Marriage - a Model of a Mystery
“Marriage – a Model of a Mystery”
Ephesians 5:22-33
Please turn in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5. We will be looking at verses 22-33 this morning. For many of you who are married (and were perhaps looking ahead in the text), you might be thinking “This is the moment I was waiting for… This is where the pastor is going to tell my wife to submit to me”. Or, “he is going to make sure my husband is loving me like he should”. Now, I want you to resist the temptation this morning to think that this text is for your spouse. Rather, I want you to focus on you. If you are married, this text has something to communicate to you. I don’t care who you are. If you are a husband, I can assure you that you are not loving your wife to the best of your ability. And, if you are a wife, you are not submitting to your husband “in everything”. And if you are not married, I still want you to be dialed in. For if you are looking for a spouse, you need to be aware of your responsibilities and also what you are to be looking for in another. And even if you are progressing in your years, not looking for marriage, you can surely help others who are married or looking to get married.
Back to the married folk… You need to realize that you cannot change your spouse. You cannot force them to submit to you or to love you. The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts and empowers. If you want to pray for conviction for your spouse, that’s fine. But I also want you to pray for conviction for you. The other thing you can do is change you. That is your responsibility. Whether or not your spouse is obedient to their responsibility, you are still required to obey. Got it? Elbows at your sides and not in the ribcage of your spouse.
Another important thing to note at the outset is that this text does not exist in a vacuum. As Doug Lye reminded us last week, these headings, including chapters and verses, are not inspired by God. They were inserted by men to help us. So as we look at this section, we need to realize that it is closely attached to the previous section. So much so in fact that the translators were unsure as to where to put the break. Some have begun the section with verse 22 and others with verse 21. I would suggest that the transition would indeed be verse 21. I believe that all that is in this final section of the chapter stems from the command to be filled with the Spirit. Doug Lye taught us that singing and thanksgiving and submitting were all evidences of the Spirit’s control in our lives. And this next section gives us the specificity of the concept. We are to submit to one another: wife to husband, children to parents, slaves to masters. And this is all evidence of being filled, or controlled, by the Spirit.
I have entitled the sermon, “Marriage – a Model for a Mystery” because as the text indicates in verse 32, the roles and attitudes in marriage symbolize the relationship of Christ and the church. So, the way I see it, marriage is the ultimate expression or communication of this relationship; and thus is to be taken seriously. It provides a tremendous opportunity to glorify God.
We also need to understand also that this message is severely counter-cultural. These concepts do not jive with our society. We live in a culture of individualism, self-dependence, self-sufficiency, and of having our rights. So “submission” is likened to a four letter word. We don’t like to give up our “rights” or our “independence”.
We will be looking at the text in two points this morning: Marriage Roles and Marriage Attitudes. And we’ll start with our roles in marriage.
Some people are not going to like this passage. But I’ve got to tell you… it’s really liberating. And you ask, how can a text on submission be liberating? God created us and gave us His Word so that we wouldn’t have to fumble around and figure out how we are supposed to relate to each other. He laid it out for us so that there should not be any confusion. This is God-ordained.
Starting in verse 22 we read, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” There it is. I said it. I didn’t hear any cheers or “amens” on that one. A little tough to take perhaps… And the men are remaining quiet because they know that there is more in this text. And there really is no ambiguity here. We can’t say “well that’s kind of a stretch in interpretation there.” It just says it. Wives are to submit to your husbands as to the Lord. And here is where we are going to park for just a few moments because this concept needs some explanation and clarification.
“Submission” means to voluntary yield in love. It does not suggest that there is any value or de-value ascribed to the command. I want to be extremely clear here. Men and women were both created fully and equally in the image of God. Are you with me?? There are no deficiencies that necessitate the submission. God loves all mankind equally. Rather, submission has to do with function in the marriage relationship. We don’t have to guess. God has ordained it. Colossians 3 and Titus 2 say the same thing.
And the concept of submission shouldn’t be all that foreign to us. We know that God has ordained leadership in the church. And we are to submit to that leadership. Hebrews 13:17 tells us to “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you”. The text does not suggest that the leaders possess greater value than the others. Only that God has established church leadership to spiritually care for your souls. It has to do with function in the church.
When we look into the trinity, we acknowledge that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are co-equal. And yet we know from the Scriptures that the Son submits to the will of the Father, and the Spirit the Son. It has nothing to do with value. It has everything to do with function.
