Marriage Matters - Manage Conflict

Introduction

Good Morning. It’s great to see you all again. We are in our 3rd week of our series Marriage Matters. This week we will be talking about conflict in marriage. I titled this weeks sermon “manage conflict” instead of “how to”. How to’s usually have some finite aspect, meaning you start and you get to an end. Managing means exactly that. Conflict can arise, meaning there is a potential conflict could come up in the future.

I remember watching a video of a family dealing with the issue of conflict. The family was made up of both parents, man and women, and two children. In the video you see the family talking with their counselor to get their passion on the table. Their counselor brings out foam pool noodles and nerf foam bats. He tells each person to softly wack the person next to you when you can remember a time they hurt you. The family goes at it softly, each remembering a time when they where hurt. Then you see the little boy in the corner of the screen. He’s holding one of the foam bats. And, you see him discover, that you can remove soft foam exterior exposing a rigid core rod. He drops the foam exterior, and says, “look dad it works better like this” just as you see him wack his dad right on the shin. Oh, you could tell it hurt. You could the ring as the rod hit the dad’s shin. As the father is now nursing his shin, you see the boy give is father another hit on the opposite leg. So you see this poor guy now limping trying to defend off a potential third hit.

This a classic gone bad session to the Nth degree. I can promise you, if you ever come to the office, you will not find foam bats or pool noodles. This video showed two things. One there is a need to address conflict, and two this was an example of fighting unfairly. The little boy found a way that help him deal with his issue, but also a way to cause more hunt. Does this happen sometimes when we are dealing with a conflict in our marriage when the conflict starts to spiral out of control, where our words become stronger, and we start finding negative things about the other person to bring into the conflict?

When we get married and start unpacking from the honeymoon, sometimes it doesn't take long to see the imperfections in the other person or in ourselves. To complicate the matter, we now have the challenges of life that come in that begin to test and reveal what we are really made of. We have work demands, the kids are being crazy, the car needs repair, in-laws are putting stress on you, the boss at work is making you crazy, supper was late, burned or something you did not want to eat. We have everything to set the perfect stage for conflict. This is when the most heartbreaking damage can be done is right when we are in the middle of the fog of conflict. This is when our emotions run the strongest. We are running on the red-line of hot. This can be a time when we the most judgement, and our words can drip with venom. It’s also a time when we can make the worst decisions.

But there’s another way. Its the way of love. Love reminds us that our marriages are too important to allow our marriages to self-destruct. Love serves as a reminder that our marriages are worth fighting for, no matter how hot we might become or what the world might tell us.

This morning Paul has some uplifting and inspiring words for us. I invite you to turn with me into your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3. We’ll be reading from verse 12 through 14.

Colossians 3:12–14 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Pastoral Prayer

We begin with a reminder Paul gives in a few verses earlier where he talks about the believers new identity in Christ. Verse 12 starts us off in a response to that new identity. The words “put on” describes an action of qualities that are to cover a new person. This is similar to putting on clothes. Most of us don’t go around in public wearing only our birthday suits. Generally, we cover our person with some type of clothing. For some, the clothing we put on our person, has much to say about the person. It’s similar to what Paul is mentioned here in our passage. Because of our new nature, Paul is describing some of the traits to put on because of our new identity in Jesus.

Paul mentions to put on compassionate hearts. This the 1st character trait that is to be seen in the new person. The word compassionate means to have mercy, sympathy or concern for others. “Taken together, the phrase could be translated, put on heartfelt compassion, or have a deep feeling of compassion.” This deep feeling of compassion is something you have that exists at your very core. This means to have a heart for one another. A heart that reaches out in times of suffering and needs.

Kindness is closely related to compassion. Kindness means to have a gracious sensitivity toward other that promotes genuine care, something beneficial to the person. One of story I like that talks about compassion and kindness is found in Luke chapter 10. Jesus talks about a man who was beaten, robbed and left half dead. Two people had passed the man up. It was not until the third person stopped. This person, a Samaritan, patch's up this guy. The act of kindness is when the Samaritan dismounts from his animal, puts the hurt guy on the animal and travels to an inn. On top of that, the Samaritan drops more cash the next for his stay. The Samaritan extends the offer of spare no expense saying “I will repay you when I come back.”

