am012708-God's Response to Abusive Relationships
GOD’S RESPOSE TO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Abusiveness can be found anywhere in the world, in every type of relationship. It can occur anytime in the form of child abuse, spouse abuse, religious abuse, and sexual abuse in the home or at the work place.
Abuse can be defined as a misuse of power and control over another person’s life. It can be either physical or emotional or it can be both. As you can imagine this is an enormous subject and we are going to limit this subject to emotional abuse within the marital relationship.
It should be very obvious that physical abuse that occurs between husbands and wives is never acceptable and is always wrong. In any act of physical abuse, the one being abused has the right to flee to a place of safety. God’s laws in the Old Testament protected the innocent. One of the God ordained functions of governments is to protect people from physical abuse. We see this in the Apostle Paul’s life where there were times he was beaten because he had no place to escape; at other times he was able to escape from physical abuse.
Emotional abuse can be just as painful as physical abuse but is not manifested outwardly on the body. Today much is being written about divorce based on emotional abuse. With our attitude toward divorce today such as a ‘no-fault divorce’ and ‘irreconcilable differences’, there are many who search the scriptures to find ways to make emotional abuse a basis for a biblical divorce. Is ‘emotional abuse’ a justifiable basis for divorce? What is God’s response to this issue?
2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; 17 so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.
The Scriptures are sufficient for every subject either by direct command or by principle. This issue is very difficult because there is not a specific passage that deals with emotional abuse within marriages. Therefore, this leads some to read between the lines of scripture, to allow the writings of men to be on par with the scriptures. Anytime you and I emotionally hurt it can hinder our ability to properly interpret the Scriptures. This is why we need to have close, biblically knowledgeable friends for guidance and support.
All marriages go through times of silence toward one another, glares, name-calling, criticism; husbands and wives are equally guilty of manipulating one another to get their way. Though common, it is not pleasing to the Lord. This is a type of emotional abuse and there are degrees of emotional abuse beginning with a day now and then to periods of weeks and perhaps months of emotional abuse or even years.
Some have isolated emotional abuse into the following phases:
1. Tension-building Phase
Either spouse avoids talking about issues for fear of another hurtful episode. This stage could last for long periods of time. Often when there is silence from one spouse it is seen by the other spouse as being mad or getting even and this could be true; but, it could be the silence is there because of the emotional abuse that comes from one’s spouse. Jesus was silent before the high priest.
2. Abusive Incident Phase
This is usually a short period of time but often occurs out of nowhere. Some little thing could trigger it for not good reason.
3. Calm and Penance Phase
Spouse confesses their behavior is ungodly and asks for forgiveness. Things return to normal for a while.
This cycle is very common in all marriages but the danger is when things are not made right through admitting wrong and learning from the issue. Better behavior without resolution only intensifies the next cycle of these three phases.
Myths Regarding Emotional Abuse:
1. Wives only experience emotional abuse
Wives are more likely to talk to other women about it; men seldom talk to anyone.
2. Husband or wife can’t help it; it’s just their nature.
3. God would have no spouse experience emotional abuse.
4. Reconciliation is impossible.
5. Movie industry has no effect on emotional abuse.
God’s Response Regarding Emotional Abuse:
1. Christ’s Example
1 Peter 2:20-25
20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. ( a spouse is commendable before God when he/she accepts poor treatment with faith in God’s sovereign care, rather than responding in anger, hostility, discontent, pride, or rebellion)
21 For you have been called for this purpose (to show how God can sustain you), since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 22 who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; 23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. 25 For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.
Matthew 27:39-44
39 And those passing by were hurling abuse at Him, wagging their heads 40 and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself! If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” 41 In the same way the chief priests also, along with the scribes and elders, were mocking Him and saying, 42 “He saved others; He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel; let Him now come down from the cross, and we will believe in Him. 43 “He trusts in God; let God rescue Him now, if He delights in Him; for He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’ ” 44 The robbers who had been crucified with Him were also insulting Him with the same words.
1 Peter 3:1-17
1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. 7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 8 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; 9 not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. 10 For, “The one who desires life, to love and see good days, Must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit. 11 “He must turn away from evil and do good; He must seek peace and pursue it. 12 “For the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, And His ears attend to their prayer, But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” 13 Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? 14 But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled, 15 but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; 16 and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame. 17 For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.
God’s Response Regarding Emotional Abuse:
Christ’s Church
The church is designed to protect its members; it is designed to hold disciples accountable for their actions.
Matthew 18:15-17
15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Tragically, there are believers who won’t share with the elders of the church their concern but will tell a lawyer and the courts! Why? I don’t trust the leaders, I’m embarrassed, I know what they believe about this issue. Rare lawyer who will tell you don’t divorce.
1 Corinthians 6:1-6
1 Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints? 2 Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? 4 So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church (unbelievers have no standing in the church)? 5 I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, 6 but brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers?
The church has the resources of God’s wisdom, love, and care. Paul is saying how can this be?
Challenge:
Physical abuse – Flee to safety; church body must be the place of safety: separation must occur and divorce may occur by the abuser.
Emotional abuse – Seek counsel from godly friends and church leader when emotional abuse becomes excessive: separation/ divorce is not supported by scripture
Church body– Prepared to provide counsel, intervention, church discipline, and pre-marital counseling.