You crazy girl. But, instead…

11 And he said to her, “If they bind me with new ropes that have not been used, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.” 12 So Delilah took new ropes and bound him with them and said to him, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!” And the men lying in ambush were in an inner chamber. But he snapped the ropes off his arms like a thread. 13 Then Delilah said to Samson, “Until now you have mocked me and told me lies. Tell me how you might be bound.”

Are you serious? I’ve given you two chances and you took both of them to try to trap me. Really? But, no, he says…

“If you weave the seven locks of my head with the web and fasten it tight with the pin, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.” 14 So while he slept, Delilah took the seven locks of his head and wove them into the web. And she made them tight with the pin and said to him, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!” But he awoke from his sleep and pulled away the pin, the loom, and the web…

15 And she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and you have not told me where your great strength lies.” 16 And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day, and urged him, his soul was vexed to death. (NIV says he was sick to death.) 

Anyone ever been nagged until your soul was vexed to death? Don’t nudge your spouse, come on now, be nice.

Verse 17 And he told her all his heart, and said to her, “A razor has never come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to God from my mother's womb. If my head is shaved, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man.” 18 When Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called the lords of the Philistines, saying, “Come up again, for he has told me all his heart.” Then the lords of the Philistines came up to her and brought the money in their hands. 19 She made him sleep on her knees. And she called a man and had him shave off the seven locks of his head. Then she began to torment him, and his strength left him. 20 And she said, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!” And he awoke from his sleep and said, “I will go out as at other times and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the Lord had left him.21 And the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes and brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze shackles. And he ground at the mill in the prison.

There’s another great story of a manipulator in but we won’t read it in full today. Let me summarize it for you.

Herod was having a huge birthday party and his stepdaughter danced for him. Herod was likely a little drunk when she danced and the Bible says that her dancing pleased him and all the dinner guest.

Herod promised the girl he would give here anything she wanted up to 50% of his kingdom. This is why I think he was drunk, I mean one dance and you’re ready to give half your kingdom away? Seriously?

So, the girl talked to her mother, Herodias, about the proposition and they decided that they wanted the head of John the Baptist on a platter.   

Now you need to know that Herodias despised John the Baptist, because John the Baptist had been calling out her sinfulness. John was already in prison because of Herodias and her influence.

So, they decided to use this moment to get what they wanted, the death of John the Baptist.

Here’s the sad truth of this story, Herod didn’t want to kill John. In fact, in verse 26 the Bible says that “the king was greatly distressed, but because of his oaths and his dinner guest, he did not want to refuse her.” The text continues with the order he gave for John the Baptist to be executed and his head presented on a platter.

Manipulation and control are a very common problem, in biblical days as well as today. Sadly, over time, one way or another people corner us and start to pull our strings, control us and we end up doing things we don’t want to do, giving things we didn’t want to give, or saying things we never intended to say.

A few important things to note about manipulating people:

#1 – Manipulators are typically close acquaintances. 

Sometimes it's a spouse – Adam/Eve. Sometimes it's a superior/boss – Sarah/Hagar. Sometimes it's a relative – Laban/Jacob, Miriam, Aaron/Moses. Sometimes it's a ministry – Eli's sons/people. Sometimes it's a lover – Delilah/Samson. People who try to manipulate us are usually close acquaintances.

Here’s the thing, when we are talking about how to love and live with manipulating people, we need to remember that we are talking about people that we generally care greatly about. Which is why this stuff is so important.

#2 – Manipulators use relationships to get what they want.

We’ve all seen and experienced this in our lives. This is the kid in school or that employee at work who would be called the “brown noser”, the suck up, the one that goes above and beyond (which isn’t a bad thing), but then because they establish a good relationship with the teacher or boss, they start to leverage that relationship to get what they want. 

They are great at appealing to what people and organizations need and then when they gain trust, they use it for their personal gain. This is where your motives come into play. 

It’s important for us to evaluate our own motives but to also check the motives of others who seem to be trying to control us.

#3 – Manipulators have powerful tools: threats, guilt, and silence.

Controllers and manipulators love to use threats. There is a feeling that if you do not do what the person wants, they will "punish" you. There is a fear of saying, "No" to them.

If threats don’t work, they might use guilt. Delilah used guilt on Samson. "If you really loved me, you would tell me."

Guilt is the tool they use to cause you to feel bad about what you are doing or not doing, and in doing so, cause you to do something else, which likely is what they want you to do anyways.

Then, of course, there is the silent treatment. The manipulator will not tell you what is wrong. They remain silent, and in doing so, you begin to feel bad, and then decide to do something to fix the silence.   

How many of us have people in our lives who try, and probably succeed at controlling and manipulating us using these tools? Anyone?

As I was preparing for this message, something I read caused me to really think about parenting. When you stop and think about it, most parents, at least those that I have talked with over time, likely have used these tools on their kids. Even married couples, if we are honest, might reach into the tool bag occasionally in order to get what we want.

