WHAT LIES BENEATH
Behind Family Lines • Sermon • Submitted
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· 3 viewsUnresolved Conflict Destroys Family Life
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What Lies Beneath
What Lies Beneath
:12-23
Now King David was told, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went down and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing. When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.
As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty. Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.
When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.
Now King David was told, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went down and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing. When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.
As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty. Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.
When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.
Introduction:
1. Ill. of Alex and I going diving at Riverbend Retreat Center - WHAT LIES BENEATH
2. JUST AS WE COULDN’T REALLY SEE WHAT LIES BENEATH - SO MANY MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES ARE BLIND TO WHAT LIES BENEATH
3. ILL. OF GOING DIVING IN COZUMEL - YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE EVERYTHING UNDER THE WATER - THAT’S OUR GOAL IN THIS SERIES - TO CLEARLY SEE WHAT LIES BENEATH - YOU CAN’T FIX WHAT YOU DON’T SEE
I. LET’S BE CANDID
Elephant - Unresolved Conflict
1. A married couple had a quarrel and ended up giving each other the silent treatment. Two days into their mute argument, the man realized he needed his wife’s help. In order to catch a flight to Chicago for a business meeting, he had to get up at 5 a.m.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up only to discover his wife was already out of bed, it was 9 a.m., and his flight had long since departed. He was about to find his wife and demand an answer for her failings when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. He read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
2. In one Peanuts comic strip, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.” “Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”
Rust is a result of hydrated ferric oxides forming on iron containing materials by oxidation in the presence of water. In other words, iron plus water equals rust. Rust does not happen immediately, it takes some time. It starts very slowly but when it is detected it must be dealt with immediately or the metal will deteriorate and start to disintegrate. Rust automatically happens when iron-containing metals come into the presence of water. Rust is inevitable, unless you take steps to prevent it from forming and (or) remove it as soon as it forms. If metal is neglected or ignored, rust will completely eat through the metal rendering it useless. Rust will cause something that was once strong and durable to become weak and brittle. What is my point? Unresolved conflict is the rust of marriage.
3. ILL. OF RUST - Rust is a result of hydrated ferric oxides forming on iron containing materials by oxidation in the presence of water. In other words, iron plus water equals rust. Rust does not happen immediately, it takes some time. It starts very slowly but when it is detected it must be dealt with immediately or the metal will deteriorate and start to disintegrate. Rust automatically happens when iron-containing metals come into the presence of water. Rust is inevitable, unless you take steps to prevent it from forming and (or) remove it as soon as it forms. If metal is neglected or ignored, rust will completely eat through the metal rendering it useless. Rust will cause something that was once strong and durable to become weak and brittle. What is my point? Unresolved conflict is the rust of marriage.
4. Rust is a product of nature. Conflict is a product of human nature. In any marriage conflict is inevitable. It is not a matter of if conflict will arise, but when it will happen
2.A married couple had a quarrel and ended up giving each other the silent treatment. Two days into their mute argument, the man realized he needed his wife’s help. In order to catch a flight to Chicago for a business meeting, he had to get up at 5 a.m.
3.
3.In one Peanuts comic strip, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.” “Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”
3.In one Peanuts comic strip, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.” “Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up only to discover his wife was already out of bed, it was 9 a.m., and his flight had long since departed. He was about to find his wife and demand an answer for her failings when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. He read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”
4.
5. One man said, “Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.”
6. 2 Lies The Enemy Gets Us To Believe About Conflict:
6. 2 Lies The Enemy Gets Us To Believe About Conflict:
a. If We Bury It; IT WILL GO AWAY
b. If We Ignore It; IT WILL GET BETTER
7. As we go behind family lines in David’s life - while looking picture perfect on the outside - we begin to see WHAT LIES BENEATH - WE BEGIN TO SEE THE RUST IN THE RELATIONSHIP - Unresolved Conflict
8. As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
Elephant - Unresolved Conflict
II. LET”S BE COURAGEOUS
Dig Deep - What Lies Beneath (What’s Down There)
II. LET
1. “ … do not let the sun go down on your anger”
1. “ … do not let the sun go down on your anger”
III. LET’S BE CONSISTENT
2. How often have you gone to sleep angry with (or at) your spouse? How many times have you had an argument and failed to resolve it before going to bed? Has it been too many times to count? How many days go by before you finally forgive each other? How many issues have you simply ignored hoping they will go away? Does the anger, the unforgiveness, the unresoveled issue, just go away with time? No it doesn't and no they don't. They sit just below the surface rusting away at the metal of your relationship.
