Becoming A Better Husband
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Introduction
Introduction
-There was once an evangelist who was much sought after in his denomination. It was said that you would have to wait a minimum of four years if you wanted him to preach at your church.
-There were several opportunities that tried to pull him away from his family, so his wife and him developed a strategy to balance to the two.
-He would preach out two weeks and be home two weeks. This seemed to go well until one week, their 16 year old son lashed out and outright would not obey his mother.
-The mother called her husband and told him the situation. He cancelled his meeting, turned the car around, and came home to deal with the problem.
-Little did he know his son was listening to the conversation in the other room seeing how his dad would respond.
-Days after this happened, there was a for sale sign in front of the house, the family was moving. The dad had taken a job at a small church and given up his four years of meetings he had previously scheduled.
-During this time he invested heavily in his son. He only had about 2 years left, and he wanted to make it count.
-During those short years of pastoring, the denomination had major changes, older men were retiring, younger men were taking their place, and when the time came for this man to go back into evangelism, those years off crippled his ministry.
-But because of his tough decision, years later his son would go on to start a significant ministry, Focus on the Family.
-James Dobson was the rebellious 16 year old son whose father sacrificed his career in order to gain back his son.
Here is a husband and father who was willing to drop everything going on in his life in order to sacrifice for the good of his family. He looked beyond himself and saw what his family needed.
I wonder tonight, speaking in regards to husbands and fathers, what are we willing to do for the health of our family? How far are you willing to go for the welfare of your marriage? What are you willing to change in order to see things turn around in your home?
As I was considering this lesson, I’ll be honest, I found it difficult to find verses with commandments such as: “husbands do this, or husbands don’t do it.”
As I was meditating on this subject throughout the week, it finally clicked with me. In reality, the whole book of Proverbs is written to husbands.
The overall context of this book is a father, writing to a son, about life and how it is supposed to be lived. Wisdom, skill for living. Rehoboam was still a young man as this was written.
We see warnings against strange women all throughout this book, and pictures of a virtuous woman as in chapter 31. What are husbands supposed to be like though?
We can’t hash out the whole book of Proverbs tonight, but I want to give you several issues that men in particular struggle with and how Solomon addresses those issues with his son in this book of wisdom.
The Issue of Laziness
The Issue of Laziness
Through desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh
And intermeddleth with all wisdom.
He that withholdeth corn, the people shall curse him:
But blessing shall be upon the head of him that selleth it.
The liberal soul shall be made fat:
And he that watereth shall be watered also himself.
Laziness
Laziness
As vinegar to the teeth, and as smoke to the eyes,
So is the sluggard to them that send him.
When you consider the analogy that is given here with vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, both are irritating and painful.
Think about a husband who is lazy. One who does not work. Who contributes little to the home. In his home, he will be like smoke in the eyes and vinegar to the teeth.
Could I challenge us as men tonight to be men who work. I know probably for the most part I’m preaching to the choir, but men, we ought to provide for our household.
We ought to work with our hands. We ought to get up every day realizing that we are fulfilling God’s call on our life to work, and to provide for our homes.
-When we moved from Kansas to Indiana we were there for about 2 months. During those 2 months I did not have a job. I applied many places. I actually took a job at a call center of all places before God called me here. I only lasted one day.
-I knew that I needed to provide for my family. It was within me to find a job to fulfill my role in the home. Many of you know, I work as a janitor. I clean toilets. One of the least desired jobs in the world.
-Do you think I can’t wait to get out of bed every morning knowing that I get to clean up other people’s messes? Do you think I get a thrill when I hear a toilet is clogged? No I don’t. At times I don’t feel like going to work. How many of you identify?
-But I go any way. Because my family is more important to me than my feelings of not enjoying my job. “I don’t feel like going to work” is not an option for me whether I go to work or not.
When you get married you take on responsibility. You can’t just live with yourself in mind because now you have another person to consider. And one of the responsibilities is to work.
Now, why make such a big deal about this issue? I’ve counseled people about this, I’m sure pastor has as well, but you would be surprised how many people can’t hold a job for even a month because they are lazy.
