Act Don't React
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Remember
Remember
Strong Christians = Strong Marriages = Strong Families = Strong Churches
Strong Christians = Strong Marriages = Strong Families = Strong Churches
remember that communication is one of the VERY IMPORTANT roles of your Christian life, your marriage, your family, and your church family!
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During theese lessons, there are a few things we’ve tried to emphasize:
Jesus was a PERFECT Communicator !
if we’re going to bring glory to God, we have to be like Christ!
2) Wordsalone are not su!icient for e!ective biblical communication.
Words alone are not su!icient for e!ective biblical communication.
* “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”
We cannot show love with actions alone because God tells us hundreds of times in the Bible that He loves us.
3) We cannot show love with actions alone because God tells us hundreds of times in the Bible that He loves us.
- So, we should not only do things to communicate our love for others, we must also grow in telling others that we love them . . .
> . . . and use well chosen words to communicate & solve problems and/or prevent them.
Godly communication is a key to building relationships:
our relationship with Christ (even confessing sin, prayer, asking for wisdom), strong marriages/families, and strong churches
While some communicate better than others . . . we all must be growing in the area of communication – in both words and actions.
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Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
4. Let’s remember a working definition of Efective Communication:
“The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is understood as he intended it. Unless the sender and receiver have come to a common meaning, they haven’t communicated e!ectively.” Wayne Mack, Your Family God’s Way
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Eph 4
28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.
Remember the Rules
War of Words – Paul Tripp
Be Honest
you have a choice to obey it or disobey this command (both have consequences)
you have to put o! dishonesty and put on ‘speaking the truth’
> this is NOT telling everyone ALL your thoughts, ALL opinions, & ALL criticisms.
this is NOT telling everyone ALL your thoughts, ALL opinions, & ALL criticisms.
> The goal of speaking the truth is not you speaking your mind but SOLVING CONFLICTS in a way that brings glory to God or PREVENTING problems from occurring
The goal of speaking the truth is not you speaking your mind but SOLVING CONFLICTS in a way that brings glory to God or PREVENTING problems from occurring
and to speak the truth . . . . IN LOVE (that’s the hard part!)
Keep Current
Eph 4:25-32
another way to say this is: * Solve today’s problems today!
The Verse tells us to
Be angry, but don't sin.
Anger is emotional energy to be used to solve or prevent problems.
Anger is emotional energy to be used to solve or prevent problems.
Anger is sinful when used to attack others or self (bitterness setting in a/b the problem). B. Stop clamming up.
Anger is sinful when used to attack others or self
Don’t clam up (most people that do eventully blow up
Remeber the questions to ask yourself before trying to resolve a Problum
1) Do I have the facts right?
2) Should love hide it? [Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth?]
3) Is my timing right?
4) Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the other person?
5) Are my words loving?
6) Have I prayed for God's help?
7) Do I need to seek counsel from someone else before I try to resolve this problem?
Attck the Problum not The Person
Paul makes it very clear that we are to . . .
A. “Put Off!”
words that attack a person's character.
these are words that are the exact opposite of ‘edifying’ (building up)
B. Use "edifying" communication that encourages or builds up.
this is done in such a way that ‘it will give grace to those who hear it’
grace = God’s unmerited favor
C. What does it mean to attack the problem? - Short answer: To Discuss the problem in God-honoring way
1. Starts with your heart (inner man)
2. Includes your motive (What are you wanting to accomplish?) 3. Thinking right
4. Using biblical terminology
5. Modeling grace
5. Modeling grace
6. Remembering you will give an account at the Judgment Seat of Christ for the stewardship of your tongue
6. Remembering you will give an account at the Judgment Seat of Christ for the stewardship of your tongue
Act don’t react
Act Dont React
Q: What are some of the reasons WHY we tend to react instead of act?
- There are many answers to that but a couple of main answers would be:
Q: What are some of the reasons WHY we tend to react instead of act?
