A Theology of the Home

It should come as no surprise to anyone who has watched a news outlet, read a magazine article, or logged in to social media anytime within the last 20 years to hear that the family unit is under attack throughout society. In fact it has always been this way. Satan’s initial temptations in the Garden accomplished to goals. The first was to attack and impugn the nature of God as he successfully cast doubt as to God’s intentions and concern for His primary creation in mankind - “Did God really say” “You wont really die” “The Old Man is holding out on you, there’s so much more to be had here” - okay that last part was my own addition but it is in character with what Satan tempted Eve with. The second and equally successful thrust was to attack and undermine the very first institution that God had put in place for the management of His creation - the familial unit.

There has been much speculation and extra-biblical musings as to when Satan fell and was cast out of Heaven with 1/3 of the angels and where Adam was when Eve was being tempted. One thing seems to me to be crystal clear - Satan, being the cunning serpent, knew what he was doing when he approached Eve rather than Adam. He knew the order that God had created male and female and he recognized that that relationship was meant to mirror the relationship of the Trinity in Heaven. So by approaching Eve he was contravening God’s created order of accountability and planting the seeds for strife in the family unit throughout history.

The effects were immediate - we see the breakdown of the family unit as Cain murders Abel. Jacob steals Esau’s birthright and blessing. The royal family of Israel is plagued by bloodshed and betrayal - David with Bathsheba, Absalom, Amnon and Tamar. The family unit has always been marred and undermined by sin.

Today though the attacks are insidious and seem to be in hyperdrive. Unlike a physical war, where it was long ago determined to be folly to fight a war on two fronts, this ideological war is happening on multiple fronts and through multiple mediums. Andreas Kostenberger in his book “God, Marriage and Family” writes “It can rightly be said that marriage and the family are institutions under seige in our world today, and that with marriage and the family our very civilization is in crisis.” No fault divorce, the LGBTQ agenda, feminism are all fronts on which the battle for marriage is being fought. The denigration of the marriage institution has contributed to the sexual revolution and the abortion debate. Alabama has particularly been in the news on these issues this week. First because the governor there just signed a bill criminalizing abortion. Then the state made news because the children’s cartoon “Arthur” was scheduled to premier with an episode that included homosexual wedding and the public broadcasting channel there refused to air the episode.

So what are we as Christians to do? Paul is going to outline for us in four short sentences principles that Martin Luther, coupled with the verses that follow, called Haustafeln or house rules.

Please take you Bibles and turn or navigate to Colossians 3:18-21.

Colossians 3:18–21 CSB

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they won’t become discouraged.

The crisis that surrounds the family and home dynamic today cannot be misconstrued as a cultural crisis only. We must recognize it for what it is - a spiritual battle. In the same chapter that Satan mounts his frontal attack on both the character of God and the institution of marriage a promise is given that would provide the means for the redemption of the people who had transgressed God’s commands and in so doing marred the institution that God had put in place to manage His creation. Kostenberger writes it this way - “If then the cultural crisis is symptomatic of an underlying spiritual crisis, the solution must be spiritual not cultural.”

The commands that Paul is going to give the Colossians and to us today are given with the spiritual solution in mind - the Gospel. The commands Paul gives for the orderly management of the home were counter-cultural to what was happening in the First Century and what is happening in our society today and thus point to a greater reason for the home's existence - to be a witness to the Gospel. We’ll see this revealed in the points saying “Submission doesn’t mean Servitude”, “Love not required?” and “Seen but not seen”. Submission doesn’t mean servitude. Love not required. Seen but not seen.

Submission doesn’t mean Servitude

Colossians 3:18; Galatians 3:28; Colossians 3:11; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Corinthians 11:8; 1 Corinthians 11:11-12; Ephesians 5:22-24

Even uttering these words could get me excoriated outside the walls of this building - wives be subject to your husband. We live in a day and age where the mere notion of women submitting to anything against their will is contrary at least and inflammatory at worst. Women today are referred to as liberated and independent. Strong willed and defiant. That’s when they can even be referred to as women at all. Gloria Steinem, the renowned feminist, says it this way “A gender equal society would be one where the word gender does not exist: where everyone can be themselves.” The very idea that women would willingly submit themselves and place themselves below their husband staying home as much as possible to raise children is anathema and antiquated - a quaint idea of yesteryear but one that is far below our more modern and informed societal expectations.

