Why Do We Fight?

What are the most common reasons for disagreements?

What are the most common reasons for disagreements?

gives us the answer to what really causes our fights and quarrels.

Session Two:

We all have fights and quarrels—that is reality of living in a broken world.

Ask the group: What are the most common reasons that people have disagreements?

Within marriage?

Notice the lack of specifics

Within family?

Within work relationships?

Within friendships?

Consider the progression

Within churches?

There are many things that trigger fights/conflicts between couples. But what really causes fights and quarrels among us? We could spend our time trying to work through money issues, sex issues, trust issues, extended family issues, and these are important but if we do not first address the heart then nothing will really be changed. We may figure out how to solve our money issues but our underlying heart issues will find an outlet somewhere else. We will become like the person that becomes addicted to cigarettes and coffee while attending AA meetings; he’s just traded his addictions. We want to see lasting change—and remember that God’s intent for our marriage is not only to rescue our marriage but to fundamentally rescue us.

Our conflict is worse than we imagined but also far less complex

gives us the answer to what really causes our fights and quarrels.

On Sin and Woundeness

Paul Tripp: Sin turns us in on ourselves. Sin makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little self-defined world. Sin causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be way too self-aware and self-important. Sin causes us to be offended most by offenses against us and to be concerned most for what concerns us. Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and to plan self-oriented plans. Because of sin, we really do love us, and we have a wonderful plan for our lives.

Notice the progression of the passage

Consider the good news of this passage

Tim Keller: Woundedness makes us self absorbed…This is not hard to see in others, of course. When you begin to talk to wounded people, it is not long before they begin talking about themselves. They’re so engrossed in their own pain and problems that they don’t realize what they look like to others. They are not sensitive to the needs of others. They don’t pick up the cues of those who are hurting, or, if they do, they only do so in a self-involved way. That is, they do so with a view of helping to “rescue” them in order to feel better about themselves. They get involved with others in an obsessive and controlling way because they are actually meeting their own needs, though they deceive themselves about this. We are always, always the last to see our self-absorption. Our hurts and wounds can make our self-centeredness even more intractable. When you point out selfish behavior to a wounded person, he or she will say, ‘Well, maybe so, but you don’t understand what it is like”. The wounds justify the behavior.

Our struggle is worse than we imagined

Our struggle is less complex than we imagined

On Sin and Woundeness

The Slippery Slope of Conflict

Escape Responses

Attack Responses

Peacemaking Responses

The Throne Diagram

Recognize the ascending desire

Does it consume my thoughts?

Do I sin to get it? Do I sin when I don’t get it?

Do I sin when I don’t get it?

Do I sin to get it?

Further questions

Do I sin when I don’t get it?

Further questions:

You must give me __ or I’ll be angry at you or cold toward you...

If only ___ would change, I would be satisfied or content

If I don’t get ____, then I become depressed, angry, or anxious

What I think I need or desperately want is _____

Repent of letting the desire rule

Refocus on God and His Grace, Provisions, and Promises

Replace sinful responses with Christ-like grace

First, notice that James does not highlight the specific fights and quarrels. He could have—we can look at the rest of James’ letter and discover what perhaps may have been their specific quarrels. But James seems to be more concerned with the heart. As CJ Mahaney notes, “The occasion and the issues are irrelevant to James, because they aren't the source. Instead, he highlights the underlying biblical categories by which we can best understand every conflict.”

Secondly, be prepared for what James is saying in this text. If you look all the way back to we see the horrible effects of Adam and Eve’s rebellion. When God asks them, “where are you”? Adam explains his hiding. God then asks “who told you that you were naked—did you eat from the tree?” Adam points the finger at the woman—but he’s really pointing the finger at God. He says, “the woman that YOU gave me—she made me do it”. And then God turns to the woman and says, “What is this that you have done?” The woman then pulls the first Flip Wilson impersonation and says, “The devil made me do it”. Blame-shifting is the first couples default defense mechanism.

