Untitled Sermon (3)

At one point in time, I was going to attempt to convince Emily that we should put a suitcase in our daughters room, based off of a recommendation from a very wise man that I know, because he said that “from the time your child is born it is like you are packing their bags, because one day they are just going to look at you and pack their bags and move away, and you just have to realize how important the time that you have with them is.” I figured Emily wouldn’t like that idea very much, so I decided to keep my mouth shut.

But, it is important for us to occasionally have this conversation, and talk together about what it means as parents and as a church community to raise a child in the faith and to figuratively pack their bags with all of the tools that they are going to need to make it through this crazy thing called life in light of the love of God. In doing so, I think that we have to start with acknowledging two universal truths:

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But, it is important for us to occasionally have this conversation, and talk together about what it means as parents and as a church community to raise a child in the faith and to figuratively pack their bags with all of the tools that they are going to need to make it through this crazy thing called life in light of the love of God. In doing so, I think that we have to start with acknowledging two universal truths:

1. No one has the potential to influence kids like their parents.

But, it is important for us to occasionally have this conversation, and talk together about what it means as parents and as a church community to raise a child in the faith and to figuratively pack their bags with all of the tools that they are going to need to make it through this crazy thing called life in light of the love of God. In doing so, I think that we have to start with acknowledging two universal truths:

1. No one has the potential to influence kids like their parents.

If you are a mom or dad or grandparent, there is something innately in you that makes you their parent

1. No one has the potential to influence kids like their parents.

The second is equally true . . .

If you are a mom or dad or grandparent, there is something innately in you that makes you their parent

The second is equally true . . .

2. A parent is not the only influence that a child needs.

The second is equally true . . .

2. A parent is not the only influence that a child needs.

That’s why we believe in the power of this community of faith. You can’t parent alone, it has long been said that it ‘takes a village to raise a child.’ There’s a partnership that takes place between a parent and a community.

2. A parent is not the only influence that a child needs.

That’s why we believe in the power of this community of faith. You can’t parent alone, it has long been said that it ‘takes a village to raise a child.’ There’s a partnership that takes place between a parent and a community.

To help make sense of this, I want to show you something called a Chart of Influence.

That’s why we believe in the power of this community of faith. You can’t parent alone, it has long been said that it ‘takes a village to raise a child.’ There’s a partnership that takes place between a parent and a community.

To help make sense of this, I want to show you something called a Chart of Influence.

There are two types of influence that exist: Positional Influence & Relational Influence

To help make sense of this, I want to show you something called a Chart of Influence.

There are two types of influence that exist: Positional Influence & Relational Influence

Parents start out with low relational influence and high positional influence, which is just another way of saying that children need their parents. You have influence because a mini-human who poops ten times a day needs you.

There are two types of influence that exist: Positional Influence & Relational Influence

Parents start out with low relational influence and high positional influence, which is just another way of saying that children need their parents. You have influence because a mini-human who poops ten times a day needs you.

I was reading a book just before my daughter Addie was born that said that human beings are the only creatures that are born three whole months before they are sufficient enough to survive in the wild. For example, when a fawn is born, they come out running. They are ready to take on the world, but the human infant requires help with everything. And that is what I mean by positional influence.

Parents start out with low relational influence and high positional influence, which is just another way of saying that children need their parents. You have influence because a mini-human who poops ten times a day needs you.

This means that the unfortunate part about positional influence is the fact that it diminishes all the time. The sad truth is that our children are not always going to need us.

I was reading a book just before my daughter Addie was born that said that human beings are the only creatures that are born three whole months before they are sufficient enough to survive in the wild. For example, when a fawn is born, they come out running. They are ready to take on the world, but the human infant requires help with everything. And that is what I mean by positional influence.

This means that the unfortunate part about positional influence is the fact that it diminishes all the time. The sad truth is that our children are not always going to need us.

Fortunately, there is another way that we can have influence upon their lives. It’s called relational influence. Relational influence comes as a result of the presence of trust, respect, and love that exists within a relationship. And relational influence, if well established, continues to grow over time.