This was certainly not the case in the society of Colossae. That society - both in the Jewish culture and the Greek or Roman cultures of the day - had no concept of an empowered or liberated woman. In fact Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods were. She had no legal right whatever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights whatever in the initiation of divorce. In Greek society a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go marketing. She lived in the women’s apartments and did not join her menfolk even for meals. Both under Jewish and under Greek laws and custom, all the privileges belonged to the husband, and all the duties to the wife.

So this begs a question - in a society where servitude was the accepted norm with respect to the status of a wife, why did Paul even need to write these words? In a society that was so dominated by the male figures why does Paul encourage the women of Colossae to submit? In fact in light of passages like Galatians 3:28

Galatians 3:28 CSB

There is no Jew or Greek, slave or free, male and female; since you are all one in Christ Jesus.

and in this very epistle

Colossians 3:11 CSB

In Christ there is not Greek and Jew, circumcision and uncircumcision, barbarian, Scythian, slave and free; but Christ is all and in all.

You would think that Paul would be encouraging the women to demonstrate their independence, to throw off the chattels of this provincial life and to seek adventure in the world. But that’s not his encouragement at all. It is to submit? Why?

Well, we know that a correct interpretation of the verses in Galatians and Colossians doesn’t mean that the roles determined by God have been erased and that every one can be anything they want - despite what the world might tell you. I wanted to be an astronaut and to visit the moon when I was little but here I am with a much more important job instead.

In effect what Paul is encouraging the women of Colossae, and the women of today, to is something far more radical, something far more surprising than exercising their own freedom and exerting their independence. In a society that was built on strength and power an action like that would have just gotten lost in the rest of society and it does get lost today. With all the interests vying for power in our modern world it is hard to distinguish one from the other - they’ve even had to invent a new system called intersectionality to determine who’s bid for power and influence is actually valid.

No what Paul is calling the women in this passage to is nothing short of revolutionary. This Greek verb is an imperative and it is in the present tense meaning that it is a continuous ongoing action. What is shocking about this verb is that it is in the middle voice - meaning that it is a choice. It carries the sense of becoming inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others - in this case the husband in the marriage relationship.

Now why is this? Why does Paul ask this of these women and why does he ask it of you today? Notice there’s nothing in the text that says that you are to submit because men are so amazing. That they are worthy of submitting to. Notice that this is a follow-on to the command that Paul has just given the church that whatever they do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Paul is tying the submission of the wife in the marital relationship to something greater than just that relationship.

In parallel passages in 1 Corinthians 11 and Ephesians 5 Paul will tie the marriage relationship to creation and to Christ’s relationship with the church. In 1 Corinthians 11

1 Corinthians 11:3 CSB

But I want you to know that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ.

then later in the chapter in verse 8

1 Corinthians 11:8 CSB

For man did not come from woman, but woman came from man.

But lest men get too confident in this status he reminds them

1 Corinthians 11:11–12 CSB

In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, and man is not independent of woman. For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman, and all things come from God.

Then in Ephesians 5 Paul would write to that church

Ephesians 5:22–24 CSB

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.

Maintaining the proper relationship in the marriage, the God-ordained and created order, is a sure example of the Gospel and the relationship that the church has to Christ. No one would suggest that the church attempt to assert her independence from Christ or to stand on her own merit - yet that is what we attempt to do in our marriages when wives do not live in Godly submission to their husbands.

