Pastoral Care and Correction for an Abuser

Being the church, we don’t have the luxury of just dealing with one individual.

We are called to take care of all of our members, including those who may have an abusive past.

Abuse is private.

When you talk to someone about abusive acts, they will feel this is an invasion of privacy.

This is what causes most of the resistance we will encounter.

Abusers are used to being in control.

Their demeanor will change when they feel their sense of control fall away.

Until an abuser admits to their actions, there is very little value in trying to spend time in asking them why they did what they did.

Though abusers may not “intend” to harm, this does not make their actions less destructive or less dangerous.

Video - 2:18 - (two speakers)

Question: What are common ways oppressors manipulate the process?

Any care that would be beneficial to abusers has to begin with them acknowledging the nature, extent, and impact of their abusive nature.

An abuser who resists acknowledging their abusive behavior

isn’t repentant

isn’t safe to return back to the home.

There are two approaches to getting them to get them to acknowledge the abusive behavior.

Focus on the clearest examples of abuse.

Abusers must recognize their worst example of abuse before they will see smaller acts of abuse.

The goal is to get the abuser to realize that when they feel their worst reaction is a “5”, to most people, that type of reaction would be off the scale.

A second approach is called rolling with resistance.

The procedure behind this is to up the ante each time you encounter resistance from the abuser.

The abuser will be going through a very emotionally stressful time, but they aren’t the victims of their actions.

If past abuse, addiction, or mental health concerns are part of what is causing the person to be abusive, needed care should be part of the church discipline process.

We would also need to have a release of information document signed so that leadership can see the progress of the individual.

Video - 12:57 (Two speakers)

Question - What are key strategies for cultivating self-awareness and acknowledgement of an oppressor’s abusive behavior?

How can we tell if an abuser is changing in meaningful ways?

What are key qualities that should serve as markers to show us change is happening?

Here are four:

Humility

Humble people ask good questions and listen.

When we don’t listen, we are stuck interpreting life in our own way.

Bad listeners are most generally self-centered.

Blame shifting stops when you are humbled.

Patience

They won’t rush or demand gracious responses.

Until they put the healing of the victim first, they aren’t being patient.

Accountability

Most abuse will happen in the privacy of ones home.

Privacy kills change and fuels sin. Transparency kills sin and fuels change.

Abusive people who are wanting to change will be honest with three types of people

a pastor or elder

a counselor experienced in abuse

members of the church discipline restoration team

Robust Repentance

The abuser most not look at repentance as groveling.

If an abuser looks at their repentance as anything other than what it is, it should throw a red flag to us about the person’s sincerity.

Video - 21:32 (three speakers)

Question: What are other key markers of change for abusive individuals?

There are two more questions which need to be asked:

What if the abusive individual is married and does not repent?

First, if the abusive spouse doesn’t repent, they should be removed from church membership. The abused should be supported in whatever decision they need to make for their safety.

First, if the abusive spouse doesn’t repent, they should be removed from church membership. The abused should be supported in whatever decision they need to make for their safety.

We need to also look at the steps that the abused may have to take as taking power away from the abuser and restoring safety for themselves as well as any children who may be involved.

“It would be hypocritical for an abusive spouse to condemn their spouse for separation while not addressing their abusive behaviors. As a church, we do not view prolonged separation or divorce as worse than refusing to change abusive behavior. Unfortunately, those were the only options the abusive spouse left to their family. In abusive situations, we do not tell the victim what they ought to do. We believe that is a matter of conscience and wisdom. We do support the victims of abuse in the choices they need to make for their own safety and the safety of the children.

If church discipline has been handled well, the church can make this sort of statement to members of the church who are concerned about the church’s stance on marriage.

What if the abusive individual is married and their spouse is slow or unwilling to trust their spouse’s repentance?

If the abused spouse is slow to forgive and move forward for an abusive spouse who has truly repented, patience should be recommended.

As long as children are safe, this process shouldn’t be pushed. The abused is the one who establishes this timeline.

The assessment of child safety should be made by a child therapist.

We should be concerned about the weakest involved in this situation as well, the children.

“In these questions, we face one of the realities of abuse: abuse reduces the number of ideal options and multiplies the number of choices we wish we didn’t have to make. Here, again, we enter the world of the oppressed. When abuse is present, no one likes the options before them, but we can be a refuge for the oppressed and, however uncomfortable that may be, it is good and godly to be such.”