The beautiful thing about the Parent-Church partnership is that members of your church family only know relational influence. Everyone else in the church isn’t responsible to meet the needs of your child, you are, and so the only way that they can build influence in a child’s life is by being present and loving in order to build respect and trust. This means that the church has a very important hand to play in helping parents make the transition from positional influence to relational influence.

Fortunately, there is another way that we can have influence upon their lives. It’s called relational influence. Relational influence comes as a result of the presence of trust, respect, and love that exists within a relationship. And relational influence, if well established, continues to grow over time.

The beautiful thing about the Parent-Church partnership is that members of your church family only know relational influence. Everyone else in the church isn’t responsible to meet the needs of your child, you are, and so the only way that they can build influence in a child’s life is by being present and loving in order to build respect and trust. This means that the church has a very important hand to play in helping parents make the transition from positional influence to relational influence.

So, to bring all of this together, every parent has one primary goal, and that is to rely less on their positional influence, and increase their relational influence until a can live independently.

The beautiful thing about the Parent-Church partnership is that members of your church family only know relational influence. Everyone else in the church isn’t responsible to meet the needs of your child, you are, and so the only way that they can build influence in a child’s life is by being present and loving in order to build respect and trust. This means that the church has a very important hand to play in helping parents make the transition from positional influence to relational influence.

So, to bring all of this together, every parent has one primary goal, and that is to rely less on their positional influence, and increase their relational influence until a can live independently.

I’m already beginning to experience the diminishing of the positional influence that I have as a parent, and I can already tell that it takes a lot of practice knowing when to hold on and when to let go. Even more unfortunate is the fact that as parents are learning how to do this, the amount of hours a parent has to invest in their kids relationally reduces drastically with every passing stage:

So, to bring all of this together, every parent has one primary goal, and that is to rely less on their positional influence, and increase their relational influence until a can live independently.

Parents will spend, on average, 12 hours a day with their preschooler. This time is spent mostly getting them ready in the morning, driving them to school, giving them a bath, and cuddle sessions.

I’m already beginning to experience the diminishing of the positional influence that I have as a parent, and I can already tell that it takes a lot of practice knowing when to hold on and when to let go. Even more unfortunate is the fact that as parents are learning how to do this, the amount of hours a parent has to invest in their kids relationally reduces drastically with every passing stage:

Parents will spend, on average, 12 hours a day with their preschooler. This time is spent mostly getting them ready in the morning, driving them to school, giving them a bath, and cuddle sessions.

By the time that they reach elementary school, that time is cut in half. Parents will spend about 6 hours a day with their elementary student, and those cuddle sessions turn into succinct night time routines.

Parents will spend, on average, 12 hours a day with their preschooler. This time is spent mostly getting them ready in the morning, driving them to school, giving them a bath, and cuddle sessions.

By the time that they reach elementary school, that time is cut in half. Parents will spend about 6 hours a day with their elementary student, and those cuddle sessions turn into succinct night time routines.

Once a child is in middle school, a parent will spend roughly 4 hours with their child, and by the time that they’ve reached high school a parent will be lucky to have even 2 hours with their child.

By the time that they reach elementary school, that time is cut in half. Parents will spend about 6 hours a day with their elementary student, and those cuddle sessions turn into succinct night time routines.

Once a child is in middle school, a parent will spend roughly 4 hours with their child, and by the time that they’ve reached high school a parent will be lucky to have even 2 hours with their child.

This means that the window of opportunity closes fast.

Once a child is in middle school, a parent will spend roughly 4 hours with their child, and by the time that they’ve reached high school a parent will be lucky to have even 2 hours with their child.

This means that the window of opportunity closes fast.

(Positional Influence Chart Segment? pp. 64-65, It’s Just A Phase)

This means that the window of opportunity closes fast.

(Positional Influence Chart Segment? pp. 64-65, It’s Just A Phase)

In order to help parents understand this, I like to use this jar of marbles. If you have been a parent here for a couple of years, you might have seen me use this jar of marbles once with you before.

(Positional Influence Chart Segment? pp. 64-65, It’s Just A Phase)

In order to help parents understand this, I like to use this jar of marbles. If you have been a parent here for a couple of years, you might have seen me use this jar of marbles once with you before.

