Loving Her, Respecting Him

The fact is, is that many marriages, and I would even dare say in our own church, are far from being the grand marriages that you though they would be when you were courting or engaged.

In fact, God said that we would have problems in marriage:

1 Corinthians 7:28 MEV

28 But if you marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless they will have trouble in this life, but I would spare you that.

Job 14:1 KJV 1900

1 Man that is born of a woman Is of few days, and full of trouble.

These verses don’t mean that it’s God’s purpose for us to live miserably, but it does mean that we are to anticipate trouble and hardship.

It’s the 80/20 rule, where in this present world when all creation is groaning under sin, there is no life that is free from trials and conflicts. 80% of life can be beautiful when it is aligned with God, but there’s 20% that is hard. But that’s fine, because there is a purpose for these trials and conflicts to develop traits in us that will refine us to look like Christ.

When we anticipate the 20% and approach it with an attitude that is not surprised and mature to deal with it, we can still live life to the fullest individually, and as couples.

But when we don’t handle that 20% with a right attitude and maturely, what happens is that that 20% of hardship and conflict and bitter experiences spills over into the 80% and our joy and fulfilment becomes disproportionate and out of balance and we become deflated and dissatisfied with life and our relationships.

It’s interesting how issues and conflict in our marriages and relationships can blow up in our face and often from small issues.

Example #1: One time, Nadine and I were driving on Sabbath afternoon to visit a member who was in hospital, and on the way there we were discussing something that became an issue. Both of us can’t remember what the issue was but by the end of it Nadine was feeling unloved and not understood, and I was feeling very angry and upset at how she was talking to me.

Example #2: There were many times in our marriage where to me life would seem to be going pretty well. My marriage would feel like it was in a good place, and then Nadine would start to act funny and start showing signs of being upset. Now when I saw that she was like that, I got nervous, because I wasn’t sure what she was upset about it and how it involved me. So like a faithful male, I would almost ignore it and not ask what was going on. Well Nadine could only last a few days like this and then like a faulty pressure cooker she would explode! She would start naming one by one all the particular times that I had hurt her or was not there for her, not just in the past week, but in the past weeks and months! She would go on and on, and I would just get overwhelmed. Then I would start getting upset because I felt like she was being deceiving because all these weeks and months I thought things were OK and then out of no where she was writing an 10,000 word essay on me being a failure of a husband (even though she wasn’t really meaning that). I would get upset, and like any honourable guy, I would just shut-down and stonewall her and when we would end the discussion (when it ended) I would feel upset, confused, frustrated, a failure of a husband not being able to please my wife.

Example #3: One time I was in Sydney and Nadine was in Wagga at home and I was busy working on something and Nadine called me as a loving wife would, to see how I was going. You see Nadine text messaged me to find out what time I would be getting home the next day, but she hadn’t received a reply from me, so even though she thought I was busy she decided to call after a while and see how I was. When on the phone though I was abrupt and short because I was busy and I thought she is just calling me at the wrong the time. That conversation ended abruptly by me and Nadine was left feeling a bit empty and hurt by my mannerism, but still happy to let it go realising that I was busy. However I called Nadine later than was expected because I was late getting to my Mum’s place to stay the night, and like a faithful husband I never let her know that I was running late or at least keeping her updated where I was, and we eventually spoke that evening the event of our earlier phone call became a point of contention, because Nadine couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just nicely say that I was busy and not be so rude and abrupt; she was also irked by my insensitiveness to not keep in touch with her that I was running late. I was frustrated because I’m just trying to work and do my thing, and am not meaning anything bad by it and that I was going to call the first chance I had. And then what ended up happening is that our conversation moved on to another point of discussion which really blew up and I continued my insensitive mannerism and words while this deflated and overwhelmed Nadine, it was so overwhelming for Nadine that she ended up hanging up on me. The next day, I arrive home, I’m quiet and don’t say much, and don’t properly deal with what had just happened and finally decide that it would be better for me to sleep on the lounge room floor that night. Of course this just confirms Nadine’s fears of my insensitiveness and makes feel totally unloved. This all started from a text message that was asking “when will you be coming home tomorrow.

When the Issue Isn’t the Issue

Why do they need to know this?

Do you see just how crazy things can get from such small issues?

You see conflict is a blessing when it is dealt with in God’s way. Conflict can be a small contained fire that warms the house.