And there are Biblical examples of the disastrous consequences that this can have. In addition to the example of Eve who, rather than seeking Adam’s counsel or advice, decided instead to listen to the serpent there is also the example of Sarah. In Genesis 12 God calls Abram and tells him to pack up and head to a new land where God promises that he will inherit the land and that he will be made into a great nation. Through the intervening years Sarai remains childless. She finally decides enough waiting - if God is going to come through on this promise He is going to need her help. And so she gives her maid Hagar to Abraham and they conceive and Ishmael is born. And thus we have the genesis of the middle east peace crisis because when Isaac is born Sarah wants Ishmael cast out and Abraham does so. Ishmael and Hagar are sent out but they are promised by God that He will indeed make Ishmael into a great nation - and He does. Sarah’s rash decision to subvert the plan of God, to take matters into her own hands and to rule Abraham and force him to take Hagar and conceive with her resulted in catastrophic issues over the last 5000 years.

So what is the point? Am I trying to say that women should only be stay at home moms and cook and clean the house? No - although we shouldn’t, not that we do but society does, look down on or minimize the importance of the stay-at-home mom. There are many surveys that rank the job of stay-at-home mom one of the hardest jobs in the world. But no - I am not advocating for all wives to quit their jobs and remain at home, although I think that the case can and should be made that if they have to work outside of the home that it should be as little as necessary and that the health of the family is greatly enhanced when mom’s primary focus isn’t her career.

Nor am I saying that this requires verbatim obedience or tolerating abusive or malignant behavior. If your husband is acting contrary to a Godly manner or requiring things of you that are outright sinful then you should obey God’s commands first not submit to an unhealthy or dangerous situation.

What I am trying to say is that the reason behind this command to be submissive to your husband in the marriage relationship is not about equality, skill or anything inherently right or wrong in either the husband or the wife. It is simply about the Gospel and representing the Gospel to the world outside of your doors. A wife who is submissive in a Godly manner (as is fitting in the Lord) is an enigma to the rest of the world. They can’t understand it. The New York Times just published an op-ed piece this last week that touted that it is those wives who are in conservative, religiously impacted marriages that are the most satisfied with their marriage. According to the article fully 73% of wives who hold conservative gender values and attend religious services regularly with their husbands have high-quality marriages. This is compared to 46% of those who are the “religious middle” who attend only infrequently or don’t share regular religious attendance or conservative values with their husbands.

It is about the Gospel and the testimony that your submission entails. But lest you think this is only about the wives - Paul has much to say to husbands as well and it is equally shocking and revolutionary.

Love not required

Colossians 3:19;

In the ancient world there was no recorded requirement or published code governing marriage that required that the husband should love his wife. From her there was demanded a complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose, and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked and incur no stigma.

For Paul to ask these men to love their wives, and as he does in Ephesians for him to ask them to love them as they do their own bodies, would be to ask them to give up their status in the marriage because this is sacrificial love. You cannot wield power over an individual and be domineering if you are sacrificially loving them.

Notice also that this command to the men is not contingent on the wife’s performance with respect to the command given to them in verse 18. Paul doesn’t say as long as the wives are going to be submissive you should probably love them. Nor does he say if your wife is submissive then you can love her. No this command for men is not conditioned on anything. That is one of the travesties of modern day love and modern day marriage self-help books. We place the onus for our loving our spouse on the other person.

When asked about problems in a relationship a husband might respond that she’s just not the woman I married - well then who is she? This statement ignores the fact that you aren’t the same person she married either - life is not static and we all change but we are to bear with one another in love (Ephesians 4:2) and to accept one another. The vows we made on our wedding day actually were meant to stand for something more than just nice things to say. The two most tragic statements are that I’m just not attracted to her anymore - which generally points to a deeper issue that lies more with the husband’s habits and expectations than it does with the wife’s body composition - and the ever present we just don’t love each other anymore.

The trouble with some of the advice that we’ve been given regarding love is that it places the responsibility on the other person in the relationship. There are positive aspects and positive practices that can be taught by books like “The Five Love Languages” but there is also a fundamental flaw in what they teach. Consider these words “When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world.”

Now that sounds good doesn’t it. We all want our love tanks to be full - the problem is the source of filling it. When we place to onus on our spouse to fill our “love tanks” they will never be able to completely satisfy our need and it’s patently unBiblical. We love because He first loved us. Our love tanks are full because we were so extravagantly loved by Christ and that in turn enables us to extravagantly love another - not because they loved us first.

And our love is to be sacrificial.

