7_overcoming The Fear Of Rejection
OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF REJECTION
Freedom From Your Fears - Part 6
Fear of failure: What I do Focus on performance
Fear of rejection: Who I am Focus on me as a person
"Fear of man is a dangerous trap, but to trust in God means safety." Proverbs 29:25
I. HOW THE FEAR OF REJECTION BECOMES A TRAP
* Causes us to conform our lifestyle and our values
* Keeps us from speaking the truth
* Prevents giving and receiving love
* Leads to isolation and loneliness
* Moves us towards unhappiness
* Silences our sharing about Christ
* Keeps us from spiritual maturity
II. HOW TO OVERCOME FEARING THE REJECTION OF OTHERS
1) FACE THE FACT THAT PEOPLE LET YOU DOWN
"The Lord says, `I am the one who comforts you. So why should you be afraid of people who die? Why should you fear people who die like the grass?'"
"Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
- An important truth: People will not love you as much as you need to be loved.
- An ironic truth: We focus on the wrong fear.
"Don't be afraid of people who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. The only one you should fear is the one who can destroy the soul and the body in hell." Matthew 10:28
2) FOCUS ON HOW GOD SEES YOU
"But the Lord said to Samuel, `Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" 1 Samuel 16:7
3) FALL BACK ON GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
"This is what real love s: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins." 1 John 4:10
"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Hebrews 4:13
"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because God's love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." 1 John 4:18
"When we live to please an audience of One, God's love crowds everyone else out and we are totally accepted by Him."
OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF REJECTION
Freedom From Your Fears - Part 6
Arm fell asleep, scared me...
Today we're looking at the Fear of Rejection. Many think the fear of Failure is the same as the Fear of Rejection. I think there are some distinct differences. The fear of failure focuses on my performance, on what I do. The fear of rejection focuses on me as a person and who I am. Two very distinct differences.
There's a difference between those two failures.
God knew that this was a fear that we live with. Proverbs 29 "The fear of man is a dangerous trap. But to trust in God means safety."
As we talk about the fear of failure it's a fear that everyone can relate to. We all struggle with the fear of rejection at some point in our life. Some of us are consumed by it. The fear of rejection seems to grow with us as we age. If you did a study on little children you wouldn't see the fear of rejection, because they haven't had the past experience on which to build that fear. You might see the fear of failure but not the fear of rejection.
I. HOW THE FEAR OF REJECTION BECOMES A TRAP
How is the fear of man or the fear of rejection a dangerous trap? I've listed seven traps. It's not conclusive, there are many more.
1. The fear of rejection causes us to conform our life styles and our values.
In order to avoid rejection we sometimes become chameleons with those around us. We settle in, whether it be through clothes or car or lifestyle or even values in what we believe because we don't want to be rejected for who we are. Many years ago when I first entered the ministry, I thought that this was only a teenage problem, that only kids dealt with this until I grew up and started hanging around adults. I see adults deal with this fear of rejection as well.
2. The fear of rejection keeps us from speaking the truth.
Many of us will lie or distort the truth in order to keep from being rejected by other people.
3. The fear of rejection prevents us from giving and receiving love.
This is a biggie. Many people have shut down because they've been burned once and they don't want to be burned again. They fear the rejection so they don't give or receive love. Many marriages are like that. They fear the rejection of a spouse and so they shut down.
4. The fear of rejection leads to isolation and loneliness.
Because we fear the rejection of other people we build walls around us to protect ourselves rather than bridges to relate to one another.
5. The fear of rejection moves us toward unhappiness.
This is the bottom line of rejection. It's an unhappy state, constant pressure to try to please other people. That's a miserable way to live life, wondering what other people are thinking of us. These people also tend to be very critical people. If they're critical they can reject other people before people can reject them.
When it comes to spiritual matters, how does the fear of rejection affect us spiritually?
6. The fear of rejection silences our sharing about Christ.
Why don't people share about Jesus? Because they're afraid of other's response about them. It robs us of the courage that we need to share about the most important relationship that we have.
7. The fear of rejection keeps us from spiritual maturity.
I'm convinced that we spend far too much time turning our heads, wondering what other people are saying about us rather than focusing our head and our eyes on God.
For me, I know first hand about this fear. I had an incredible fear of rejection that almost kept me out of the ministry. I believe the fear of rejection is the most common reason people drop out of church, or visit and never come back.
What does the scripture have to say about this fear and what might we be able to do about it? I'm convinced this is the only place we can go for help with this fear. I looked other places. I know that more than just believes have the fear of rejection so I searched outside sources. I found very little help. The most thought provoking article I picked up said, "Make rejection your friend." Right! Bitterness my best buddy and Sadness my sister. We'll have this whole dysfunctional family of painful feelings! There just wasn't any help. As I'm driven back to the scriptures I know that's where we'll find answers. I want to share with you some that have worked in my own life and I think they will help you as well.