Your Family God’s Way – Wayne Mack
5. Remember, in , Paul writes about how to grow and change by replacing the ‘old self’ (thoughts & actions) with
the ‘new self’ (biblical thoughts and biblical actions)
6. Paul illustrated this in verses (v. 25-32) and in these examples of the ‘put o!’ and ‘put on’ – the Holy Spirit inspired
Paul to write 4 very e!ective “Rules of Communication”
> these are good for PREVENTING and SOLVING problems (in all areas of our lives)
[READ - skip v. 28 – though it is included in the context of v. 22-24 of put o!/put on]
- There are many answers to that but a couple of main answers would be:
> this is NOT telling everyone ALL your thoughts, ALL opinions, & ALL criticisms.
> The goal of speaking the truth is not you speaking your mind but SOLVING CONFLICTS in a way that brings glory to God or PREVENTING problems from occurring
Rule #2: KEEP CURRENT - v. 26 &27.
- a
A. Be angry, but don't sin.
Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
- Anger is emotional energy to be used to solve or prevent problems.
- Anger is sinful when used to attack others or self (bitterness setting in a/b the problem). B. Stop clamming up.
- remember: Most people who ‘clam up’ eventually ‘blow up.’
Caution: Failure to solve problems daily = gives place, or a foothold, to Satan!
C. Seven questions to ask yourself before bringing trying to resolve a problem.
1. Starts with your heart (inner man)
2. Includes your motive (What are you wanting to accomplish?) 3. Thinking right
4. Using biblical terminology
- Last week’s study took us to RULE #3:
Rule #3: ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON - v. 29 & 30
- Paul makes it very clear that we are to . . .
A. “Put O!” words that attack a person's character.
- these are words that are the exact opposite of ‘edifying’ (building up) “unwholesome” (Greek: sapros)= that which is corrupt or foul
- instead, we are to . . .
B. Use "edifying" communication that encourages or builds up. - this is done in such a way that ‘it will give grace to those who hear it’ grace = God’s unmerited favor
C. What does it mean to attack the problem?
- Short answer: To Discuss the problem in God-honoring way
1. Starts with your heart (inner man)
2. Includes your motive (What are you wanting to accomplish?) 3. Thinking right
4. Using biblical terminology
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Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
6. Remembering you will give an account at the Judgment Seat of Christ for the stewardship of your tongue
- Let’s move into the last 2 verses of chp. 4 – all BOLD is now on POWERPIONT
Rule #4: ACT, DON'T REACT - vs. 31 & 32
- let’s begin our time with a question:
Q: What are some of the reasons WHY we tend to react instead of act?
- There are many answers to that but a couple of main answers would be:
1) The efects of the curse of sin (on our mind’s ability to think and reason)
it’s easy to get defensive and react (especially if you don’t have all the facts)
This is a good reason to ask questions instead of making statements when you are in the middle of or about to enter into a conflict
sometimes asking questions can PREVENT conflicts from even occuring
probably all of us have had situations that we ‘wish I had that to do all over again’
- we wish that because we didn’t THINK right which lead to not ACTING right . . . and producedthe destructive RESULTS/CONSEQUENCES of the choice(s) we made!
we wish that because we didn’t THINK right which lead to not ACTING right . . . and producedthe destructive RESULTS/CONSEQUENCES of the choice(s) we made!
2) Because of #1, we tend to be impulsive (or walk in the flesh instead of walking the Spirit)
Paul dealt with this in – ‘walk in the Spirit
14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
if we’d focus more on that command instead of being defensive, we would prevent sin which would prevent conflicts . . . and broken relationships . . . and robbing God of His glory by giving the devil an ‘opportunity to destroy/prevent godly relationships!
- if we’d focus more on that command instead of being defensive, we would prevent sin which would prevent conflicts . . . and broken relationships . . . and robbing God of His glory by giving the devil an ‘opportunity’ (beach-front) to destroy/prevent godly relationships!