2. How often have you gone to sleep angry with (or at) your spouse? How many times have you had an argument and failed to resolve it before going to bed? Has it been too many times to count? How many days go by before you finally forgive each other? How many issues have you simply ignored hoping they will go away? Does the anger, the unforgiveness, the unresoveled issue, just go away with time? No it doesn't and no they don't. They sit just below the surface rusting away at the metal of your relationship.
3. It’s time to be courageous and deal with unresolved conflict
4. As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
5. How do you get to the point of despising someone in your heart - Years of unresolved conflict
III. LET’S BE CONSISTENT
6.
17 Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”
18 But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my father’s clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” 19 So when the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.
20 Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. 21 “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”
6. How does unresolved conflict manifest itself:
6. How does unresolved conflict manifest itself:
a. Pain -
17 Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”
18 But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my father’s clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” 19 So when the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.
20 Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. 21 “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”
Think about the emotions that surface in response to conflict with your spouse. You’ll find that the same emotions surface each time. For example, you might feel unaccepted, abandoned and defective. Those emotions differ from feelings of being disrespected, invalidated, and controlled
Think about the emotions that surface in response to conflict with your spouse. You’ll find that the same emotions surface each time. For example, you might feel unaccepted, abandoned and defective. Those emotions differ from feelings of being disrespected, invalidated, and controlledb. Blame
וb. Blame
Think about the emotions that surface in response to conflict with your spouse. You’ll find that the same emotions surface each time. For example, you might feel unaccepted, abandoned and defective. Those emotions differ from feelings of being disrespected, invalidated, and controlled
Think about the emotions that surface in response to conflict with your spouse. You’ll find that the same emotions surface each time. For example, you might feel unaccepted, abandoned and defective. Those emotions differ from feelings of being disrespected, invalidated, and controlled. The differences are nuanced but critical in understanding the destructive dynamic between you both.
b. Blame
b. Blame - Marries Abigail and Saul gives Michal to someone else
b. Blame
b. Blame
c.
Think about the emotions that surface in response to conflict with your spouse. You’ll find that the same emotions surface each time. For example, you might feel unaccepted, abandoned and defective. Those emotions differ from feelings of being disrespected, invalidated, and controlled. The differences are nuanced but critical in understanding the destructive dynamic between you both.
You blame each other for your own pain
b. Blame
You blame each other for your own pain
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, especially in marriage. These clashes usually prompt us to say and do regretful things towards each other. When those hurtful things are said and done by your spouse, you certainly don’t feel secure and loved in that moment. Your line of thinking tells you that someone who truly loved and cared about you wouldn’t intentionally cause you such pain, right?
c. Defensive
Most of your feelings and ways of coping were formed well before your marriage.
Time to take a look at the skeletons in your closet.
Rooted somewhere in your past are incidents that have caused certain emotions to become strongly associated with a loss of security and love. And because they are unresolved, the pain of memory is incredibly sharp.
Pain is something that we are hardwired to avoid, so how does one protect themselves against something like a intangible memory? This takes us to the next stage.
III. LET’S BE CONSISTENT
When you feel attacked, what’s your first instinct? To defend yourself. - THIS IS WHERE THE MOST DAMAGE IS DONE - IT’S HERE THAT YOUR WORDS OR LACK OF WORDS BECOME WEAPONS - IT’S HERE THAT COUPLES:
Lash out in anger
When those painful emotions from your past are triggered by the conflict you have with your spouse, you subconscious rushes to deploy a defense to help you cope with the sudden perceived loss of love and security.
Shut Down
d. Resentment
e. Despise
You might feel compelled to lash out with harsh words in order to push your spouse away and prevent further pain. You might shut down and withdraw in order to guard yourself from them, and you think that perhaps the hurt they experience from being shut out will teach them to avoid conflict with you altogether. Both of these ways of coping are destructive to a marriage and to yourself.
7. In all of this the issue never gets resolved and the issue at hand is never really the issue anymore
. III. LET’S BE CONSISTENT
New Patterns - New Outcomes
Since conflict is inevitable - it is important that we learn how to deal with it properly
New Patterns for Conflict Resolution
a. Step #1. Look inside yourself.
Step one: look inside yourself before you look critically at your spouse. Have you ever been mad at your spouse about something that you yourself have done? Have you ever forgotten to take out the trash, and then yelled at your spouse for forgetting to take out the trash? I know that is a very simplistic scenario but it gets my point across. As (NASB) says, Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? We have a tendency to see faults in others and not even realize that we have the same faults. The fault that drives you nuts about someone else is probably very prevalent in you; you just can't see it because there is a “log” in your eye.