But when conflict is not dealt with properly they become these raging wildfires that burn thousands of hectares which had its beginning in a little cigarette butt thrown out of the window of the car.

Have you ever had conflict with your spouse and wondered what really is the issue?

You see often the issue really isn’t the issue.

In my examples above the issue wasn’t what we were discussing in the car on the way to the hospital, but it was the way in which it was communicated.

The issue wasn’t the little things I did that irked Nadine during those weeks, but it was how I reacted to her that blew the issue out of the water into a wildfire.

The issue wasn’t the text message and not responding to it, but it was how I reacted to her in trying communicate where I was at at that point of time and not connecting with her instead of making sure I had her heart.

In almost every case, the issue that seems to be the cause of the craziness is not the real issue at all.

Do you ever get into a conflict with your spouse but aren’t sure why?

You see your spouse deflate or bristle or go cold, and then you think, “What is wrong here? What’s happening?

We usually consul ourselves by saying,

“If only she wasn’t so touchy;”

“If only he weren’t so childish.”

But if you are the one who is offended, that’s different. They’re guilt of stepping on your toes.

But just because you are feeling unloved or disrespected it does not mean that your spouse is sending that message.

When Nadine was driving home her point in the car on the way to a visit, she wasn’t intending to be disrespectful (even if she was), but was actually saying, “I love you and want to connect on this issue.” When I got angry and became quiet, I was not meaning to be unloving, but was doing the honourable thing and being quiet so that the situation would not escalate.

When I was not meeting Nadine’s needs, I was not witholding myself with ill will, and when Nadine blew up, she was not intending to be disrespectful, but was actually crying out, “Love me!”

When I didn’t respond to Nadine’s text message and spoke abruptly over the phone, I wasn’t intending to be obnoxious and unloving (even though I was).

The issue is almost certainly never the issue.

The fact is, we speak in different codes.

Genesis 1:27 KJV 1900

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Yes we are male and female. Do you know what this verse means?

It’s profound!

We’re different!

We communicate differently!

Let me give this illutration:

When a woman says, “I have no clothes” she actually means, “I have nothing new.”

When a man says, “I have no clothes,” he actually means, “I have nothing clean.”

The two statements are exactly the same, and yet their meanings are totally different!

A woman is needing some reassurance from her husband of his love for her, and so she asks him, “darling, tell me what you love about me?”

The husband replies, “you’re critical.”

The wife was taken aback and was quiet for a bit trying to process his answer, but she had understood this love and respect concept, and so instead of reacting, she clarifies with him what he meant by saying that she was “critical.”

The husband explains by saying, “I mean, if you were to die, and leave me and kids behind, I wouldn’t know how we would cope. You’re critical to our family.”

You see how miscommunication can lead to disaster, and how communication can lead to peace and safety.

If we can grasp that a wife needs love and is not trying to be disrespectful;

And a husband needs respect and is not trying to be unloving;

then we can crack the communication code that often destroys marriages for a lack of knowledge.

Hosea 4:6 KJV 1900

6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: Because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: Seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

A man sees and interprets the world through blue glasses and hears the world through blue hearing aids, and speaks through a blue speakerphone.

A woman sees and interprets the world through pink glasses and hears the world through pink hearing aids, and speaks through a pink speakerphone.

Because men and women have sunglasses and hearing aids in different colours, they send each other messages in different codes.

The example of this is when he gets her a birthday card instead of an anniversary card because he was rushing, she gets upset and interprets this as him being insensitive and not caring because if he did, he would have taken the time to know what he was getting and not make a mistake like that. She sees that as he doesn’t love her as she loves him. So when she reacts to him in a criticising way for his lack of love. She ends up saying that he loves his car more than her because he wouldn’t miss anything that was wrong with the car, but he couldn’t even get his wife the right card. As she does this, he feels guilty, but when she keeps on going, he begins to become upset because she is reacting in a way that is disrespectful and not appreciative of his efforts despite his mistake. He then starts reacting to her comments, then he shoots one last arrow that really gives her something to hurt about by saying that he is glad that he bought the wrong card as it serves her right for her bad attitude and storms out on her. One simple mistake can escalate into a crazy event where she is left feeling unloved and forsaken, and he is feeling unappreciated and disrespected.