During this Greco-Roman period, humility was not considered a desirable trait. It took Christianity to elevate this to a trait or virtue. It means to consider others more important than ourselves. Its to say we put others ahead and above our need. Jesus is the ultimate example of humility when (he):

Philippians 2:8 ESV

8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

As the Bible says in Philippians 2:8. When you’ve come home from a tough day at work, or you’ve been at home with a tough day. Do you find yourself talking ahead and over your spouse because you feel like your days issues were worse? Or do you find yourself putting your spouse ahead letting them talk through their challenges. If you’re asked in return, how was your day honey, don’t say good or fine. Allow your spouse to share in your day.

Another word associated with Jesus is meekness. Meekness does not mean weakness or having what popular culture would refer to as having no backbone. Another word for meekness is gentleness. Some of your translations will use gentleness. Gentleness means to be tender or mild-mannered. It’s the opposite of harshness. It means to have and use soft words when the heat is on. When the heat is on do you find your words becoming harsh because of the red-line? The Bible says, “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a hard word stirs up anger.” This is when you feel like your toes were just stepped on. And when this happens, some of us go into defense mode.

When we are faced with being provoked, this can be the hardest, but Paul promotes patience. Patience means to be in a mindset of calmness when we are being provoked. When the boundaries of patience is broken, it sometimes because we feel the need to advance our point. We sometimes feel the need to come out on top of the conversation. Being patient with one another means bearing and forgiving one another.

Bearing and forgiving the other person might be as hard or harder than having patience for the other person. Especially if we feel really that we have been really hurt or wounded. Bearing is similar to patience, meaning enduring the harder times without becoming angry or upset. It also means to be tolerant not to retaliate.

When you spouse has done something that is makes hard to forgive, do you find yourself keep a ledger of all those wrongs? Let me ask you a question, have you committed a sin this week, or even this morning before service? Now if you have, you can bring that sin before God in prayer and ask for forgiveness. When you do this, and its heart felt, God extends grace and you are forgiven. I know I wouldn’t want God keeping a ledger of all my sins. The doctrine we teach is that God through grace wipes clean all our sins. If we expect God to wipe clean our sins without trace, shouldn’t we extend the same grace?

This echoes back to verse 12 where Paul says “God’s chosen one, holy and beloved.” Holy means set apart. When we choose to forgive. It means our conscience is cleansed and the matter is forgotten, never to be brought up again. This allow us to behave in a Christ-like matter offering something that is not deserved. That’s called grace.

Some of you might be thinking, Richard, I have forgiven time and time again, and each time gets harder. How much longer must I do this? Did you know Peter had some similar feelings? Peter came to Jesus asking how often shall he forgive the sins of his brother. Jesus said to him:

Matthew 18:22 NKJV

22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Now those of you doing the math, the answer is 490. This does not mean we can turn to our spouse and say, “Ok I’ve forgiven you 489 times, and you only have one more in the bank.” This means we keep forgiving indefinitely.

Why do we do this. Our answer lies in verse 14. “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” These previous traits we spoke of are important, but love is above them all. Love binds them all together in perfect harmony. The love chapter in verse 13 from the NLT says, “three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.” This is because:

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 HCSB

4 Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, 5 does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. 6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Conclusion

Some married couples might never fight or have conflict. Others might experience conflict on a daily basis. This could be a time to establish we and me boundaries. These could be thought of as “rules of engagement.” Some we boundaries could include not bringing up the past, deal with the issue with smile, don’t go to bed angry, have a cool off time if the conversation get heated, no arguing in front of the children. For the me boundaries, the Bible says in James 1:19:

James 1:19 NIV

19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

This means, “I will listen first before speaking.” When its your turn talk, remember:

Proverbs 15:1 ESV

1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

This says, if I must speak, I will speak gently to you, keeping my voice down and staying calm. Love should never be considered a fight, but love is always worth fighting for. We can choose to look at the other person in judgement for what they have done or said, or we can choose to see them through the eyes of grace. But! We don’t have to stop there, we can put these the characteristics into all areas of our life.

We’re getting ready to sing our last song of the morning. Do you need offer forgiveness to someone this morning? Or do you need to go to someone and ask their forgiveness? The words: “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are very powerful. They help to build bridges. If you need prayer this morning? I’d be happy to pray with you.

Closing Prayer