Each marble in this jar represents one week, which means that this entire jar is comprised of the number of weeks from the time that your child is born until they graduate high school. In case you are wondering, there are 936 marbles in this jar. That’s 936 short weeks that we have to pack their bags with all the tools that they need to survive in this world in light of the love of God.

In order to help parents understand this, I like to use this jar of marbles. If you have been a parent here for a couple of years, you might have seen me use this jar of marbles once with you before.

Each marble in this jar represents one week, which means that this entire jar is comprised of the number of weeks from the time that your child is born until they graduate high school. In case you are wondering, there are 936 marbles in this jar. That’s 936 short weeks that we have to pack their bags with all the tools that they need to survive in this world in light of the love of God.

I like to encourage parents to keep something like this in their home and to take out one marble every week, because it serves as a giant countdown clock. It helps you put a number to the weeks that you have so that you can remain physically present in the life of your kids and so it adds a different kind of value to your time, right?

Each marble in this jar represents one week, which means that this entire jar is comprised of the number of weeks from the time that your child is born until they graduate high school. In case you are wondering, there are 936 marbles in this jar. That’s 936 short weeks that we have to pack their bags with all the tools that they need to survive in this world in light of the love of God.

I like to encourage parents to keep something like this in their home and to take out one marble every week, because it serves as a giant countdown clock. It helps you put a number to the weeks that you have so that you can remain physically present in the life of your kids and so it adds a different kind of value to your time, right?

This isn’t a new concept, actually Moses said something like this in , he said this:

I like to encourage parents to keep something like this in their home and to take out one marble every week, because it serves as a giant countdown clock. It helps you put a number to the weeks that you have so that you can remain physically present in the life of your kids and so it adds a different kind of value to your time, right?

This isn’t a new concept, actually Moses said something like this in , he said this:

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” –

This isn’t a new concept, actually Moses said something like this in , he said this:

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” –

So, what happens when you begin to number your days, or in this case, number your weeks? As the jar begins to get lower and lower you start to realize how important time really is, and if you’re not careful it can really slip away from you. How many of you here have a 9th grader in your life? You know a 9th grader or your child is a 9th grader? Here’s what your jar looks like right now.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” –

You can help them get the most out of high school when you understand that you have about 200 weeks to continue to invest in the lives of these kids. Those that have been there before know how quickly this can slip away too.

So, what happens when you begin to number your days, or in this case, number your weeks? As the jar begins to get lower and lower you start to realize how important time really is, and if you’re not careful it can really slip away from you. How many of you here have a 9th grader in your life? You know a 9th grader or your child is a 9th grader? Here’s what your jar looks like right now.

· They start high school, and find their locker.

You can help them get the most out of high school when you understand that you have about 200 weeks to continue to invest in the lives of these kids. Those that have been there before know how quickly this can slip away too.

· They start high school, and find their locker.

· Try to figure out their combination.

· They start high school, and find their locker.

· They’re going to meet some kids and try to figure out who their tribe is going to be,

· Try to figure out their combination.

· They’re going to meet some kids and try to figure out who their tribe is going to be,

· and at about 20 weeks in their going to take their first midterm exam. It’s going to count about 30-40% of their grade average for their semester and their going to quickly figure out whether they should drop Stanford off of that big long list of colleges they might want to attend.

· About 50 weeks in they’re going to go to the DMV and get their driver’s license, and then you’ll see what your faith is really like as a parent.

· and at about 20 weeks in their going to take their first midterm exam. It’s going to count about 30-40% of their grade average for their semester and their going to quickly figure out whether they should drop Stanford off of that big long list of colleges they might want to attend.

· About 75 weeks in, most of the teens are going to be getting their first job and getting their first paycheck, which just to be clear isn’t going to save you a dime. If I’m being honest, it might even cost you more money.

· About 50 weeks in they’re going to go to the DMV and get their driver’s license, and then you’ll see what your faith is really like as a parent.

· About 75 weeks in, most of the teens are going to be getting their first job and getting their first paycheck, which just to be clear isn’t going to save you a dime. If I’m being honest, it might even cost you more money.

· At about 100 weeks, their Junior year kicks in and things start moving at warp speed. They’ll begin growing facial hair in some cases, they’ll start dating someone and be in their car alone, and then you’ll learn what your prayer life is really like.