When the wife saw that the card was a birthday card instead of an anniversary card, her spirit deflates in an instant.

He’s forgotten their anniversary many times, but this is the last straw! Obviously her husband doesn’t love her enough to take the time to read a card he bought for her!

So she sends him an angry message, and of course, it was in code.

Does he decode her message correctly? Of course not! He is wearing blue sunglasses. All he sees is anger, irritation, and disrespect. After all, he made an honest mistake… give him a break!

But the wife peers through her pink sunglasses and she has none of this “honest mistake” business. She takes the conflict to a new low by assassinating his character. He thinks more of his car than he thinks of her!

He comes back with a devastating blow saying that she deserves to get a wrong card for her disrespectful ways and walks out.

They both spend their tenth anniversary wondering how a little think like a card could cause so much craziness.

But was the card the real issue?

The real issue was that the wife felt unloved and responded in the only way she knew how, and that was through her pink speakerphone - getting in her husbands face and telling him off. All she wanted from him was to be genuinely sorry.

But he couldn’t do that because he is wearing blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids and for him, the real issue was that he felt disrespected (which most men don’t understand to verbalise unless they are aware of it)

So two good-willed people wound up spinning on this crazy cycle with no clue how to stop it or even slow it down.

What do we mean “good-willed people?”

Simply that both people love each other a great deal and do not wake up in the morning meditating how that they are going to act in unloving or disrespectful ways. They may hurt each other, but they do not mean or intend to. Beside all the craziness, they still care deeply about each other. She is willing to love him to the end, and he is willing to die for her.

What is the Issue?

What do they need to know?

Why is it that couples get into arguments?

Why is it that wives are often crushed by their husbands words and actions; and why is that wives say things that send their husbands through the roof?

What is the secret?

Ephesians 5:33 KJV 1900

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Ephesians 5:33 MEV

33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

What is Paul saying?

Husbands love your wives;

Wives respect your husbands.

Let’s put it this way:

Wives need love;

Husbands need respect.

But is that it? Just love and respect?

What about financial problems, issues with raising the kids, intimacy problems, etc.?

What you will find out is that this simple, yet profound message is the key that unlocks any marriage problem because it is dealing the core issue, and when the core issue is dealt with then you are enabled to maturely and successfully deal with other surrounding issues that marriage throws at us.

How the need for love and the need for respect play off of one another in a marriage has everything to do with the kind of marriage you will have.

Let’s meditate a bit further on :

Ephesians 5:33 MEV

33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

“A husband is commanded to love his wife and obey the command;

A wife is commanded to respect her husband and obey the command.”

Let’s keep going:

“A husband is even called to love a disrespectful wife; and

A wife is called to respect an unloving husband.”

There is no justification in Scripture for a husband to say, “I will love my after she respects me’ nor a wife to say, ‘I will respect my husband after he loves me.”

But why is it so hard for us love our wives and respect our husbands?

When we meditate a bit further we realise that:

‘When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard for him to love his wife.’

‘When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard for her to respect her husband.’

Let’s keep going with this:

‘When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in way that feels unloving to his wife.’

‘When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in a way that feels disrespectful to her husband.’

The Love and Respect Connection is clear in Scripture;

But just as clear is the threat that this connection can be strained and even broken, leading to strained and broken marriages.

Without love, she reacts without respect; Without respect, he reacts without love.

This is called the Crazy Cycle.

If we don’t learn how to control this Crazy Cycle, the craziness will just continue to go round and round, and spin out of control until the woman is left feeling deflated and unloved, and the man is left feeling confused and disrespected.

Ephesians 5:33 MEV

33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Why is it that

We know that love should be unconditional.

God’s love is unconditional, and a husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

But what about respect? Respect is to be unconditional as well. Respect is equally important in a relationship, especially during conflict, as love is important.

Ladies: “When a guy stands on your air hose and acts in a way that makes you feel unloved, and you react in way that’s disrespectful and say, ‘I love you, but I don’t respect you’, it would be the equivalent to your man saying, ‘Honey, I respect you, but I don’t love you.’

How would you feel? Devastated. Deflated. Shattered. How long would it take for you to get over it?

What you need to understand is that when you react to your man in a way that comes across disrespectful, it paralyses, hurts, and infuriates him just as much as it devastates, deflates, and shatters you if he were to say that he doesn’t love you.