Wives and Husbands

Good and Bad Leaders

Can you think of a really good leader you’ve had in your life?

I’ll give you a moment.

What was it that made them good? What kind of leader where they?

Now let’s try the reverse? Can you think of a really bad leader you’ve had in your life?

What was it that made them bad? What kind of leader where they?

I would argue that in most cases when we experience good leadership and admire our leaders it is because they have used their authority not to get ahead themselves, but to advance the good of the whole team. And when we experience bad leadership it is when that person has used their authority for getting ahead themselves.

And of course as we consider Paul’s instructions today to husbands and wives it’s important that we keep in mind all that is good about authority and submitting to it as we’ve hopefully experienced in some form in our lives with a good leader and that we realise Paul is talking about a good and healthy use of authority and submission in the marriage context, and that where that good and beautiful thing goes bad, it goes very bad and is to be called out and rebuked.

Recap

How does this instruction to Husbands and Wives fit in the book of Ephesians?

Chap 1-3 Outlining Paul’s big theological ideas - we are made alive in christ and made one in him.

In Chap 4, Paul begins outlining the new standards that God expects of those who have experienced his grace, who have been made alive in Christ and who are being joined together to form one new society.

We’ve seen so far it’s unity and purity.

Now Paul moves the nature of our relationships with others . Why does he do that?

John Stott has some good wisdom here he says:

For the divine family ceases to be a credible concept if it is not itself subdivided into human families which display God’s love. What is the point of peace in the church if there is no peace in the home?

Stott, J. R. W. (1979). God’s new society: the message of Ephesians (p. 213). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

You won’t live lives of unity and purity, of love and self-sacrifice like we talked about in the start of Ch 5 last week. You won’t live that sort of life in the church community if it doesn’t flow out of your closest family relationships.

But of course, where we may find ourselves nodding in furious agreement with Paul when he says things like,

Ephesians 4:2 TNIV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

or

Ephesians 4:26 TNIV

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

or

Ephesians 4:32 TNIV

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

When we get to our reading today and we read of submission and gender roles, perhaps the nodding fades away and we find ourselves looking for a way to suddenly stop listening to the kind of life Paul is calling us to live as Christians.

So what are we to make of this call on the husband and wife?

First...

Context

Imagine I said in my sermon today, “Children don’t belong in church, they are the church”. What would I be saying? I’d be saying children are a vital part of the church wouldn’t I? But imagine someone left and went around saying, Chris said, “children don’t belong in church”. Suddenly there’d be outrage and the person would be telling the truth in a way. I did indeed say “Children don’t belong in church”. But that’s not what I meant. For what I meant is determined by the context in which those words were uttered. When I said children don’t belong in church and then said, “they are the church” I was making a statement about how important they are.

Context is so important when it comes to understanding someone.

And so, we must make sure we come to this part of Ephesians as we come to any other part of scripture and seek to understand it in context. Paul was a smart guy and was not in the business of contradicting himself.

And so far Paul has been talking about our unity as one people under God through faith in Christ. Paul cannot be detracting from that here.

Secondly, we have the whole of the bible that places this passage in context too, and

John Stott says:

The Message of Ephesians 1. Authority and Submission

In the light of the teaching of Jesus and his apostles, we may confidently and repeatedly affirm at least three relevant truths: first, the dignity of womanhood, childhood and servanthood; secondly, the equality before God of all human beings, irrespective of their race, rank, class, culture, sex or age, because all are made in his image; and the even deeper unity of all Christian believers, as fellow-members of God’s family and of Christ’s body. It is only when these truths are firmly kept in the forefront of our minds that we are ready to consider the teaching

Whatever Paul is saying in our passage today, what he’s certainly not saying women are less than men. The context cannot allow us to interpret his words in that way.

So let’s consider our passage:

Ephesians 5:21 TNIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul begins talking about submission by calling for us all to be submit to one another.

Again noting the context this follows immediately on from Paul’s charge in Eph 5:18-20 for the Christian to be

“filled with the spirit” which leads to joy expressed in singing. Likewise further fruit of fullness of the spirit in the Christian is a life of submission.

This is not dissimilar to the idea found in Phil 2:3 where Paul says

(read second half, “Rather…):

Philippians 2:3 TNIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,

The call of the Christian is to submitting to others and putting them and their needs first in a community where everyone is seeking to do this.