· About 75 weeks in, most of the teens are going to be getting their first job and getting their first paycheck, which just to be clear isn’t going to save you a dime. If I’m being honest, it might even cost you more money.

· At about 100 weeks, their Junior year kicks in and things start moving at warp speed. They’ll begin growing facial hair in some cases, they’ll start dating someone and be in their car alone, and then you’ll learn what your prayer life is really like.

· Then at about 130 weeks, most of them will be taking the SAT.

· And before you realize it, they’ve got their cap and gown and they’re walking down the aisle. And you’ve officially lost all of your marbles.

Now, I’m not telling you all of this to depress you, but I have found that . . .

· And before you realize it, they’ve got their cap and gown and they’re walking down the aisle. And you’ve officially lost all of your marbles.

Now, I’m not telling you all of this to depress you, but I have found that . . .

When you see how much time you have left you tend to get serious about the time you have now.

Not only that, but you tend to value how much takes place over time. With such a visible illustration as this you begin to realize that every week matters. But it also reminds us of another very important lesson, and that’s that you can’t do it all in a week.

Time has a forward momentum to it, doesn’t it? You can’t do everything in one week, but when you add this week to this week, and then this week to this week, something happens. Time becomes an ally, it becomes the platform upon which you have an opportunity to really make a difference.

Let’s just face the facts here:

There is no single event, there is no one individual, there is no one lesson that’s going to change the future of a kid. But it is the collection of events, individuals, and lessons over time that make a difference.

And since this is Family Ministry Sunday, I wanted to share with you what some of things that kids needs over time in order to pack those bags with all the tools that they need to live in light of the love of God. So, here we go, here’s the first thing that children need over time, and before I show it to you, I want you to know that you’re going to be like ‘Duh! I knew that!’ But just to make me feel better, and so I know that you’re still with me, I want you to make some noise that makes it seem just like it was super profound. Can you do that for me?

Alright, here goes, the first thing that children need over time is . . . Love.

See, you’re like, ‘I knew that!’

But here’s the thing, if I asked you how you knew that God loved you, do you know what you would say? Here’s what you would say, because you, at some point, have had some sort of mess in your life, there had been some mistakes, some choices, and regardless of whatever happened, God kept showing up. And you’re here today, because you are a testimony that God love you, and I’m here today as a testimony that God has loved me throughout some of the darkest times in my life. You want to know how else we can know that God loves us? Because we go and flip through the pages of Scripture which show us how throughout history, God has leveraged time to show us over and over and over and over that He was pursuing us and wanted to have an intimate relationship with us.

But here’s the point, have you ever stopped to wonder why God didn’t solve the Sin problem in the first 24 hours? God can do anything, He could have solved the sin problem right after Adam and Eve sinned. But He didn’t because He chose to leverage an entire story and history to keep showing a generation over and over and over again, so that at just the right moment He could send Jesus to be the personification of Himself on this planet and show us just who He was so that the way that we understood the depth of His love could be a powerful, powerful demonstration.

He leveraged time so just we could know to love just the way that He did. Do you know how you love a kid or teenager? You love them over time. Do you know what love over time does? Do you know what it allows you to pack away in your bag? Worth. You have so much worth and value that God pursued you over time, leveraging time as His platform to prove to you that He loves you. You can show them that very same love, by showing up and being present in their life, over and over and over again.

That’s why I encourage our volunteers to keep showing up every week, it’s why I encourage parents to show up every day. Some of you say, I’m a parent, I don’t have a choice but to show up every day, I know, but when you show up and are physically present and you are present in the moment, and you are present emotionally it sends a message! The same message that Jesus sent when He walked with us, talked with us, ate with us, and empathized with us. Because more than anything else your presence shows worth in an individual.

Alright, I think you get the point. Here’s the second thing that a child needs over time: Words.

Did you know that studies suggest that for every one word of affirmation that children hear, they hear seven words of criticism?

One of the most powerful lessons that I have learned from my wife as a school teacher is that you can never over-affirm a child.

Our words are powerful.

