Friendships--pt. 2

Good evening, students! We are in our second week of our series where we’re talking about friendships and relationships.

We have all had great friendships and horrible friendships. Friendships can sometimes be filled with love, and friendships can also be filled with anger, grief, sadness, or hurt.

We talked about this idea last week when we talked about how we were CREATED to be relational.

However, sin entered the pictured and fractured all of our relationships.

We talked last week about how sin is the reason that our friendships and our relationships are messy.

We also said that Jesus is the reason our friendships and relationships can be healed and give life!

We looked at a verse in the Bible that is the main idea for our series, and it is this:

Walk with the wise and become wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

And our desire for this series is to help you figure out,

first, who are you walking with? Who are the people surrounding you? Are they wise or are they fools?

But why does it matter who we are friends with? Well, just liked we said last week:

BFFs can affect the quality and direction of your life.

Let’s look back at the verse we just read, and see if you can’t see the quality and direction of life.

Walk with the wise and become wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

When you walk with the wise, what happens? you become wise!

ou become wise! If you have friends who are great and help you make wise choices, then the quality and direction of your life will be better!

If you have friends who are great and help you make wise choices, then the quality and direction of your life will be better!

What happens if you have bad friends?

It says right there, “suffers harm.”

If your friends are terrible, then your life is going to terrible.

If your friends are angry, then you may be angry.

The problem is that many of us don’t know how to pick our friends, nor do we even understand why it matters.

Tonight, we are going to look at how we pick our friends and what kind of influence they can have over us.

We are going to look at the story of David and Jonathan, and we are going to start in .

1 Samuel is in the Old Testament, and it’s the eighth book in the Old Testament.

And while I was thinking about the friendship between David and Jonathan, I wondered to myself …

how did I become friends with my friends now?

How do most of us become friends with other people?

Maybe some of you have never thought about it, but it made me think of a clip from a TV show called The Big Bang Theory.

In the show, the main character, Sheldon, is trying to figure out how people become friends, and his other friends are discussing his theory.

Let’s watch:

Video clip (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0xgjUhEG3U)

Does anyone here have a complex algorithm for determining friendship?

Now, maybe you can’t remember how you and your friends started being friends,

but let’s look at an example in the Bible where we can see the beginning of a friendship and how it matures.

Leading up to , we see that David, a young man and shepherd, is chosen by Samuel, a prophet, to be the next king of Israel.

David is then led into the service of King Saul as someone who plays music for him.

David grows in popularity by killing Goliath, and so Saul enlists David into service for the king.

It is here where our story starts. David has just killed Goliath and is with King Saul.

(NIV)

As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. 4 And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

One of the first things we see is that Jonathan became one in spirit with David. This is the beginning of their friendship. You see, Jonathan didn’t just go out walking along the road, asking people to be his friend. He saw that David did something mighty in the name of God. Jonathan saw greatness in David. He respected him, and so he became deep friends with him.

One of the first things we see is that Jonathan became one in spirit with David. This is the beginning of their friendship.

You see, Jonathan didn’t just go out walking along the road, asking people to be his friend.

He saw that David did something mighty in the name of God.

Jonathan saw greatness in David.

He respected him, and so he became deep friends with him.

Jonathan became friends with him because he could see the great potential within David.

He could see that David was a man with a good heart.

Great friendships start by looking at a person’s deeds and heart, not by looking at their words and promises.

A person backs up their words and promises with their heart and their deeds.

We need to see if our friends’ deeds and heart match up with their words and promises.

If those two things are completely off, then that person isn’t being a good friend.

Jonathan was impressed by who David WAS, not by who David SAID he.

Jonathan saw the mighty deeds of David, he saw David’s heart for the nation and the people.

Jonathan saw the bravery within David. David didn’t just say he was going to do something or be someone, David got it done.

Are your friendships based off what your friends SAY they are?

Or how they ACTUALLY are?

We have all had friends who were fake.

Friends who we eventually realized were all about themselves.

These are the types of friends who talk a big talk but who don’t walk a big walk.

