Home Architects

Introduction:

Have you ever had that teacher that was great at teaching subjects but lousy at teaching students? This week it came up in conversation as Lisa and I had coffee with a couple. I remember both kinds of teachers from my school days.

There was a particular environment in which I could learn optimally. These were the keys to teaching young Lucas something. You had to be a person of character who I could respect. If this was missing I just wasn’t willing to learn from you. I know, immaturity at its finest but still true during that time of my life. In fact I failed Biology my senior year in part because I had no respect for my teacher. I just wouldn’t show up for class and it was hard to thrive in that environment.

The second component to the optimal environment for me to learn in was having a sense that the teacher wanted me to grow, succeed, and was not just there to teach a subject.

You see. In many ways for me to come under authority and teaching I required these elements to be present in the class room. Not being easy or a push over as a teacher but rather genuinely interested in the success of students. In fact one of my favourite teachers of all time was a guy we would call Mr. S. He would kick your butt but you knew he was in it to make you better. He was the architect of his classroom and he was successful in creating a space where students wanted to come and learn in. He was respected and he was in it to invest in students. That made all the difference.

Today I want to chat about what it is to be an architect in the home. In fact the title of my sermon today is “Architect”

If you’re taking notes write this down.

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

Let me say that again.

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

Now I want to be clear from the get go. You are not the lone ranger in creating the environment but rather you are responsible for it. This is done, thank God in mutual partnership with your wife.

You areArchitects

So why Architects. It’s because there is a difference between architects and engineers. Engineering the home is how most men operate.

Engineers are about utility and function.

Here’s a picture of a building produced and designed by an engineer.

Show Picture

An architect consider structure and utility but through the lens and filter of how does my building evoke emotion. An architect is obsessed with how people feel when they walk into an environment they create.

Show Picture (The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain) Frank Gehry

Paul is going to challenge the status quo of the first century, and frankly the

We’re going to unpack this as we move forward in Colossians Chapter 3.

In order to do this we can’t just read verse 19 of Chapter 3 in isolation though. We need to get a sense of the pattern that Paul is laying out.

You see Paul is more interested in this idea that the Christian life is more than just theory and theology.

In verse 18 he makes a shift from understanding the premise to now understanding the function of how this faith in Jesus looks.

Let’s look at this pattern.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Do you see the pattern of responsibility.

Wives, Children, Bondservants (Workers).

Submit, Obey, Obey & Serve.

Now this is too often where we leave it but there is another pattern of responsibility at play here. I would argue an even greater responsibility and it follows those commands.

It’s about who’s responsible for the being the architects of the environments in which these commands are to be lived out.

Husbands, Agape your wives.

Father’s, Don’t provoke

Masters (Boss’s, Managers), treat your employees, direct reports justly and fairly.

Now we’re going to talk about these subsequent relational dynamics in the coming weeks so I don’t want to steal from those sermons but I want you to recognize the patterns of responsibility in the midst of Pauls commands.

As it pertains to the relationship of husbands and wives we need to understand the historical context in which Paul is saying these things.

It’s interesting to me how the dynamics of culture shape our responses to scripture.

This is why we need to check our culture at the door when we study scripture so we don’t try and make Scripture say what we want it to say based on our culture and society.

Once we establish the principles and truths of the author we can then look at our culture and filter it through what the scriptures are saying to us.

Lisa spoke to the tensions of last weeks sermon that was entitled, “Me, Submit?”

Our culture has swung to a particular place which then gives emotion and tensions to the truths of God’s word. Let me share with you the tension of the first century because it looked very different.

As Paul was writing this, the dynamics of husbands, wives, men, and women were very different.

Women were considered not much more than property and a means to an end for children, family, and in particular, sons.

When Paul wrote these words under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit he was writing a completely new paradigm.

Women would have celebrated this news.

The tension lay with the men of the first century, because to follow Jesus meant loving their wives with a sense of equality and partnership in their shared mission together.

I say it a lot in conversation but Gordon Fee is famous for speaking of finding the radical middle in the study of scripture.

This is a case in point.

God’s plan so often is found in the middle of the extremes of society and culture.