Their spouse is fed up with them and because of that their marriage is on the rocks. They would rather stay in their slothful state, than work through it.
Do you realize that being lazy is actually a harder path than working?
The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns:
But the way of the righteous is made plain.
Living a life of slothfulness is like trudging through a field of thorns. It’s hard, hurtful, and harmful. As men we need to guard against laziness and be the hard workers that God designed us to be.
The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting:
But the substance of a diligent man is precious.
In all labour there is profit:
But the talk of the lips tendeth only to penury.
He also that is slothful in his work
Is brother to him that is a great waster.
The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns:
But the way of the righteous is made plain.
The Issue of Anger
The Issue of Anger
He that hath no rule over his own spirit
Is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.
This issue is prevalent among men. Naturally, men are fighters. You put little girls in a room with dolls, they’ll have a tea party. You put little boys in a room and a fight is sure to break out!
We’ll get to this here in a moment, but men are full of pride, and when we don’t get our way or someone opposes us we can tend to get full of outrage.
But I want you to look at that verse again.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit
Is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.
When we look at this verse through the lens of our culture, it may not seem like a huge deal. But as you consider the historical context of walls and what it meant for a city, it was a life or death situation.
Walls, in Bible days, were a first line of defense. It was a protection to a city. The walls that were laid were thick and nearly impenetrable by enemies.
In fact, the psalmist will time and again illustrate God as a refuge and strength, in essence our strong tower. The walls are significant to protection.
Now, take that same city, tear down the walls, and what do you have? A city susceptible to attack. It is like the begging the enemy to come in and take control.
To the man who has no rule over his own spirit, he is like that city without walls. It is like giving Satan a handcrafted personal invitation to come in and wreak havoc in your life and ultimately your home.
Listen to what Solomon says though in :
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty;
And he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.
Those who have control over their anger are greater than the fiercest warriors. What a huge contrast! You are either a mighty warrior, or you are being defeated in the worst of ways.
This is what I find interesting, even in my own life. The ones who often are the recipients of our anger, are the ones who are closest to us. That is often our spouse and children.
We bring the stress of work home with us. We bring the offense that someone committed against us earlier that day. We bring the bitterness in our hearts of someone who wronged us. We hold in our hearts a grudge against life in general.
And all of these emotions just stir in our minds all day long. We hold it in instead of giving it to God, and these deep seated emotions come out through a lack of grace and love toward our family.
We display a shortness of temper and anger toward our household. We yell, we snip. We don’t listen, we demand.
I’ve noticed that often the way I treat my spouse and children is a good reflection of what my spirit is like. I’m either a mighty warrior guarding my heart, or I’m getting defeated in the worst of ways.
I wonder, if we were to have open mic tonight and give the microphone to each wife in this room and ask how your husband has treated you lately, what would be their response?
Have you been gracious? Have you been short? Have you been understanding? Have you been demanding? Because who you are behind closed doors is a reflection of your true character.
He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly:
And a man of wicked devices is hated.
When you are soon angry, when you are quick-tempered, you make stupid decisions. You say things you shouldn’t. You act in ways you shouldn’t. When you lash out in anger, you are a fool!
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding:
But he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
If we were take to your week last week, and examine your actions would it show a life exalting folly or understanding? Were you soon angered or slow to anger?
Now, I know the argument. “Mike, you don’t understand, I’m this descent and my family is known for being hot heads. That’s just what I am. That’s just in my blood.”
But if you are born again, you have new blood from a new family flowing through your veins! While you might be quick-tempered, and that’s how your family has been historically, by God’s grace you don’t have to be that way.
You don’t have to be angry, you don’t have to be lazy, you don’t have to be, fill in the blank. You should exhibit the fruit of the Spirit!
In your life and mine, are we displaying, love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance? Is our life characterized by a life controlled by the Spirit of God?
A man who controls his spirit is controlled by the Spirit!
A fool’s wrath is presently known:
But a prudent man covereth shame.
He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly:
And a man of wicked devices is hated.
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding:
But he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Talk about fruit of the spirit being exhibited
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty;
And he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit
Is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.
