Relationship Tune Up (Week 5)

Forgiveness

I believe this morning will be practical and helpful in so many ways. As we continue to talk about healthy relationships in our Relationship Tune Up series, I look back and see so much good fruit from what we have discussed. If you missed the kick off when we talked about expectations and how those impact our relationships go back and catch up with our podcast.

Rick did a great job during week 2 and 3 of our series, and last week I felt like our panel was so practical as we simply discussed our story and found hope in God’s Word, trusting Him and His faithfulness with the processes of our various relationships.

ATTACK: I don’t want us to be ignorant that when we begin to take strides towards healthier relationships, especially within our families, that the devil is just going to lay low. (EXAMPLE: this past week)

Today, we are going to shift gears. We are going to dig deep on one idea, one topic that significantly impacts all of our relationships. What we are going to talk about today may impact all of our relationship, with God, our family, our church, our community, more than any other thing we could talk about. It impact our lives when we don’t engage in this as well as when we positively give and receive what we want to discuss today.

I am talking about FORGIVENESS.

I want us to think about the topic of forgiveness.

Now we’re going to think about the topic of forgiveness.

Optional Joke: The only person who ever married a perfect person is my spouse!

spouse!

In all seriousness, is anyone perfect? No. So that means that every person has wounded another and been wounded by another.

and been wounded by another.

No couple will avoid the damage to their relationship caused when one partner hurts another. The question is whether couples accumulate damage over time, ultimately destroying their relationship, or whether there is some way to repair the damage and restore intimacy. This is why we want to discuss the forgiveness.

hurts another. The question is whether couples accumulate damage over time,

ultimately destroying their relationship, or whether there is some way to

repair the damage and restore intimacy. This is why we want to discuss the

concept of forgiveness.

 There are legitimate concerns regarding forgiveness.

 Some ideas often linked to forgiveness are not always sound. One of the my goal today is to “un-link” some of those inaccurate ideas.

lesson is to “un-link” some of those inaccurate ideas.

Be sure to bring them up:

 If your couples miss any of the following, be sure to bring them up:

“It’s a sign of weakness.”

“If I forgive, that’s giving permission for the person to do it again.”

“Forgiving someone means what they did was okay or there aren’t any consequences.”

consequences.”

 There are also some healthy ideas associated with forgiveness:

Not all ideas associated with forgiveness are helpful, as we’ve just talked about, but some ideas are a really healthy approach.

about, but some ideas are a really healthy approach.

For instance, couples who do well in marriage report that it’s a key to their success.

their success.

Forgiveness is critical for maintaining your bond together.

Forgiveness is a great expression of love and commitment.

Forgiveness takes courage. There’s a big myth that people think forgiving is a sign of weakness. It is exactly the opposite. Have you ever seen a couple of little toddlers fighting? One hits the other. What does the other naturally do? Hits back. It’s natural to hit back. It takes strength and self discipline to get past that hurt and anger and do the work of forgiveness.

a sign of weakness. It is exactly the opposite. Have you ever seen a couple

of little toddlers fighting? One hits the other. What does the other

naturally do? Hits back. It’s natural to hit back. It takes strength and self

discipline to get past that hurt and anger and do the work of forgiveness.

We have all been hurt, will be hurt and have a choice to make toward forgiveness. Watch this short video.

VIDEO

IMO, FORGIVENESS is the most Christ-like, the most God-like thing we could ever do. Let’s look at God’s character and nature as it regards forgiveness.

When I think of forgiveness, I think

Who God is

Psalm 145:8 NIV

8 The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

Micah 7:18–19 NIV

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. 19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

One of the greatest stories in the Bible gives us a reflection of Christ but also God’s ability to work in and through all humanity to see redemption on various levels. It is the Story of Joseph.

STORY OF JOSEPH:

Let’s take just a few moments and look at the life of Joseph, examining how forgiveness played a role in his life and relationships. Notice, if he hadn’t extended forgiveness how things could have played out differently.

Genesis 35:1–5 NIV

1 Then God said to Jacob, “Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.” 2 So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, “Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. 3 Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.” 4 So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. 5 Then they set out, and the terror of God fell on the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.