Paul turned first century Christianity on it’s head with this teaching and quite frankly it’s this teaching, and the propagation of Christianity that has given us this free society of equality and mutual respect that we live in, unprecedented in human history.

William Barclay makes this observation.

The Letters to Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians The Personal Relationships of Christians (Colossians 3:18–4:1)

The Christian ethic is an ethic of mutual obligation. It is never an ethic on which all the duties are on one side. As Paul saw it, husbands have as great an obligation as wives; parents have just as binding a duty as children; masters have their responsibilities as much as slaves.

This pattern that Paul lays out is one that gives each part of society their God given responsibilities. Wives, submit to your husbands, followed quickly by the responsibility of the husband to be an architect of the environment in which that happens.

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

So let’s talk about how that happens.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

The first thing to notice in this command is the use of words that are used.

Love: The word used here is agape. Husbands, agape your wives.

Why is this important? Because this is the word that describes the love that Jesus extends to humanity and to the church.

Paul writes the same command to the church in Ephesus in

English Standard Version Chapter 5

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The key ingredient to building the environment of your home is found in the word agape.

The kind of love that has no strings attached.

Husbands, can I bring it to the extreme for you?! Worst case scenario?

Now I believe if you pick up on this your relationship won’t stay this way for long but listen carefully.

Love freely, even if it’s not reciprocated.

Agape love is one that does not require reciprocation.

This is what it means to love your wife as Christ loves the church. This is an environment of grace, this is an environment where your wife can thrive.

The best example we have of this in scripture in found in the Old Testament in a book called Hosea. If you haven’t read it I dare you to take a look.

Hosea was a prophet in Israel and God commanded him to go marry a prostitute and start a family. Well, he does that in obedience to God and after a few kids she takes off to be with other men.

Later Hosea finds her and has to do what they call redeem her which costs him a great deal.

Once again, Gomer his wife is back in the house and they are together.

Now I bring that book of the Old Testament to your attention because there’s a certain viceral response that it stirs up.

This is the picture of how Jesus loves the church. Even in the midst of rejection, even when the world was against him and hurt him he gave his life for the world.

This is what walking obedience begins to do in you! It’s as much about the one you love as it is the deep work of grace that happens in you when you choose to love someone other than yourself in this way.

I think it was a ‘Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” that I heard it said that marriage is the great crucible.

It was both meant as a joke but also as a harsh truth to the human condition.

Marriage is the great crucible, so are kids, and I mean that in the most positive and best way possible. When you get married and have to partner in life with another human being you become acutely aware of just how selfish you are.

For many, marriage is the single greatest tool of the spirit in the refining of the human being. It’s the most intimate of relationships that shape us the most, for better or for worse.

The first and most prominent ingredient to the architecture of the home is love. A love that wants the best for the other, with no strings attached.

You mean even if she doesn’t respect me?

Who’s ever heard the old adage, women thrive on knowing they’re loved and men thrive on knowing they’re respected. Not in a subservient way but in an authentic way.

Here’s the problem. What Paul is saying here is husbands of the first century and beyond. You cannot just demand to be respected.

You must strive to become respectable. How do you do that in the context of your marriage. Love extravagantly, with no strings attached and that act on a daily basis will do something deep in you. Earning respect not just in your marriage but in your family, extended family and the community at large.

Earning respect not just in your marriage but in your family, extended family and the community at large.

I had a coffee with someone a few weeks ago and we were chatting about the power of living the concepts and principles of faith. He told me a story about being approached by a man in the grocery story that he doesn’t even know.

This family had observed the love between this couple as they held hands and interacted with one another. The man said to him in the store. I told my boys that that is what a marriage should look like.

When you begin to live out this dynamic in your home it’s going to bleed into the marketplaces and the community around you because marriage is meant to be the great illustration of Christ’s love for the church.

Your marriage isn’t just about you but has power to be the testimony of the love and grace of Jesus extended to the world.

This is why the foundations of marriage are so under attack today.

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

The second part of this verse is an interesting one.

English Standard Version Chapter 3

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Now this is actually somewhat of a poor translation of the meaning to this word harsh.

There’s a word that fits better and carries an interchangeable meaning here.

Bitter, do not be bitter toward them.