And those of us who have placed our trust in Christ have “yielded” or “submitted” our will to His. The Gospels liken it to denying ourselves and following Christ. Likewise, when we marry biblically, the wives have indicated that they now submit to the leadership of their husband in everything. That’s what verse 24 says. You know, I looked at that and I said, “really? In everything?” So I looked at the Greek and consulted commentaries. Do you know what it really means? It means “in everything”. All aspects of life with your husband.
And our text goes on to say that this submission is service rendered to the Lord. Wives are in obedience to the Lord inasmuch as they are submitting to their husbands. Dr. George Knight adds that Paul does not “mean by this to stifle the wife’s thinking and acting. Rather, he wants that thinking and acting to be shared with her husband (as his is to be shared with her) and for her to be willing to submit to his leadership “in everything”. The wife should not act unilaterally. Just as the church should willingly submit to Christ in all things and, if it does so, will not find that stifling, demeaning, or stultifying of growth and freedom, so also wives should willingly submit to their husbands in all things and, if they do so, will not find that stifling, demeaning, or stultifying.” That does not mean that you will always agree with your husband. But only that you need to submit to him. For it is the husband who will have to answer to God for his leadership.
This is probably a good time to talk about what submission is not. “Submission”, by its definition, is not husbands forcing their wives to be subject to them. That is abuse. This verb is in the middle voice and indicates that it is something that they, the wives, must do voluntarily. Just as women cannot force their husbands to love them, husbands cannot force their wives to submit to them. Also, Paul does not ask every woman to submit to every man. This text indicates that women are to submit to their own husband and nobody else’s. And additionally, it does not mean that the wife is to submit to sinful behavior. That is contrary to God’s plan and design for marriage.
Next, Paul gives us the reason for the wife’s submission. Verses 23 and 24 reads “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” It does not say that the husband should be, could be, someday will be the head. The text says that the husband IS the head of the wife. Is Christ the head of the church?? Did we vote on that? Do we have a say in that? The same is true for the role of the husband. As Christ is the authority over the church, so the husband is the authority over his wife. And this isn’t just introduced here. But it is rooted in Creation. Man was created first. Eve was created for Adam – to be his helpmate. 1 Corinthians 11:8-9 reads, “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man”. But don’t worry ladies. By the time we get a better idea of what headship looks like, you won’t want it.
Husbands, you are divinely appointed by God to protect and provide for your wife and family. The text reads in verses 26-27, “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” And we are to do the same for our wives as the heads of household.
What does this look like? How do we sanctify, present our wives in splendor, without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish? We minister the Word. Men, we are the primary spiritual leaders in the home. We are not the only ones, but the primary ones. We are charged with the responsibility to ensure that our families are growing spiritually. In chapter 6 verse 4 this applies also to our children. We are to take the initiative in leading our families in times of worship, prayer time, and Bible instruction. It doesn’t mean that wives don’t teach the children. It means that we are the driving force! We are the ones who lead our families through these doors on Sunday mornings. We are the ones who open the Word at the dinner table. We are the ones kneeling at bedsides in prayer. We are the ones studying with our wives. How many of us actually study alongside our wives?? I’m not looking for a showing of hands.
Now I want to be careful how I say this here. I rejoice that our Men’s studies and Women’s studies are thriving at the moment. But I also hope that these are taking place in addition to the study being done as couples. I understand also that there are those who are divorced, unmarried, or married to unbelieving spouses. And these may be your primary study. Husbands, it is not the primary role of the pastor, the elders, the Women’s ministry leader, small group leader, Sunday School teacher, Dr. Phil or Oprah to feed your wives spiritually. It is yours!!
And you know what? You have nothing to offer if you are not growing spiritually. You can only lead spiritually if you are growing spiritually. This is a divine calling. This is what God has designed for you in marriage.
So those are the roles in marriage. The husband is the head of the wife. And the wife is to be in submission to his leadership. Next, we have the Attitudes in Marriage.
Men, I’m going to stick with you since I already have your attention. Verse 25 tells us that husbands are to love their wives. To which you say, “Check”. I do love my wife. As Christ loved the church… Hmmm… “I do love her a lot!” There is a common misconception regarding the word “love” and others like it. “Love” is not just a feeling but rather an action. “Love is a verb”. It implies action. Look at the following example. “As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” He did something to love the church. HE GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER. Christ’s giving of Himself was personal and sacrificial. Second, Christ’s giving of Himself was for the benefit of His bride. He gave Himself up for her.