Genesis 35:1–5 NIV

1 Then God said to Jacob, “Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.” 2 So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, “Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. 3 Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.” 4 So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. 5 Then they set out, and the terror of God fell on the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.

Joseph goes on to share his dreams with his family, possibly prematurely, possibly with the wrong people at all. Either way, what Joseph didn’t recognize initially was that it was going to be through a pit that God would elevate him to a palace.

Let me say that again.

Joseph didn’t realize that the path and process that was going to lead to the fulfillment of what God had shown Joseph was going to be filled with difficulty. Joseph didn’t recognize that the path and process to get to palace would include the pit.

I want to encourage you today that if you feel like life is full of pits right now that our God is faithful. He gave you His precious promises. He started you on this journey. He began it, and He will finish it. Even through the pits of life we can trust Him, He is redemptive in all things.

So, Joseph shares his dreams of supremacy and finds himself hated even more by his brothers. You know the story.

They look for ways to get rid of him and end up selling him into slavery. It looks like things have taken a turn for the worse. I don’t know about you, but I would consider a day where my brothers hate me, put me into the system of human trafficking as a slave…A BAD DAY.

But that wasn’t the end of his story.

Genesis 39:1–2 NIV

1 Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there. 2 The Lord was with Joseph so that he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master.

Genesis

I believe the enemy tried to sabotage Joseph’s influence by sending the temptation of being relationship with Potiphar’s wife. Joseph refused to give in to the temptation but that didn’t come without consequences.

Joseph finds himself in a difficult situation again, thrown in prison as a result of not giving in to sin. Joseph refused to mix God’s promises with his own sinful desires.

Do you remember what happens next?

God will elevate him back to a position of favor and authority as he continues to use his gifts regardless of where he is, prison. He begins to interpret dreams for other prisoners, and after their release word gets out that Joseph (the guy in prison) can explain to you the meaning of your dream.

FAST-FORWARD: Let’s move quickly to the point in the story where Joseph is confronted after a wacky process of being sold as a slave, given a position of authority in the Egyptian palace, in prison, to back in a position of authority.

He tells Pharaoh about the famine that is coming as a the interpretation to Pharaoh’s dream. Pharoah then appoints him to be the one to make sure the entire nation is prepared for the impact of what is about to take place with this famine.

As you will remember, the famine brings folks from all around despite for food to survive, and a delegation comes from Joseph’s family to take food back to their people.

Imagine with me that the very people that were out to kill you, no longer wanted to have anything to do with you were now at your mercy for sustenance to stay alive. They are family and more than just turned their back on your, they got rid of you caring little for how things worked out in your life. Joseph is confronted with how he will respond.

Will he forgive and allow a broken relationship to be restored?

Or will he become bitter, refusing to release the anger and hate he could rightfully have towards his brothers?

Joseph is at an intersection of not his leadership but of his heart. Which direction will he allow his heart to go towards? Forgiveness or Bitterness

TRANSITION:

When I mentioned that FORGIVENESS is one of the most Christ-like things we could ever offer or do I am talking about why He came.

So, why did Jesus come to earth?

Why Christ came

Who God is

Psalm 145:8 NIV

8 The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

Micah 7:18–19 NIV

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. 19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

MIcah

Why Christ came

Luke 19:10 NIV

10 For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

Luke

The Gospel writers tell us the reason and purpose Christ “was to seek and to save the lost.” And how did Christ save the lost? I believe Christ did this primarily by providing access for restoration in our relationship with God, Our Father in Heaven. He created this access with God by bringing peace where there had been enmity.

And how did God create forgiveness for us?

Matthew 26:28 NIV

28 This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

What Christ did for us he now want to do in us and offer through us.

Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:

The Scripture continue to tell us.

Colossians 3:13 NIV

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Jesus places a high importance on forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14–15 NIV

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Mark 11:30 NIV

30 John’s baptism—was it from heaven, or of human origin? Tell me!”

Mark 11:25 NIV

25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Mark 11:35

God can see the big picture of our life.

I want 2 kids to come up and help me with something fun.

Simply raise your hand when you think you know what the screen is showing you up close.

We often live our lives up close to the things happening daily. We don’t realize that God can even use situations where family turn on us, even sells us into slavery all to get us to a palace for the promise.