Why live like this? What’s the basis for that submission? Reverence for Christ.

Paul says that as we live out our Christian life in the church and in the home, it is done in reverence and response to what Jesus has done for us

When we remember that Jesus chose to submit himself to his Father’s will and die on the cross for our benefit, then as Jesus people we too ought to live lives of submission for the good of others.

And so out of the call for submission to one another Paul then calls the wife to submission.

Wives

Ephesians 5:22–24 TNIV

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

What does this look like? This is still a work in progress in my mind. And perhaps it’s more interesting to ask Ellisa what she thinks over a cup of tea sometime, but I think part of how it looks is allowing the husband to lead and encouraging him to lead. Men will have a tendency to laziness and so creating space for us to exercise authority I think could be partly what’s on view here. I think part of it to is encouraging us husbands to grow spiritually and allowing space for that because then we will be better husbands. And I think it’s encouraging us to work hard in our callings as both husband, father and worker.

Note that the submission to the husband that Paul calls the wife to in v22 is based on her submission to the Lord.

So whatever the submission does look like, it is not submission carte blanche. That is submission without restriction. The wife is called to submission to the husband as he acts in that role under God and according to God’s standards.

And how is the husband to act under God as the one whom the wife submits? Is it by getting whatever he wants in the relationship? Is it by abusing his power physically or emotionally or sexually?

No the husband is called to love like Christ.

Husbands

Ephesians 5:25 TNIV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Self sacrificial, Christ like love for our wives is what us husbands are called to for the good of our wives.

Now I don’t know about you but I feel like we spend all this time thinking I can’t believe Paul calls the wives to submit when, speaking as a husband, you guys seem to get the easy job. You’ve got to submit, but I’ve got to love my wife like Jesus loves the church!

And I think the real problem people actually have with verse 22 (Wives, submit to your husbands) is not the call to submission but actually the failure of husbands to love like Jesus loves.

Note too that the husband’s authority to which a wife submits is only valid if the husband is seeking to love his wife sacrificially. There’s no room in what Paul is saying to the husband and wife here for domestic violence, or any other form of abuse, for that is not love and the husband has no authority under God if he acts in such a way. Wives if you don’t have a husband who loves you like Jesus loves you and there is abuse in your relationship then your submission to God comes first and you need to get help. Come and speak to me praise God in Tasmania you can call the 24/7 Family Violence Support line on 1800 633 937.

So the husband is called to love his wife like Jesus.

And Jesus’ love is self-sacrificial, he gave himself up for the church. And Christ’s love works for the good of the church:

Ephesians 5:26 TNIV

to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

Ephesians 5:27 TNIV

and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

So to the husband is not only called to self-sacrificial love for his wife, but to love them in such a way that works for their good, their flourishing.

So how are you doing that husbands? What does your wife need from you in order to flourish? A vacation where you don’t do any work? Time off from looking after the children even though you’re exhausted from work? Encouragement in her spiritual disciplines?

Just like we might want those things for oursleves, rest, time off, help with our spiritual life, so we ought to do them for our wife:

Ephesians 5:28 TNIV

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:29 TNIV

After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them, just as Christ does the church—

We would happily do all sorts of things for ourselves, so we should equally be willing to do things for the good of our wife. Just as Christ works for our good.

Marriage is a picture of the church

In verse 30-32, we see that the love and submission of a marriage that works well, point us to our spiritual reality as the church. Our union with Christ is as full and complete as the union of husband and wife and our relationships within a marriage ought to reflect those of Christ and the church. Self giving love and submission.

Don’t read

Ephesians 5:30 TNIV

for we are members of his body.

Ephesians 5:31 TNIV

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:32 TNIV

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Love and Respect

Paul rounds off his section of husbands and wives by making somewhat of a summary statement:

Ephesians 5:33 TNIV

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Love and Respect. Homework:

Let me commend a book to those of us who are married: Love and Respect : The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs - Emerson Eggerichs.

Profound in its call for husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands and the psychological benefits of the kind of marriage Paul is calling us to have here in this part of Ephesians.

May God fill you with his spirit as you seek to live lives of submission and love.

https://www.safeathome.tas.gov.au

Family Violence Response and Referral Line - 1800 633 937 24 hours, 7 days a week.

In all emergencies call the Police 000 line.