We do that same thing today. We are a little more comfortable saying that what causes fights and quarrels in our marriage is something external. It’s money. It’s what “she’s doing”. It’s what “he’s doing”. It’s extended family. It’s the stress of kids. Yes, all of these things seem to stack the cards against us. They are reality. They are triggers that rub up against us and just like the serpent they tempt us to—turn away from God and His Word. But at the end of the day James does not let us hide behind a pointed finger.

C.J. Mahaney invites us to look a little more closely at the passage when he says:

Look carefully at the language of this passage. What begins as a "quarrel" at the outset of verse 1 is described as "war within" at the end of verse 1. What begins as a "fight" in verse 1 is described as "murder" and "coveting" in verse 2. The language doesn't soften as the passage progresses; it strengthens. These verses begin with a human assessment of relational conflict (fights, quarrels) and proceed to a divine evaluation of relational conflict (war, murder, coveting).

When we quarrel and fight, God sees war and murder. What we may see as an "issue" between two individuals, God sees as a violation of his holy law rooted in covetousness and self-exaltation. Quarrels and fights reveal the presence of sin--and not simply sin against another person, but ultimately and most seriously, sin against God. Conflict is far worse than we think.

But there is good news in this as well. While conflict is far worse than we think it is also not as complex as we often make it out to be. We are meaning makers. We always try to figure out why things happen and what it all means. We do this same thing with conflict—and when you combine this with our sinful tendency to point the finger we often get confused.

The painful—though helpful reality—that James helps us see is that the reason for conflict is right here in our hearts. David Powlison helps us see from that what really underlies conflict are the cravings that we have.

One of the joys of biblical ministry comes when you are able to turn on the lights in another person's dark room....I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motives. teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It's not "because my wife/husband..."--it's because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them--cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life--can repent and find God's grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.

What’s really going on in our conflicts is that our hearts—having a sense of entitlement—are craving something that we do not have at this moment. And so we fight until we get what we believe is rightfully ours.

Forgive me for sharing two rather lengthy quotes. But I think combined they give us great insight to what is really going on in our hearts. Perhaps this is not reflective of your own heart—but as I think about what both Keller and Tripp are saying here I am sad to say that far too often this describes me.

First, Tripp explains to us from the nature of sin:

The apostle Paul summarizes here what sin does to all of us. Sin turns us in on ourselves. Sin makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little self-defined world. Sin causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be way too self-aware and self-important. Sin causes us to be offended most by offenses against us and to be concerned most for what concerns us. Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and to plan self-oriented plans. Because of sin, we really do love us, and we have a wonderful plan for our lives.

Next Tim Keller in speaking of the wounds that we all carry around shows how this “woundedness” when combined with sin causes us to turn inward.

Woundedness makes us self absorbed…This is not hard to see in others, of course. When you begin to talk to wounded people, it is not long before they begin talking about themselves. They’re so engrossed in their own pain and problems that they don’t realize what they look like to others. They are not sensitive to the needs of others. They don’t pick up the cues of those who are hurting, or, if they do, they only do so in a self-involved way. That is, they do so with a view of helping to “rescue” them in order to feel better about themselves. They get involved with others in an obsessive and controlling way because they are actually meeting their own needs, though they deceive themselves about this. We are always, always the last to see our self-absorption. Our hurts and wounds can make our self-centeredness even more intractable. When you point out selfish behavior to a wounded person, he or she will say, ‘Well, maybe so, but you don’t understand what it is like”. The wounds justify the behavior.

THRONE DIAGRAM

FIGURE 2

FIGURE 3

1. Recognize the ascending desire

a. Complete sample statements on p.67

2. Repent of letting the desire rule

a. What exactly are you repenting of?

b. Consider this from Kerry Skinner

3. Refocus on God and His Grace, Provisions, and Promises

a.

b. Pray through the Scriptures for the relationship

4. Replace sinful responses with Christlike Grace

Think through your relationships and the ones that you have conflict in. What might be so ascending desires? How have these desires caused conflict?

Are you still thinking more of your own personal woundedness?