Singleness

Singleness

Single and Satisfied

By June Hunt

“Had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you find yourself, divine love would

have placed you there.”

—Charles Haddon Spurgeon

DEFINITIONS

A. What Does It Mean to Be Single?

• The word single means “consisting of a separate, unique whole” (an individual).1

• Single suggests being exclusively attentive (an undivided heart).

• The word single comes from the Latin word singulus, which means “one only.”2

“She showed single devotion to her religion. To those whose views are single and direct, it is a great

comfort to have to do business with frank and honorable minds.”

—Thomas Jefferson

B. What Is Singleness?

• Singleness is the state of any man or woman of marriageable age who is not married.

• The Bible uses the Greek word agamos, which means “unmarried or unwedded.”3 This word

is used four times in 1 Cor 7, primarily to encourage the unmarried to remain unmarried.

• Singleness is a term that includes three categories of single adults, each with unique areas of

concern, but all with similar challenges.

Single For All Seasons

• men who never marry (sometimes called bachelors)

• women who never marry (sometimes called spinsters)

Single For A Season

• adults who will be married

Single Again

• the separated who are not living with their mates

• the divorced whose marriage contracts are terminated

• the widowed who lose their mates by death

“Being single is a special condition . . . not a second class condition.”4

Rom 8:28

C. Myths about Singleness

Myth of the Never Married

Myth:

“God’s best is marriage. Singleness is second best.”

Truth:

According to Scripture, singleness is referred to as the preferred state that allows

undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Cor 7:8

1 Cor 7:35

Myth of the Separated

Myth:

“Living in limbo is terrible. Any decision is better than no decision.”

Truth:

God wants us to learn to be content in any state and to patiently wait on His timing.

Phil 4:11

Myth of the Divorced

Myth:

“All you need is a mate.”

Truth:

The Lord will be your mate if your earthly mate chooses to leave.

Hos 2:19-20

Myth of the Widowed

Myth:

“After your mate dies, you are left incomplete and unfulfilled.”

Truth:

As a Christian, you are given complete fullness in Christ even before your marriage.

Col 2:9-10

Myth of the state of Singleness

Myth:

“Since God uses the family to build character, you will never become mature if you

remain unmarried.”5

Truth:

Your marital state does not determine maturity. When you became a believer, God

took the responsibility to bring you to maturity.

Phil 1:3-6

SYMPTOMS

Although singleness in itself is not a problem, there are certain related difficulties that can affect the

emotional health of a single person.6

A. Difficulty with Identity

• “Who am I?”

• “I don’t fit in.”

• “What is my purpose?”

• “I don’t have any direction.”

Eph 2:10

B. Difficulty with Loneliness

• “I don’t have fulfilling companionship.”

• “I need someone to share my life.”

• “I feel so alone.”

Heb 13:5

C. Difficulty with Rejection

• “I am not wanted.”

• “I don’t belong to anyone.”

• “I must not be lovable.”

1 John 3:1

D. Difficulty with Fear

• “I am missing out on life.”

• “I will be all alone when I am old.”

• “I don’t want to be hurt ever again.”

Isa 41:10

E. Difficulty with Bitterness

• “The world seems to revolve around married people.”

• “I am not receiving the best in life.”

• “God must be punishing me.”

Ps 84:11

F. Difficulty with Sexuality

• “A sexual relationship is the only means to intimacy.”

• “I don’t know what to do with my sexual desires.”

• “I am missing out on sexual fulfillment.”

Rom 12:1

G. Difficulty with Self-Worth

• “I don’t feel valuable.”

• “I must not be worth much.”

• “I am not worthy enough to be loved.”

Isa 43:4

CAUSES OF DISCONTENTMENT

A. Surface Causes

Many people categorize and overgeneralize their opinions about singles. The negative attitudes and

actions of others can cause the unmarried to feel pressured and dissatisfied with their state of singleness.

2 Cor 4:8-9

• Parental Pressure

—parents assuming marriage is the only route to your happiness

—parents wanting grandchildren

—parents desiring a secure future for you

• Peer Pressure

—friends wanting you to “fit in”

—friends pushing you to make a commitment

—friends seeking to “match you up” with someone

• Professional Pressure

—professions that require a spouse

—professional attitudes that view a married employee as more stable and dependable

—professions that pay single men and women lower salaries

—professional organizations placing singles in a “second class status”

• Personal Pressure

—personal desire for children

—personal sexual desires

—personal fear of financial insecurity

—personal difficulties getting credit, insurance, loans, etc.

—personal income taxes at higher rates

B. Root Cause

The root cause of discontentment in singles is the unrealistic expectation that marriage and sexual

expression are necessary to meet all one’s inner needs, rather than trusting the Lord to meet these needs.

• The need for unconditional love

Wrong Belief:

“I need to be married to feel whole, secure and completely loved.”

Right Belief:

I realize that no human being loves perfectly. I will rely on God’s perfect,

unconditional and everlasting love.

Jer 31:3

• The need for significance

Wrong Belief:

“I need to be married so that my life will have meaning and purpose.”

Right Belief:

Only as I grow in God’s purpose for me . . . conforming my character to the

character of Christ . . . will I experience significant fulfillment.

Rom 8:29

• The need for security

Wrong Belief:

“I need a mate in order to feel secure.”

Right Belief:

The only lasting security is found in a close relationship with the Lord.