Step one: look inside yourself before you look critically at your spouse. Have you ever been mad at your spouse about something that you yourself have done? Have you ever forgotten to take out the trash, and then yelled at your spouse for forgetting to take out the trash? I know that is a very simplistic scenario but it gets my point across. As (NASB) says, Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? We have a tendency to see faults in others and not even realize that we have the same faults. The fault that drives you nuts about someone else is probably very prevalent in you; you just can't see it because there is a “log” in your eye.
b. Step #2. Choose the right circumstance.
b. Step #2. Choose the right circumstance.
b. Step #2. Choose the right circumstance.
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
Step two: choose the right circumstance to resolve conflict. What is a circumstance? A circumstance is a combination of place, time, events, and specifications. is telling us that a word spoken at the right time, the right place, with a specific goal in mind is as valuable (if not more so) as expensive jewelry. Carefully choose the right time and place to lovingly confront each other on an issue. You need to sit down together and pick the time that is most convenient for both of you. An issue does not have to be settled today if you both agree to a time tomorrow that works well for you. Next you have to choose a place to lovingly confront each other. Pick a restaurant that you both enjoy, or a park that you both like, or any place that you both agree on will serve our purpose. The important thing is you both agree on a time and place to lovingly confront each other. By setting up the right circumstances, you are setting yourself up for success.
Step two: choose the right circumstance to resolve conflict. What is a circumstance? A circumstance is a combination of place, time, events, and specifications. is telling us that a word spoken at the right time, the right place, with a specific goal in mind is as valuable (if not more so) as expensive jewelry. Carefully choose the right time and place to lovingly confront each other on an issue. You need to sit down together and pick the time that is most convenient for both of you. An issue does not have to be settled today if you both agree to a time tomorrow that works well for you. Next you have to choose a place to lovingly confront each other. Pick a restaurant that you both enjoy, or a park that you both like, or any place that you both agree on will serve our purpose. The important thing is you both agree on a time and place to lovingly confront each other. By setting up the right circumstances, you are setting yourself up for success.
c. Step #3. Speak the truth, but speak it in love.
But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ.
But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ.
Step Three: What do think happens to a relationship when one person speaks truthfully, but without love. The results are hurt feelings, a sense of unworthiness, and a crushed spirit. If you truly love your spouse, is this really the message you want to send? Husbands, if your wife is trying on a dress and asks if the dress makes her look fat, do not tell her that the dress would look fine if she would just loose 30 pounds. Just let her know that the horizontal stripes in the dress don't do anything for her.
Step Three: What do think happens to a relationship when one person speaks truthfully, but without love. The results are hurt feelings, a sense of unworthiness, and a crushed spirit. If you truly love your spouse, is this really the message you want to send? Husbands, if your wife is trying on a dress and asks if the dress makes her look fat, do not tell her that the dress would look fine if she would just loose 30 pounds. Just let her know that the horizontal stripes in the dress don't do anything for her.
Speaking the truth in love can be especially difficult when you are having an argument with your spouse. Do not use sentences that start with “you always” or “you never.” Those sentences have the exact opposite intent that you want because you are saying “100% of the time you always…” or “100% of the time you never…” You cannot speak the truth in love when you use either of those two phrases. The reason? You cannot use either of those phrases and actually speak the truth. If your spouse forgets to take out the trash (again) and you blow your stack (again), do not say to your spouse, “You always forget to take out the trash!” First off, your spouse will know that your statement was a lie. Secondly, your spouse will ignore anything else you say next because the first statement you made was a lie. Speaking the truth in love means that you must say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you would remember to take out the trash, dear.
Speaking the truth in love can be especially difficult when you are having an argument with your spouse. Do not use sentences that start with “you always” or “you never.” Those sentences have the exact opposite intent that you want because you are saying “100% of the time you always…” or “100% of the time you never…” You cannot speak the truth in love when you use either of those two phrases. The reason? You cannot use either of those phrases and actually speak the truth. If your spouse forgets to take out the trash (again) and you blow your stack (again), do not say to your spouse, “You always forget to take out the trash!” First off, your spouse will know that your statement was a lie. Secondly, your spouse will ignore anything else you say next because the first statement you made was a lie. Speaking the truth in love means that you must say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you would remember to take out the trash, dear.
