#3 Playing Second Fiddle
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Introduction
Introduction
In this series on cherish, we have said that:
A cherishing attitude toward your spouse will elevate your marriage relationally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
So, last week, we said that cherishing your spouse means to hold them dear, to see your spouse as the only one in the world for you. It’s important that we understand that cherishing is not based on infatuation but on authenticity—on knowing someone, preferring someone, and choosing someone above all others. This is why cherishing your spouse can take your marriage to new levels.
As we begins today’s lesson, we’ll continue to practically define what it means to cherish your spouse. Let’s start by turning to .
26 But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; 27 And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:
These verses teach us that greatness in the Lord’s kingdom does not come through rulership or authority but through service.
The goal of all of Christ’s disciples, you and I included, should be serving, not ruling.
This should be no different in marriage.
Did not Christ give us the greatest example of servanthood? When Christ, the God man, came to earth, He came not to rule, but to serve.
28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
HAVE SOMEONE READ:
6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
Phil
14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.
HAVE SOMEONE READ:
6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
When Christ, the God man, came to earth, He came not to rule, but to serve.
These verses are some of the greatest and clearest examples of true leadership and humility as lived our by our Lord. This wasn’t just what the Lord did, but it’s also what is expected of us. Look with me again at .
When Christ, the God man, came to earth, He came not to rule, but to serve.
Now turn your attention to .
5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
Phlippians 2:5
The phrase “Let this mind be in your” is an imperative, meaning it’s a command. The tense of the verb indicates that it is to be a continual action. So Scripture is commanding us to have the same mind of humility and servanthood that Christ had.
Scripture also tells us that we are to be Christ-like that we are both to have an attitude of humility or submission toward one another.
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
How this is done is explained in the following verses:
Wives
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22
Husbands
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25
The idea behind all of this is that we as the spouse, should be willing to take a step back and elevate our spouse; it is to humble yourself and lift them up your spouse.
Sticky Statement: Cherishing your spouse means to showcase your spouse.
The title of today’s lesson is “Playing Second Fiddle.” If you and I are going to showcase our spouse, that mean’s that you and I must be willing to play second fiddle. Let me explain what I mean by being willing to play second fiddle.
In any orchestra or symphony there is one person known as the first chair violin or concertmaster. This is the person who walks out after the the rest of the group and the only one that shakes the hand of the conductor when he walks out. The first violinist sits right next to the conductor, leads the orchestra in tuning, and typically plays any of the violin solos within the groups pieces. This is an esteemed position. This is an important position. This is a showcased position.
So what makes the position of second fiddle so important? Without that second instrument, there can be no harmony.
If you are not willing to play second fiddle in your marriage, there can be no harmony. Without harmony in your marriage, there is not peace and there is no joy. Without harmony, you will not cherish one another and in many cases, you will be discontent and on the path to contempt.
What does harmony do?
Harmony makes the beautiful more beautiful.
What if we considered our job and husbands and wives to “make the beautiful more beautiful”? If we played this supporting role, we could showcase the “best sides” of our spouses strengths and personalities. By supporting them in this way, our spouses become more and can do more than they could do alone. We are essentially affirming the beauty we see in them by helping them become even more beautiful.
“Showcasing” our spouse - making a deliberate attempt to highlight their beauty to others—is an essential part of learning how to cherish our spouses.
What if more husbands adopted the attitude of showcasing their wife? Fewer wives would be dissatisfied and fewer marriages would end in divorce.
What if more wives adopted the attitude of showcasing their husband? More wives would find themselves married to “different” husbands with the same name, but more confident, more at peace, and more engaged at home.
How can I showcase my spouse?
How can I showcase my spouse?
Husbands
Husbands
Showcase your wife’s beauty!
She may have the beauty of wisdom — than do your best to ensure that she is heard in social settings.
She may have the beauty of leadership — than support her so she can cast her vision with others.
She may have the beauty of hospitality — than buy the things she needs and open up our homes so her beauty can be on full display
Remind yourself on a daily basis, “Today, my job is to cherish my wife.” Ask your wife regularly, “How can I support you today? How can I make your day better?”
Wives
Wives
Showcase your husband’s strengths!