Men, I don’t know about you. But I would admit to you that my life and marriage aren’t always characterized by this. I don’t always give myself up for my wife. True, it does refer to laying down your life for her. We would probably all say that we are willing to die for our wives. But are we willing to “die to self” daily for her. For me. it is far too easy to think of myself first and often. And then when I consider how Christ gave himself up for his church, for his bride, I realize that I fall way short!! When I consider my selfishness with his selflessness, may God help me! We are so quick to cash in on our rights and what we deserve, that we neglect what we are called to do. Think of the rights that Jesus Christ had – sitting on the throne in heaven, worshipped by millions of angels and saints. Yet for our sake he left all that to take on flesh, even as a tiny baby, understanding that he would ultimately be shunned by those he created, beaten and put to death on a cross! He loved the church and gave himself up for her.
And our understanding of marriage is faulty. Let’s look ahead just a bit. Verse 28 says that, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.” What is Paul getting at here? Let’s keep reading and note the times Paul refers to flesh or body. “He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’”
What Paul is doing essentially is intertwining three biblical concepts together and applying them to marriage. Paul first introduces the concept of body in reference to the church being the body of Christ. This is a predominant theme throughout the book to the Ephesians. In chapter 1:23, Paul refers to the church as Christ’s body the fullness of him who fills all in all. In chapter 2:26, He indicates that God has brought together Jew and Gentile into one body, the church. Again in chapter 3, Jew and Gentile in the same body. In chapter 4, Paul indicates that there is one body. And that pastors and teachers are to equip the saints for ministry in the body. And in verse 16, Paul illustrates that we are many parts of one body. And then in our passage this morning, Paul uses the word body three times to show relationship of husband to wife, and Christ to the church, his body. Christ is the head or authority of the body. He loves the body and gave himself up for it. He cares for her and nurtures her, leads and guides her, and presents her holy and blameless.
The second concept that Paul alludes to is the first marriage in Genesis chapter 2. Let’s turn there – Genesis 2. Pick up the text with me in verse 18. 18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
We are all familiar with this passage. And if you are married, you may pay lip service to the fact that, once joined in marriage, you are no longer two, but one. But living that concept is another challenge. Do we always operate as though we are on the same team? Or are we constantly seeing each other as an obstacle to getting our way? Are we continually jockeying for position and battling for our desires? According to this text, we are one flesh. We are on the same team. And inasmuch as we love our wives, we love ourselves. Get it? The amount that you pour into your wives, you are essentially pouring into and caring for yourselves. Your wives are an extension of you. Left arm-right arm. Same body. He who loves his wife loves himself. Let each of you love his wife as himself. So men… nourish and cherish your wife. She is part of you. And in most cases, the better part.
Third, Paul alludes to the concept in Leviticus 19:18 which says that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. In a very direct way the husband should have love for his nearest and dearest neighbor, his wife.
Wives, verse 33 says let the wife see that she respects her husband. He is the head of the household. And he will not rise to the occasion when he has a wife that constantly belittles him or contends for control. Whether or not he “has arrived” yet, he is divinely appointed by God to lead and to be respected by his wife. It is very true that men feed off of the affirmation and respect that they get from their wives. Ladies, if you tell your man that he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, he will believe it. Conversely, if you continually remind him of his shortcomings, he will believe them. In the same way that wives long to be loved the way it is mentioned in this text, so husbands long for the respect and admiration of their wives.
Can you see the repercussions if we all were to carry these commands out? What happens when we see men leading their families for Christ – nourishing and cherishing their wives, leading them in the Word of God and prayer, bringing them to worship on Sunday mornings? When we see wives supporting their leadership and respecting them, working together as a family unit for the glory of God? I’ll tell you what happens. You see a healthy church. These same men and women see the value in using their gifts in service to the body of Christ. And can you see what happens if we don’t? Division, strife, competition.
Let me provide you with a shortcut to carrying these out. Wives, be lovable. Husbands, be respectable. We men can do some stupid things that do not help our wives to respect us. Let’s help them out a bit, shall we? I can almost guarantee that if we were loving our wives selflessly, cherishing and nourishing them, they would have little trouble respecting us. And conversely, if wives would submit to the leadership of their husbands and respect them, they would be well-loved.
However, remember also that our responsibilities are not contingent on the other carrying out their obligations. We need to love our wives even if they don’t respect us or submit to our leadership. The command does not change. And we cannot force them to submit. It is voluntary submission.
And yes, wives, you need to respect your husbands and submit to them even if they are not loving you as Christ loved the church. But remember that does not include submitting in sinful behavior.
Men, I want to challenge you to keep one another accountable. Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” I want you to be able to ask me if I am opening the Word with my family, if I am cherishing and loving my wife. Starting tomorrow. I’m going to ask you too. I’m going to ask you because the health of the church depends upon it and the glory of God is at stake.
Let’s Pray