Would anyone be willing to admit this morning that you have used threats, guilt, and or silence to get what you wanted from someone else? 

So how do we handle the uncomfortable people known as manipulators? For the rest of our time together this morning, I would like to share three steps to handling manipulators you may encounter.

Step 1: You must recognize that you are being manipulated.

It sounds a little silly to say recognize you are being manipulated, but you would be surprised at how many people don’t realize it. They have been controlled and manipulated for such a long time that the "doormat" life is normal. They have settled into this lifestyle.

You must recognize you are being manipulated and controlled.

Once Jesus was explaining to the disciples how he would be arrested, beaten, and crucified. This brought out control and manipulation in Peter.

I shared this story a few weeks ago, but try to imagine it as I read it.

 - 22 And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” 23 But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

Now, Peter pulls Jesus aside, which by the way is how most manipulators operate. They don’t typically try to manipulate in public, but in private.

Peter tries to control Jesus’ thoughts by saying “This shall never happen to you.”

Now, some people would say, what is so bad about this? How is this manipulation?   Please hear this, manipulation is ultimately something that stops people from doing what they should do.

Some manipulators are intentionally doing what they are doing trying to get you to change what you are doing, whereas, other manipulators don’t even know what they are doing. But, because they care a lot about you and think they know what is best, speak to you and try to control you and change your mind.

Peter loved Jesus, no doubt. But what Peter was trying to manipulate Jesus into doing was not what God wanted Jesus to do.

I was a student pastor for 17 years. Every year I experienced the same struggle. Every year, high school seniors, whom I loved and had created relationships with, would tell me that they were thinking about leaving and going to school somewhere. 

They would without a doubt ask me, “What do you think I should do? In those moments, I had to be careful because I wanted to say No! Stay here with me. But I could have been getting in the way of what God wanted for that student. I always tried to be prayerful and do my very best to help point students to God and His plan for their life, not mine. Because if I wasn’t intentional, I could actually begin to manipulate them into doing what I wanted them to do.

Peter was not a bad person and neither are most controlling and manipulating people we have to love and live with in life. They simply want us to do what they think we should do and not what God wants us to do. As was Peter, they are stumbling blocks to us.

Once we recognize that we are being manipulated…

Step #2 – Establish your boundaries.

Peter crossed the line. Once Jesus recognized that Peter was trying to keep him from doing what God had called him to do, he verbally established a boundary. “Get behind me.” “You’ve crossed the line.” “This isn’t going to work on me.”

We have to establish boundaries so we can manage the emotional stress that comes from living and loving uncomfortable people, especially manipulators. These boundaries will be different for everyone. Every family is different. Every relationship is different. So you have to prayerfully seek God and His Word and establish the boundaries necessary to protect you.

Over the years in ministry, I have had good, godly people try to manipulate and control me. For a long time, I didn’t even realize what they were doing. They most likely didn’t realize it either. But over the years, people have threatened me with all sorts of things. 

I’ve had parents threaten to remove their kid from youth ministry activities if I didn’t institute specific rules for trips. I’ve had people threaten to leave the church if I didn’t change something that bothered them. I’ve had people threaten to stop giving to the church if I didn’t preach from a specific translation of the bible.

I’ve had people threaten all types of things, and honestly, many of them may not have ever known that they were basically attempting to manipulate me.

Those that really know me, or whom have served with me for any length of time know that I want to do whatever I can do to help people move from where they are to where God wants them to go next.

I will do whatever I can to help, but if I feel you are trying to control or manipulate me and the decisions we are making as a church, “you’ve crossed the line.” We have to establish boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing those who intentionally or unintentionally, seek to control and manipulate our lives.

Step #3 – Confess your own control and manipulation.

All of us at some level are manipulative. At some level you have tried to control others around you. Your kids. Your parents. Your co-workers. Your friends. Your spouse. Your wealthy friend. 

I can't really speak on behalf of you, but I can tell you about me. In all honesty, I am a needy person, like I said last week, but I also know that I can easily become a control freak where because I want to control everything, I can easily fall into accidently become a manipulator.

We all have been manipulative at some point.

This was a huge breakthrough for me years ago. I honestly believed I could control everything and wouldn’t give anything away because I could do it better than anyone else. 

One day I had to confess to God that He is God and I am not. That His way is better than my way and that I can’t control everything and needed His help.

I frequently pray, God, I give you this church because is not mine, it's yours. These are your people. I can't do anything with this church nor the people in it. I give you my family, my wife and kids. They are yours, you’ve entrusted them into my care for this season of life and I want to do the best I can, but they are yours God.

When we pause to remember that we have our own control issues and that sometimes we try to manipulate things to get what we want, we can then shift our focus onto what God wants. 

This in turn helps us better love and live with uncomfortable people we encounter. 

Let’s pray together.