What if your husband knew, without any doubt, that you were his strongest supporter and his most encouraging partner? What would that do to him? He would be willing to do more that he is uncomfortable doing because he knows that he is your cherished champion.
Most women could probably list a few things they disliked about their husband. But what if instead of complaining to him or other about him, she supported and stabilized him? What if she bound his spiritual and emotional wounds when he failed. What if she constantly turned and lifted him so that his strongest side is always showing? You would soon have a husband that is not the same man you married.
By showcasing your husband, your husband can have a greater ministry in your home as a husband and as a father. He could have a better ministry in his place of employment and in the church.
Remind yourself on a daily basis, “Today, my job is to cherish him by showcasing his best side to others.”
As you showcase one another, you’ll be amazed at how much further you have come as team than you ever would have alone.
Making Music in Marriage
Making Music in Marriage
Leonard Bernstein, the famous conductor, was asked what the most difficult instrument to play was?
Anyone want to guess?
Leonard Bernstein, the famous conductor, was asked about the most difficult instrument to play.
He said it was second violin or as we said earlier, second fiddle. :-)
He said, and I quote, “I can get plenty of first violinists, but to find one who plays second violin with as much enthusiasm, or second French horn, or second flute, that’s a problem. And yet it no one plays second, we have no harmony.” (Rainey, The New BuildingYour Mate’s Self-Esteem, p. 268)
Learning to cherish your spouse means learning to play second violin. This is the Biblical thing to do. Remember, earlier we read .
28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
Obviously, Jesus was addressing marriage in the passage, but certainly, marriage is an ideal place to cultivate the attitude of humility and service.
Beautiful harmonic marriages, just like symphonies, are not one note or one musician. It’s both of you working together, InHarmony, to make the beautiful more beautiful.
When your focus is yourself, your business, your ministry or your personal happiness than it is on your spouse, you are basically having a love affair with your self. If you’re having a love affair with yourself, it is impossible to grow more intimate with your spouse because your cherishing someone else, yourself!
The more you focus on yourself, and have a love affair with yourself, the less you will cherish your spouse.
A Different Kind of Pleasure
A Different Kind of Pleasure
Gary Thomas said, “Learning to showcase our spouses…requires that we learn to appreciate a different kind of pleasure: our spouse’s above our own.”
Showcasing your spouse is the opposite of being selfish. The love this world loves with is a result of what you get out of it:
“I love you because you make me feel so good.”
“I love you because you make me happy”
“I love you because you are so lovable.”
What’s wrong with that kind of love?
It’s fleeting! It goes with the emotion. When the person or situation changes, the love leaves. When you’ve been made unhappy once, you’re no longer in love like you were before if you’re still in love at all.
Really, this is nothing more than infatuation. Remember, cherishing is not based on infatuation, it’s based on authenticity.
“Cherishing your spouse requires a certain self-forgetfulness and a corresponding determination to focus on our spouses. Another way to put it is that the call to cherish your spouse isn’t to appreciate being pleasured by your spouse but to take pleasure in the pleasure of your spouse. To cherish is to be filled with joy not because your spouse brings you joy but because you take joy in your spouse’s joy. You feel more elated over their blessing than even your own. To cherish is to almost want others to see the best side of your spouse the way you do.” - Gary Thomas (Cherish, p. 93)
This is the opposite of what the world teaches, but this is what it is to truly cherish your spouse. But the more you cherish your spouse, the more joy you’ll have in your marriage. When you see others admire your spouse, it makes your heart adore and admire your spouse that more much.
Another way to put it herishing your spouse isn’t about appreciating being pleasured by your spouse but to take pleasure in the pleasure of your spouse. T
Conclusion:
Conclusion:
So, how do you cherish and showcase your spouse?
If they are an introvert, don’t push them onto center stage alone. You may need to go with them or offer some increased support so that become more comfortable.
If your spouse needs some time alone, showcase them by providing opportunities for them to go somewhere alone and don’t take it personally that they need this time. Rather, find contentment in knowing their needs are being met.
Remember, showcasing your spouse is all about making the beautiful more beautiful. Cherishing your spouse by showcasing them provides a consistent path to ever-increasing marital intimacy and happiness.
Homework for today:
Homework for today:
How can you best “showcase your spouse’s beauty” in the coming month? Think of at least one or two concrete examples.