We can forgive because Christ first forgave us.

We can forgive because Christ first forgave us.

Our ability to give is limited to the ability that we have also received and vice versa.

What can’t give what we haven’t received. And Jesus tells us that we truly haven’t received if we are also willing to give.

TRANSITION: Let’s take a look at the ingredients that go into FORGIVENESS.

Oftentimes, we thing forgiveness is something that it really isn’t. We confuse forgiveness for things we have been told or come to believe it includes that it really doesn’t.

SO, what is FORGIVENESS?

Forgiveness IS:

Let’s start by talking about what forgiveness IS.

When someone hurts us, we often feel like we have the right to hurt them back—to get even. “You owe me” is the attitude of non-forgiveness whether said aloud or not. Forgiveness is giving up our perceived right to get even. Forgiveness is a cancelled debt.

back—to get even. “You owe me” is the attitude of non-forgiveness whether

said aloud or not. Forgiveness is giving up our perceived right to get even. Forgiveness is a cancelled debt.

Let’s take a look at a few other ingredients that often get mixed in as a component of forgiveness:

FORGETTING:

Forgiveness is not forgetting.

Most of us can remember the most painful things done to us by others in the past if we think about it.

past if we think about it.

Forgetting is a sign of brain damage!

Part of moving towards forgiveness is to work to no longer “remember against” the other.

Forgiveness DOES allow the forgiver to begin putting the event into the past, but remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember against” the other.

CARTOON

Part of moving towards forgiveness is to work to no longer “remember against” the

other.

Forgiveness DOES allow the forgiver to begin putting the event into the past, but remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember against” the other.

other.

Forgiveness DOES allow the forgiver to begin putting the event into the past, but

remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the

Forgiveness DOES allow the forgiver to begin putting the event into the past, but remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember against” the other.

cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember

remembering the event isn’t the same as not forgiving. Take a look at the

against” the other.

cartoon: there’s a way to remember the Event and there’s a way to “remember

against” the other.

ELIMINATE CONSEQUENCES:

Forgiveness does not eliminate consequences.

Forgiveness does not eliminate the natural consequences of our behavior. The world operates on the principle of cause and effect and there are some things that, once put in motion, cannot be stopped. Some damage cannot be repaired.

world operates on the principle of cause and effect and there are some things

that, once put in motion, cannot be stopped. Some damage cannot be

repaired.

 Unacceptable behavior needs to be addressed.

Forgiveness does not excuse responsibility for behavior.

Whether forgiveness occurs or not, unacceptable behavior needs to be addressed.

addressed.

DENIAL OF PAIN/PRETENDING:

Forgiveness is not about pretending that an event didn’t happen, or that it didn’t hurt. In fact, the opposite is true.

Forgiveness is not about pretending that an event didn’t happen, or that it

didn’t hurt. In fact, the opposite is true.

If canceling a debt is a picture of forgiveness, then that debt has to be acknowledged before it can be cancelled! So, denial actually prevents forgiveness from happening.

acknowledged before it can be cancelled! So, denial actually prevents

forgiveness from happening.

Acknowledging the hurt helps in healing and moving forward.

GRIEVING IS OVER:

Forgiveness does not mean the process of grieving is over, or the people involved are no longer feeling pain.

no longer feeling pain.

Forgiveness and grieving are different activities that often require different amounts of time.

amounts of time.

Grief is the active process of working through painful feelings associated with losses in ways that promote healing of the soul.

losses in ways that promote healing of the soul.

The intensity of grief and pain often increases and decreases with the activity of life. We can be reminded of our wounds by such things as:

of life. We can be reminded of our wounds by such things as:

-specific holidays

-television shows

-seeing someone who looks a certain way

-hearing an old song on the radio.

The damage from some offenses can linger a long time, even if the one hurt has forgiven the other.

PIANO MAN

has forgiven the other.

FORGIVENESS, is HUGE in our lives. It is what restores us to God and what restores us to one another. Next week we are going to continue to talk about the benefits of forgiveness, the major vs minor incidents that lead to a need for forgiveness, and how to ask for it.

PRAY