Relationships that Mean Something

4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. 5 Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. 6 And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; 7 yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah 8 I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.”

my equal—specifically rank—literally, the one beside me in the battle array—my warrior brother / sister

companion- partner in the work; close and dependable sharer of teh load—can be used as close friend, spouse, or even beast of burden that is like a pet—together in the work (pet mule or ox or cow);

familiar friend (yada) (pual passive) - about intimate knowledge—cf ps 139:2 re know simple details of living like when you get up and when you go to bed—know as if there for it—but note the passive voice emphasizing this—I let myself be known by you

**** Only the people that can hurt you can help you, because only the people that can know the real you can be part of the new you--

*** and all this happened as tehy shared a spiritual pursuit—arguably the deepest kind of friendship—exposes the greatest sensitivities and calls for the most thorough freedoms—so that I never become your judge—just sharer in life with God—specifically teh areas of “sweet counsel”—we shared the most heart-deep things—we talked about everything

suggests 3 things we really aim for--

equality (humility; mutuality—we are equals) (this relationship will not tolerate an attitude of superiority, and will not function with mindset of inferiority—this is a two-sided coin with people on both sides responsible

caring investment (your burdens are my burdens, and mine are yours—practically we share (Cf —the perfection of the church—also 1 Cor and 2 Cor with Cf Jerusalem)—noticing a quote & FB tagging, remembering a birthday or special day, Job’s friends—sitting with him was right, if tehy hadn’t been so misguided!

availability and trustworthiness- (CF Wanda’s reluctance to share with women)- extremes re: men- first John Wayne (Rugged Ralph) then Sensitive Stu; same for women—first no voice, then fight to be heard—have to find a way to be healthily vulnerable—cf this in the real people thing--

Here’s why--

incarnation / self-reflection / God-reflection

esp in closest relationships

Power for two very critical things--

create a new normal

reprogram a new view

**** These come together

*** Cfc sociological / psychological info re: acceptance; also poverty and orphaned info

If going to geth to this, must undo two errors--

faith is a private thing—Cf one anothers--encouragement, healing, building, maturing, etc (Cf reaction to chruch as social) (Cf and social construction—but really not new, just new to us—their Hebrew roots were already very communal)

Love is an emotional thing—Cf “all you need is love”—only if you’re talking about real love—failure of the love-like things is exactly what created much of this problem—Cf see-saww bruises—and insert into this that without realizing it, God has programmed us to get info about Him from one another—you’ve known it happnes, you just maybe didn’t realize that we are designed to work that way—Cf imago dei—from teh very beginning, to one another—complete not only in that both together are image, but that with no self-awareness, I get whatever things I am meant to have as a sense of self from you—you’re not cross-wired because you end up having difficulty in how you view yourself if people looked down on you when you were a kid—if they called you stupid or worthless or made fun of your clothes or yuro house or the way you talked or your teeth or your complexion or your skin color or your ears or a hundred other things that were out of your control but that you were shamed by nonetheless. And if you say “I just didn’t let it get to me” I will tell you that you’re either lying to me, or to yourself, or what you did was to create a hard enough callous over that tender spot that you didn’t feel the pain any more because you didn’t feel any more

*** Cf opioid crisis

encouragement, healing, building, maturing, etc

*** Cf depression

*** Here’s the thing—

you need truth-in-love relationships with flesh and blood people because your heart needs to be trained in being loved—you must spend enough time with your heart exposed to the repetitious demonstration of loving affirmation that builds even while it challenges so that teh proof of your acceptance by God that’s flying at you finally uproots and overwhelms teh persistent doubt that you have in your basic worth- if you have an anger problem, if you have an eating problem, if you have a drinking problem, if you have a shyness problem, if you have an asthama problem, or dozens of other problems in your body or in your soul, I’m saying to you that you need a barrage of love—genuine love, fully orbed love—you need enough love to hear the challneges of truth that call out your false beliefs and makes you safe enough to try out new legs—to hear “attaboy, you’ve really got it” when you get it right and “oh boy, I bet that sucks, but I’m right here with you, and I’m not going anywhere because we are in this together” when you stumble

BUt there’s another half—you need to be part of truth in love relationships with teh imperfect people right here in this room because it’s only by the challenge of their imperfections that you can fiunally get to the root of your own issues—not to find out how bad you are, but rather to find out how rich and satisfying eth love of God truly is because they were hard headed and difficult enough that they wore out every lesser thing that you tried to meet them with until love was all that was left. Love never fails, remember—we just sometimes fail to love; and when we stay in it—not judt committed to durability but committed to quality, it never lets us off teh hook; Cf “Noise of Solemn Assemblies” re: divorce and church—that teh cultural shift from production to consumptions—that we have shifted our emphasis in cultural ambitions—relates this well...

SO- how to train--

- reach out to the one you would rather walk out on (reach down instead of put down)

...

- Ask what you’re bringing instead of what you’re getting (what did you bring to this moment—and quit trying to make sure the scales are balanced—partnerships need precisely the opposite when it’s a life-sharing relationship—I don’t need your best nearly as much when I’m at my best as I do when I’m at my worst— this is true of church family and family aloke

...

?- be intentional about confession—think of teh things you know God is working on / eg temptations—as bugs that want to scurry away in the light—expose them, and then kil them! How? With confession. We are told to resist the devil and he must flee. The devil is the adversary—but think of that like a prosecutor. He is the one standing you in front of teh judge. You already want to not have what is says is true about you in your life. But you need something stronger. For years we talked about “accountability partners”… Cf Ckoud—you’re going to kill him. I think what you need is commando partners. Cf Navy SEAL talk of 3 things from H Cloud. YOu need a companion in this battle, but if your companion is your judge, then your companion becomes your adversary. Now you’ve got 2—the devil and your friend. THAT’s what Job was facing! Poeple who think they’re helping by the persistent urging you to come clean and accept how bad you are. Of course you struggle with doing things that shouldn’t be! If you’re struggling, you don’t need me to point out your flaw. You need me praying for you. You need me reminding you of some of the truths that you have staked your progress on. YOu need me BELIEVING FOR YOUR BEST IN YOUR BEHALF WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN BELIEVE IT YOURSELF!

Here is the real genius to all of this. You don’t need me to be your conscience—you need me to take on your conscience when it becomes like an allergy and starts to turn on you and break you down with shame!

I’m not saying that you never need a challenging message from a friend. Of course you do—PRECIOUS ARE THE WOUNDS OF A FRIEND, etc. WHat I am saying is that you don’t need me to be a judge. Ever. And in fact, you need me often to fight the judge in your head. YOU NEED ME TO PROVE LOVE TO YOU, and I need you to do that for me.

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