We see here, in this story of David and Jonathan, that they didn’t just say they were friends.

So, how do we know they became good friends?

It says that Jonathan “loved David as himself,” and that “Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.”

Not only did Jonathan make a covenant, but he gave him a bunch of his stuff.

It looks like Jonathan gave him everything he was wearing, but I can assure you that he was not naked!

Now, you must remember that Jonathan was the king’s son.

He was a prince.

And David was just a shepherd.

Jonathan gave up some of his things, some of his prized possessions,

to show David that he was loved by Jonathan and that he was committed to being friends.

Great friendships involve open hands, not closed hands.

When we talk about being open-handed, it means that we willingly give to others.

The word “mine” is not in our vocabulary when we have friendships with open hands.

Open hands lead to high fives.

Open hands lead to a comforting pat on the back.

Open hands lead to handshakes.

Open hands allow us to pull someone up when they are down.

And you know what the result of being around open-handed people is?

It means being around people who are always encouraging to you, people who support your dreams, and people who love who you are, not what they want you to be.

Closed hands means that we aren’t willing to give up what is ours.

Closed hands say “mine” and not “ours.”

Closed hands show that you aren’t interested in being friendly.

Closed hands lead to fights.

Closed hands cause you to knock someone down.

And what is the result of being around closed-handed people?

It means being around people who are constantly putting you down, people who tell you that you are dumb or aren’t ever going to make it.

It means being around people who only take what they need from you.

Are you choosing friends who have an open hand,

who are ready to shake your hand or give you a high five?

Or are you choosing friends who have their arms crossed and closed hands?

The start of the friendship sets the tone for the whole remainder of the relationship.

Let’s look again at Jonathan and David.

As we continue in 1 Samuel, we see that David eventually marries, one of Saul’s daughters Michal, and so he and Jonathan become brothers-in-law.

We see that Saul eventually becomes more and more jealous of the favor shown to David by God.

Saul continually threatens David, and what does Jonathan do? Jonathan stays by David’s side!

We pick up the story in , and at this point,

Saul knows that his reign as king is coming to end,

but he doesn’t want David to be the next king.

King Saul asks his son Jonathan where David is, because he is supposed to be at the palace during this feast.

Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? 31 For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.”

An important part is this: God promised that David would be the next king—not Jonathan.

Jonathan is the natural heir to the throne,

so when Jonathan defends David,

he is essentially giving up his right to be the next king.

Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.

32 Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. 34 And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him.

In the morning Jonathan went out to the field for his meeting with David. He had a small boy with him, and he said to the boy, “Run and find the arrows I shoot.” As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. When the boy came to the place where Jonathan’s arrow had fallen, Jonathan called out after him, “Isn’t the arrow beyond you?” Then he shouted, “Hurry! Go quickly! Don’t stop!” The boy picked up the arrow and returned to his master. (The boy knew nothing about all this; only Jonathan and David knew.) Then Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said, “Go, carry them back to town.”

35 In the morning Jonathan went out into the field to the appointment with David, and with him a little boy. 36 And he said to his boy, “Run and find the arrows that I shoot.” As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. 37 And when the boy came to the place of the arrow that Jonathan had shot, Jonathan called after the boy and said, “Is not the arrow beyond you?” 38 And Jonathan called after the boy, “Hurry! Be quick! Do not stay!” So Jonathan’s boy gathered up the arrows and came to his master. 39 But the boy knew nothing. Only Jonathan and David knew the matter. 40 And Jonathan gave his weapons to his boy and said to him, “Go and carry them to the city.” 41 And as soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most. 42 Then Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever.’ ” And he rose and departed, and Jonathan went into the city.

After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most.

Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.

Wow! What a powerful view of friendship!

Jonathan and David say that they are going to be friends forever!

How many of you have ever said that to a friend before?

Jonathan and David accepted each other.

They accepted each other as they were, not who they wanted them to be.

Let’s be honest with ourselves … are we choosing friends based off an algorithm?

Or perhaps a list of characteristics that we are looking for?

Do we sit around interviewing candidates to see who would be a good friend? No!