One aspect of the fruit of the Spirit is ‘self-control’ – which is the exact opposite of ‘REACTING’
when we react, we are NOT walking in the Spirit and therefore we are not demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit of ‘self-control’
When we do things OUR way instead of God’s way, it usually leads to strife, division, and destruction
Spirit of ‘self-control’
Point: When we do things OUR way instead of God’s way, it usually leads to strife, division, and destruction
Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
> of your marriage, family, friendship with another person, or the splitting of the church!
- and what causes #2 or leads to #2 is
3) Because we make decisions based on our feelings rather than the truth of God’s Word
you’ve heard us emphasized being ‘principle oriented’ instead of ‘feeling oriented’
since our feelings are cursed by sin, you can’t truth them
since our thinking is cursed by sin, you can’t trust them
The ONLY source of truth that you can absolutely trust is the truth of God’s Word!
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
A. Reactions (v. 31) - attitudes and actions that must be "put off!."
1. Bitterness - the refusal to treat someone as if they never hurt you.
bitterness is a subject that God warns us about
we should ‘put it off!’ because of its sinful nature, but also because of the impact bitterness can have on those around us (family, friends, church, etc.)
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
:15See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
Ponder: Where would you be if God treated YOU the way YOU treat others?
2. Wrath - flaring outbursts of anger.
this refers to explosive anger
Q: What does ‘wrath’ look like in a person? [describe what would be happening]
Answers: Yelling / throwing things / doors slammed / screaming threats
3. Anger - settled indignation or hostility that frequently seeks revenge; "slow burn." -
this is equally dangerous and sinful (if not used biblically)
this is the boiling inside that takes place – dwelling on how wrong the other person is
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sinful anger is the first section of the road to bitterness (and destructive of relationships)
Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
> think about God pouring out His wrath on the Lamb of God, Who takes away the sin of the world (including YOUR sin of sinful anger)
think about God pouring out His wrath on the Lamb of God, Who takes away the sin of the world (including YOUR sin of sinful anger)
- sinful anger is the first section of the road to bitterness (and destructive of relationships) Q: What is a person thinking who has ‘anger’ dwelling in his/her heart?
A: Things like – how dare you do that to me . . . you’re going to pay for that . . . etc.
NOTE: When you’re thinking like that way, it’s a good time to run to the CROSS!
> think about God pouring out His wrath on the Lamb of God, Who takes away the sin of the world (including YOUR sin of sinful anger)
4. Clamor - harsh contention and strife, public quarreling, brawling.
MacArthur wrote this about the word ‘calmor’:
“...the shout or outcry of strife and reflects the public outburst that reveals loss of control.
- this is exactly what Jesus was talking about when He said ‘the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart’ - and this is all a result of what Proverbs warns us about:
this is exactly what Jesus was talking about when He said ‘the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart’
10 Only by pride cometh contention: But with the well advised is wisdom.
:10Through insolence (KJV: pride)comes nothing but strife . . .
- make a note that when there is ‘strife’ – there is pride on part of somebody OR both!
14 The beginning of strife is like releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.
:14The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out. - Solomon warns us about PREVENTING these situations
we ought to do all we can to PREVENT the quarrel (i.e. harsh contention, strife, etc.) - Solomon even tells us how the subject of communication is connected to a FOOL:
:6A fool's lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows.
6 A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.
- as we’ve said before, this in no way minimizes speaking the truth to someone (especially when they are sinning – that’s part of ‘admonishing one another)
as we’ve said before, this in no way minimizes speaking the truth to someone (especially when they are sinning – that’s part of ‘admonishing one another)
The focus here is what Paul wrote in ;15 ‘speak the truth in love’
15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—
keep in mind: A lot of this has to do with one’s ATTITUDE and/or the WAY a person comes across when he/she speaks
- and keep in mind: A lot of this has to do with one’s ATTITUDE and/or the WAY a person comes across when he/she speaks
and one’s attitude can lead to outright . . .
5. Slander - speech that injures, abusive speech.
here again is the power of the tongue – cutting someone down
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Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
Input: What are some examples of this?