Ephesians 5:25 CSB

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her

Christ gave Himself for the church as a sacrifice. Husbands how sacrificial are you for your wife? Would she agree? Many of us would be willing to take a bullet for our wife or to protect her from an onslaught of attackers but how many of us are willing to get up from a game to do a load of laundry? Or not even to get up from the game but to simply forgo the game in favor of doing the laundry? Or take out the trash? Or wash the dishes? Or clean the bathrooms and sweep and mop the floors? We sometimes think that sacrifice calls for something big and grand - something much like the sacrifices that we honor today on Memorial Day - but in our wives eyes they may be the simple task of helping cook dinner or changing a diaper.

Then here’s the real challenge to this command - how many of you pursue your wife? Do you still seek to know her or do you think you know all there is to know and so you’ve cooled off? Do you know her dreams - whether they are a young woman’s dreams of kids, a job or a home or a more mature woman’s dreams of retirement and grandkids?

Do you come home from work and settle in for an evening of video games or television shows without taking the time to talk to your wife about her day? Or do you try and catch all of the details during commercial breaks? How many of us forgo a day working in the shop or whatever our favorite pass time is to go shopping with our wife because she wants or needs to? Kent Hughes writes “For some men golf is synonymous to Dante’s Paradiso, whereas the entrance to a department store, like the gates of Hell, bears the inscription “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” But a loving sacrifice for our wives will leave behind our golf clubs or fishing poles to spend time with them, getting to know their interests and demonstrating their intrinsic value in our own lives.

Paul says that we should love our wives without being bitter against them. This is an interesting and puzzling statement because the question must be posed can you unconditionally love someone (as the verb agape in this verse suggests) and be bitter against them? This word for bitter is used twice in Revelation to talk of something that is bitter to the taste or causes an upset stomach being bitter in the stomach.

Paul here is talking of the grudges that we hold against our wives for that one time that she did something we really didn’t like or that fight we got in five years ago that we hang on to and allow it to stew and ferment in our minds and stomachs and it makes us bitter against her. Are there things that you’re holding on to today that would prevent you from loving your wife completely?

Again the motivation of the command has to be explored. Why do we love our wives? Especially in a culture where love is so misconstrued in our present day and in the time when Paul was writing was not required. The reason is that it demonstrates to the world the Gospel. We make this relationship an example of what God has done for us when we unconditionally love our spouse and forgive the wrongs that are committed in the relationship. It is the picture of two sinners coming to live together in the same household. It is upholding the idea that whenever my wife commits a sin against me it is nothing compared to my sin debt to God.

No my love for my wife is not about her - she is the object of it, the recipient of it - but it is not at it’s heart about her. It is about being a witness to the love that God has poured out over us and then we get to overflow and pour that out on the most important person in our lives second only to Him - our wives. And it is this love - the loving foundation of a husband sacrificing for his wife and a wife submitting to her husband’s leadership that most honors God, most demonstrates His revolutionary Gospel to the world but thirdly most provides a secure home for our children to serve Him by demonstrating obedience.

Interlude

There must be an interlude here however. Notice that Paul doesn’t say anything about kids, dogs, cats or any other members of the household in these two verses. It is simply directed at the husband and the wife. This isn’t a prescription to providing a secure environment for the raising of progeny - although if practiced it will certainly do that. This is the baseline expectations of every couple in the church whether you have kids in the home, had kids in the home, want kids in the home or don’t have kids in the home.

Now let’s get back to our regularly scheduled sermon...

Seen but not Seen

Colossians 3:20-21;

This command, like the other two preceding it, was completely counter-cultural for the time period in which Paul wrote. Much like the first one it would seem that it could have gone without being said because of the societal expectations on children. They were essentially to be seen and not heard. Many parents have uttered the famous parental statement “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it”. Well in the world of ancient Rome and the Empire those words were not far from being true. Under a section of Roman law entitled Patria Potestes, “The Power of the Father,” the father could do anything he wanted with his children. He could sell them, turn them into slaves, even take their lives.