The truth is, we don’t really choose our friends. We merely gravitate towards acceptance.

You see, we all want to be accepted.

Nobody wants to be rejected. Rejection hurts.

None of us WANT that.

Acceptance is one of the strongest drives in life.

We all want to be liked, right?

The reality is that our friends choose us.

Our friends choose us because they accept us.

And we do certain things so that people will accept us!

We will dress as a skater one week to see if any of the skaters accept us.

Or we will dress a little more preppy, hoping that the preppy crowd will accept us.

Or the athletes, or the drama kids, or whoever.

We do this in any environment we are in, whether that is school, church, or sports.

And that’s why your friends, or maybe even you, act all spiritual on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings,

and then you act like a little hellion the rest of the week.

It’s because we want to be accepted by the people around us.

Students, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted.

Some of our identity is wrapped up in who accepts us.

For example, I am married and have a daughter.

They accept me. They love me.

But that’s not the biggest part of my identity.

I am a believer in Jesus Christ.

Jesus has accepted me.

I find my identity in Jesus, not someone else who accepts me.

Accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior is MORE important than friends accepting me.

(NIV)

“For God so LOVED the world, that He GAVE His only begotten son …”

My identity is found FIRST in Jesus.

There are only two sides of the coin: acceptance or rejection.

The closer someone is to you and your heart, the more you’ve accepted them and the bigger influence they have on your life.

Even Jesus had a circle of acceptance.

Jesus had his twelve disciples, but He had THREE whom He knew and loved the most: Peter, James, and John.

Jesus also sent out the 72 disciples who went throughout the world, preaching about Him.

Then, finally there were the crowds.

The crowds knew about Jesus, but they didn’t necessarily accept Him.

They didn’t know Him.

We all have this these different levels of friendships.

There’s the “circle of concern,” or the outer circle.

The middle circle is the circle of influence, and the innermost circle is the circle of intimacy.

Let’s look at the outside first, the circle of concern.

The circle of concern are those people around you—Christians or non-Christians—whom you are trying to influence. You have a sense of concern for these people.

For Jesus, these were the people in the crowds.

These were the people that Jesus was trying to influence.

The next circle is the circle of influence. T

his circle is the circle of friends whom you allow to influence YOU.

Again, these can be Christian or non-Christian friends.

You know who these friends are.

You know whether they are a positive or negative influence in your life.

In this part of the circle, you need to really evaluate to see if these friends are genuine.

This may mean that you need to drop them and move them into the circle of concern.

In a couple weeks, we will talk a little more about that and what it looks like to let some friendships go.

But for Jesus, this middle circle would have been the disciples.

The twelve disciples may not have had direct influence on Jesus, since He is God in the flesh and all, but they interacted with Jesus every day.

The innermost circle is the circle of intimacy.

This circle includes your closest friends.

They know everything about you. David and Jonathan would be in this circle.

Friends that you talk to about personal things are in this circle. Friends that you can trust with anything are in this circle. Jesus is in this circle.

The person that you eventually are going to marry is going to be in this circle.

For Jesus, His three closest disciples were in this circle: Peter, James, and John.

These three disciples knew Him the best.

They saw Him in the purest of forms. Jesus showed them things that He didn’t show the other disciples.

Students, it is so important to determine which friends are in which circle, because they are affecting the quality and direction of your life.

We all want friendships that last our whole lives.

We all want friendships that have that level of intimacy and closeness.

But it all starts with how we choose our friends.

It all starts with the quality of our friendships and the direction that they are taking us.

These friends had a similar purpose and a similar goal: they wanted to be more Christ-like.

Are you choosing friendships that help you become more like Jesus?

Next week, we are going to talk about what it takes to be an awesome friend.

Which circle would you put Jesus in?

My hope is that your relationship with Jesus is intimate and deep. But maybe it’s not. Maybe that is something you need to focus on.

Students, I challenge you this week to think about how you choose your friends.

How are you deciding who your friend is?

Who is influencing you, and who do you consider part of your circle of intimacy? Let’s pray.