It is very difficult to speak the truth in love when you have lost your temper or when you are angry. This is another reason why it is important to pick the right time and place to lovingly confront each other. You will have an easier time speaking the truth in love if you have given each other time to calm down. You will also have had time to think about what you want to say before you say it. Your conflicts get resolved and your relationship gets restored. It is a win-win situation.
It is very difficult to speak the truth in love when you have lost your temper or when you are angry. This is another reason why it is important to pick the right time and place to lovingly confront each other. You will have an easier time speaking the truth in love if you have given each other time to calm down. You will also have had time to think about what you want to say before you say it. Your conflicts get resolved and your relationship gets restored. It is a win-win situation.
It is very difficult to speak the truth in love when you have lost your temper or when you are angry. This is another reason why it is important to pick the right time and place to lovingly confront each other. You will have an easier time speaking the truth in love if you have given each other time to calm down. You will also have had time to think about what you want to say before you say it. Your conflicts get resolved and your relationship gets restored. It is a win-win situation.
It is very difficult to speak the truth in love when you have lost your temper or when you are angry. This is another reason why it is important to pick the right time and place to lovingly confront each other. You will have an easier time speaking the truth in love if you have given each other time to calm down. You will also have had time to think about what you want to say before you say it. Your conflicts get resolved and your relationship gets restored. It is a win-win situation.
It is very difficult to speak the truth in love when you have lost your temper or when you are angry. This is another reason why it is important to pick the right time and place to lovingly confront each other. You will have an easier time speaking the truth in love if you have given each other time to calm down. You will also have had time to think about what you want to say before you say it. Your conflicts get resolved and your relationship gets restored. It is a win-win situation.
For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. ,
For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. ,
d. Step #4. You Must Create An Atmosphere Where Being Open And Honest Is Safe
e. Step #5. Truly Listen And Validate What The Other Person Is Saying Or Feeling
f. Step #6. Choose To Walk In Forgiveness
For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. ,
For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. ,
For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. ,
Step Four: These two verses tell us that if we forgive others then God will forgive us. If we choose not to forgive others, then God will not forgive us. It's your choice; you can forgive or not, it's up to you. Your willingness to forgive others is used by God to determine whether or not he will forgive you. These verses apply to all personal relationships, but for our purposes we will narrow this down to the relationship between husbands and wives. Unforgiveness accelerates the growth of rust in your marriage.
Step Four: These two verses tell us that if we forgive others then God will forgive us. If we choose not to forgive others, then God will not forgive us. It's your choice; you can forgive or not, it's up to you. Your willingness to forgive others is used by God to determine whether or not he will forgive you. These verses apply to all personal relationships, but for our purposes we will narrow this down to the relationship between husbands and wives. Unforgiveness accelerates the growth of rust in your marriage.
g. Step #7. Forgive And Forget
Once the issue is dealt with - you don’t get to bring it up again - it is in the past
h. Step #8. Choose Reconciliation Over Resolution
Step #5. Forgive and forget.
Conclusion:
Forgive and forget means that after you have forgiven your spouse, you don't keep bringing the situation up again and again. Don't keep digging up what you have already buried. If you keep dredging up something that already has been forgiven, then that is a sign that you have not really forgiven at all. If your spouse has truly repented. and you have truly forgiven, then there is no reason to bring it up again. It is sanding off the rust of conflict and painting the surface so that it looks brand new.
Forgive and forget means that after you have forgiven your spouse, you don't keep bringing the situation up again and again. Don't keep digging up what you have already buried. If you keep dredging up something that already has been forgiven, then that is a sign that you have not really forgiven at all. If your spouse has truly repented. and you have truly forgiven, then there is no reason to bring it up again. It is sanding off the rust of conflict and painting the surface so that it looks brand new.
Think about what your marriage would be and look like if you got rid of the rust of conflict every time it surfaced. The good news is that rust control can be a reality and not just a dream if you will just follow these rust prevention techniques. With God's help, you can resolve conflict and have richer relationship with your spouse. Do not let unresolved conflict drive a wedge into your marriage. Use these tools and enjoy the relationship God intended marriage to be in your life. May God richly bless you, your spouse, and your marriage.
Think about what your marriage would be and look like if you got rid of the rust of conflict every time it surfaced. The good news is that rust control can be a reality and not just a dream if you will just follow these rust prevention techniques. With God's help, you can resolve conflict and have richer relationship with your spouse. Do not let unresolved conflict drive a wedge into your marriage. Use these tools and enjoy the relationship God intended marriage to be in your life. May God richly bless you, your spouse, and your marriage.