Key Responses to Physical Abuse

Everything we discussed about sexual abuse applies to physical abuse.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse.

The physical part of sexual abuse shouldn’t be overlooked or dismissed.

There are several aspects of physical abuse which will cause a lot of us to mishandle the initial disclosure.

First, unless the abuser is sadistic by nature, abuse is episodic.

If the victim is abused two hours each week (extreme case), that is barely over 1% of a 168-hour work week.

Abuser would say it doesn’t happen much.

We need to understand the

nature of abuse

impact of physical abuse

Nature

Every occurence of physical abuse is dangerous.

One occurence should make us take action.

Physical abuse shouldn’t be considered an addiction for it to be considered dangerous.

Impact

One incident of abuse can cause complex and disorienting on the abused.

It doesn’t have to be a recurring event for this to happen to a person.

Jaylyne’s car wreck

Sometimes all it takes is one beating for a person to give up control, and they will comply to whatever the abuser demands.

Video - 2:43 (2 Speakers)

Question - How have you seen the intermittent nature of physical abuse lead family, friends, and ministry leaders to be unhelpful in the attempt to assist a victim?

Nine Indicators of a Victim’s Level of Danger

D - Divorce or separation

A - Alcohol and Drug use

N - Narcissistic tendencies or disordered personality of the abuser

G - Guns or weapons in the home

E - Entitled attitudes and behaviors

R - Rebellious/history of being unwilling to obey authority figures

O - Other violent behavior (past history of abuse, violence with pets, road rage)

U - Unstable mental health history

S - Suicidal or homicidal threats or history

Second factor in mishandling physical abuse cases is the way abusers self-protect.

Usually by threatening their victims (No one will believe you., You’re incapable of taking care of yourself.).

This will lead to the victim staying silent.

Tearful apologies are also a tactic.

This will lead to the victim being confused, trying to reconcile how someone could be sorry for such a horrendous act.

Both of these will lead the victim to stay silent.

Threats

When a victim responds to the question of “How long has this been going on?” it could lead the person to think things couldn’t be that bad since it took them this long to respond.

If it isn’t that long, it could also lead to the same conclusion.

When an abuser commits this act, they already have an advantage of being more powerful than the person they are attacking. This further solidifies that power.

Tears

Physical abuse usually will come from someone you love or have deep feelings for. This is what puts the person in harm’s way to begin with.

The victim believes the person loves them.

When an abuser goes from the rage that caused the abuse to the extreme of regret, the abused thinks repentance has occured.

This isn’t repentance, it’s regret or remorse.

When someone repents, this means they are going to make a change in their behavior.

My opinion on the words “I’m sorry,” in middle school.

Third factor in mishandling physical abuse cases in Christian circles is humility.

You’re going to wonder how this could be possible.

In this case we may try to identify the sin of others as no worse than my own.

We may think because we’ve flown off the handle that our sin is as “bad” as that of the abused.

We cannot think of rudeness (dishonor) and abuse (damaging or dangerous behavior) as if they have the same meaning.

Yes, Mathew 5 tells us these circumstances come from the same area and the come from the same heart as described in .

We can’t let the feeling we wished we would’ve handled a situation differently in the past keep us from protecting someone who is in real danger.

Video - 11:35 (two speakers)

Question - What are classic or key indicators rude or dishonoring behavior is becoming abusive or damaging behavior?

When we see rudeness has gone to abuse, we must go from assessment to action.

This is a hard area to be in when the victim still isn’t willing to change anything about the relationship.

Let’s talk about a place where the person is ready to change.

Even before the person pursues safety, you can help a great deal just by telling the person you believe them.

“Innocent until proven guilty” is a stance taken by the court system.

We are ministry leaders.

We need to take the stance of , “love believes all things,” until we get evidence which proves the accuser wrong.

We can connect the person with counseling resources.

We need to know our limits, and very few of us are trained in how to navigate the deep waters of physical abuse.

Counselors will also be able to assess the safety of the victim.

You can help them develop a safety plan. They may be hesitant to do this.

This will help them react better if they find themselves in danger.

If you don’t feel you are adequate to do this, you can call the abuse hotline, and they will guide the person through this.

Video - 19:54 (two speakers)

Question - What are the keys to developing a good safety plan?

Why are we, as ministry leaders, often hesitant to take these steps?

Common answer - We don’t want to feel responsible for divorce.

Was it really the safety plan that resulted in the divorce?

The answer to that is no. If a divorce happens in this situation, that is how much danger the person was in.

An example

A person has been put under church discipline and everything has been handled correctly. The person under the discipline calls the church legalistic making him go through this, and he “divorces” the church. He blames the pastor. Who is really at fault in the situation?

An abusive spouse will try and use the same kind of logic to blame the other person.

The truth is, if a marriage which has been abusive is to be restored, the abuser will come around to thank the partner for pursuing safety and bringing all this out into the open.

Anyone who abandons a marriage because their abuse has been brought out into the open needs their church to help them take a look at the condition of their soul.

Just as in any case of church discipline, if the person works through it with the church, and is truly repentant for what has happened, they may be angry at first, but they will be thankful for it once the process is complete.

Sadly, this isn’t often the case. Most will get mad and leave the church.