Make no friendship with an angry man;
And with a furious man thou shalt not go:
Lest thou learn his ways,
And get a snare to thy soul.
The Issue of Infidelity
The Issue of Infidelity
A foolish woman is clamorous:
She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
For she sitteth at the door of her house,
On a seat in the high places of the city,
To call passengers
Who go right on their ways:
Whoso is simple, let him turn in hither:
And as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him,
Stolen waters are sweet,
And bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead are there;
And that her guests are in the depths of hell.
Drink waters out of thine own cistern,
And running waters out of thine own well.
Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad,
And rivers of waters in the streets.
Let them be only thine own,
And not strangers’ with thee.
Let thy fountain be blessed:
And rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
And be thou ravished always with her love.
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman,
And embrace the bosom of a stranger?
For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord,
And he pondereth all his goings.
His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself,
And he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.
He shall die without instruction;
And in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.
I’m not going to spend a long time on this point, but it is important to note that this issue is a killer of many marriages. A man who is unfaithful to his spouse is unwise.
But if he be found, he shall restore sevenfold;
He shall give all the substance of his house.
The first part of the passage I read in deals with finding sexual satisfaction with your own spouse. That’s the idea behind drinking water out of thine own cistern.
Then, verse 20 takes a turn and poses this question, “why wilt thou be ravished with a strange woman?”
If you already have a wife with whom God has given to you to find pleasure in, why would you look somewhere else?
Why would you try to meet up with that old high school fling you had? Why would you get up in the dark night hours when everyone is sleeping and slip away to look at things that constitute adultery?
Why would you live a double life and date another woman when you already have a wife?
-My dad was talking to me when I was in college, and he told me something I’ll never forget. He said that while we need to be motivated by a love for God not to do certain things, he said, “Michael, there’s certain things I don’t do because I know your mother would kill me!”
He was somewhat joking. But in all seriousness, he was saying, “I love your mom too much to hurt her. Just because I might have some urge to do something, I’m motivated by my love for her and you as my child not to do it. Instead of being selfish and thinking what might please me, I think of you as my family.”
Men, look at what you have. God has blessed you with the wife you have. Why would you go anywhere else? Find pleasure in your own spouse. Let her be a motivation in keeping pure.
But there is also a motivation to keep pure in verse 21:
For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord,
And he pondereth all his goings.
Do you realize God sees what you and I do? What we might think is secret a concealed from every person on this earth, God knows. That ought to strike fear in our hearts.
That ought to cause us to live differently and act differently. When you love someone you’ll consider them and what they desire than what you might desire.
Adultery is a selfish act, not considering others in the equation.
The Issue of Speech
The Issue of Speech
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
But grievous words stir up anger.
A soft answer is a gentle answer. It’s hard to argue with someone who won’t argue back. It’s hard to fight with someone who won’t fight back. Soft answers turn away wrath.
The north wind driveth away rain:
So doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue.
He that hideth hatred with lying lips,
And he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin:
But he that refraineth his lips is wise.
He that covereth a transgression seeketh love;
But he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
As you consider the soft answer in chapter 15, and now the principle here of refraining from speaking, it reminds me of a modern day proverb we have.
“If you don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all.” Sometimes the most spiritual response you could give to someone is silence.
I’m reminded of Jesus with His accusers, the Bible says, “he answered them not a word.”
Be not a witness against thy neighbour without cause;
And deceive not with thy lips.
Say not, I will do so to him as he hath done to me:
I will render to the man according to his work.
In our marriages we should not use words to tear each other down. We should not use our speech to strike up an argument. Our speech should be kind and edifying.
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb,
Sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
Your words should be life giving. You should build up your spouse.
The Issue of Pride
The Issue of Pride
Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord:
Though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.
A man’s pride shall bring him low:
But honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.
Pride is a major killer in marriage. Pride is where much of our sin stems off of.
Only by pride cometh contention:
But with the well advised is wisdom.
Listen to that again. Only by pride cometh contention. This goes back to the soft answer principle. You don’t have to fight back. If in your marriage you are fighting like cats and dogs, could I give you some advice on how to stop?