The second interchange would be:

Embittered, do not embitter them.

Let me tackle the first.

N.T. Write says this about this first perspective of bitterness.

Colossians and Philemon: An Introduction and Commentary iv. New Life—At Home (3:18–4:1)

In particular, he must scrupulously avoid the temptation to resent her being the person she is, to become bitter or angry when she turns out to be, like him, a real human being, and not merely the projection of his own hopes or fantasies. It is when husbands and wives understand these guidelines and live by them that they are truly free: free to mature and develop, within the creative context of mutual love and respect.

In other words we all go into marriage with an assumption of who we said yes to and when the shine wears off we realize our mutual reality is another broken human being in the home with us.

But this dynamic isn’t the exception it’s the rule. This is the reality of relationship and men, you need to guard your hearts from the fantasy.

The single greatest lie told in the story of romance is the ideal that, “you complete me”.

If you’re married turn to your spouse and tell them, “You Don’t Complete Me”.

If you’re single here, look around the room for that potential candidate, and don’t say it out loud but think it in your head, “you won’t complete me”.

It’s this warped view of love that in part has contributed to the breakdown of family and marriage in this, our 21st century society in the west.

Only Jesus completes the human soul and it’s out of that source and foundation that we can have effective and beautiful relationships.

Husbands, your wife won’t complete you and so don’t become bitter towards her when she lets you down because she will at times let you down.

Probably the best example of

But there’s a flip side to this word.

It can also speak to the embittering of your wife.

Here’s why.

If you have created an environment at home where you demand respect without becoming a respectable man and do little to nothing in the arena of loving your wife with no strings attached you are creating a perfect environment for your wife to grow bitter.

Put yourself in her shoes. She’s against a rock and a hard place coming out of last weeks teaching. “Wives submit to your husbands.”

Husbands, if you’re not intentional about creating loving environments for your wife and family to thrive in you are creating a tension that is difficult to bear.

A tension of honouring God in obedience to the word while trying to guard her heart in a home environment that is either toxic or indifferent

Just ask Lisa about our marriage 12 years ago. I was a gong show, unhealthy, and toxic. Now I’m certainly not perfect now, although I’m sure Lisa would disagree.

But it’s been a night and day difference over the years as we grow together in our callings, our maturing in Jesus, and our mutual love and respect for one another.

But

Husbands love your wives, agape your wives because in so doing you are creating an environment in which you alleviate the tension of her obedience to God’s word in submission because you have created an environment of love and mutual respect.

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

Call the Worship Team

Conclusion:

I wanted to conclude today and make things really practical for everyone in the room which can be difficult on a sermon primarily aimed at a particular subset of people.

Husbands, I’ll start with you.

This is usually where I would reference a book by Gary Smalley called, “The Five Love Languages”. but let’s be honest with each other; we both know you’re not going to read it.

So let me put it this way.

Discover the ways that your wife best receives love. You might ask, how do I do that? Ask her!

That’s your home work for the drive home. Ask her.

But it doesn’t stop there. Chances are the ways that she receives love are very different from the ways you express love.

Here’s the formula for success in this area. Discover her love language and then start expressing love to her in that way until you are completely uncomfortable.

I’m not done yet.

Then double it.

Here’s the deal men of function and utility. Just when you think you are loving well, you’re probably only half way there in being an architect of the environment in which your wife can thrive.

That’s why Paul references Jesus love for the church to the way we are to love our wives.

Dying to self, for the sake of the other.

Wives, I’m going to speak to you now.

Help a guy out.

Be self aware enough to know what your needs are and communicate them in grace.

Us guys need all the help we can get.

Finally, singles.

Be intentional in finding yourself in Jesus instead of undertaking the impossible task of “finding yourself” in the arms of another flawed human being.

Be fulfilled in Christ and you will find yourself looking more and more like Jesus, not just for yourself but for Lord willing your future spouse and/or the friends and community around you.

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them”

Men have a responsibility to be architects of the environments of the home.

Again, this doesn’t mean you do it alone, we all know you need all the help you can get.

But it does mean that you will be held responsible for the environments you created. Whether that’s with intention or indifference, love or toxicity.

Let pray.