Deut 33:12

STEPS TO SOLUTION

A. Key Verse to Memorize

2 Peter 1:3

B. Key Passage to Read and Reread

1 Cor 7

God’s Heart on Singleness

• Singleness is a good state in which to be.

1 Cor 7:1

• Singleness is a gift from God.

1 Cor 7:7

• Singleness is a good state for widows.

1 Cor 7:8

• Singleness is the state in which to remain if separation occurs.

1 Cor 7:11

• Singles are less affected by crisis and worldly difficulties.

1 Cor 7:26

• Singles should not search for mates.

1 Cor 7:27

• Singles face less personal difficulty.

1 Cor 7:28

• Singles have fewer concerns.

1 Cor 7:32

• Singles can focus on pleasing the Lord.

1 Cor 7:32

• Singles can have undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Cor 7:34-35

• Singleness can be the happier state.

1 Cor 7:40

C. Choose to Be Content

Contentment is the most important attitude for a person who is single. When you allow God to fulfill His

purpose for your life, instead of pursuing your own, you unlock the door to a pathway of opportunities.

1 Tim 6:6

Content

Confess the difficulty.

It is hard to give up the desires of your heart.

• Admit you are discontented.

• Admit your anger, frustration and loneliness.

• Admit being single is not your first choice.

• Acknowledge God’s right to order your life.

Jer 10:23

Overcome the “greener grass” mentality.

Don’t assume that the grass is greener on the other side.

• Marriage does not cure loneliness.

• Marriage does not provide self-worth.

• Marriage does not cure depression.

• Marriage does not provide security.

1 Cor 7:28

Nourish a heart of gratefulness.

In your singleness, you can be grateful that you have the . . .

• Freedom to be yourself

• Freedom to attain your own aspirations

• Freedom to take risks

• Freedom with use of time

• Freedom of mobility

• Freedom in financial planning

• Freedom to nurture deep relationships

• Freedom to lean completely on the Lord

• Freedom to serve the Lord in any way

1 Thess 5:16-18

Treasure your identity in Christ.

What is true when Christ lives within you?

• You are loved.

John 15:9

• You are totally accepted.

Rom 15:7

• You belong to God.

Rom 8:16

• You are never alone.

Heb 13:5

• You are free from fear.

1 Peter 5:7

• You have all the confidence you need.

Prov 3:26

• You have the mind of Christ.

1 Cor 2:16

• You have a purpose in life.

Ps 138:8

Col 3:3

Expect God to give you a ministry.

God desires to use you in the lives of others.

• Learn your spiritual gift.

• Love others with agape love (desiring another’s highest good).

• Learn the art of encouraging others.

• Look for ways to meet the needs of others.

Rom 12:4-17

Nurture a family of friends.

Pray for God to bring wise, faithful friends into your life.

• Be open to several significant relationships.

• Be the initiator of calls and contacts.

• Be consistent in planning one-on-one quality time.

• Be free in sharing your true thoughts and feelings.

• Be interested in their interests.

• Be compassionate about their concerns.

Prov 17:17

Trust your future to God.

God will meet your deepest inner needs when you lay down your life and give Him

control.

• Lay down your emotions.

Feelings follow thinking. Learn to think the way God thinks through studying and

memorizing Scripture.

• Lay down your will.

Give up having to have things your way. Give up your demands for marriage.

• Lay down your expectations.

Matt 6:33

Don’t miss the beauty of now! God is nurturing the soil of your life so that you can bring beauty to the

lives of others. Bloom where you are planted . . . now!

—June Hunt

SINGLES IN SCRIPTURE

JESUS

John 17:4

Following His Father’s chosen path, Jesus grew to complete maturity and fulfilled God’s unique purpose

for His life. Jesus knew how to relate to all people in perfect love.

PAUL

Paul used his singleness as a special gift that allowed him to carry out God’s purposes. His zealous heart

to serve the Lord resulted in a life that was considered by many to be second only to that of Christ in

influencing others for the kingdom of God.

1 Cor 7:7

LYDIA

Lydia was unmarried and had become a very competent businesswoman. Although she was a Gentile, her

heart responded to the message of Christ, and she became a disciple of Paul. She opened her home to

establish the first church in Philippi, and it became an active church.

Acts 16:14-15

ELIJAH

Elijah was the most remarkable prophet of the Old Testament. His name, which means “Jehovah is my

God,” fits him perfectly. Elijah was free to follow God’s call to confront the idolatrous worship of Baal

during the reign of Ahab. Consequently, he became the most powerful and courageous reformer of his day.

1 Kings 18:15

DORCAS

The widow Dorcas dedicated her life to doing good for others and helping the poor. When she died, her

distraught friends sent for Peter to pray over her. God answered his prayer with a miraculous resurrection

that became known all over Joppa, resulting in many converts.

Acts 9:36

If you are single, for whatever amount of time,

God’s plan is to use you mightily in the lives of others.

NOTES

1. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (2001); www.m-w.com.

2. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.

3. James Strong, Strong’s Hebrew Lexicon (electronic edition; Online Bible Millennium Edition v.

1.13) (Timnathserah Inc., July 6, 2002).

4. Ron Lee Davis and James C. Denney, The Healing Choice: Finding God’s Grace in

Discouragement, Conflict, Mistreatment, Illness, Loss, Loneliness, Failure, Inferiority, Doubt and

Fear (Waco, TX: Word, 1986), 78.

5. Davis and Denney, The Healing Choice, 78.

6. For this section see Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide, rev. ed.

(Dallas: Word, 1988), 366-68.

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