One person has to determine that they are not going to fight. A book I would highly recommend called “Love and Respect” calls this the crazy cycle.
It’s like a merry go round that keeps going and going and keep spinning and spinning. One person has to decide that every time an argument comes their way, that contention is present, that it stops with them.
You know what constitutes a fighting couple? Two proud people.
-I was counseling a couple. What I was dealing with was a train wreck. The husband had cheated on his spouse, even during the process of counseling them.
-And I’m
-I had told her several times she had grounds for divorce, which I believe they are in the process of finalizing now. But they had some major problems. One of their problems was pride.
-They would argue over petty things. They would tell a story, and if one detail was off, the other would interrupt and tell their version. And that spouse would get mad and we would be in a full-blown argument on whether the sky was blue or grey on that day.
-I remember early in the counseling I told them, “One of your issues are, you need to not argue over things that don’t matter” Swallow your humble pill and get past it.
They’d go at it again, and I felt like a referee. I’d interrupt them. I’d say, “you’re doing it again.” Just because both of them always had to be right.
Let me give you some advice that I’ve got since I’ve been here. One of the guys I work with told me this and I remind myself constantly of it at work in particular.
“I can be right or I can be happy.” Look, I could correct my wife on a detail she might be wrong about. Chances are, I’m wrong. But I could do that, and guess what happens. She’ll be upset, I’ll be upset, we’ll all be upset. And for what? So I could be right about whether something happened on Sunday or Monday?
How foolish, how petty. How many marriages are exactly like that.
The Lord will destroy the house of the proud:
But he will establish the border of the widow.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes:
But he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
Only by pride cometh contention:
But with the well advised is wisdom.
The Lord will destroy the house of the proud:
But he will establish the border of the widow.
All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes;
But the Lord weigheth the spirits.
Better is a little with righteousness
Than great revenues without right.
The Issue of Unspirituality
The Issue of Unspirituality
The fear of the Lord is to hate evil:
Pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way,
And the froward mouth, do I hate.
Much of this list is what we’ve covered tonight. If we would focus on making our relationship with God right, our other relationships would be strengthened as well.
I can tell you this, if my relationship with the Lord is right, often my relationship with my wife is right. As pastor has mentioned, if we both pursue God, we’ll grow closer together.
As men, we need to be the spiritual leaders in our home. We desperately need homes where husbands are fulfilling their God-given role. If we would learn to fear God as we should, we would not have issues with laziness, anger, infidelity, speech, and pride. May we strive to be godly husbands.
Conclusion
Conclusion
page 91 Jonathan Edwards
-Johnathon Edwards was a prolific preacher, scholar, philosopher, and scientist.
-He had a great love for Jesus, his wife Sarah, and their eleven children.
-They were considered a model family. In fact, studies have been done of the over 1400 descendants that followed Edwards and many of them have contributed to society in a positive way.
-What is not known about Edwards is the story of his grandmother.
-In a day when adultery and divorce were unheard of, she was found by her husband to be pregnant with another man’s child just shortly after their marriage.
-For the rest of her life, she lived a life of open sexual immorality.
-Elizabeth Edwards, his grandmother, was a woman of violence and rage who threatened to cut the throat of her husband while he slept. How would you like a grandmother like that?
-The threat to her husband was no idle threat. Elizabeth’s sister also displayed rage and violence to such a degree that she murdered her own child.
-Elizabeth also had a brother who, in rage, killed on of his sisters with an ax.
-Jonathan Edwards came from a family that had a rough background. They were the worst of the worst.
-Yet, Edwards, by God’s grace turned that around.
-He would spend 1 hour each day with at least one of his children.
-He would also discipline his children, understanding the reality of sin that was so prevalent in his family aforetime.
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He came from a rough background. He could have made excuses as to why his family could not be godly.
But Edwards followed the Bible, invested in his family, and was known as a man who changed his family DNA around.
Tonight, by the grace of God we can do the same. Regardless of background or upbringing.
Regardless of how long you’ve been struggling with these issues. Ask God to help you and grow you to be the man He’s called you to be.