Every study ever done on vocabulary has shown us that helping build the vocabulary of a child is one of the most important things that we could ever do. That is because by giving them the right vocabulary we are giving them the relational words needed to resolve conflicts. We’re giving them the words to navigate through issues. I don’t know if you have watched the news lately, but we could use some people who know how to do that. No, but really, we’re giving them the ability to problem-solve, and because of that we’re giving them the ability to explain how they see faith and how they see God.

Because words are so powerful, words over time have the ability to give someone direction.

You give a kid a sense of direction when you use words with them and have conversations with them.

That’s why I think that one of the best gifts the church can give a parent is giving their children a safe place to talk about faith. That’s what we do for children in our Sunday School hour, that’s what we do in our small groups for youth. We create a place where they can be themselves and have real conversations that affect the spiritual direction of their lives.

Next, all children need stories.

There have been studies done about how our brains gather data from facts and statistics compared to how our brains gather data from stories, and the one thing that jumps out to me from those studies is the fact that stories actually teach us empathy.

J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, said that:

“We are the only species that can imagine ourselves in someone else’s shoes.”

Educator’s tell us that if you take a preschooler going into elementary school that has been read to throughout their entire life compared to a preschooler who has never been read to, the largest difference is that the one who had stories read to them from childhood are more empathetic.

Why is that? Well, it’s because they’re stretching their imaginations to be able to walk in so many other peoples’ shoes that empathy comes easier for them.

Man, wouldn’t the world be different if we had adults that understood this principle of empathy? If one group of people could understand what it meant to be like another group of people and we could tear some of the walls down? But that comes from us understanding someone else’s story and someone else’s world.

And I think that this is very important when we talk about faith, because we have to take stock of how we talk about the stories in Scripture. Because the way in which the church has taught these stories for so long has led to some adults leaving the faith saying, “those are all a bunch of fairytales meant for little kids.” No, no, no, no, no. The stories in the Bible are real life stories that are about real life stuff that’s hard and difficult.

For example, if I were to say to you, who is your ideal family in the Bible? Like, if you could pick any Biblical family, who would you be?

Adam and Eve? All the world’s dysfunction started there. They even had one son murder the other son.

What about Noah? Sure, he rescued his family, but he also passed out drunk and naked in front of all of his children.

How about Jacob and Esau? Conniving mom, naïve dad, sibling rivalry that lasted a lifetime.

What about Joseph and his loving brothers? I’m not even gonna bring that one up, you’ll get some of that start next week, but golee, was that a family reunion!

Oh, oh, oh! Mary and Joseph, what about them? There such a sweet family, and they had baby Jesus. But maybe we forgot about the part where they lost Jesus in the temple for three days and forgot that they had even left him. I’m just saying, if Child Services was around, they would have taken Jesus.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I read about families in the Bible, I feel better about my own.

But here’s what I don’t want you to miss, all of those stories in the Bible are amazing stories of how God doesn’t use perfect people or perfect pictures. He uses broken people to demonstrate who He is.

You know what my prayer is for this church? It’s for kids and teenagers to grow up in this church and know that when their pictures don’t work out, when they can’t measure up, that they don’t have to give up because God hasn’t given up on them.

This means that when our lives turn a corner we don’t have believe that this is a story about us being a perfect family, or being a perfect person, or a perfect parent, but I am giving my child a front-row view into the grace of God. No, this is a story about God’s work of redemption and restoration in my life, and when kids see that, they grow up to believe that God is so much bigger than whatever life throws at them. With all of this to say, stories matter because stories over time bring about perspective.

Then we have the blessing of work over time.

I know that I can’t be the only person who believes this, but I believe that what you do will affect what you believe.

And friends, a lot of kids have grown up in the church and eventually leave, not because we didn’t tell them what to believe, but because they never experienced it. They never got to be a part of an opportunity to see what God could do through them. When you tell a teenager that ‘you are significant, and God has a plan for your life,’ but then never give them anything significant to do, they will not feel significant.

One of the best things that you can do for a kid is to engage them in things that they can accomplish, and help them understand how God designed them so they could make a difference in the world. Because if we don’t do that, we sabotage their faith. It becomes a spectator sport, they’ll never be in the game.