II. HOW TO OVERCOME FEARING THE REJECTION OF OTHERS
Action steps
1. FACE THE FACT THAT PEOPLE LET YOU DOWN.
We place far too much value on the opinions of other people. We're shaped by their words and we're tyrannized by what they may think of us. God knew this and that's why He said this in Isaiah 51, "The Lord says, `I am the one who comforts you, so why should you be afraid of people who die? Why should you fear people who die like the grass?'" People have their right to an opinion but why fear their opinion. They're going to die. And their opinion's going to die with them.
You say, "You mean you can live life and not fear the rejection of other people? I don't think that's reality." I don't think it's reality either. But I think I have an interesting angle on it. I think we can be affected by the rejection of other people but we don't have to be directed by it. We can think about it but we don't have to allow it to control us or to consume us or to conform us to their thoughts and opinions and feelings.
Paul wanted to make this same thing clear as he wrote to the people in Galatia. He says, "Do you think I'm trying to make people accept me? No. God is the one I'm trying to please. If I wanted to please people I would not be a servant of Christ." People are vital to our existence but they're human. They are not God. Because they're human, they're going to let us down. Because they're human, we do not put our faith in them. I've watched so many people in the church put their faith in a person or in a pastor and they were devastated because that person let them down. Face it. People are going to let us down. Our faith is not in people. It's in God.
An important truth: People will not love you as much as you need to be loved. Human love is conditional, inconsistent. If you're living to please other people you're setting yourself up for hurt and further rejection.
My goal in communicating today is that you will understand what I have to say and be challenged. My goal is not to please you. I learned that the very first time I spoke here. I stepped off the stage and a woman came up to me and said, "You're a good speaker but you didn't have anything to say." She had the spiritual gift of criticism. I realize that as a leader when I get up and speak to people this week end that some people aren't going to like what I have to say or me for whatever reason. If I allow that to direct me and if I fear that, I would be incapable of communicating. If you live to please people, you set yourself up.
My goal is to please God by teaching His church with the gifts He's given me and the power of His Holy Spirit. I don't fear your rejection.
An ironic truth: We focus on the wrong fear. We fear people whose opinion is temporary rather than fearing God whose rejection is eternal. We spend so much time looking around thinking of what other people are going to say and their opinion is only temporary. We don't fear God's rejection and His rejection is eternal. If you're checking out Christianity and trying to figure out what it's all about, the Bible tells us that some day there will be a point where God will separate the wheat from the chaff. He will reject those who don't know Him and we need to fear that, rather than fearing other people.
Matthew 10 "Don't be afraid of people who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. The only one you should fear is the one who can destroy the soul and the body in hell." Not a pretty verse. It would be one easy to pass over. Those of you who are believers, instead of fearing other people we need to fear God. If you're a believer you don't have to fear His rejection but fear Him in the Old Testament sense of awe or reverence. We're fearing the wrong thing.
2. FOCUS ON HOW GOD SEES YOU
This is a liberating truth if you can embrace this. In 1 Samuel, Samuel was asked by God to appoint the new king of Israel. Saul had just been rejected and Samuel was directed to the house of Jesse. When he goes to the house of Jesse, Jesse brings before him seven of his sons. As he does, Samuel looks at the tallest, the best looking, the most handsome of the seven sons. He's thinking, "This must surely be the next king of Israel." But look at what God says, "The Lord said to Samuel, `Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." That's good news.
This is the constant theme in the New Testament in the words of Jesus. Jesus doesn't care what people look like and how religious they look. He goes right after the heart. That is the main difference between people and God. When people look at us, they look at us externally. They look at our appearance. They look at our homes, our position, our salaries, our car. God doesn't care about that. He looks at our heart.
You've been rejected in your life. Maybe because of something that people have no idea of what's going on in your heart and they haven't taken the time or the energy to find out. The good news is that God knows your heart. God knows your motive. God has a different way of evaluating us than people evaluate us. That's a beautiful thing!
I was watching Cinderella with my daughter a many years ago. I don't like the first part of Cinderella. I know it's a cartoon but I don't like the way she's treated. I don't like the step mother, I don't like the sisters. It pains me that they see her as stupid and worthless and good for nothing until the prince comes in. After the video was over, being a pastor I feel like I have to make theological truths about everything, so I was telling her, "The prince is a lot like God. He saw in Cinderella something that other people didn't." God is a lot like that prince, who comes a kneels before you. You may feel like a step child or someone who is not loved. He doesn't put a glass slipper on us. He puts a grace slipper on us. As He puts grace under us, He sees in us what other people don't see. He sees value, potential, His unique creation and He calls us away from being that stepchild to dance with Him and to join His kingdom. God sees us different than the world. And that's good news!