So again why is this command necessary? Why does Paul need to give this instruction to the children in Colossae? The reason is that the advent of Christianity and the Gospel revolutionized the role of the child in the home. They were no longer accessories or objects to be treated however one chose - they were members of the church, members of the body of Christ and their obedience (while compulsory) is a testament to what Christ has done in their lives.

In the parallel passage that Paul writes to the church in Ephesus he ties this obedience to the Ten Commandments quoting the commandment to honor your father and mother saying that this is the first commandment with a promise. It is interesting that this is the only commandment that carries with it a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. As God’s appointed authorities in the home and in the life of a child parents also receive the same obedience that is given to God.

Just like the wife’s submission has God ordained limits, this obedience does as well. Parents who require sinful behaviors or encourage sinful behaviors are not to be obeyed in their sin and those who are abusive are not exercising their God given authority properly.

The realization is that contrary to what society is telling you - you cannot make your own rules as you go and that your parents are there for your good. The admonition is to obey your parents in everything - even when, especially when you disagree - for this pleases the Lord. But this command also contains a condition or a counterproposal.

This is the only command that Paul issues in which he offers a caution for the other parties in the relationship. Our translation here says fathers - and there is certainly a spiritual responsibility that is borne by the father as the spiritual head of the household but in other locations this word “pateres” is translated as parents so I would say that really it could go either way. The cautions given to the father in this verse could equally apply to both parents.

Paul warns us not to exasperate or frustrate our children. In light of the rest of the passage this is not to exasperate them with respect to the Gospel. There are several ways that we can do this.

The first is to be inconsistent - both with discipline and with praise. When we don’t hold our children accountable in the same way for their actions then we frustrate or exasperate them because they never know when what once was permitted will no longer be tolerated. This is contrary to how God treats us as the consequences of every sin is death and that consequence will either be paid for by Christ or it will be paid for by us. As we parent we should seek to be as consistent as possible not only for our kid’s sake but also so as to present a true picture of God and His just requirements.

The second way is to be hypocrites in our own home. It’s the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality. Of course there are things that we may do that we don’t want to expose our kids to - but do we act or say things that we tell them not to say or do? This will again set up an inconsistent home in which our children are confused by the standards - especially those which are clearly sinful according to Scripture. The Puritan Archibald Brown said it this way “You profess, dear friend, to be a Christian, and your child knows you are a member of this church. He has seen you partake of the Lord's supper — and then, when you have gone home, he has in a moment detected the discrepancy between your behavior at church — and your daily life at home. The angry temper — the selfish spirit — the worldly conversation — all these have been so many sins against the child! By some evil example seen by them in early life, an impression may be made upon their souls, the effects of which will remain to their dying day — and beyond! Oh, how dreadful the thought, that by our own hypocritical lives we may be sinning against the little darlings we often feel we could die for. God forbid, that at the last great day, any of our children should turn to us with blanched cheek and say, "Father and mother, if I am damned — it is by copying the example you placed before me!"

The final way that we may exasperate our child is to presume their salvation or lack thereof. I say that we may presume their salvation because that is the tendency of a parent out of our desire to see our children saved we may presume their salvation too soon when there really is no fruit or true repentance to back up our assumption. We must continue to teach and to train even after they demonstrate a true repentance. And sometimes this also means that we have to be willing to let them continue in a life of sin without giving them the superficial cover of assuming they are saved. This can also be challenging because we don’t want to watch our children make poor choices and experience the consequences of those choices but we must remember that it is not our role to bring them to repentance - we can teach, pray, encourage and hope for it - but it is the Spirit that will bring them to repentance. And sometimes we have to sit by and watch them make poor decisions as we pray mightily that God will save them from them.

One definite way not to exasperate your children is to be present. No matter how hard your day has been when you get home spend time with them. Let them know they are valuable and not just an accessory to your life. Put your devices away until after they are in bed and spend time getting to know them one on one. Keep their devices at bay as long as possible - this is a battle we are working through in our home - teaching them when the time is right responsible use and not allowing them to become an idol in their lives.

Conclusion

It’s about the Gospel. Our homes are meant to be a picture of what Christ has accomplished in each of us.

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