So, here is what work over time does, work or service over time gives someone significance.

Alright, I have two more, and I know that this next one isn’t going to sound too spiritual, and you’re going to look at me and say why would you put that on the list, but really it is one of the most spiritual things that we can do for these kids. Now, some of you are going to be really good at this, and some of you are going to be not so good at it, but we need to let the ones who are good at this teach us because it is so, so important.

Here we go, the next thing that every child needs over time is fun.

I’m serious, fun over time equals connection. There’s a reason the Bible says that, “a merry heart does good like medicine.” There’s a reason that the Bible says that “the joy of the LORD is our strength.” Based on that alone, how strong is your home? Based on that alone, how strong is our church?

Did you ever consider that you can measure the strength of a home based on laughter?

Sometimes, I feel like we’re wired to fix our kids and we’re not wired to enjoy our kids.

Here’s something else about fun, did you know that fun can help reconnect what’s been disconnected, any therapist will tell you this. When someone has been hurt and there have been walls built up, one of the best things that can reconnect someone is through what therapist call play therapy. Because of that, fun helps to authenticate forgiveness. Can you have fun around someone you haven’t forgiven?

The two characteristics that any home or any church needs if it wants people to flock to them are joy and forgiveness, and that’s what happens when you have fun together. So, fun over time equals connection.

And the last thing that kids need are tribes over time, because we all want to belong and feel accepted.

Can I tell you three things that are true about teenagers?

1. They care more about what their friends think than they do about what you think.

2. They care more about what other adults think than they do about what you think.

3. They care more about what you think than anything else.

You’re thinking, wait, he just contradicted himself. I know, they’re teenagers. And all three of those things are true at the same time.

We have to put more people into our children’s life because they need the approval of other people and other adults beside just you. Let’s take a look at that Chart of Influence from earlier again.

As kids get older, those who only have a relational influence begin to have more pull in their lives, and that is hard because a parent you can feel the loyalty shifting from us to other adults, but we shouldn’t be afraid of that! No, this is a beautiful principle! You shouldn’t resist this, it’s a natural part of growth and independence, in fact, I would encourage you to lean into it. You can even manipulate it if you want to. Put adults in their life that would naturally say the same things that you would say.

No, but in reality, this sets them up for success later in life because tribes over time equal belonging. And every kid needs the change to belong.

In order to close this out, I have to tell you that this is a sermon that has been three years in the making, I’m glad that Rodney gave me an opportunity to speak about this in front of all of you, because I have this hunger and this passion deep in my core because I honestly believe that there is not a single parent in this world that wants to be a bad parent. No parent walks out of the delivery room saying, “I can’t wait to screw up this kids life.”

I know there are exceptions to the rule, but what I do know is that you love your kids, you want to speak the right words to your kids, you want to give them stories and help them gain perspective, you want to have fun and enjoy them, you want to connect your kids to the right adults. These are things that are in you to do.

What I want to say to everyone here, whether you are a parent or not, is that when you do these things consistently over time, you give children and youth an incredible gift. And church, we have to start today, we have to start right now, because time is slipping away.

Because this is what it is like when they are born, and isn’t it funny that when a child is born we measure their age in weeks.

· My child is one week old, it’s gone.

· Two weeks it’s gone.

· Three weeks gone.

· Four weeks gone.

· Then we start measuring by months. Two months gone.

· Three months gone.

· This is making some of you nervous, thinking I’m not cleaning that up, but this is just how life is.

· You can’t put ‘em back in. You can’t rewind it.

· Don’t miss this. You’re only a two year old once. Then they’re a three year old and you’ll never know them as a two year old ever again.

· You can only know a five year old once as a five year old and then they’re gone. They’ll never be a five year old again.

· Seven year old.

· Eleven year old.

· It just goes so fast! And before you know it, all your marbles are gone completely.

Before you know, it’s done.

Don’t miss it.

As adults, as leaders, as singles, don’t miss it either. You have an opportunity to partner with these parents. Help these parents. Help them know that they don’t have to do it alone.

When their kids are ready to pack their bags, use all of this time that we have known to give those kids worth, and perspective, and direction, and significance, and direction, and connection, and belonging.

Let’s pray.