3. FALL BACK ON GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
If you're sinking in the quicksand of rejection now and you only have one hand left under the discouragement and under the fear you've got to know that God can pull you out and set you on the solid ground of His unconditional love.
1 John 4 "This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins." When I say unconditional love I know what goes through many of your minds, especially if you've been a believer for a while. You go "Heard it!" I meet a lot of people who have heard about God's unconditional love, a lot of people who even theologically understand it. But I haven't met many people that know it, that embrace it, that are able to fall back and know that God loves us not for what we do but for who we are. When you know His unconditional love and you fall back on it, it gives us liberty to live. It gives us freedom to live.
Do you know it? Do you know God's unconditional love? When you do your life will be radically different.
God is waiting for us to know His unconditional love. We can relax and be unconcerned about the rejection of other people and focus on His love. He's waiting for us to know it. He's got the upper hand on us already because He knows everything about us.
Hebrew 4:13 "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Another translation: "Everything is naked before God." When I read it that was rather unsettling for me. Naked before God. The two years I've been here at this church I've gained a few pounds. We take church growth serious and nudity is a little overrated in my mind. Our mirrors in our house is from the neck up. When I started thinking He knows everything about us. He knows everything about you. He sees our weakness. He sees our insecurities. He sees our failings. He sees our fears. He sees our inadequacies. And He loves us.
Some of you have a really hard time with this. I did too. Those of you who have been believers for a while feel like when you sin God rips His love away from you. That's wrong. God's love is unconditional. God hates sin. It disgusts Him and He wants nothing to do with it. But He doesn't pull out His love. Imagine Jesus in a boat and Peter wanting to walk on water. Peter says, "Jesus, I want to come to You." Jesus says, "Come!" Peter begins to walk on water and then he begins to sink. Jesus doesn't think of him as an embarrassment.
Some of us think that's what God thinks. That when we perform and behave He loves us and when we don't He pulls His love from us until we walk on water again. That's not true. God loves you unconditionally. Fall back on that love.
1 John 4:18 "Where God's love is, there is no fear, because God's love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." We can live in this trap of wanting the inconsistent and false approval of other people or we can resign the game and fall back on God's unconditional love. I like to think it's this unconditional love that stops our head from moving side to side and seeing what other people think about us and it stops our head and focuses our eyes on the only one who really matters anyway and that's God.
When we live to please an audience of one, God's love crowds everyone else out and we are totally accepted by Him.
In the summer Olympics in Barcelona I was touched by an event that took place in the life of Derrick Redman. He was a runner for Great Britain. He tried to make it in the 1988 summer Olympics and he was injured and he had to make a decision, "Do I go through all the work for four more years to get to the 92 Olympics?"
He did and was in the semi finals of the men's 400 meter race. He's in one of the center lanes. He's destined to win and will probably have a shot at a medal. Out of the blocks he's leading the pack with 100 yards from the finish line he pulls a hamstring and falls painfully to the ground. As the crowd watches the rest of the race he picks himself up and begins to limp. He knows he's not going to win but he wants to finish. He limps to the finish line. People are coming at him and trying to help him but he keeps pushing them off. All of a sudden there is a commotion in the crowd and a man is coming out that the security guard is no match for. He busts through and runs on to the track. It was Jim Redman, Derrick's father. As he came alongside his son and put his arm around him Derrick collapsed and his dad whispered to him, "You don't have to do this alone son." And they walked together to the finish line. After the race Derrick Redman was interviewed and he said "My father was the only person who could have helped me, because he understood everything that I had been through."
I think we're a lot like Derrick the runner. You and I are around a lot of people who are watching how we live and how we preform, but only our heavenly Father really understands everything about us. He wants us to forget the crowds and embrace Him and His approval and His unconditional love as He walks with us to the finish line.
This week my challenge to you is to allow God's love for you to crowd out the opinions and the desire to please other people. Face it. Other people will let you down. Focus on how God sees you which is so very different from the world. Fall back on His unconditional love and focus your eyes on Him. I challenge you to try that for a week.
Prayer:
God, thanks for Your love for us and the way You see us that is so very different from the world. God, I pray that we would take our eyes off of other people that let us down, that reject us, that hurt us, and that we would focus on how You see us. Thank You that your love isn't based on our performance but it's based on the fact that we are Your children. May we be different people today as the result of that love. We pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.