[various answers – you’re stupid, you’re the worst husband/wife anyone could have, etc.] - of course, the result of this leads to destruction of the relationship
- Proverbs, again, warns us of this issue:
:10Drive out the sco!er, and contention will go out, even strife and dishonor will cease. - all this leads to
10 Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.
B. Actions - attitudes and actions you must "put on" to replace the reactions.
Q: What usually results from a person who is ‘angry’ (slow-burn)?
A: Vengeance – the desire to get even, to do to other AS they have done to you!
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
READ – note Who is responsible for ‘vengeance’
> we don’t know what’s going on in the other person’s heart (but God does)
1. Kind - benevolent, helpful, courteous.
> we don’t have the power (ability) that God has (He’s OMNIPOTENT!!)
8 Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
* Lesson: The natural tendency (and thus sinful response) of our nature is to be defensive about dealing with our own sins.
- which is why we should listen carefully to Prov
D\- We are commanded to PUT OFF this kind of communication
- but just because you STOP something doesn’t mean you’ve changed
Q: In order to change, what do we need to do?
A: “PUT ON” the new man – put on v. 32
B. Actions (v. 32) - attitudes and actions you must "put on" to replace the reactions. 1. Kind - benevolent, helpful, courteous.
:8Do not reprove a sco!er, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you. Point: The way we respond to ‘reproof’ (rebuke) reveals the true character within us
- We are commanded to PUT OFF this kind of communication
- but just because you STOP something doesn’t mean you’ve changed
Q: In order to change, what do we need to do?
A: “PUT ON” the new man – put on v. 32
B. Actions (v. 32) - attitudes and actions you must "put on" to replace the reactions. 1. Kind - benevolent, helpful, courteous.
this is the way Jesus treated people
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35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
Four Rules of Communication: Act, Don't React | Faith Ministries Resources 7/6/19, 2)04 PM
- this is the way Jesus treated people
this where we can give glory to God (give the right opinion) in how we treat others > this is hard when we focus on how that person HURT ME
:35But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.
- this where we can give glory to God (give the right opinion) in how we treat others > this is hard when we focus on how that person HURT ME
but when we think about how much we HURT Jesus on cross as He died for our sin . . . it makes it easier to respond to others
> but when we think about how much we HURT Jesus on cross as He died for our sin . . . it makes it easier to respond to others
2. Tenderhearted -
this is going to the depth of the inner man (what’s really going on in the heart)
you can’t really fake this part – either it’s there or it’s NOT
Jesus, the Wonderful Counselor, modeled this for us in His life!
-if you don’t have the first two, it’s not likely you will be able to fulfill the 3rd command
3. Forgiving - to give up your right or claim to revenge, hold a grudge, or get even. -
the key phrase is ‘just as God in Christ has forgiven us’
Jesus made this issue very clear in
- 15For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
- this takes humility, and grace on our part, and God’s help - and this goes back to the beginning of chp 4 [context]
- this takes humility, and grace on our part, and God’s help
1 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
:1Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called.
this isn’t just something to think about and consider only if you want to
we have been CALLED (a divine summons) to act in this way
IMPORTANT: Your marriage, your family, your relationship with others, your church family will be impacted (positive or negative) in the way you communicate!
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Conclusion.
1. Conflicts are possible only if each person reacts.
It takes 2 to argue – if you don't react, the argument dies
One person may be wrong, but conflict or fight occurs because the other reacts. - When react, attack person, don't keep current, fail to be honest.
2. Changing habits is not easy but can be done with God’s help!
(quote)
Note: It is much easier than the "way of the transgressor” ()
13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
3. You can't change the other person, but you can change how you respond and/or how you initiate the communication!
No matter how irresponsible the other person is, you must act according to v. 32!
Q: Do you need to ask your spouse (or your kids) for forgiveness for NOT practicing any of these 4 Rules of Communication?
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Application
Imagine if we comunicated well how God could work among us.
